This is a fairly heart-wrenching post. I hope you can find happiness.
I tend to go through stages of feeling down, sometimes it is as simple as just waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't know if it can help, as we're all different. But, some sort of creative outlet, I think, is important as it helps me to keep my head level. Write a poem, or learn an instrument, draw or write a story, pottery, or anything where you make something out of nothing. I've always had an idea that as humans we're all creative by nature. Which, when we don't have some form of a creative outlet, the negetivety builds up within us. Might be worth a go as any kind of creative hobby is cheap or free.
But, I'm not a doctor and have no education in any of that kind of stuff so could just be talking nonsense.
If you read my other posts, I found happiness after rehab. Writing and blogging is my creative outlet right now, it helps me feel like i have purpose in this world. God bless Hive.
I just seen this post as you had posted it in the terminal chat. Glad you're feeling better and that Hive has given you some purpose.