For that neverending fight for that kind of life I deserve. I heard Ayn Rand’s words reverberating in my head, as if reminding me not to give up...
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.”
― Ayn Rand
Today I mourn for the following, in order of intensity with 5 being the highest:
- The loss of a job
- Letting go of things that I have right now
- The future uncertain
- The temporary defeats in this journey
- The neverending fight for that kind of life I deserve
I want my tears to be put into writing...and make something out of this infinite sadness. And you, like being a good friend you are, reading this at this moment, have you felt it? I just want to be reached out by that unknown hand coming from the darkness. I just want to be hugged so tight that I won't be able to breathe...
Can you hear me calling, someone, somewhere out there?
It has been 3 months since I got back from my long journey, staying in a beautiful island in hopes of living the life I’ve been dreaming of. Living a simple life and working towards achieving the goals I have created for myself. After months of facing the great “What now?”, things have finally fallen back into place - finding a job, steemit, a seemingly perfect place and a life away from the crowd.
But that was just an illusion....
Perhaps this beautiful island is not meant to be lived the way I want it huh. That I’m not meant to live in isolation in hopes of making something out of my solitude. The force of nature I have no control of that made me lose the job. Today I expressed my angst and frustration towards the things I have no control of - the unstable power, the weather condition, the small town people slacking and putting up with everything shit, and my own lack of patience. I've been imposing the impatience attitude I got from the city into this place.
Perhaps this island is meant to be enjoyed, the sunset meant to be silently gazed at, the steamy white sand meant to be walked on and the long stretch of beach meant to be loved.
I am lucky to be from a paradise still unspoiled....
Perhaps I need to go out and face the daily conversation I've been dreading of. Be out there, talk to people, meet amazing people for crying out loud! Give them a chance to be part of my life and write about it. Do not be afraid to get hurt...
I have a great attachment to good things, and yet when I lose them I become extremely sad. And here I am presenting you my two extremes - happiness, and sadness. The yin and yang of my life. I can express myself very well with all that familiar emotion coming in and out of my life constantly. I tried to force things to work my way, but when things are not the way I expected, I drowned in this sea of sadness.
Why things have to fail again and again, this question I have been asking all my life.
The great “What now?” like I’m not used to it by now. The question has been following me all throughout my journey and the answers have always been right there in front of me. I have been failing epically along the way, embracing failure like a good friend.
A good friend once told me “If things are getting better, we sometimes think, what’s the catch?”. That we are both so used to failing that we no longer believe in the good ones.
But today I rejoice for the following, in order of intensity with 5 being the highest:
- That I will be able to write full time, read books and enjoy the outdoors.
- Move to the north and embrace beach life. Explore the underwater world, swim into the magical lagoons, dive into the emerald waters of the sea and watch the sunrise every day.
- Move freely wherever I want. Let go of things and simplify more.
- Finally be able to work on my start-up project.
- The neverending fight for that kind of life I deserve.
I am that undead hero among the living, no matter how hard you try to shoot me in the head. I will always try to rise and move forward. I am convincing myself not to give in to these temporary defeats along the way, these things just give me more freedom. The freedom to fight for that kind of life I deserve, because it is real, it is possible and it is mine.
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STOPMy dear, first of all the hugs you asked%)
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On the second, I just want you to know that you are a very precious woman. We all have out ups and downs and life sometimes seems to hurt you. I believe there is always a reason for it and if it happened then you can cope with it. In my life some of my biggest failures turned into the biggest success - the only thing I did not see it before I went until the end so you are right to keep moving. On a separate note, I do not think that feeling uncertain is always a bad thing. Take your time, feel whatever is happening right now and listen to your inner wisdom as you and you alone know what is next. Maybe it is just time to be still and listen. Lots of love from me.🌸 ♥️🌸
@sashagenji, and I'm here to receive your hug and your kind of words. It feels as if you're talking to me in person, I appreciate what you wrote.
Everything will pass and I will just take this as another part of my journey. I'm feeling everything at the moment and I hope that everything will work out fine again.
Thank you again!
I am sure it will! And appreciate the stage you are in now - I call them" the gems of uncertainty" as they usually give the best bits of advice what to do and can be the biggest turning points in life %)) And thank yourself as you are able to move forward each day a step%) I got up today (actually jumped out as crazy%)) with though about you and one fantastic image in my head - will share it when will paint it%) You keep inspiring me %) Thank you for it and for you post which I trully enjoy reading.
Thank you once again that I woke up to this @sashagenji, you are making steemit a better place with your kind words and your work of art.
