One of the greatest attributes humanity possesses is cognitive thought and in particular the ability to learn. It's helped us crawl out of the mud, evolve from Neanderthals to Homo Sapiens, and to create the world we have now - (I'm not sure if it's a good world really, but let's just go with it) - and has enabled us to evaluate and find improvement where required...that's called progress.
Things don't always go to plan where humans are concerned; no matter how we try to influence situations they're subject to failure - to err is human, meaning we're fallible and flawed, and it's from failures where some of the greatest lessons derive and from which the most effective paths forward are laid.
Recently a friend of mine discovered the infidelity of her partner - it was a meaningless encounter (allegedly) and he's begged forgiveness - and it has been a very hurtful and destructive time for my friend. I am friends with both parties which increases the complexity for me however the situation is between them and it's not for me to judge either way, difficult though that may be.
My partner and I went to see her on Friday night and she's gutted, a hollow and empty shell compared to the vibrant fun-loving woman she usually is, however what struck me was her determination not to let this break her completely. She told us she didn't want this thing to define her and the future she has; I thought that was brave and shows ownership - something I'm quite keyed upon personally and which I promote in others.
We chatted about the events, how she found out and feels, and what her thoughts are as far as a way forward and my partner and I came away feeling sad about the situation but also somewhat happy confident that the event has brought her to a point where she has delved deeply within herself, found emotions and feelings, and meaningful thoughts which we feel will work to her advantage moving forward....once anger, despair and such feelings give way to others.
We don't know what she'll do and it's none of our business, we'll support her though and as for her partner, also a very good friend of mine, I'm trying not to judge but to support him too - that's not easy considering the situation, (some of it I'm purposely not divulging here), but he seems to be taking ownership and I respect that.
Life lessons can be small things that help us stay on track, be productive and efficient and assist us to hone and develop our lives more effectively, and they can also be major course-interruptions and corrections. Either way, they're important and the only bad lessons are those we do not take away into the future.
Have you had, or been involved in, a similar situation to the above friends of mine? Have you had course-altering lessons in life? Have you seen but discarded life lessons that have ended up working to your detriment? If you'd like to comment on these, or other, things please do however there's no obligation, the choice always remains yours.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
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Image(s) in this post are my own
I was in the exact same situation not long ago. Two partners, estranged by infidelity... It was a difficult and strange thing to accept and eventually, they worked things out.
It is still not completely back to normal. I can't say much more.
It's a difficult situation for those on the periphery and obviously for the people involved. I've seen it go pear shaped quickly, from bad to worse, and I've seen it travel a path (usually a long difficult one) to a reconciliation. I have my thoughts on it (which I'll reserve) but what's important is that those two people are comfortable with their decisions and actions moving forward.
Thanks for sharing a bit with your comment.
Life's twists and turns often teach us the most important lessons, even if they're painful. It's how we respond to these challenges that defines us. Your friend seems to be on the right path, and it's nice to see how you're supporting both of them through this difficult time. Thank you for sharing this story, it’s a reminder of the strength we can find in ourselves and in our relationships. Yes, unfortunately, I've been in a similar situation, but it happened to me. A long time ago, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me with my best friend. It was really tough because I found out myself, they didn't tell me. It broke my heart since he was my first boyfriend that I was truly in love with. He didn’t beg for my forgiveness, but she did. I needed time to get my thoughts in order.I moved to another city for school, and there I met my true love. Because of him, I was able to forgive my friend. I could see in her eyes that she was really in love with him. After a year, I started talking to her again and we sorted things out. I didn't want to lose her, we had been friends since childhood. Looking back, I think it needed to happen, because it led me to meet my husband. He supports me in every way and takes such good care of me.
They are still together, and now all four of us are very good friends. I still think I dodged a bullet because my ex couldn't handle seeing someone have a seizure. He saw me have one once and almost vomited. So, everything happens for a reason...
I agree, and your first line, the twists and turns thing, my dad used to say that a lot. He's gone now but seeing it written always reminds me of his wisdom.
I'm sorry this happened to you, such a terrible feeling and something that certainly changes one from the inside out I think. As you have indicated, some things just happen and then other things happen because of the first things and that sometimes leads to something really great be it self-change and enlightenment, wisdom, greater emotional strength and even better relationships as you describe.
You are someone who (I think) has been through many things, difficult ones, as have I, and I think you're better for it including this scenario above.
Thanks for sharing something personal.
