This is a late entry to the Dreemport Challenge as outlined by @dreemsteem here.
If you've read Dreemie's post, you know that the idea for this challenge is that you've had a horrific nightmare, woken up, and now realise that you finally have the time to make changes to your life.
If you haven't read Dreemie's post then I recommend you do so.
The thing is, I haven't had a nightmare, but I do understand that I'm ready to make changes. I don't need to wake up from a nightmare to understand this. The reality of life is bad enough.
Changes, however, aren't always easy.
First, you have to make some shifts in the way you currently live your life. For me, those shifts require a level of commitment that I haven't employed for a long while.
I'm what you might call a drifter. Someone, who, in the words of one Pretty Woman, lives life by the seat of my pants. And that's been okay. I've stumbled into some great places with this attitude.
When I was younger, it was fun. I liked the idea of life being a bit of a magical mystery tour. I could set out not knowing the direction I was going in and kinda let it unfold.
The issue with that now is that I've ended up in a destination I'm not altogether happy with. And worse still, I kinda feel stuck here.
I could bore you with the grisly details of my life, but suffice it to say I now wish I'd had a bit more direction in my life.
That's not to say I haven't had some fun along the way. It's not even that I view my life as a disaster. It's just that, where I am now is not where I want to remain.
But making changes...
Where do I start?
The first point is to note down where I am now, what I'm doing that I don't like and how it's keeping me stuck.
Once I'm clear on that, it's time to look, using my keen imagination, at the direction I want to head in and the destination I ultimately want to land in.
Thankfully, I've done some work on this bit, and, so can share with you, that I'm already taking tentative steps on the pathway to being a paid copywriter.
The idea of spending every day writing while making an income from this skill is tantalising and exciting to me. It's also scary as hell!
You might be wondering why. Why am I scared of moving forwards in the direction of my dreams?
And you know what, I'm not even sure.
It could be the fear of failing. It could even be the fear of succeeding.
All I do know is that when I think of moving forward towards my dreams, I feel a powerful urge to run in the other direction. Or, to be more accurate, to binge-watch a Netflix series or play Elder Scrolls Online for hours on end.
Maybe, you can relate. Maybe not. But this here post is about me opening up and being honest. So, forgive me if I don't give two figs whether you understand or not. This is about me - and my demons.
I'm at the point of laying it out as it really is. I'm writing my truth. And that's not going to be the same for everyone else. And that's okay.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point because I've definitely been what you might call a people pleaser. I've tended to put other people's needs and wants ahead of my own.
That's not a gripe. Just a statement that I chose to believe to be true. And that leads me to the next phase of making a sustainable change.
Decluttering
After getting clear about where you are, and also, where you want to go, it's time to take some action. For me, it's looking at those pesky beliefs, like the one above.
Inside that belief of being a people pleaser, I've found how quickly I allow myself to go into victim mode. How quick I am to make excuses and, even worse, blame other people for my lack of direction and commitment to moving towards my dreams.
The thing is, I know that this belief isn't true. Lots of my beliefs aren't. Belief is a funny word, it makes you think of truth, but ultimately, someone else can hold a contrary belief that they hold to be true. So who's right?
Does it even matter? The truth, as I see it, is that none of us really know what the future holds. We can stay stuck or move in a direction that brings up fear but also has the potential to open us up to our dreams.
I think Steven Pressfield describes this process particularly well in his book, The War of Art.
In his book, he labels the feeling I've described as fear instead as resistance. But, however, you choose to label the emotion, it's a powerful and uncomfortable feeling that comes about as soon as you decide you want to make changes to your life.
The bigger the change. The bigger the feeling.
It's important to know that. Making changes isn't necessarily easy. It's not going to feel comfortable a lot of the time. Especially at the start.
Things like imposter syndrome will raise their ugly heads if you allow them. Even if you don't, they're likely to get by the bouncers you have put on the doors to safeguard your dreams. They'll be the ones carrying fake ids. And they'll show up just in time to wreck your party!
The thing is, and I've heard many people say this, you have to get really clear on where you want to get to.
I've spent a long time missing this step. I've also allowed things like doubt to creep up on me and scare me into not taking the next step. I've made excuses. I've blamed. I've done a whole host of things and worn every kind of label imaginable.
