Well shit, just over two weeks into my forced move into my in-laws I lost my shit. I knew it was coming but I wasn't sure what the breaking point would be. I've never bought into the horoscope Virgo neat and tidy thing but now I get it.
Being holed up and avoiding the plague has me on edge and after a few beers and a cluttered kitchen I went full fuck the world over a dishwashing incident. Firstly as a westerner in Asia I must brief on the East's distrust in machine dishwashers and also the hoarding of plastic bags and weird tuppers of old seeds and mysterious organic items strewn about. Washing my bowl by hand and my spoon, and I do mean mine as I don't trust anyone during this pandemic I was becoming increasingly agitated that there is no damn hot water. As I fumed silently angry washing I accidentally nudged a plastic container of putrid moldy fly infested seeds and stems. The filth flipped directly into the disgusting dish sponge container and covered me in the retched rotten mess.
The next hour is truly a blur of obscenities and misdirected hostility towards my better half, which is shameful but damn I've had it with this household. It all began with my burying my feelings about Xmas parties and nye parties during a 3rd wave of covid that is destroying this place. Lo and behold after the new year party we were informed that it was actually a super spreader event as the next day brought 2 separate instances of likely exposure. The following day my wife had a fever that wouldn't even register and through all this I kept my cool on the outside. But, inside, oh inside I wanted to set the house ablaze and disappear for good.
Oh yea also on this same day we found out we were exposed some cousins dropped by unannounced to show off their infant FML! I refused to come down and say hello and aside from the er trip I've not left my room. Except our bathroom is not functioning so I have use her parents toilet and shower which I hate not having my own safe shitting place. They also keep the bum gun hose right next to the toilet scrubber so that's delightful.
As am I writing this I'm getting agitated so I'm going to stop. I haven't left once today except to #2 I am basically on a hunger strike and if I'm being honest I was pretty upset I woke up this morning because dying in my sleep sounds phenomenal at this stage. I can't start my business because ppl are stupid and dirty, I can't leave my room for the same reason and I can't leave this God forsaken country for a plethora of related reasons. OK I said I was stopping but my misanthropy and loathing of humanity is at an ATH and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. "I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds" Dennis Always Sunny
First, you seem to be going through alot.
But the main thing is that you should atleast find a reason to be calm.
Leaving the country to me won't solve anything.
Just try getting some quality "me time"
You're absolutely right, thanks. The leaving the country is frustrations stemming from the reality I might not ever see my family again the way things are going.
Yeahz so just chill out and stop feeling that much agitated hehe
Hey @skramatters,
I just read your post here and feel compelled to write some words for you.
I see many similarities/parallels in the issues that we have in common with the drinking and self destructive behavior(s). I spent the entire first week of the new year in mostly a blackout state and am only about 24 hours recovered during the time of writing this.
I recognize the major trigger as a coping problem, and when I reach breaking point I do nothing but hurt myself and others and am left feeling shameful.
What is most humbling for me, is how kind and supportive people have been during my recent struggles, and that my friend, feels like a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
You have a good heart and people know it, please be kind to yourself during this time and try to get some rest.
If you have access to discord or telegram I can be reached on those platforms, and I am willing to be here for you for an ear should you need it.
I hope you feel better soon man.
Futuremind! Man so good to hear from you! I really appreciate you reaching out and sharing your all too similar struggles and the kind words.
You also clearly have the best intentions and that's what matters most in my book. We may fall but we get back up and admit our faults openly.
I fixed things today by apologizing to my in-laws and expressing my pain and unhealthy coping mechanisms that I will do my best to tame. For us addicts it's easy to excuse ourselves and say its just a few beers at least I'm not doing this or that, but ultimately it's the escapism that is the draw and as you've said when having a support system and not pushing them away is difference maker.
I also got out and drove my wife to the coast and got some fresh ionized air and fishy ocean smells in the system which helped fully release the dumb shit I'd put myself and others through needlessly. I'm still living and learning to be a better me. Thanks again I'll be on the lookout for your posts. I don't have those apps but I might get them and I'll let you know for sure. That's a 2 way street and feel free to holler at me and I'll get to a private chat asap.
Sounds like a crappy situation mate. At least you have a roof over your head and a place to crap. I am seeing more people that have become homeless recently. Hope things get better and you can see some positives I a bad situation.
Much appreciated, definitely I am blessed compared to many and need to realise that. It's not an easy go for most folks these days.