Miss 1 had here 18month old check up at our local Doctor today. In I went all prepared, baby book at the ready. Questionnaire filled out. But not expecting what came next.
As most of you will know, I have six children, four of them have been diagnosed with ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder. All of them have only been diagnosed in the last two years, prior to that we did know that they had a few challenges but they had not been labeled as such.
Now I’m not completely naive, I know the chances of Miss 1 being on the rainbow spectrum are considerably high due to her siblings diagnosis. However, until there is a clear indication that she is in fact Autistic, I had decided not to spend all my energy worry about it. Until today.
As we went through the usual 18month old health check, my GP began asking several other questions that I had not been expecting. How long can she maintain eye contact? Dose she react to loud noises? Is she light sensitive? Dose she behave like other 18month olds?
As I sat there and answered every question, I knew then and there that Miss 1 is Autistic. She had all the signs. She hates light, especially sunlight. She doesn’t look people in the eye. She likes to hang of everything. She flaps (something I thought she was copying of her sister). The more I thought about it, the more it stood out.
When Miss 3 was diagnosed just last year I spent the best part of a month trying to convince myself that her doctors were wrong and that she was perhaps just mimicking her brothers. That she didn’t share all of their physical issues, so she couldn’t possibly be Autistic.
Now as I sit here looking at my beautiful 1 year old I am thinking to myself, why? What is the point in wondering? She either is or she isn’t. No amount of stressing or denial is going to change the outcome. The world will not stop turning if one more of my children happens to be a little bit different.
It will not change the way i love her. It will not change the way I raise her. So why do I have that ache of pain in my stomach? That feeling that if I had done something different I could have made a difference. This is my struggle today.
While today’s visit to the doctors lead to nothing more than his advice that we should monitor Miss 1, that he could already see the signs, but that nothing was a definitive yes or no yet. It was enough for me.
So I have given myself the next 24 hours. 24 hours to mourn the life that she could have had. 24 hours to feel like shit and blame myself for everything, as mothers usually do. 24 hours to feel sorry for myself. Then that’s it.
Why?
Because it’s not the end of the world. My daughter is healthy and happy. Just like her brothers and sister who have ASD, I have no doubts that they will live full and happy lives.
Will there be challenges? Yes, but everyone has challenges, this will be hers and it is mine. We will live with it together. As a family. We will meet every hurdle head on and we will succeed.
Nice smile....
I miss you baby....
I like it your story...
Success is always for you @mumofmany...
Thank you
I got nothing but ❤ for you guys.
Thanks hun ❤️
Miss 1 is a lucky girl because she couldn't ask for a better mum when it comes to raising kids with autism. I understand the need to grieve that lost imagined future... But as you said, you will succeed and pull through as a family, and her future will shine bright as long as you all have each other <3
Thank you, it’s funny how you feel like you have lost something. It’s a bit odd being that really I have gained so much.
The loss of your dreams for it child's future can be very devastating and I think it's good to grieve that loss so that we don't get stuck on the "what if".. Though I still get stuck on that at times! So I think the two co-exist.. We lose and we gain at the same time, and whatever we feel about it is whatever we feel. :)
Very true, they do kind of exist together, it’s almost impossible to stop the thoughts popping into your head despite your best efforts.
Your story is really incredible.Your daughter is really pretty.I understand your fears that maybe you could have done something different maybe it could have made a difference.Don't think about it so much,everything will be okay.God always has a reason for everything.No matter the challenges you face you will come out as a stronger and loving mother.
Thank you, they Always say, you are never given more than you can handle. Let’s hope that’s true!
Much love for these beautiful angles!
You are such an inspiration for all of us.
Loved your words,
"how much time should one waste energy on worrying about something you can’t possibly change!"
Thank you, I seem to spend to much time on things that are out of my control, so I’ve decided to just not do it anymore lol.
Easier said than done but I’m trying.
More power to you.
May God make things easy for you
Much love from Pakistan :)
Six children? That's a big family.
Your kids will be happy about that in the future, believe me.
I hope Miss.1 will have a better future.
I hope so, they are all stuck with each other now lol.
Every time I get that "what could I have possibly done to change this outcome" for stuff like this, I think well stuff could have been a lot worse. Then I stop fretting about it (and then youngest does something that requires immediate attention XD).
Least you have an idea what you're in for :) And everything will be fine :)
That is very true, I absolutely know what lays ahead and things could be a lot worse. I look at our family and think gosh we have a lot to deal with but when you look at others who have life threatening illnesses and such it really reminds you how fortunate you actually are.