You name it. I've worn the Gucci Guilt attire. Hung the Berluti Blame bag on my shoulder. Got Angered by not having Armani's latest ensemble. And have a whole wardrobe full of Fear - a brand all of its own.
But today, I'm owning up to that. I'm acknowledging that the only person who's ever really stood in my way of achieving anything I've wanted is me.
I made the choice to go with the flow and live life as a magical mystery tour. Now, I'm choosing a different approach. Now, I'm going to see life as a story. And, in this story, I get to be the hero.
This is no
"nice little story about how we all get a happily ever after"
Words from @dreemsteem's post
but it is a story.
It is MY story and MY commitment to change.
Photo by Arnel Hasanovic on Unsplash
Reading your post, it felt like I wrote it. I think it is both the fear of failing and success. Am a drifter also. I never consider it a serious problem until lately that I set some task for myself and I never finished any. I felt so frustrated blaming everyone it wasn't until I listen to the preaching a of one of my favourites preachers that I realise I needed to check me first and make peace with my inner demons. My views have change since then and even my life is seeing the changes little by little. Imagine making plans the night before only to wake up in the morning doing nothing but reading novels and eating for the whole day, with nothing productive to show for that day, crazy. We drifters, really do live life as though we are doing a magical mystery tour, you just gave me a new idea. Most drifter are imaginative people, perhaps if I start imaging myself as the hero of my life like you said then the changes might become easier.
Thank you for your posting, I find it so helpful
This was such a beautiful comment to receive. Isn't it amazing how those things we feel a tiny bit scared to share are the very things that connect the most deeply?
Possibly, it's time for a lot more heroes to come to the fore in their own stories. 💛
It is absolutely amazing. Am going to be thinking like a hero from now on for sure.
💛
It's so hard to even articulate the feelings this post gave me... it hit home on some things I've been personally mulling over, especially this:
Sometimes the barrier to our peace is our perspective on the hardships we encounter. When we take ownership of the acts that got us where we are, we take back some power. Self-awareness is cathartic and beautiful 😁 I love that you put this under the umbrella of "decluttering" because a clean mind, a space where we move forward from the best parts of ourselves, is much like cleaning a metaphorical house.
AND I can totally relate to refuge in video games, during the hardest part of my life, I escaped into oblivion for several months. I had something like 2k hours played 😯😂
Thanks for this brilliant post ❤️!PIZZA
You're an Oblivion fan too. How cool!
I used to love spending days foraging for my magical brews, battling a few wolves and making my own clothes, while also sneaking around and stealing a few bits and pieces from the evil folk. All of these were absolutely necessary as I was on a mission to save the world from the dastardly Mythic Dawn. Haha!
But seriously, it was all about escapism, and I get it. It was needed. At least it was then. Now, I can take that talent to escape but instead of playing inside someone else's story, I can create my own. The stories I make up on the outside as well as the inside.
As I decluttered my external space, I also decluttered the internal.
It's amazing how much easier it now feels to write. 💛
oh LADY!!!!!!!!!!
i am not kidding when I tell you that I had ( and still feel them) CHILLS up and down my arms and back! hehehe and i'm also not kidding to say another fresh wave up them just attacked.
i could hear you ROAR in this!!! I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! I was mm hmmm! ing and ahaaaa-ing throughout this - and just SEEING AND HEARING you grip those reins tightly in your hands and shout to the horses "YAAAA!" HEHEHEHEH
i love it - i simply love it. it's truly scary as hell. and i LAUGHED OUT LOUD when you said you'd rather just say no and play Elder Scrolls online. because - (both hands raised right now for my online games that just help me drown out the fear and anxiety and also steal away moments, hours, days TOWARDS my dream)
ughhh. i GET it. oh my gosh i so get it and seriously - i barked with l aughter cuz i was just thinking GO JULES!!! FOR WRITING IT DOWN AND PUTTING IT OUT THERE. hahahaha
like 2 weeks ago I remember telling Pen "I just don't want to."
and he was SO kind and compassionate to not yell and harp and guilt me... and just hear me and hug me through it. cuz sometimes that's just what we need. you know? to just be allowed to flail and fail a bit... just so that we can FEEL that its NOT what we want. that we actually DO want to do the hard things and shut the game off and press on.
