Everything went dark – Prologue
She hugged her knees into her chest, hoping that it would all go away. Her eyes were red and irritated from all the dust, and from crying. She looked up at her parents, her mother gave her a sign to be quite. After a long day they had finely managed to find a place they could be safe – for now.
She looked around and realized that they were hiding in an old house, it was hard to tell what room they were supposed to be in. The walls where falling apart, and the roof had huge holes in it and didn’t shield them from the rain.
Suddenly she could hear something that came closer. She tried to sneak a peek at it, and to her surprise it was one of them. It looked like it was supposed to be a man, she couldn’t define his age – All this clothes were ripped, and most of his skin were gone from his face. The skin that was left had a gray tone to it, and he had many bloodstains all over his body. The most terrifying sound came from this monster. His moans were sending chills down her spine.
In the distance she could see a car coming closer. It looked like a military car, and she thought for just a moment that they would be rescued. As the car got closer she could see two soldiers inside the car. They stopped just about 10 meters away from them. Before any of her parents could stop her she started waving at the soldiers and screamed for help.
Both soldiers had their rifles ready and were now aiming directly at them. Before the soldiers could do anything else, the zombies came out from their hiding places. The soldiers had to shoot the zombies, as they were getting closer to their vehicle.
Her dad looked at her with his eyes wide open, he knew what was going to happen next. He quickly grabbed his wife’s hand and yelled “RUN!”. She saw a little crack in the wall, and decided to run through that. She knew in the back of her mind, that her parents couldn’t run the same direction, but she had to try and get away.
The noise made more of the zombies follow them, and suddenly there where a horde after them. She looked behind and saw her parents far behind her. “Run to the wall!” Her mother yelled at her. She looked straight up and saw that the wall was not that far away. Tears began to fill her eyes and it was difficult to see anything.
She knew that they would help her if they could see that she wasn’t a zombie. The sound of a car behind them became clearer as most of the zombies were shot by the soldiers. They still ran towards the wall for safety. The car was in position from their left, and one of the soldiers took an aim at them. Suddenly there were gunshots, but she didn’t feel anything. She looked down expecting that her legs couldn’t carry her anymore, but they just kept running. She looked behind her, as she was getting closer to the wall.
Both her parents were down on the ground, and not moving at all. Tears began to roll down her checks. At the same moment her hands touched the front gate, her eyes were begging for help to be saved. The man at the gate looked at her with a strange look. He turned around and looked at what could be his lieutenant.
“We have been ordered to kill everyone outside, so kill her” He said with no emotions in his voice, without even looking at her. The first man turned around and looked straight at her and mumbled “I’m sorry”. He took up his rifle and aimed at her, there were a big flash of light – And then suddenly everything went dark.
This is the prologue of a story I'm currently working on, please leave a comment with any criticism that you might have :)
Congratulations @dinahthatsme!
Your post was mentioned in my hit parade in the following categories:
It's a good start to a story. Zombie books and movies are a huge industry right now. Keep up the writing, it may pay off for you!!
Thank you so much :D I'll post another chapter soon :)
Oof! Horrifying! Thanks for the story!
You should also check our @suesa's page. They're writing a zombie outbreak story from the point of view of a chemist/biologist.
Criticism? I think the story is clear. I'd suggest a proofreading pass if you're submitting it for professional consideration. You could also take a pacing pass: i.e. look for extraneous and/or imprecise words ("She tried to sneak a peek at them." becomes "She sneaked a peek at them." Like Yoda says, "do or do not, there is no try" [take that with a grain of salt]) and cut or replace them and look for the moments that you want us to live in, and expand on your details there. I want to know more about the crack in the wall that she knows she can fit through but her folks can't.
Wow thank you SO much for your comment :D! @improv
Really appriciate that you took the time to do that.
I will deff. check her story out :)!
Yea I do get your point, I'll try and be more detailed in the "moments" :) And I'll think about your comment next time I write another chapter!
Thanks for listening! I'm glad you like my advice! I'm also writing things over on my page, and I'm happy to hear the thoughts of others.
No prob, its awesome to hear other people oppinions on your stuff :) I dropped you a follow, and I'll check you out :)
Great! Welcome to the M.A.S! (The Mutual Admiration Society)
Sounds like a normal morning @dinahthatsme.
Its feels like this atleast 1 day in a week when my alarm clock go off.
Every day is a new day i tell myself.
Was a fun and qick read
Follow @mstaf
Lol, so what you are saying is that you are being chased by Zombies, loosing both your parents and being killed once a week :P?
Thanks for reading my post, before you comment @mrstaf
Great topic! Keep it up
Thank you :) Glad you liked it!
This is really great I can't wait to read more. I'm a big fan of living dead( I hate the word "zombie") and am excited to see what happens next. Keep up the good work. Definitely followed. And if your ever bored, I'm a fiction writer also, you can check out some of my short stories.
Ye I was thinking about using another word, but I didn't really know what to call "them" ;)
Thank anyway, and ill check you out :)
Nice to find some other writers here! Thanks for sharing your work--hope you'll keep posting more.
Hello :D
I will post another chapter soon, thank you so much for the support :)!
It looks like a promising start of a story!!! Keep up I'd love to see how this evolves. If you feel like it - check my page too... I'm very new and still learning but would appreciate advice :)
Thank you so much :D I'll be working on another chapter soon :)
I guess if the cardinal rule of tension is to get your hero up a tree and then throw stones at them, you are certainly doing that. I like the sequence of being trapped, then escaping, then loss that has no time for pondering, then trapped again. Also, by setting this up as a prologue, you get away with the last line. Something other than the obvious must have happened or else there would be nothing past the prologue. Good work.
Chapter 1 is now out :) - https://steemit.com/fiction/@dinahthatsme/where-it-all-began-chapter-1