It's nice to know my words reminded you of your dad's wisdom, those memories must be very special.Yes, life can be rough, but it shapes us into who we are. I never understood the sayings "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or "everything happens for a reason," but now I think there's some truth to them. Thanks for your kind words,they mean a lot to me.
Those two sayings need some experience to bring them to life as you say. You know, I've never thought of it that way before but that's exactly how it is right?
The saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, comes from Nietzsche ( I needed to google how to write his name, freaking hard to write) The original is in german, and it goes something like this: was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker. I will never forget those words. I was in a philosophy class, and a girl mentioned she had too much to learn. The teacher responded with those words. We were all like, uh, okay, we will never expect sympathy in her class, she doesn't support this :) and other saying, though I'm not sure who came up with it, but it's true. How could it not be?
Isn't it spelled Neetshkee?
Ok, maybe not.
Philosophy class? You're a smarty pants? Now I feel a little inadequate because I'm a knucklehead. :)
No, no, no, I am a person who does not distinguish between the left side and the right side, so I'm not a smarty pants, never was ;) It was only one year, then I dropped out. But still, some stuff stayed in my head. Philosophy, psychology, and history, I have an interest in those things. Anything else that doesn't interest me, I need to go back to school.
Friedrich Nietzsche—pretty hard to write down the name, but apparently, I can pronounce it correctly, or so I've been told. Maybe they're lying. :)
Hi Galen, I have personally experienced what you say about your friends, it was with the first woman I lived with and it was something irreparable as a couple. Of course there is a big difference, it was not a life project with many years shared and I think that helped us not to be so dramatic. So I think that in reality the situation may seem similar but it is very different.
And life lessons, the biggest life lesson was given to me by the death of my father. Not only his death, but also the process of the disease. It taught me, in case I didn't know it, that we are finite, and that you have to know how to value the important things in life (each one his own) and distinguish what is a priority from what is not.
Best Regards
It's a tough thing, or so I imagine from the outside looking in. It's a good teacher though only...some don't learn I guess.
We pick up our lessons from all over the place and it's the really smart ones that carry them forward.
I guess it's all about learning from the lessons life gives us, best regards
Yes, I have been in a similar situation where I was unfaithful, not the same but similar and from that situation I have learned a little more. I tend to distance myself from the person, somehow it's not the same anymore, a lot of trust is lost. Although there are cases and cases, it all depends on the particular situation.
But I did come out stronger to start again.
I'm very sorry for what happened, but I'm sure your friend will get through this.
You were unfaithful?
No, he was unfaithful to me.
(translator did not work)
Hi @galenkp. A friend of mine recently decided to get a divorce, mainly because she gets maltreatment from her husband. I am totally in line with her as I recently discovered with much pain and effort - due to various health issues of mine - life is too short and we have to make the best of it and try to be happy. Happiness is a choice. Have a nice day!
Yep, abuse in a relationships should never be tolerated. ✅
Your friend is admirable for being strong in this ordeal. I don't know the details, but in most cases, I consider the one who cheated at fault. Divorce is already available in a lot of countries, and if one is already thinking of cheating, then have the decency to break it up before doing so. As a friend, it is good that you are supporting her through this.
I tend to agree, she's handling it well (outwardly at least) and I also agree about the divorce comment. Not happy? Leave, get divorced. That's not an easy situation either, but it's better than the hurt an extramarital affair causes.
That's sad to hear. My good friend had to deal with something like that and I will probably be the first to admit we didn't handle it the best when it happened. It all worked out in the end, but it was honestly a completely different situation. It's hard not to judge for sure. Things like that alter you and cause more trauma than you realize I think. I'm glad she sees a way through it.
A sad state of affairs for sure, quite hurtful to the lady and now the guy is feeling rather like he is a dastardly rogue, and so he should. It's not going well for him either.
The natural beauty is very beautiful...
Sure is.
Years ago the wife and I were caught in the middle of a similar situation as yours. It sounds like your friend has a better handle on things than what our relative ended up having.
There have been a few course-altering lessons in my life. Luckily I do believe I learned from them. Yeah, there was one that I did not learn from that kicked me in the ass good for a long time. But isn't that how it usually goes with those types of lessons?
It's never an overly pleasant situation even for the one who went out and did the deed. There's often underlying or extenuating circumstances around it though which makes it problematic for those on the outside to get a good handle on the situation. I guess some understanding is required and support in the hope both parties can find the best collective resolution and way forward.
I agree with your last bit, often the ass-kicking situations bring the greatest lessons and benefits down the track although it's pretty hard to see it that way when in the moment, or has been for me at least.
I appreciate your valid and open response.
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