Is there a stable personality? Is this I? The topic of this week’s #artexplosion contest from @juliakponsford is „introduce yourself“ and I tried myself to bring the inside out.
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Perhaps I have read to many buddhistic texts or simply am not good in self exploration, but I only feel a stable self, but intellectually I am convinced I don’t have one. Sounds complicated? I guess it is. I perceive myself as a continuous personality from birth to now (ok not birth, my memory doesn’t reach back that far). Nevertheless, I intellectually know that my skills changed over time, that my behaviour changed over time and that my mood changes perpetual.
Also painting a self-portrait was no option as my face changes sometimes even faster than my mood. (sigh… hello wrinkles)
I then asked myself which trait I perceive as especially relevant for my personality, which trait leads me to believe I may have a stable self. And I discovered the „despite“. I don’t like my appearance but produce and publish a huge number of selfies. I don’t like the style of my paintings, but nevertheless paint. I don’t conceive myself as well-educated but meticulously research every trifle bit. I am afraid people think me stupid, but I speak and write publicly.
Measuring Isolation f/impr is exactly this, the „despite“. I don’t want to see my body, I don’t find the art I do relevant and my body hurts form moving, but despite this I made this little dance film.
What we did
The film emerged out of the end of an exhibition. It emerged short before destruction. Silvia Müller and Knut Lenkewitz made an installation out of paper bags. Over 200 bags are glued together to form a cell. A room for isolation as most light and sounds are absorbed. Inside this cell are paper-cocoons with poems and photos of prisons which reflect both the safety and the separation an (isolation) cell evokes.
At the last hour before closing we collectively brainstormed how to break down the installation, because it didn’t fit through the doors (it was constructed on-site). And the film “Measuring Isolation f/impr” shows these last minutes before I dance-destructed the cell. In an improvisation I tried to measure the installation, tried to explore the inner room and to explore how it feels to film something which I knew I will perceive as imperfect (I like improvisation as a technique to expand once artistic horizon, but I am not a fan to publish unrehearsed dance). I explored how my insecurities are reflected through inhibited movements, but also how the security of the cell would give me a (false) impression of being alone instead of being filmed.
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We also filmed the destruction process and perhaps it would have been the more impressive film to show here, but I wanted to show something of myself (as I tried to explain above). And this something is me going forward although I doubt, hate, critic, fail. In my opinion I could only show you this by publishing a film which is not perfect (in my eyes) which has length, which shows inconclusive moments: a film I publish despite this.
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Who did it
This was not a solo project. I couldn’t have done it without Silvia Müllers and Knut Lenkewitz amazing space installation “Isolation”. Behind the camera for filming was Silvia Szlapka. Both Knut Lenkewitz and Silvia Szlapka also made amazing photos (some of them are interspersed in this post). My contribution was the choreography, the dancing, cut, music and making a film out of this :-D
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Thank you so much for following my meandering thoughts about the self; for watching me moving strangely through a paper cell.
Thank you @juliakponsford for this amazing opportunity not only to widen my artistic horizon, but to explore perhaps a little bit of myself.
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Wow! I always love your dance entries and that installation is really cool looking too ❤️
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Thank youuuuuu <3 As always super happy you like it.
It was a very spontaneous operation and fun to make, although I had cuts from the paper on arms, feet and even on my lips :-DD I did not notice it while dancing.
Congratulations @neumannsalva!
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Wow thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🌈💕
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You're welcome @neumannsalva
BTW, feel free to support back and vote for me as a witness if you like my work at promoting your posts.
Hi neumannsalva,
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Thank you so much for choosing my post and for all your awesome work 🌸💕🌈
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hi @neumannsalva
how wonderful, i found your beautiful, hypnotic improvisation. through you you can feel all the drama of the moment. and I find your concept of "despite" very beautiful. I had never thought of it before. I feel very similar to you, I too don't like myself, I am insecure and I consider everything I do as crap, and yet ... I, too, the public !! as we are strange, maybe we just want some support and encouragement. yet even when there are compliments, I don't believe it, I think they do them to me to please me, not to offend me ... despite, I like it.
congratulations on your curie vote and thanks for sharing, keep it up
I am so touched by your wonderful and personal comment. But sadly my father is very ill and I currently don’t have time to answer you for real.
I will write you as soon as possible, sorry for this 🌈🌈🌸🙏🏻
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So, finally ... I am so sorry I took so much time to answer properly. I sometimes think the „despite“ is a kind of fight for being me. To prove the own insecurity, the own negative thoughts wrong. To replace internal acceptance with outward acceptance... not always a good concept as I in this way depend on others approval. I notice it is like a never ending cycle. The approval only last for a very short time and then I need more. It may be a mindset which drives one to work harder, but it also (in my case) prevents me to be as creative as I want, because I fear mistakes...sigh, not an easy topic.
And as you stated, I also always find different explanations for success/ complements, than really being good, skilled etc... I always second guess.
Nevertheless, I am happy you do what you do and that you don’t let yourself be stopped by these thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with me 💕😍🌈
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There really is art in that scenario I really liked his creation. and your dance is very nice <3
Thank you very much for the compliment 🙏 And it means a lot, as I liked your artwork also 😍