That’s a really interesting question. I strive to show that unconditional positive regard for people in my life and I’ve found it’s not too difficult with people who are new to my life.
I struggle to do that with my family and especially my husband. I think the reason is that I perceive myself to be negatively impacted by my husband’s wounds so it’s harder for me to simply be accepting and patient and allowing him his own pace to work through them. That’s true to some extent with my older children though I’m a lot more cognizant of my role as their mother and not wanting to parentify them.
There’s also my own dynamics. I know in my therapy I often look to M as the good parent I didn’t have. Well, before therapy, I was looking to my husband for that… and when he didn’t deliver (as it wasn’t ever supposed to be his role), I felt like he’d let me down, abandoned me, even betrayed me—all that fun stuff that makes having unconditional positive regard for him challenging.
It’s still my goal, though, and the more I work through my own stuff, the closer I’m getting to it.
And this is why it’s super important that therapists do their own work… because without it their wounds can at times get in the way of them holding their clients consistently in unconditional positive regard.