Happy Birthday Amanda. 🙂
I hope you're doing as good as is possible where ever you are. ❤
Things sure have been pretty crazy in the world lately, I think I mentioned that in my last letter... Yet, even more so now in some ways.
As weird as it sounds, it kind of reminds me of the book you gave me to read Brave New World... I think the world was already sort of heading in that direction, though... We just keep collectively moving closer it seems.
I don't wanna go too far in that direction with this letter, however it felt significant enough to mention real quick.
So... Yesterday I was thinking... This is probably gonna be one of the best letters I've ever written/typed to you because I'm so much less depressed these days and I know you would appreciate that! ❤ I think everyone who cares about me appreciates that.
I thought this might be the first letter I'd get through without crying, guess I'm not there yet... But... Not sure I should ever be there either. I'm human... And it's human to feel.
Anyways... Umm... I still think of you often and as crazy as it might sound I haven't given up on the idea of a time machine or some other way to reconnect... Who knows what's possible?
I'm going to keep trying, and... I'm going to try to maintain a more positive attitude and to more love, forgive and accept myself and others.
Some really amazing things have happened in recent times and I've been very grateful I didn't give up... Even just another day or memory with my parents or simple things like the wind and rain are so meaningful to me now and I wish I could share some of these things with you, though I have a feeling you're probably there in spirit and you know.
Speaking of the wind and rain, we've been getting some weather recently and it reminds me of you.
There was an adventure I went on recently... And I just kind of felt like it really strongly for the first time in a while that you were with me there in spirit and... I kind of feel like I'm sort of "back on path" so to speak, after losing my way a bit...
It feels so amazing to feel like you're there again sometimes. I missed your energy and I'm sorry I was so incredibly sad and depressed for so long, I know you wouldn't want that...
But, like I mentioned above I'm human and I wanted you to stay so bad and not just for myself, but for you and your family and friends and the whole world and I admit I have trouble letting go sometimes as well.
Whenever anyone would mention "letting go" after you left it would bother me, I don't want to ever let go of you. Yet, at the same time... True love and true freedom I believe is letting go, so on some level I have to do that because I love you so much.
Yet, I always want to hold on to these memories of you and the spiritual energy that connects us between worlds.
It's rough sometimes, tears flow down my face again. Yet, I realize more than ever that I need to keep going and to love and forgive myself more and try to do some things with the time I have left that hopefully you and others will appreciate.
And if you are there in a spiritual sense and you do know some of these things... Then I have a feeling you are already appreciating what I've been up to because I've been making some good progress with a lot of the areas in my life that were underdeveloped or which needed healing!
Still not there and who knows if I ever will be, though... I'm just glad on a regular basis that I healed this much and that I learned some of these things about furthering my self love, forgiveness and gratefulness.
I have a sort of "ritual" I do everyday where I thank the universe and it's made such a major difference... I hope one day I can help teach some of these kinds of things to others who are going through similar difficult times.
Oh... I guess I should mention dating/women sorts of stuff since I usually talk about that with you in these letters...
Umm... There's not a lot to report.
I've been on the dating sites, but it seems like most women stop responding before too long.
There was one woman that like... Umm... I'm not sure how to say this.
When we met she had recently lost her fiancé and I don't think she was looking for dating at the time and just looking for someone to hang out with probably because she was super lonely like I was after you left to the next world...
I wanted to try to be there for her like no one was there for me, and I wanted to give her a hug really bad, it seemed like we were going to meet up too and then she stopped responding.
I tried numerous times and it just seemed like... I dunno... I can only guess. Yet, after you left I wasn't ready to love again for around a year and I felt like I was betraying you every time I met someone, even if it was just meeting up as friends sometimes as weird as that might sound.
It's difficult to put into words, normally I might be more upset that I was "ignored" or maybe I would have tried to pursue her more, but because of the circumstances I'm just wishing the best for her.
I hope she finds a great connection when she's ready.
Losing someone you love is one of the most difficult things ever to experience in life... As much as you might see it in the movies or read or hear about other people's stories, you just have no idea until you experience it for yourself and my heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone they love in such ways...
