I woke up this morning in a depressed frame of mind, not all that unusual for this time of year. My mind was filled with thoughts like, why am I getting up? (other than my bladder) What point is there in even being awake? Why am I here? What is the point of being here? What is the point of life? What's the point of being conscious? Why am I here? Is there any point to life? Does life have any meaning? Are we just some random biological happening? Is this all there is? Do I have a purpose? Does life have a purpose? Is there any meaning to life in this 3 D reality? What does it all mean?
Kind of a rough start to the day...
Is it better to have goals for the day, or is it easier to just drift downstream with all the other dead leaves?
Why is boredom so hard for me to deal with? Why can't I just be happy with sitting on the couch and staring out the window at random things that pass by?
Why do I need to have something to do to distract me from my inner thoughts?
Are my inner thoughts so depressing that I need to distract myself from them?
Why do I think so much? Why do I have so much traffic in my mind all the time?
Why is it so hard to focus on any one thing for any length of time?
I was talking to my house mate about this stuff and we were talking about the strangeness of trying to find meaning in life. She's pretty comfortable with her life and doesn't get too introspective about it like I do. She's not easily bored like I am, and she's comfortable with not being busy like I seem to have to be. We all have our own individual way of relating to life, I guess.
Another thing that occoured to me in this whole "why am I here" thing was what makes me me? Why am I who I am and what I am. From the point of biology, I'm here because my parents had sex during a time that she had a ripe egg waiting to be fertilized. Would I be the same person if a different sperm had penetrated the outer membrane of the egg? Was it just a matter of luck or chance that I am me? Probably. Biology is too complex to contemplate the possibilities without melting down the brain...
Am I sentient for a reason, or is that just a strange trick of the brain chemistry and neuron functioning? This is a deep rabbithole to crawl down into, and the cheshire cat is just waiting to mess with your head.
"One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small, and the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all..."
Why we are sentient is a question with a lot of different answers, and none of them are likely to be right. Humans are simply not equipped to be able to understand the true nature of what is beyond simple consiousness. There are so many theories and esoteric explanations for why we exist and why we are able to think random abstract thoughts. I can't say that I believe any of the crap that people spout to support their theory of why we exist. All they have is their faith to try to prove their point.
It seems that a lot of us spend most of our life looking for reasons to justify our existence, for our "purpose" in life from all around us, from outside of us. Most of us come up empty handed in that search. Religion tends to be the thing that fills that hole in our existence from the outside. It gives us something to think about from outside of our inner mind, and acts as a bandaid to our inner emptiness. The problem is that it doesn't work for everyone. It would be nice to be able to just give up on our inner mind and just fill the empty spot with religious dogma of some kind, but that doesn't answer the deep questions of existence, it just fills the hole with mud. You have to have faith to believe the dogma, in some cases, complete blind faith. Faith is believing something without any proof to support those beliefs.
When something happens that cracks that faith, or worse yet, destroys that faith, the hole that's left in the inner self is twice as deep and twice as empty.
Finding something from inside of you to start filling that hole in your inner self is a lot of work, a lot of inner searching for your personal truth. Some people never find it. For some people, it's a moving target, every time you think you finally know why you're here, what your purpose is, something throws a wrench in your gears and you have to start looking again. Some people find their purpose in life, the thing that gives them inner peace and a measure of happiness, and it stays with them for the rest of their life. Those are the lucky ones.
I'm 63 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
For me, it seems to be a moving target. This has been affected by my lifelong difficulty with coming to terms with who I perceive myself to be, but am not. It's only in the last 10 years that I've been working on being ok with me instead of trying to hide it, even from myself. I've never been able to wish it away.
The inner parts of me don't mesh well together, so that makes everything else harder to deal with. There is a certain amount of this inner crap that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, because there is no solution to the problem in this life. I can't fix it, I can only come to terms with it being what it is. Every time I think I'm finally comfortable with it, something happens that makes me have to deal with all the feelings and emotions that surround it all over again. It's like someone took the box of crayons and dumped them on the floor, and I have to pick them up and put them back in the box again, neatly. It's tiring, and it adds fuel to my clinical depression.
