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How many times did you go through an argument or a heated discussion and then you got upset by something the other person said?
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Ok, now think about this: How many times did you say something that hurt someone else and you totally didn't mean to hurt that person at all?
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I think you and I have been through quite a few of those situations. I was recently having a discussion about this issue with someone I know. She has a different stand from mine. She says, it's very important to know what one's intention are before you get upset at them because of something they said that hurt you. I have a different stand. I say, it doesn't matter what your intention is, if you said something that hurts someone else, you've hurt them, regardless of your intention. Even if you did mean well, even if you were just kidding, even if you really cared about that person, your words did hurt them and that's a fact.
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Which position do you stand by? Mine or hers? Think about what you think and how you feel for a moment. Recall past situations you might have gone through when you were either hurt by someone's words or when your words hurt someone. What do you think now? Do you say words matter regardless of the intention behind them or do you say intentions make a good excuse and should be considered in hurtful situations?
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Before you make up your mind, let me ask you this: If you went to a coffee shop and the waiter spilled coffee on your shirt. Hot coffee. Would you feel the heat of the coffee burning your skin and see the coffee stain on your clothes or will you ask the waiter first if he meant to hurt you or not?
See, here I'm not asking about your reaction to the waiter's negligence. I'm not asking whether you'll get angry at him/her or forgive him/her. I'm asking whether your skin will feel the heat of coffee and whether your clothes will be stained or not.
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Definitely your skin will be hurt by the hot coffee and your shirt clothes be stained. This is a natural effect to the spilling of hot coffee on you regardless of what is going on in the waiter's mind or his intentions. How you deal with the situation after that is an entirely different story.
That's why I argue that every word we say has an effect on the listener, regardless of what good or positive intentions lye behind it. If we say something which is perceived by the other person as an insult, they will take it as an insult. It will hurt them. Now, they might be wise enough not to bark at you. They might be kind, patient, understanding or just stay silent. But their reaction doesn't change the fact that they have been hurt.
Regardless of the reaction they have, they already felt the heat of the coffee and saw the stain. They got hurt by what you said. You might have not meant to hurt them. You might have been joking or trying to just rambling or just not thinking about what you're saying...But you spilled the coffee regardless of your intention and you need to apologize for that right away and watch out not to spill it again in the future by being more careful with everything you say, even when you're joking or just rambling.
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That's how I see we can avoid a lot of unneeded arguments, quarrels and even hard feelings.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Then you're stronger that steel... Kudos to you :)
that's the difference between speaking whatever comes to mind and thinking before speaking
Very true @cobmaximus ... If you can avoid spilling the coffee in the first place, that's way better.
I am very pacifist. I don't argue with anyone.
That's wise...You've saved yourself and others unnecessary pain :)
Wow this gets ones brain pondering which is great
I am one who believes whether intentional or not if you say something that hurts someone you should make amends ASAP
Of course if you can avoid hurting the feelings is better but if you do resolve it quickly step up and apologize So it doesn’t fester
Yes, absolutely.... that's the exact message I wanted to give.... Glad it resonates with you.... See, your way: "Of course if you can avoid hurting the feelings is better, but if you do resolve it quickly, step up and apologize so it doesn't fester" is the only right way in such situations.
Yes I think we are in synch there 😎👍
Awesome post, I totally agree with you my man!
Self control, or the power to remain calm in every situation - is a superpower!
A skill, you can work your whole life on... :)
Btw I see you are making it big here on Steemit, I'm really proud of you...
Expect to hear a lot from me!
Thank you very much @enjoyinglife... I remember you encouraged me in a powerful comment on one of my early posts... I've been trying to be consistent since then, producing beneficial posts and connecting with people... I'd love to hear a lot from you my friend.
It doesn't matter that your intent was not to hurt. If you insulted, you owe an apology. Period.
What kind of upbringing regards that as not insulting?????
I find no value in arguing. Make a point and move on. I am too much of a pacifist.
Exactly... There is no point in arguing... it only makes things worse. And if it happens between loved ones, it weakens the relationship and builds unnecessary grudges.
Truth
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@arabsteem curation trail !