Let's face the uncertainties and think of it as the door to unlimited possibilities. :)
I totally agree%) I imagine it would look like this%) I just could not stop myself creating something from your words%) Maybe I should give you a job of working as my full-time Muse?? hehe%)
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PS: At least it helped me to find final piece for a client's artwork%) so thank you, dear%))
Thanks! Wow.
This is a nice piece of artwork @sashagenji, did you design this? You should post this here on steemit. :)
Hehe. This one - the picture is one of CCO images I found. Words are yours%) I just combined them together so they can tell the story how I see it%) Sometimes I do everything from the scratch myself%) As for posting I do it but I chose to do it for the people who's post I adore%))
@diabolika did you ever think, you will get out of a hellish circle and venture into the world? It happened! You got freedom, you mananged to go out there, you managed to live a life that many of us just hope we could. Wandering alone, feeling beat by the tides of time or situation has a certain flavor to it I think! Imagine those people who do not even know what life is about, what is freedom, what is individuality, what life is about. People who will never discover their true self. You are a courageous, badass woman who is living life in a non conventional way. Sure there are hardships, but when you feel lost, try to remember that exact moment when you decided to embark on this journey. What was your exact thought? There is a saying among my people that whatever happens, happens for good. Maybe the island is trying to teach you something important about life. Maybe something better is about to come! You have my best wishes you wonderfully talented writer!
Thank you @things for that wonderful comment of yours, that will just keep me writing more. I agree, these signs of failure and defeat that come my way should be taken as part of the journey. I try to look back, the things I've conquered along the way. That everything in this journey of life is just teaching us something.
Maybe this island will teach me something, and I will be happy to write about the things that I've learned.
I wish you alot of success and courage.
Thank you!
Keep writing. You write so passionately.
Thank you.
fighters are those who win - keep fighting!
Fighters we are @anialexander! Thanks.
And so we go on, probing reality for the next opportunities.
Those of us who care enough to prod against the boundaries of "reality," that is.
I can't wait to see what comes next, your spark is alive and well, let it rage :)
Thanks, for allowing me the freedom to let it rage...
Infinite possibilities ahead!
Warrioress!!
;)
I can hear you!
It has been my experience that life throws us "the uncontrollable" and "the unexpected" when we ignore or postpone opportunities for growth. I had to learn it the hard way - there is no point in trying to control life. Whatever you are afraid to do, you will at some point have to do, if you are to allow your spirit to grow and unfold.
My favorite book character is Edmond Dantes. He became a truly powerful man, the Count of Monte Cristo, because of all the suffering he lived through, but the reason life threw him on such a hard and sorrowful path is this - he was afraid of his own happiness.
I don't believe for one second that sadness is unavoidable or that some people have no choice but to go through it. Sadness is just a misalignment of energy, the thinking of sad thoughts.
You have a wonderful spirit and a great talent, now all you have to do is figure out what your spirit is telling you, where it wants to go:)
@anarchospace, I have been waiting for this comment of yours, I can hear you talking to me as I read these words. I know that I have to go through everything, not leaving a path untaken. I just have to let go of my attachment and stop trying to control things.
Thank you for your kind words.
I hear you... hug to you.
In order to see the light we have to experience the darkness! <3 Hang in there.. pause, breath, write.. release.
Thank you @rebelbuddha, what exactly I need today. :)
"I am that undead hero among the living, no matter how hard you try to shoot me in the head. I will always try to rise and move forward. I am convincing myself not to give in to these temporary defeats along the way, these things just give me more freedom. The freedom to fight for that kind of life I deserve, because it is real, it is possible and it is mine."
I think you answered your own question here. I really wish I could tell you what will be next. Maybe you have to take an "ordinary" job for a while. Maybe even something better comes along tomorrow.
But be sure something is coming as long as you believe. Wise sentences like there cant be light without darkness will propaply not help. But be assured I read every word with caution and I send you my hand and a hug for comfort to help.
As you wrote to your younger self that letter on what and what not to do, you will look back at this moment and think how concerned you were and smile about it because everything turned out fine.
And I bet you already felt better when you finished writting this as the first half is full of fear sadness and uncertainty and the second half full of hope, goals and ambition.
Be assured as long as you keep writting like this you will find a lot of people following you and cherish what you have to share with the world.
My upvote isnt worth anything atm so I wont upvote now but will come back to it when I got my Steempower back. Moneywise I hope I can help you with a resteem.
@flipstar I woke up to this encouraging words of yours. Your presence is making steemit a better place for me to belong to.
I am of course trying to put in application what I write, as I know what to do , what encourages me and puts me down. But I am also writing what I'm learning along the way. Steemit is just one way for me to express myself, my realizations, my fear and all of the things inside my head. It's actually helping me to feel better.
You don't have to worry about the upvote and steem power, your comment is powerful enough.
I will keep on writing the progress in the upcoming days...