My first thought was, “Am I dead?”
My second thought was, “I’ve been here before. I’m back home…”
It seemed I was stuck between the not-quite-dead and the barely-alive. At some point, I’d have to push one way or the other, but not yet, not now…
Let’s rewind slightly to how I go there. I rarely interrupt my sleep with such mundane things as going to the toilet or having a drink, but on that night I woke up; it was 3:10 in the morning. I shuffled to the bathroom; my left shoulder was aching quite severely. It was probably due to being on the computer for too long, or carrying books at an awkward angle; it could, of course, have been due to something more serious.
As I finished relieving myself, I felt a sudden belly ache and a rush of nausea. I tried to breathe calmly, but that was of little use as I was bent double, not knowing whether I was about to throw up or pass out.
I passed out – but not quite.
Works on spiritual practices and mysticism have a tangled relationship with words. Grammar works largely on the basis of subject-object-verb, with a few frills thrown in to make it more flexible. But experiences that are in their essence ineffable are not only hard to articulate, but are also liable to be incomprehensible to another person! So instead of attempting to describe the indescribable, most schools of esoterism focus on techniques to reproduce the same experience in the adept - then the words will make sense.
The void has numerous synonyms across cultures: the Sanskrit word “sunyata” is usually translated as emptiness but has a variety of meanings depending on the philosophical context. My own preference is for the Dzogchen term “rigpa”. This is not “mere emptiness” but a profound experience of the root of consciousness. It is the “ground state”, “naked awareness” or “primordial purity”. The void is "empty" in the same sense as the "quantum vacuum" is not. You can read up on all these terms, but what do they feel like?
Let’s go back to me lying on the floor of my bathroom, but definitely not unconscious! This short period was before the internal voice kicked in. So there really was… nothing! No senses at all; I could not hear or feel anything, had lost all contact with my body and its inputs. There was just a pure awareness – awareness of the darkness of the void. Not the darkness of night or of closing one’s eyes – it was the total darkness of absence. The best way to think of it is as being consciously asleep.
We think of sleep as being unconscious, yet there are Dzogchen sleep practices that teach how to remain aware through the process of falling asleep and dwell in that core consciousness, without objects or thoughts. “Dwelling” is a good word here, letting the ground state of existence support one’s awareness.
And it is not a cold darkness; it is not the inhospitable darkness of outer space. It has a peace and tranquility of its own, a feeling of “being home” and of replenishing and cleansing one’s consciousness. These feelings are not connected to our normal emotional centres, but are rather indivisible from the experience.
All of this, without either body or mind, is my experience of the void.
Then, suddenly, the inner voice appeared.
The experience of the void was still there, but now it supported the first manifestation: my inner voice. That was the transition between the pure experience and a kind of syncopated experience. Before I continue, there is one question I have asked myself since: “How do I know the experience happened if there was no subject-object relationship?” Well, it leaves a memory of the experience, a memory of the pure consciousness. Hence it is different from deep sleep, which leaves no memory at all.
My first thought was, “Am I dead?”
My second thought was, “I’ve been here before. I’m back home…”
It seemed I was stuck between the not-quite-dead and the barely-alive. At some point, I’d have to push one way or the other, but not yet, not now – it was far too tranquil and beautiful to disturb!
Indeed, I had had this experience before (and since), as a child. I must have been 7 or 8 years old; I cannot remember my age but do recall being just tall enough to see myself in the bathroom mirror. I used to wonder a lot about why the universe operated in the way it did. What was I doing here? Why are things so predictable? Why is it all so dull? And especially, I wondered why I felt like me. Did everybody just feel like themselves, or did everybody feel the same?
I used to stare at the mirror until the image disappeared and the world turned to black – that was interesting, but didn’t help much! I then tried to think about how I could separate my mind from my body to see which one was really me. I didn’t succeed in astral flying, but I did manage to experience this vast void. The experience never lasted for very long, but I was able to repeat it. Then, for some reason lost in the fog of memory, I forgot how to do it and my attention turned to other things. My questions hadn’t changed very much, but I looked outwards for answers: whether in theoretical physics, mathematical constructs, ancient civilisations or neuroscience. Eventually, the scientist and the mystic merged in my mid-20s as I re-experienced that “homeland”.
So, back on the bathroom floor again, caught between two worlds, but not really caring much about that. The experience was not ephemeral this time; I could experiment. I tried turning my head – nothing. I tried spinning around in space; I even tried to somersault – nothing. I stared deep into the void and saw that it was not totally black; it appeared to gently sparkle, like a diffraction pattern or a kaleidoscope of deepest granite. There was no tunnel of light, no numinous beings, no message – just a big cosmic bath!