و تم اختيار مقالتك ضمن مقالات يومية مختارة للنشر اليوم في مقالنا! :)
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I really like this alot, although I have this little nagging suspicion you are aiming this one straight at me....because I know I can be flippant and just throw in a jokey care less attitude. Too many years on the internet, in some ways it can become just unreal - like a game. It can be too easy to just make a comment without thinking which can be taken to heart and hurt someone even though that was not your intention. Very good work. On a Sidenote I notice the Arabsteem tag - do you know my buddy @mokh-tar he asked me where to find support for the @arabsteem account but I am still struggling to find that information for him.
#thealliance
Hey @c0ff33a Thanks for sharing your thoughts... And yes, communicating online can easily lead to those kind of unintentional clashes, but still, a word is like a weapon, once fired, hard to take back and people do get hurt by certain words, whether spoken or written. Yes, I know @mokh-tar from the @arabsteem. I'm part of their discord group and we communicate there often. It's an amazing group who supports Arabic speakers to grow and get guidance. Kinda like #thealliance but focusing on Arabic speakers.
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This is well said, and I think lies at the heart of many disagreements, especially where political correctness comes in. Because I'm quite sensitive to not wanting to hurt others, I error on your side of the discussion:
It is perfectly normal to be upset when you are upset.
This sounds like a dumb non-statement, but what I mean by this is that you are going to be upset anyway. Both sides should step back and start the dialog so that a mutual understanding takes place. Then future interactions can only improve from there.
And now I'm realizing I strayed from the original question.
Yes, words matter.
But I lost my train of thought...
I can perfectly follow your train of thought... you didn't lose it :) And that statement makes perfect sense "It is perfectly normal to b upset with you are upset" - not dumb at all...actually, that the core message in this post: When you're upset, you don't think about intentions or excuses, you are just hurt, and the person who hurt you need to take a step back, admit they've done something wrong to you, apologize and then you can forgive them out of the kindness of your heart... When you're hurt, you are wounded and you only need those wounds to be healed.
I agree 100% it is not how it was intended..it is how it hurts. I try and teach my kids this as well. It doesnt matter if you meant to hurt someone because at the end of the day you still did. Words can have a powerful affect on someones life.
Very true... Thanks for sharing how you raise up your kids... that's the right way to do it.. You said it right: "Words can have a powerful effect on someone's life"... I'm glad the core of my message resonates with you.
Great post. Loved reading. Regards Nainaz
#thealliance
Thanks @nainaztengra ... I appreciate your kind encouraging words :)
A friend of mine says: if someone ever offends you, if someone ever hurts your feelings, don’t be hurt:)
I wish I can have this kind of control over my feelings so as to do what your friend advises... I can only control my reaction to a hurtful situation, but not the feeling of being hurt.
Your spilled coffee illustration is superb. I agree with you @nuridin. As much as we can try to justify the intention behind, if we didn't exercise empathy and put ourselves in others' shoes, then we didn't. After that, we have to sort out with more emotional energy and the hard feelings may not be cleared totally whereas we could have avoided in the first place. Good write!
Thanks for sharing @happycrazycon.... Yes, you get it all right and I'm not surprised... You're the queen of empathy... with that last post of yours, you nailed it.. I wish every single steemian here read your empathy post and apply it. Very valuable and can make a difference with people's lives.
Very nicely written, the framework and attractiveness of your blog is great. My answer would be only if the person is sincerely apologetic would the words be genuine. Therefore, it would not matter if someone just said they were sorry. I find that most people are ignorant of their actions and from that I see they do not really care. IF for some reason I opened up to express my feelings and that person did not respond at all or did not say anything because they did not feel it, then that relationship would need to be reconsidered. Again let me reiterate that unless the person is sincerely responsive would any of this matter. Peace out.
Thanks for sharing your insights @eaglespirit. Yes, being genuine and sincere are very important and can be felt regardless how clever you try to pretend. People have emotional antennas that detect sincerity. In a relationship, if those qualities are not there, then there's no point to carry on. But again, saying sorry (even if the person doesn't mean it) is much better and has less damage than not saying it at all and just continuing to argue and give excuses and even attack back and try to win... That's really devastating.
