It’s been over six months since I separated from my husband and partner of seven years. I hit the ground running and didn’t look back. I filled my calendar with lunch dates and important meetings. I signed myself up for a variety of different classes. I lost weight. I felt like I could do anything and everything.
I wrote a raunchy country musical with 20 friggin songs in it. I went sailing in the Caribbean for 10 days and took someone who was practically a stranger with me and paid for his expenses (it didn’t end well either). I met with executive producers and people with important connections to get major projects off the ground. I formed strong bonds and partnerships with friends and we were going to big things together; a live variety show in a 400 seat venue. Monthly.
I was gigging all the time. Playing music. Writing music. Scoring film soundtracks. I was writing 3 pages of stream of consciousness every morning before I got out of bed. I gave up coffee, sugar, dairy, wheat, alcohol. I was doing calisthenics every freaking morning. I was goddamn super woman.
It appears as though I was afraid that if I gave myself a minute, even one minute of unstructured time, it would all fall apart. If I sat alone with myself for any length of time the tingle would begin in the back of my throat and then the tears would start. I just had to keep moving.
Now I’ve met someone special and my routine is interrupted. Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad when I’m standing still. There is a connection. There is chemistry. But there is no routine.
I find myself falling in love and at the same time falling apart. It’s as if I was only being held together by this thin epoxy of control that gets all tacky when a little heat is applied.
Maybe it is not possible to pick and choose our emotions. Perhaps one cannot fully express love while holding back other emotions, especially strong feelings of sadness and grief.
I’m pretty “happy” right now… and yet I’m waking up again in the middle of the night with panic attacks. My life is good… and yet I find myself unable to return calls or text messages or do something as simple and benign as washing the dishes or meeting a close friend for lunch. I have everything I need right now to be fulfilled… and yet I’m sitting here crying as I’m typing, for no reason other than I’ve sat still long enough to feel the things that I’ve been trying not to feel.
I have no great insight to offer on this matter. Only a snapshot into my secret reality that has kept me for the past 34 years from fully realizing my potential.
I'm in the same boat! I've spent my whole life striving to fill the void, avoiding the stagnancy that complacency brings, yet all the while, working towards the very stability and peace that I was so afraid of. When I was suffering, I was evolving. I was distracted by my dreams. Now that I'm living the dream (basically just living a normal life with no more trauma or giant setbacks, and having a partner that doesn't that make me doubt my own worth) there's nothing steering the vehicle! I've stopped making art, I've stopped searching for more, I've stopped.. moving. Now that I've got nothing else to run from, I have no idea where I'm actually running to.
A friend of mine recently went through the exact same scenario as you.
When things are perfect, then it really isn't. Imperfection is life and the only normal. Tears, sorrow is part and parcel of it all.
Unfortunately on social media other people's lives look perfect. And self doubt creeps in.
It is much easier to survive once we accept that life isn't perfect!
Your post is golden. I think writing might have its advantages as well as thanks for sharing
Amazing art writing
A very touching post ..
Thank you for sharing @amandarichards..
I have upvoted&following you
please do the same for me
really wonderful art man great writing. upvote & resteem
This is a great observation about yourself and you are brave to share this publically.
I have noticed that many people stay busy or otherwise occupy their minds so they don't have to deal with stuff.
Hey! This post is awesome. Gladly i found this on steemit. Upvoted and resteemed.