The Unspoken word

maverickinvictus (66)in #writing • 7 years ago (edited)

To my Broken Muse,

It has been a couple of months now since we last talked. Yet I can still remember the timbre of your voice as you sang to me as I fall asleep. Oh, how you love those Sara Bareilles songs. Do you know I still visit your covers from time to time?

Source

We stumbled into each other as we were both were using Steemit to make sense of our anxiety and depression. With our deep-rooted fear of being judged and unwanted, we found solace in the kind words and support. We both knew that we could count on one another to understand what it is like to live our lives.

Your art spoke of the heaviness and anxiety that you felt. My words carried the weight of the world bearing me down. In Steemit we found our own private world to try to slay the demons in our head.

Do you remember that day last December? You told me that you had a new account and that it was going to be the new you. That was the day that I decided a month before to be my final day in Steemit. That I would be gone yet hearing how excited you were I instead blew my candle and wrote some more. It was a rebirth for both us that day.

I asked you once, quoting from the lyrics of Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Snow Patrol

You answered yes.

Comments, turned to messages, messages turned to calls. You would be the last voice I hear at night and the first message in the morning. Everything was good or so I thought...

You called crying that you did not get in. You poured your heart out. You said you gave it your all but they chose someone from their circle. I did not want to say it was expected, I did not want to say that it was politics and circle jerking. Those were not the words for that situation.

I told you to try again and again and they would see that you have so much to offer. That you my broken muse will be a great addition. You cried like never before. You really took this hard and all I wanted to do was to go to you and wrap you in my warmth and say things are going to be ok. Things will work out if you try again.

The old feeling of being not good enough and being unwanted gushed out of the surface. I tried my best to console you. You said that you are tired of crying and will go to rest early. That was the first night you didn't sing for me.

As we were saying good night, I paused and hesitated. I wanted to keep you talking but you said you wanted to rest. I silently mouthed the words "I love you, please don't go" but I could not say it out loud.

Little did I know that would be the last conversation we would have. No messages the next morning. No answers to my calls, no posts for the following days. It was as if you never existed. Ghosted.

You told me once that you often did this to people that you love. This is such a strange way of telling me that you love me.

So to my broken muse will you appear one of these days and would I finally have the chance to tell you the words that I long to have spoken on that fateful night. Will I ever have the chance to tell you that I love you?