Storytelling Mentorship Group by @michelle.gent
You can find part 1 of this story here.
To quote Vincent Price as I heard him say at the beginning of one of his movies: "Let's begin shall we?"
You will see suggested corrections in the story below indicated like this. You can find @michelle.gent 's suggestions in the comment section below. That way you can see how I implemented the suggestions by adding or removing, rewording or through other means. :)
The Mausoleum part 2
Everyone hears Victoria's screams inside the mortuary office.
She is screaming at a small built man with a pale face. He is the funeral director and may be able to help her get what she wants.
Victoria tries to calm herself and continues in a loud voice, “I want proof his body is in there!”
The only thing louder is the sound of the thunder outside the window. A storm is approaching.
The funeral director, Ralph, “Don’t be ridiculous of course his body is there, why wouldn’t it be?”
Pushing past her he feels a strong resistance moving her body out of the way.
“It is time to put an end to this you must leave at once or I will call security.”
When Victoria stops ranting absolute silence engulfs the room.
The funeral director looks out the window to see if it is raining before slamming the window shut.
Victoria is nowhere to be seen; only the open doorway remains.
She is more determined now than ever to get answers.
This overwhelming feeling to know the truth will not leave her.
She must find a reason to open the crypt, which leads her to a gruesome discovery many are not aware of.
Unless there is ventilation in a crypt, the body can explode, leading to a leaking situation, creating a stench - as many cemetery workers can attest to.
This is the information Victoria decides to use to get access to her husband’s body.
Back home she prepares a cup of tea, sits down and begins to write in her diary.
Minutes later the heavy bronze doorknocker falls several times in a row.
I am in no mood for visitors. No mood.
Opening the door slowly she slams it shut.
“Not now. Go away, I have seen you following me and want nothing from you.”
Here is Part three
Original photograph and writing by @rebeccabe
photograph using Canon T6 Hyperfocal Technique 18mm lens
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
Lovely story @rebeccabe. The curiosity is increasing as we read on the story. And that's how the writer captivates the reader. Good luck. Looking forward to the third part.
Thanks, I appreciate your saying so. I kind of felt like I was failing miserably. Maybe I will consider smaller steps in writing this type of style.
Failure? Not at all. As i said you know well how to make the reader stick to the story. Otherwise people like me who just roam about never stop by:) great effort
you are a sweetheart ... thank you.
The part 2 seems quite different from the part 1, waiting for part 3, hope it will come soon, loved to read it
How does it seem different to you? I am working on the way I write with the help of @michelle.gent
I hope I am doing it right.. lol
This is fun .. it is not me but the character going into this situation.
This is atmospheric too - different to your bedroom stories, this is stressful, tense and it comes out in the writing.
One thing, please tell your readers who is speaking - in the second instance, it's not clear as we've only been 'introduced' to Victoria.
One more question... how loud would a cat have to yowl to be heard over a woman's raised voice?
It's little things that make the reader stop and think and those little things are what we as writers have to smooth over and make real.
I like this story. I'd like to read more.
Well done, I'm delighted you think I'm helping :)
To me, this is different, the mood is strained, Victoria is on edge and you can tell. Last episode, she was grief-stricken but now... now she's determined and angry.
Thanks for your guidance right now it is a bit like trying to learn to ride a bike.
I made some changes ... in case you ever see the post again I think it is better.
I introduced Ralph briefly and replaced the cat with a thunderstorm.
Also did a few more things. :)
I saw! I like!
I made a suggestion or two - I hope you don't mind and feel free to disregard :)
This reminds me a lot of a video shooting script. You have the setting and how the character is feeling and the dialogue. It would be quite easy to turn this into a film. Nice writing @rebeccabe tip!
Well, good eye. (great nickname for you...lol just kidding) I have written a few little scripts and studied scriptwriting a little so when I approached this I was like, what? I really did not know how to skin the cat and @michelle.gent is a patient mentor. What is ironic is I used to do videography and now that I am in school for photography ..it is completely different too. However, I have an eye for framing. Loving both writing and photography. This is a bit scary since she is having me write what the characters tell me. I have a fear they may tell me something I don't want to hear. lol
Haha yes characters can take on a life of their own. Don't censor them.
Just let their story unfold. Looking forward to the next installment.
thanks :)
I wait for the next part, thanks @rebeccabe
thank you :)
always with great content, long time didn't see something from you. hope you are doing well have a grat time.
Thanks for missing me. It is life taking my time and I am trying to let my hand feel better..it hurts some after typing. Pulled a little muscle it will be well soon.
hope so dear . have a good time.
Welcom bak dear @rebeccabe we miss you
thank you. I was wondering where you have been.
Do you like the story?
@michelle.gent sent me over to up vote you.
She is a good woman. Thank you for listening to her. I will upvote you forced upvote comment. lol
@writesteem I went to visit you. Thank you soooo much for the support and resteem. I appreciate the support. :)
Oooh! I love what you've done!
I can see the scriptwriter's hand, but that's nothing to be worried about, it gives the writing more impact.
This sentence is bothering me a little. Maybe a little punctuation to slow it down?
Unless there is ventilation in a crypt, the body can explode, leading to a leaking situation, creating a stench - as many cemetery workers can attest to.
How does that work for you?
I like it .. excellent!
I am becoming curious, what will happen next the lady that followed him is now at his door steps, what does she want?
FYI; Victoria is a woman so we say her.
Also, how do you know a lady followed her? Until she tells us in the story we don't know who is at the door male or female.
I guessed
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