and let all the feels rage hehehe and flow and overwhelm and keep going!!!
all throughout the speekpeece challenge geez. it was rough. really rough. i just was pushing back and pulling in - to push back again. and drown a little and then breathe a little and then drown all over again.
it was freaking exhausting. and i'll be brutally honest again - hahaha i'm GLAD its freaking over.
but it was good.
cuz it did its job.
and now we choose and we champion and we charge forward!!!
i am SO SO thrilled with your courage displayed. not just in this post - but in your LIFE. keep sharing with us. hehehe you encourage us to keep striving!!! hehehe love you!
You nailed it!
This article was just about me and my demons ... geez!..you feel that fear factor??... it's cray cray trust me!... I am and still battling with those demons that constantly puts fear into me after I have done quite a series of imaginations ...then it puts me to hold!
Oh! I have a way out... well planned and laid...okay execute number one tasks it's a big step and the major one that once activated it will drive the other tasks to follow.... but making that big move it's something else...I agree with @geelocks the combination of both the fear of failing and success...it paralyzes me.
In that isolation, I fight them constantly telling them back off I need to pull that strings...so making peace with those little demons and decluttering as you said is a way out of it.
I hope we all find that lasting peace and overcome our demons @cescajove
It's important we stay hopeful at all times... thank you geelocks☺️
This is so thoughtful. So happy you're feeling inspired again!
It does feel good, Kara. 💛
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This does hit home, if only we can time travel to the past, we could have told our younger selves how to make a better future.
I feel you while reading as the feeling is mutual, this is beautiful, and thanks for sharing and standing tall above all.
It's interesting you say,
It's what I wrote about in another post I wrote for the Silver Bloggers community. It's about travelling back in time and reassuring the younger self echo (or wounded child). Imagination allows us to work on past traumas and allow for new learning. At least, that's a belief I hold, and one I like. 🤗
And I like it also.. Wow, great mind you have there..
It is will be alright someday❤❤.
Indeed the bigger the change the bigger the feeling to change is not a bed of roses
Reading from @dreemport
Hey there @sommylove, thank you for stopping by and commenting. 💛
You are welcome 💕💕
Jules... I loved this post... truly! You came out and laid your soul bare for all to see... and I do see you and I get it completely 💗
Isn't it such a revelation when you finally realise that the constant juggle to ensure that everyone around you is happy... the juggle to get the best outcome for all... is not worth the effort? It's exhausting, and for the most part, amounts to a whole lot of unappreciated effort.
About a year ago I allowed myself to start prioritising some of my own needs above those of my family. At first it was hard and I felt guilty at times (and maybe I have allowed myself a bit too much priority at times !LOLZ) but it got easier to cut myself some slack and to recognise that I too deserved to be happy and to have time to call my own in my day. More recently I have started to get a better balance and this means that I am on average going to bed earlier every night, and spending a bit more quality time with hubster and the kids. The pendulum swings a bit too far right then a bit too far left but I am getting closer to the magical middle line... when I get back from Cali I am going to stop procrastinating and try doing something that I think will get me writing daily.
I still believe that there are bigger steps I could be taking as far as my work-life is concerned... steps to move in a direction that would bring my workday more in line with my heart and my passions... but you nailed it! Change of that magnitude can be very scary, especially when it involves giving up the stability of a decently paid permanent position - one that helps to pay the mortgage, the utilities and the food bills. I applaud you! I wish more people had your courage and strength to make the changes necessary in their lives for them to be happy. I have some thoughts of things that I would rather be doing with my working week... and at some point I will start to explore them more seriously... they range from reducing my hours further to give myself a shorter working week and give me a day to myself each week that I could use to write and get much needed personal R&R time... to changing careers altogether. Sometimes we need the baby steps... at others we just need to leap off of that diving board into the deep end !LUV !ALIVE !LADY
Amen! Sister! 🙌
It's a journey. We all take one step at a time. Sometimes, it's like a dance and we jump to the left
and then take a step to the right. A time warp kinda thing, but we get there. Wherever there might be. 💛
💗👆
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So inspiring! Effecting changes requires a lot of commitment.