My wife's nephew came by with his wife tonight, which really speaks to how long in the tooth we are getting. But, while we plied them with ice cream, mudcake and fresh raspberries, they had another purpose for stopping by - which was to pick through what remains of Smallsteps' baby clothes, looking for "neutral" styles, of which we have plenty.
Afaik, they are not yet expecting.
But it is good to be prepared.
It is interesting for me to talk with people in their mid-twenties as they prepare to enter the next phase of their lives, as they are at the point that I would have liked to have started a family. Mid-twenties is perfect in my opinion, as it is past the childhood stage, but there is still a mass of energy and hope for the future.
I think these days, a lot of people wait much later in life, because they want to get their careers in order, or don't want to lose their youth to parenting. But, what I find is that no one is really ever ready for it, which means even when people are mid-thirties or forties, they still have the same arguments as a decade or two earlier.
I think this is even more true now, as most people seem to be putting off growing up for longer and longer. Instead, they want to hold onto their habits of youth for as long as they can. Ultimately though, all of us will likely face the fact that everything changes.
There are many reasons to not have kids of course, but I think that many of them are facades to cover fears. I am not talking about the fears of not enough money or climate change, but rather the fear of commitment, because once a baby arrives, there is no going back. And because we live in a non-committal world these days, where everything is on-demand and disposable, commitment to anything even mid-term, let alone something that is meant to be for life, over to death, and perhaps even beyond through the genetic framework itself.
I don't judge those who choose not to have children, because again, especially these days I think a lot of people are far less capable at parenting than those in the past. I think that in the past we had communities and cultures that prepared people to accept the lot of parenthood, and it gave them somehow a sense of duty, but also a sense of need for both the community and the self. Nowadays however, it is more about the needs of the self, and those needs are largely entertainment based in the sense they are for desires to be met at the individual level, rather than at the level of part of something bigger.
And this is something that I find interesting also, as while there is a litany of "social" movements out there that are preying on people's need to belong to a group and get some sense that they matter in the world, the people who often take part are those who are the most self-serving, the ones who believe that they are entitled to have all of their desires met, and not have to face the things that make them uncomfortable, upset them, or go against their personal opinions, which they believe everyone should both respect, and also hold.
What I see as one of the issues with the social movement path to self-fulfillment, is that it ignores a lot of our very biology that binds us to each other and gives us meaning. We are animals and have a need to replicate ourselves in order to survive, but there is more bound up in this process than simply creating offspring.
Because in my view at least, the thing that sets us apart from the animals who are made to just replicate, we are able to imagine into the future, to create what doesn't yet exist, to work with a wide range of people, with a wide range of skills, to solve problems and develop ways forward at scales that no individual or even small group ever could. We are able to take hundreds and thousands of years of learning from the past, and project it into the future with new ideas, new twists.
We evolve ourselves.
However, I also think that this ability to evolve ourselves has been commandeered for profit, which means that the timeline is based on the quarterly and annual reports, rather than whether what is being created is good for society or not. And, because the supply is being driven by demand, I think a lot of people aren't thinking too far ahead about the impact of their actions, or the implications it will have for the generations to come. And, at least by what I have observed, those without children are the ones more likely to take a shorter view of the future, which could be because they don't have to worry about the moral side of their actions.
And this reminds me of a quote I heard from a contemporary German philosopher, whose name I can't remember, talking about a time in the life for every German child around his age, where they learned about Nazi atrocities in school, come home and ask their parents,
"Did you know?"
I have often thought about how that scene would play out, putting myself in the position of the child, and the position of the parents. What would I say as the parent? Would I deny knowing, pretend that I was naive? And in the position of the child, what would I think when I could see my parents where lying? What would I think if they said they knew? Would I listen to their excuses and accept them? Would I ever think of them the same way again?
We have created a world of increasing complexity in so many ways, yet the charge of humanity hasn't changed. We are problem solvers through the evolution of our thoughts and the ways we can build into the future from a long-gone past. We have the ability to do increasingly amazing things, to accomplish what would have been seen as wizardry and miraculous a few generations ago.
But without children, what is the point?
But more than for the good of humanity, or good of the community, perhaps having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do. Not because of the desire to replicate oneself, but because it might be the most love an individual can ever hold in their heart. There is no place on earth, there is no game on earth, there is no product on earth, and no social movement on earth, that compares.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
The surveys I've seen suggest that way more people want to have children than actually have them... and the biggest driver for waiting is the cost of housing. So many people are stuck in small places or still living with their parents and simply cannot afford to buy a place or rent something big enough for a family.
I'm extremely confident that if countries increased the availability of affordable housing, the birthrate will increase and people will have children in their 20s as opposed to their late 30s now.
Having kids may even help you reconnect with the habits of your youth... oh, the little ones want me to play Lego with them?... Absolutely!
This is an excuse too. I have heard the same in Australia, and then come to Finland where the houses are much smaller on average. A family with two young kids in a 70m2 apartment isn't untypical here. There is an expectation that in order to have kids, there needs to be a lot of room, but is it really the case? Was that what it was like a few decades ago? I grew up sharing a room with a brother, but that is almost unheard of now it seems.
Affordable housing is another story. I don't get how in Australia the housing companies are collapsing, but there is demand for more housing. That is stupid.
Having kids is awesome to release the inner child :)
I don't think it's an excuse... if you're still living with your parents, it's harder to date, it's harder to maintain relationships and its unlikely that the family home will have space for the parents, kids and then potential grandkids too. Not impossible of course, but it's what people aim for. The square footage isn't the issue, it's the physical separation from other people (ie, a crying baby waking up parents and grandparents every night instead of just parents).
