What a week, for fuck sake... what a week. I hadn't been so suicidal since I was 16 and my girlfriend cheated on me right in front of my face. Next day my parents divorced and I saw the world I believed to be eternally true shatter appart. For some reason that wasn't enough to kill my romanticism and go into painful relationships once and over again to repeat the same patterns that I integrated as a child in a dysfunctional family.
Families are under heavy questioning these days. At least the christian - patriarchal concept of family, where the biological parents and biological children look out for each other, willing to go to rather toxic extremes of submission and/or confrontation with the rest of the world to keep shit together in that core.
Honestly, I don't find that so bad. Some really aware beings have said to me that the traditional family puts us in small cells, dividing us from the rest of society. I don't disagree entirely with that, but I think we are divided more because of our egos than because of any of society's structures. How do we expect to unite as a humanity if we can't do it as a small group? Maybe families are the 101 of the Human Harmony course.
But I'm ok with each individual going in whatever direction they wish. Because freedom and free will are worth having and protecting. No fun in keeping a group united if each one has interests elsewhere. Unless, of course, you wished to experience devotion. Devotion is like giving up your freedom by your own free will. Makes your head crack, right? Can't ever experience devotion through the rational mind.
I usually experience devotion towards Mother Earth, I feel it is easier to put aside my pride and kneel with profound humility when I honor the soil beneath my feet. I'm not saying it's the only entity towards which I feel admiration and worthiness, but it's the one who's easiest for me to accept and allow free passage through my spiritual essence.
Resistance is a very interesting concept in that sense. When we understand capitalism as a paradigm that leads to unbalanced predation of the vitality of this planet, all people who do an effort to swim the other way enter a state of resistance, whether it's what they want or not. Devotion is opposite to resistance, yet, showing devotion to Earth is to resist capitalism.
There are many other entities who resist capitalism, even Christ. Krishna and Buddha are anticapitalists as well. You can't buy a Krishna state of consciousness, nor a Buddha or a Christ one for that matter. It's only gained when you take attention of the essence of experiences, not their commercial value. And just as you can gain it, you can lose it. Because ego likes to compare numbers. It feels happier when numbers are on the rise and frustrated when they are going down. It's incapable of valuing the experience of Life without parameters on which to compare.
Well, I started this post saying I was feeling suicidal. I've been having a really hard time motivating myself with anything, but today my friend @sempervirens came to the rescue once again. Made me get out of bed and start the day. Also gifted me a few good laughs which changed my perception of reality.
I wanted to leave the shelter. To go for a walk and never return to the past. I might do it, I might not. I talked with my mother about my depressive state of being and she said I should live with her for a while. But I can't. Because I honor my warrior ancestors and we are strong, and proud. So either I stay in the shelter or take the walk, but hiding under the mother's armpit isn't a choice anymore. I've come too far, made too many sacrifices to go into little chicken mode.
So there goes family. Can't stay sheltered in it forever. She did say something that made sense though: she told me to close the shelter episode before I left, to not leave running or everything would just become a ghost haunting me. And she's right about that, I've lived it before. I've ran from Life, and Life has chased me like a laughing jester all the way through.
A nice inspiration on how to actually do "close" the shelter episode came today as I walked towards the forest. I remembered I wanted to gather large amounts of lichens and place them all around the walls and ceiling so that they would absorb moisture and make things look better, also might keep in some warmth. I've already begun doing this labor which has been exactly what I needed as it makes me walk all around the forest, including places I've never been to.
Pictures of the trees or lichens first? Hard question, let's start with a mushroom hahaha 🤣
No idea what name has been given to this fellow but it is one of the strangest mushrooms I've seen around here.
I really enjoyed this scenario, magical, enchanting, reminds me of what I like about living in the forest.
Ok, the lichens! These were the collected ones, mainly those that could fill up areas and gaps of the hut:
This one is actually not a lichen, it's a parasite plant called Misodendron. It doesn't kill it's host but weakens the branches it's on. Probably the one I found more abundantly and took more of to the shelter.
