I don't know whether to say yes or no.
Uptove?
You obviously have a good idea for a story, but it is difficult to read because of the too many mistakes you make in the language. Steemit is international, for everyone, of all languages. I don't know how you are translating into English, but it is not working.
I suggest you post in your language and in English. If the reader likes it but wants a better translation, you give them the possibility of doing so, as they can use the original (your language) to maybe use a better translation service.
You also do not say, is this the end of your story? It sounded to me like the beginning.
Thanks for your advices. This my story in Spanish language: https://steemit.com/microcifi256/@eryh14/concurso-de-microrrelatos-de-ciencia-ficcion-microcifi256-semana-6-el-dia-que-el-tiempo-se-detuvo This is only chapter 1 of my story. Thanks for reading.