“So what do I do now?” I said to myself. My voice was still a distant planet within the immensity of the void, but it was the only manifesting reality that I had to play with! “If I’m really dead, I should know soon enough. But if I’m not dead, for example, if I’m in a coma, then nobody is going to find me for days!” I didn’t really want to leave this place, but it was logically easier to prove I was alive than dead.
Then the idea formed that I should try to reconnect to my senses. If that failed, then I was possibly stuck in a coma, or the cosmic welcoming crew was very late indeed! So, by force of will I expanded my mind… and felt an electric shock at the base of my skull. That’s it! That kick-started a cascade of electricity that swam slowly through my body. It went down my spine, across my shoulders, down my arms to my fingertips; it also spread slowly around my body and down my legs. I tried to move during this period, but figured that nothing was going to happen until the whole nervous system was fully reconnected.
This was a slow process, at the speed of biology, not of light. It was also a reminder of how important our electromagnetic body is, without which our physical body is mere meat. It was finally over, the electrical reboot was complete – I opened my eyes.
Once I eventually got back to my bedroom, I noticed the time was 3:25 am. Never did discover whether it was a small heart attack or some other syncope. All systems looked fine once I was checked over at the local hospital.
One of the hardest things to do is to fully integrate the experience of the void with daily life - to have one's presence guided by this core consciousness. However, in times of stress or agitation, or just plain indifference, there is a space that forms - and informs - that there is an inner core that is adamantine and untouched by the projections of this world.
images: my original, pixabay (edited)
words: approx +1300
A thank you to @jerrybanfield for initiating and sponsoring this Supernatural Writing Contest (SWC).
I hope this will help expand people's views on the limits of human experiences.
I am very afraid of death .. I hope to die better in the future, and also can always do good for all mankind.
very good story bro.....
I loved reading your story because on a subconscious level I know exactly what you mean and in my consciousness I remember the same experience laying in bed as a child and feeling lost in the void as if I could just forget this life and body. It scared me then because I enjoyed a sense of knowing what I was rather than the freedom of being nothing. The way you wrote it helped me experience it with you and I am planning to resteem soon!
Thank you very much. I think much of the good that has come from your contest is precisely this remembering! The "yes, that happened to me too but I've since forgotten about it!" experience seems common. It also brings back a sense of self-knowing and self-power, something our mainstream culture takes great pains to lead us away from, as the consequences could be a happier, freer people with different priorities to those advertised. Thanks for the comment.
Good morning.. Please check on mine too. It's almost expiring
Good morning.. Please check on mine too. It's almost expiring
OMG, I used to get that also. I'd feel like I was floating above my body, then I would feel very vulnerable so I stopped allowing it. must be millions of kids who experience this and dont know what to do with it.
Exactly! I think just that knowledge of "what is this?", "what can I do with this?" and not forgetting "Wow, so others can do the same!" can lead to a major transformation. I don't think it is an understatement to say it would be revolutionary. Such knowledge has always been the preserve of the priests, shamans, mystics and outsiders, yet we know that many people have had such experiences randomly.
Thats wild, when i was a kid my room was super dark and if i wasnt imagining shafow figures i was Seeing and speaking numbers that would inflate to unimaginable size when i spoke them, but i wasnt speaking, not really, i was thinking them and seeing them apear, i still dont know why or what it all means but i dtill remember very clearly the feeling of being in a void
I too have experienced this "void" and 6 times out of ten all I feel is peace and being at rest. However, on other occasions I sense images and see images that turn out to be premonitions that usually occur within 24 hours of the experience. Very interesting. Peace.
Wow, that's an amazing story.
In the world of Dragon Age, the Void (a.k.a. abyss) is also a place of nothing, but it is parallel with the Fade, the place where spirits and demons dwell, the place where magic begins. The Fade used to be tied with the world until a Veil separated it from the world. The Elves believe that the Void is where ancient malevolent gods dwell.
I never thought much of any place called the Void before I got into Dragon Age lore. Even Star Wars doesn't have a Void, unless you count the Yuuzhan-Vong as existing outside the Force and thus perhaps from some sort of void because they are devoid of the Force. Even non Force users have the Force within them, it is in all things, living or dead. When I started studying Dragon Age lore, the Void was familiar because of the quest called the Anvil of the Void, and to curse someone to the Void is to cast an ill omen onto them.