And now winter is coming, and I have seasonal affected disorder, formerly known as cabin fever. I have various strategies for fighting back the depression, but some days are better than others. Today was not one of those days.
Thank you for stopping by my page to read this post.
An even bigger thank you if you made it all the way through this post!
First off I just want to say this was such a well-written, heartfelt post. It is not easy to share such a vulnerable part of yourself with others. Thank you for sharing a piece of yourself ♥
I have dealt with anxiety and depression from a very early age. While I was growing up I never understood why I felt the way I felt. As hard as my parents tried, they did not understand it either. I just ended up wandering though most of my childhood like a lost puppy. I never really fit in one particular group so I was always an outcast. It seemed people always liked me but they never really wanted to be friends.
My parents were very religious and raised my brother and I the same way. My life revolved around the church. I tried so hard to give it my all, but it never really felt quite right. There was an incidence that happened in my church when I was a senior in high school that made me question my faith. As soon as I turned 18 I left home and left that life behind...or so I tried. You were not joking when you said ... "the hole that's left in the inner self is twice as deep and twice as empty." Now I was confused to who I was and now lost any "connection" to my meaning that I had.
I went though this "crisis of faith" for years. It was not until I had to watch my dad die the way he did. He truly "walked by faith." He was the most humble, honest, meek person I have ever known. The way he died, and the circumstances that happened because of it sealed my "faith". I fell into a deep, dark hole of depression that I am still trying to dig myself out of.
My anxiety and depression is something that affects my life everyday. Most days the hardest part is just getting out of bed. I can relate so much to the questions you have. To the need you have to stay busy. It can be so overwhelming sometimes.
I am so sorry...this ended up being way longer than I intended it to be. Sometimes when I start writing the words flow out of me like a waterfall. Know that that you are not alone in the way you feel. Depression is a battle that is fought everyday. Sometimes it is minor and others days it is WW3. The important thing is that you keep fighting, never giving up. The fact that you are here is not by chance. You were meant to be here. I am meant to be here. We may not understand why, but how important is that really?
Again, sorry that ended up being so long. Thank you for being you ♥
I think this was a wonderful reply to my post!
I was also one of those kids who just sort of wandered through childhood, finding it difficult to make friends. My dad was in the Air Force, so we moved every couple of years as he was stationed to different places. That also made it a bit more difficult to make friends with other kids my age.
This is a subject that you could write about, if you choose to do that. I know that it's not a comfortable thing to write about, and not everyone wants to do it. I'm not sure what the best tags are for this subject, I should look into that, because the tags that you use on your post can help the post's exposure.
Thank you for the advise! I had considered doing a post or a series of posts on this. It is amazing how many people share the same feelings. If you would please let me know what you find out on the tags. I agree that the tags help with your exposure.
Namaste!
I feel the struggle too.
keep on keeping on. :-)
if you ever need to ,dm me in discord.
I have a saying that seams to help me.. " life is to short for bad days"
have a great day!!
Thank you!
upvoted
you are so kind :)
I hope you are feeling better. It is very difficult I know to experience such things. Something to try that has personally helped me a bit is to get out in nature as much as possible. Also, I changed my diet to more plant based or tree based foods and less grains with very little meat. Additionally, I like to place my water on the table for a bit and let it settle and air out too before drinking it.
On a spiritual level I have found meditation to be helpful. The mind can only answer questions to a certain degree and the heart and body needs to be felt too. This is just a gentle reminder to myself of my breath and the direct experience of the present moment. (I'm not that found of formally sitting still for a long time in the Zendo but many people like the support of a community)
I have been feeling much better than before, I hope that you can make adjustments too in what ever ways that help you.