In this situation, timing is everything. When I have brought up stuff my therapist did that bothered me, his first mission was to understand me and where I was coming from. He would understand, often very quickly, and he would show me a lot of empathy. One time in talking about it, he even put himself in third person which greatly reduced the awkwarness I felt. After hearing me out, he would ask me if it would help if he told me where he was coming from. So far I’ve always said yes. And then he’d in a nondefensive and matter of fact way tell me what his thoughts and feelings behind the “offense” were. So far, what he thought and felt were so vastly different than what I thought he was thinking and feeling. It was a great reality check and helped me “recalibrate” my detection system.
I think what’s been key for me, though, was that he wouldn’t bring up where he was coming from until he’d thoroughly heard, understood and validated where I was coming from.
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