This life sure is brutal sometimes, though the good memories make it all worth it for me. When we first met in person and went on that walk and the cats came out to play with us and the beautiful sunset colors and talking by the creek... That makes life worth it for me. Those moments with you.
Ah, jeez. This letter ended up involving a lot more tears than I expected.
deep breath
I should probably end this soon as this is getting pretty long and I think I've covered most of the major things...
Thank you so much for being such a good friend Amanda. I'll never be able to put into words just how much you mean to me and I look forward to seeing you again whenever possible. Much love forever. ❤
A beautiful letter, I do hope you reconnect again.
Thanks bengy. I appreciate that. :) I hope so too! <3
I imagined I was her reading this, as the message is so personal. Though I don't know her I do know love, so I feel confident your message is well received.
I'm glad to hear you are growing in a positive direction. Your value here in the world is immeasurable.
That must have been interesting, I think I tend to do similar when I read certain things as well and it's good to know that you feel the message is well received. :) I try to be really straight forward and come from the heart and hopefully that shines through and it seems like it does.
It's good to know that you appreciate me growing in a positive direction and what you mentioned in regards to value is humbling! Yes, I think each one of us has value here that is immeasurable, that's a good way to look at it! :) Thank you for sharing some of your thoughts and perspective with me, you're a good friend and I hope things are going well for you! <3
My brother, if you wanted her with all your heart it would be so. But, like my own, I believe your heart is conflicted. In the process of attaching ourselves to one thing or one person, we detach ourselves from everything and everyone else.
I believe I have spoken to you enough to know that you are not one who is blind to their responsibility. And so I am sure that on some level you know, it is not right for you to be with her. You have a higher calling. Not because you are "chosen." But because you have chose. Chose to serve a purpose greater than your own desires, and this conflict, between having what you want and doing what you know you must, is what divides your will and your focus, and keeps her from you.
God demanded Abraham to sacrifice what he held dearest, because there were more important things for him to focus upon. I believe it is time for you, and for me, to make a similar sacrifice. For it is only when we have truly let go of our greatest desire, that we will be able to take sight of the will that betrays it.
But the choice of course, is yours. And this is the greatest blessing of life - the ability to choose. So if you wish not to sacrifice a future with her, then sacrifice the part of you that wishes to make a difference, and into your arms I am sure she will fall quickly.
Hey friend, it's good to hear from you. When you say...
I'm not sure if you're referring to Amanda or the woman I told her about. I can't be with Amanda as she is no longer physically here, in regard to the other woman I just kind of feel like she's dealing with a lot and I don't really want to try to pursue her when her loss is so fresh. Maybe in the future, but... I'm just not really getting the vibe she is wanting to meet up with me so I'm not going to push it.
I do think what you mentioned about detaching is some powerful stuff and I have recently sort of "let go" of all my dreams in regard to romantic stuff for the most part and am focused hard on working for a while, I think if I do it this way and work hard that maybe the romantic thing will come down the road when I'm more successful. :)
Though, ultimately to be as free as I am right now in my mind is a great gift... It would be much more difficult to buy me off considering the extreme loss I've already dealt with... And I've been able to spend a lot more time trying to help the world because I haven't been in a relationship, so... I try to see the different aspects and would like to experience some more romance, though I'm just so busy right now I think I gotta focus on me for a while. <3
Thanks for the very thoughtful response! It gave me a lot to think about.
Also, I look forward to chatting with you more on discord! Peace friend. <3
I do not think myself deserving of the thank you at the end of your comment. I did not read closely, for I presumed the post was about the one you told me of some time ago, that you cared very deeply for. I felt that I would become sad and start missing the one I love, if I read the message in its entirety. But it was foolish of me to presume, and I apologise for that.
I am glad, however, that I managed to say something relevant at least.
In regards to the loss I now understand you to have suffered, I've nothing to say. For I know there is nought I can that will make any significant difference. Some wounds are only healed with time. But if you would ever like to talk about it, you know where to find me.
It's alright. No need to apologize.
It's true that any words will likely not change much in regard to that, however I do appreciate words nonetheless even if they are futile at times and beyond the ability of "spirit" to properly convey or express.
Also... Thanks for offering to be there if I would ever like to talk about that. I appreciate that and will keep that it mind!