@nuridin, it is a matter of perspective. I have been in enough relationships that include my family that would not accept something that is not meant. Period.
Word are just words. If they have no meaning there is no point in saying them. If it is forced, it then can be an abusive issue. You are then forcing someone to do something they do not really want to do. Some people feel that is a part of controlling behavior and narcissism.
I don't think you're getting my point... When you say sorry if you do something wrong, nobody is forcing you to do that... You're doing it with no outer influence. And it's much much better to say sorry when you hurt people whether you mean it or not, than keep on going hurting them. That's the point.. This doesn't include saying nice words of compliment if you don't mean them or saying words of love if you don't mean them or all that.... This is a very specific post about a very specific situation which is: positive intentions don't matter if your words are wrong and hurt others.
I totally understand what you are saying, and you did ask all of us to choose, and I did. You stated you had a point and your co-worker had a point. To say or not to say. Maybe you do not like what I am saying because it was not your side?
I agree with her. I do not believe she was saying the intention is a "good excuse" but it is something to definitely consider.
I also feel that this is an issue when you state:
I feel the world has become overly cautious and overly sensitive. It is as if we cannot say a damn thing without hurting someone's feelings. This is just my opinion and you did open the discussion up for different perspectives. Right?
I looked through the posts and it looks as if most people who commented seem to agree with your process, so that makes it easy. I am one that does not. It is a different perspective. I am going to stop after this post as it is now feeling more like an argument because I do not share the same.
Of course I welcome your input... I'm just further explaining to you my point, and I don't feel it's an argument, but rather exchange of opinions. It's through the difference of opinions that pictures become clearer for both parties, so please don't feel I'm trying to suppress your point of view .... That's being too sensitive which you clearly stated we should stay away from... :) Please don't be discouraged from expressing your views even if we have different stand points... I appreciate your input always ..
This is definitely the best thing to say on a personal level but it would be great advice for world leaders as well. Thanks a lot. I hope for all of us to have the power to forgive.
Absolutely... The power to forgive is a sign of strength and we need to be strong.. We need to be the drivers of our emotions instead of being driven by them.
S.O.R.R.Y. Such an easy word to say but I don't get why some people find it hard to say whenever they hurt people. I even believe when you say sorry and don't mean is better than not say it at all. I guess some would rather not say it. Nice one @nuridin. My Dolphin. lol
You're welcome my friend. Yes, I agree with you... to say sorry when you need to is better than not saying it at all, even if you don't mean it... People don't see your intentions but can clearly hear your words.
I think it is important for humanity to understand the difference between ego and the true self.
A lot of the time offensive comments and arguments is just the ego trying to defend and justify itself, it has invested a lot in its image and its number 1 rule is to protect its investment. Because in the end the ego is not real, its just an illusion.
When someone tries to hurt you with words. Can they really hurt you, or are they hurting the ego?
As the very wise poem goes. Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me.
That's a deep level of self-control.. Yes, when you recognize your ego and know whether you're the one being hurt or is it your ego, then this brings you a totally new level of self-control and perception of other people's words. That's the receiver side of the story. As for the senders, the people who through out the words, they are still responsible for what they say regardless of the receiver's perception.
Nice post interesting read, I think it all depends on who your with for example I can say anything to my mates and they know that it's mostly kidding because they know my tones and my body language etc but if your dealing with a complete stranger then you should just try not to be an arse hole. Getting to know people is the key, whether it's your local barista or your best friend you can get to know what certain peoples personalities are like and what they will find offensive or funny because everyone is different after all.
Yes, very true.. A friend of yours can take your joke lightly, but a stranger might be offended. That's a valid point. But if your friend gets offended by that joke, then we're back to square one :)
Very thought provoking piece. If I look honestly at myself I know I can react better to situations.
I live in Sharjah and I walk my baby around. As you may know, a lot of the driving is crazy. It leaves me with a lot of cursing.
Yeah, I know how traffic there is... But what makes those angry driving moments less harmful, is that when you curse, usually the other person can hear what you said, and you'll probably never see them again in your life :)