It is a strange place filled with a lot of myth and legend. It appears in places like fiction because of its various possibilities that it presents, the exploration of the existence of such a place.
I’ve had similar experiences in a k hole.. its the most unimaginable weird and freaky dimension thats behind the illusion of form. You described it very well good job and glad your ok x
Hi, looked up the term K-hole; doesn't sound like a nightclub drug! Were you OK with the experience, or did it suddenly hit while you were doing something? At least I was lying down.
And thanks, I tried to articulate it as accurately as words can manage.
I dont do drugs anymore but ketamine is outside of the box. Its weird though as when your pumped up with other party drugs the ket actually keeps you going if you want to stay on it for days on end. I think i had a mixed bag i tended to know how much was going to send me over the edge so we used to do it when we go back from clubbing it actually reduced the effects from the other drugs believe it or not. I've been in there a few times it starts with an out of body experience one time i was lying on a balcony and flew off and straight into the ground believe or not i was actually okay with that as i was aware what was going on. The first times really scary like you have to surrender to it because you have no other choice.. was yours like that? then i've had all sorts of weird stuff going on sometimes it was horrible other times amazing seeing stuff that you know isn't fake that it's behind the scenes you just know. Not always could i remember as you say its quite difficult to store such an experience because our minds aren't able to put it into any kind of box. Think the memory is more of an innate feeling rly although some of the horrible one's not
Kinda funny that the part that would freak out most people - the OBE - you took in your stride! Yes, a state of surrendering or letting-go is necessary; something our culture does little to promote as we're expected to behave like corporations (in itself amusing as the word is derived from "body"). But I've always found some core awareness sits slightly behind the "action" and observes the play of illusions.
was actually fun hahah cos after a few times you know your gonna be okay...well until the horrible one's start that is.. then you rly are in a real life nightmare not even going to explain those. It most certainly does it's like a silent peace permeating from behind it seems to give direction as well as observe i suppose knowing the difference between that direction and what is limited is at the core of happiness peace and success... Look forward to your next post man x
Thank you for writing this story @aakom and submitting it to SWC. This was really amazing and enjoyed reading it! I just sent a bid to a bot for your upvote.
Hi, thank you very much!
I see you've started posting compilations of the best - that's good as there are 100s to read!
BTW we should meet up in BKK some time! :-)
I had no idea you were in Bangkok.
Yes, the person behind this AAKOM project is @rycharde - we exchanged some comments about Thai out-exchangers. You may get in touch on discord under the same name.
Oh how I wish I could have an experience like this. But also on the other hand I think the more one wants an experience the further he pushes it away. Did you tell your doctor about what happened? What did he have to say? Thank you for sharing your story.
Very excited to see the evolution of your new project. Great idea. Good Luck.
Thank you very much, and you're absolutely right - it is one of many topics on my "to write" list - seeking the experience will often end in failure. Indeed, when trying to recall my childhood experience, it was the expectation of success that led to fewer successes! This is so contrary to so much of society and its grasping attitude to everything, but is a standard warning in every esoteric tradition. Have confidence in the practices and the states of mind will appear - force the issue and they won't.
Thanks for your comment.
Your post is so very interesting. I already expressed that i always see something. It only happened once but I was close to death a few more times and time slowed, that was crazy. Anyhoo, thank you for sharing your Void in great detail! Lucky that you already have $28!
Thanks, I have had other visions but I thought this one was more challenging to articulate.
One thing I forgot to mention is that this experience (or experiences) have made me not fear death.
Yes, I can see why this might be difficult to articulate ... have you read the book yet regarding Afterlife of Billy Fingers? It was very interesting how that was written.
I am glad that this experience helped you to not fear death ... it is not an easy one to overcome. Blessings.
Nice Project i wait you do great things Thanks you for this post
Thank you very much. I hope not to disappoint :-)
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please check on my own too please its about to expire please.https://steemit.com/jerrybanfield/@javapoint/how-i-survived-my-death-swc
Nice words
good post I like your post
always success @aakom
Awesome
One of friend same happens his name is Hamza Malik and we all frightened after seeing him
I am looking forward to learn about Aakom Project!
Following and Resteemed!
Hello guys
You can also check my near death experience https://steemit.com/jerrybanfield/@naijaberry/my-near-death-experience-supernatural-writing-contest
This so craaaazzy!Is this a true story? Also, I'm trying to see if there is a manifesting and quantum energy work discord group anywhere from Hive. Cuz I'd like to start one if not....Do you know of anything?
Sorry, this account is resting in the void and just seen your comment.
yes, is true.
thanks for the comment.