The lichen below is called Payun Monguén by the Mapuche people (natives of Chile) and Protousnea poeppigii by the scientific community. It has proven to have antimicrobial properties due to the presence of usnic acid, much like usnea barbata. The common name given to it is "old man's beard".
I've already started placing all my foraged material here and there but I ran out of light before I took any pictures. I think I'll start a marathon of posts where I'll show my daily progress covering the hut with lichens. Should be fun ;)
Some more mushrooms, paneolus semiovatus in this case. These are supposed to be psychoactive but I don't know the dose. Also, it depends on their location whether they're active or not. I ate four of them since I was walking around on an empty stomach and got some slight feelings of drunkenness.
Finally some trametes versicolor, known as turkey tail mushroom, which is a great immune-booster :
Hope you enjoyed the ride 💚 I'll be trying to do as frequent updates as I can while I cover up the shelter, stay tuned!
Mi amiwo, siempre estare para reirnos llorar, cantar o lo q sea, te quiero muxo y se que la vida nos tiene sorpresas lindas, gracias por todo, estaremos aca esclavos de las tareas...buuu..tenemos q entregarlas el miercoles
Ñaañañañaña igual tkm , animo con las tareitas y pasen a la ruka cuando necesiten respirar
Yay! 🤗
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Stay strong brother! Hope you find inner peace, with or without shrooms!
Thanks bro, trying to keep it as tight as possible. I think I'm getting back on track. This weather is a huge challenge but as long as I'm standing here in this land I'll keep trying!
But there is no fun in being selfish and greedy either.
Most people wants only his/her own good.
Like you wrote that "I think we are divided more because of our egos than because of any of society's structures".
Many people think that humans is at the top, but the reality is the fact that humanity is deep down somewhere. Probably in the deepest depths somewhere.
Yeah, we might be actually at the lower tiers of the awareness chain. Finally we go back to balance, a bit of sharing, a bit of taking care of yourself. There's enough for everyone and everything when you open yourself to broader perception.
Yes, please share more about your expeditions in the woods, they're amazing! You're surrounded by vibrant colors. If I may be so bold, I think your mom's invitation has some merit that you might want to consider. Perhaps it's not about climbing back under her wing, but about settling stuff from the past that's currently affecting you at deeper levels. Moms always know secret stuff, hahaha. Highest Blessings of Strength, Power, Insight, Joy and Trust upon you!
I've been spending more time near her. But I'm also keeping my root in the forest so that I don't become too comfortable and forget what I'm doing. I suppose as a mother she must know many things, I try to listen though sometimes I just feel she doesn't get me. But it's all good, just part of the learning process ;)
Yes, everything is perfect as it is. My past weeks have been quite... mutable, to say the least, hahaha. It's fascinating, exhausting, joyous and terrible all at once!
I feel you!!!!
Are the psychoactive mushrooms growing in cow poop? I remember hearing some professor talking about how they think cow poop mushrooms were important to the brain development of early humans...
Check this out:
https://www.labroots.com/trending/neuroscience/17345/magic-mushrooms-restructure-brain
Now if I could just get some...
Man you’re good with plants, I’m sure you could grow some. Internet is full of tutorials on growing and if you want I can offer assistance through Discord. My username there is fenngen as well ;)
I'm pretty clueless about mushrooms, but I guess I could learn, the brain is still somewhat functional... 😀
Hope you go for it!
I'm sorry you've been struggling. When you say suicidal, do you mean actually wanting to die? That's rough. Maybe the forest nurture your beautiful warrior soul. Tough times, my friend. I love what you say about the earth. I feel so held by it, even in my worst moments. It's unfathomable where either of us would be without this connection.
I often want to die, I feel like it’s a bit pointless to keep spinning round and round in duality, and I sometimes find huge resistance from my ego to see the bigger picture. I do have a tech for it though: I tell myself that it’s fine to die but it should be slow and with awareness of the process, no quick fixes. I stop eating and perhaps that leads me into a bit of a detox from which I get back on my feet. Currently enjoying good breathing and gratefulness once again. Thanks for your concern and support 💗