The lean towards massive McMansions is more of a economic issue than a consumer preference. Builders made more profit on that type of housing so that's what was built. New houses generally don't have a lot of backyard space, because again, it was more profitable. If apartments were more profitable we'd have so many of them I'm sure.
From what I understand is the reason housing companies are collapsing is because the last couple of Liberal Federal governments decimated the trade school education route and so now Australia doesn't have enough qualified tradies to build all the housing it needs.
For me, the part of parenting I find more difficult or maybe unpleasant is the word? is how connected they are to the realities and tragedies of life at such a young age. Sure we parents can restrict certain aspects at home but that has its limits once the child goes to school, a friend's house, or even in a seemingly safe space like a store or street fair last year my town narrowly avoided an active shooter in a crowded street fair - the shooter in question was stopped at a different location at the tragic loss of an officers life.)
And to avoid allowing him to face at least some of these things could ill prepare him for times when we are not there for him.
As with most things in life, it usually is a balance between the two schools of thought. you win some, you lose some, but generally find the way through eventually.
That's terrible! I definitely never had to worry about active shooters when I was growing up.
Me either, our schools actually train for such a case and have extra security now and we live in a relatively safe neighborhood.
When I was about thirteen, two of my friends were riding a farm motor bike they repaired and got pulled over by a policeman.
The rider had a 303 slung across his back, and the pillion had a 202 on his and a shotgun on his lap.
The policeman asked,
"Is this bike registered?"
Nah, it is a farm bike we use for hunting.
"Keep it off the main roads, boys."
Simpler times.
The US is insane and unfortunately, the insanity is spreading. Here in Finland, kids still walk to school by themselves, catch buses here and there and ride their bikes around. But, there are tight gun controls and for the most part, there aren't too many issues. However, people aren't scared of their government here either.
I do wish we had tighter gun laws here and a government that's made up of more than what we have which is little more than adults acting there in high school.
I still have hope that one day we will get back to the American that one was when that will be and how we get there... I've no idea.
I am having some PC troubles at the moment, so it is taking some effort to respond between crashes!
But yes, I think most of the world is struggling at the moment. I don't know if it is a return to the past, or finding a better way to approach the future than we are currently using.
One foot in the past and one in the future.. I remain more optimistic than pessimistic that a better life for all people is possible.
Individual choice to become a parent or not, should you have a family, I found I constantly reflected back to me at the age, how did I react, how did my parents guide me.
Relied back to my own experiences, I had great parents, for those who didn't the story would not be the same.
First and foremost is not to over protect, how will a child learn to grow if never allowed to explore the big wide world on their own to learn.
Little people will develop their own character, don't try mold them into mini-you, it's not fair to expect them to do things you never accomplished pushing them toward goals you missed.
No such thing as being a perfect parent, don't anticipate a perfect child!
!BEER Parenting Is Fun Learn Together....
And I think that this is becoming more influential now too. People are growing up with parents who are themselves spending all their time on screens - is it a good parenting example and does it inspire that feeling of wanting kids of one's own? I don't think so.
This is definitely an important thing to consider. I reckon a lot of people expect life to be pretty easy, pretty predictable - and it is obvious that children are neither of those things. :)
Early years in life of a child go so quickly, blink and you missed it.
Spending quality time in a family unit is far more beneficial than simply giving them all they ask for, never taking time at family meals to discuss dreams or failures. Going on picnics or laying under the stars watching the night sky.
Of course, having children is the deepest form of love that parents can have. Certainly, having them means great responsibility and challenges, because there is no manual for being a mum or dad.
The economic aspect could be a cause for reflection for more than one, but in Latin countries it is a macho aptitude or what is colloquially called “padrote”, the more children for the man to be ‘more of a man’, even if this means working extra to support the offspring.
Today, little by little, another path is being taken, contraception controls.
Let's see, are they looking for a little brother for little?
Is the "more of a man" still a thing today? I know in some cultures, having children is revered, but it seems to be dying out.
I don't know if they want a boy or a girl, but I don't think they care so much. If they have a girl, we have many more clothes for them at least :)
I actually know quite a number of people who want to have kids but can't. Or they tried and they can't. I almost wonder if environmental factors are making it a moot point.
Environmental factors are likely having an impact too. I also think that they affect other aspects like the way we think and communicate with each other.
That is probably true.
I can tell having my boys in my life is the most fulfilling. To me, there is nothing more rewarding than watching the little gremlins grow into good adults.
I am not at the "good adult" stage yet, so it could be that Smallsteps turns into an evil genius :D
oh, I think your probably doing just fine at the adulting thing. Haha
I didn't know asking for hand me downs is a thing in first world countries too. Personally, I think it is a good financial decision, especially the ones for less than 6 years old. The baby grows so quickly and they can easily outgrow the clothes. As for having children, in a vacuum, I think most people will say they would want to have their own. But with a lot of factors to consider, a good amount decide not to have them.
Well, we offered. It is quite normal to pass things along to friends and family here. Also, there is a massive flea market culture in Finland. And like you said about they grow fast, for babies, they don't really move so the baby clothes are generally in very good condition second-hand. We bought a lot of flea market stuff too. Buying some stuff new is also good though, because it is good to have "memory" items.
That makes a lot of sense.
An average man will tell you that he wants to have everything before he gets married. When you ask him what he means, he will say he need money, car and so on.
Yes, those things are there to make us comfortable and we need them but not to the point of making it a yardstick in which you use for whether having kids or not
I mean, some people want to extremely wealthy before they get married
It may not work that way at times
Here, the earning world is pretty equal and women want to have financial independence.
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BEER.A lot of people no longer wait for themselves to be emotionally ready to have a child. Some people can’t even look after themselves but they want a child just because there is the money
Now, so many people have tied getting married and having a child to having a lot of money
If they don’t have money, they won’t get married