When I first came to Finland, I saw something that I had never seen before, and I was reminded of this in the AirBnB we are staying in. Over the years I have brought this up with many Finnish people, yet they don't share my observations, and think I am a bit crazy. The common thing many Finns do is,
Couples sleep with separate blankets.
Maybe I am crazy.
But, my theory is that couples who sleep with separate blankets are far more likely to break up, and from the people I know who have divorced, I have a perfect strike rate. Of course, this could be chance or just the odds of so many couples doing it, but my theory is solid.
Firstly though, the arguments I hear in support of separate blankets is generally for comfort. It means that two people who (like my wife and I) have different "body temperatures", can sleep with blankets that cater to their needs, giving them both a better night's sleep. That is great, I get it. Another argument is similar, where one is restless or "steals" the blankets in their sleep, leaving their partner disrupted and cold, which again, ruins sleep.
These make perfect sense for a good night's sleep.
However, my argument is not about sleep quality, it is about the quality of the relationship itself. Yes, a good night's sleep likely adds value to a quality relationship, but what I have "identified" observationally, is that those who sleep with separate blankets, tend not to compromise as much for each other. They tend to value their own comfort over that of their partner, and it isn't just in the bedroom. They seem to live quite separate lives in some way, where they aren't willing to be uncomfortable for the other, whether under the covers (I don't have evidence for this), or in interest areas and hobbies. They tend not to listen to each other quite as much and talk past each other more, often avoiding conflicts.
Like a fight over midnight stolen covers.
It sounds quite silly, doesn't it? Yet, in the years since I have brought it up with friends, and after several broken relationships, some of them made the shift to the dark side - the one blanket relationship. And, what they have found is that they don't sleep badly most of the time, but they have made some kind of mental shift to be more considerate in their relationship. This isn't just the blanket itself, but more what the blanket represents, and once it is in their awareness, they are more likely to think about their actions and how it affects the other person too.
And of course, it doesn't hurt too much to have a little skin contact also.
However, I think that we are increasingly living in a self-absorbed world, where "self-care" of the individual doesn't include the social needs of the individual. As a result, while people maximize their own "comfort" levels, they cost themselves relationship strength. It isn't just for romantic relationships either, as people are also willing to get uncomfortable with friends, family, strangers too.
We order takeout, home delivery, put in earbuds, bury our face in a screen, sit in front of a streaming service, and do anything we can to reduce our chances of having to interact with people directly. It is more comfortable, as we aren't annoyed by the stupidity of others who don't know how to interact with people, and have no situational awareness, by degrading our own skills similarly.
We isolate ourselves.
And sure, it is just a blanket, or two blankets as the case may be. But, I do think it represents something and it is just a step away from separate bedrooms altogether, which is a growing trend among young couples, which is no surprise. Younger generations seem less willing to be momentarily uncomfortable, especially when they can choose an option where they are not. It is likely because of this that so many avoid long-term relationships and family altogether, because it cramps their lifestyle - something that they aren't willing to compromise upon.
But, where does an uncompromising life lead?
At least in my opinion, long-term, it likely goes down a path that ends with being relatively alone, and if not careful, lonely. Just like sitting in front of a screen together isn't really a quality shared experience, the more we favor ourselves over our relationships, the less of ourselves we share, the less people know of us, and the more irrelevant we become.
I think if you look at the way we keep disconnecting from each other, we also keep looking for more meaning in our lives, without seeing the correlation. No one to interrupt us, no one to cater for, no one to wake us up in the middle of the night. However, also no one to care if we live or die, except in regards to paying a share of the living expenses.
Everything comes with a compromise - a cost.
Even a good night's sleep.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
As a very delicate sleeper, I was very snarly reading this, I admit. I haven't had this particular problem in a couple, but do see myself getting separate blankets, rather than compromise my sleep. Don't know how common that is here in Romania, though. Obviously, to an extent, it'd be better for the relationship if I slept well and did not begrudge my partner various midnight offenses.
But you make some awfully valid points, man. Could something so trivial as wanting two blankets be indicative of a larger societal illness?
Could very well be. Again, quite a troubled sleeper, but only in relationships that, looking back, I see were not going well. Everything they did bugged me, but it really was a sign about the overall compatibility, not trivial at all. With other relationships, where compatibility was strong, I didn't give a .. if the person snored, was a hot sleeper, liked the covers up to the chin or slept with their socks on. All trivial...or not, depending on the relationship :)
Really liked this.
Did you grow up in a quiet house or have a "shhh, the baby is sleeping" upbringing? I find that it affects people in the future. A lot of Finnish homes are very quiet, plus people don't want to wake the baby. Foreign parents tend to introduce more noise. Smallsteps sleeps like a log once asleep.
Exactly. We can compromise our comfort a lot, or be comfortable in less than ideal situations, when we are with people we really care about.
Not a particularly quiet house, but it being just me and my mom, I suppose the house was pretty quiet when I was small (and asleep). My extended family, on the other hand, was huge, and my cousins can sleep anywhere as a result (you can literally be learning an instrument next to them), so I'm sure you're right.
Separate blankets? No! It's a sin and that's from the big man upstairs himself!! :OD
I feel it is like people who tuck their shirt into their underpants - they should be sent away to an island.
Or men wearing socks and sandles
I guess I am the exception more than the rule. My wife and I sleep with separate blankets and we seem to be quite well. Just celebrated 15 years of marriage last year and I don't see that being the top end. I get what you are saying though. We both have winter blankets and summer blankets. My wife uses her winter blanket much longer than I use mine.
I give you a month or two more... ;D
As said, I don't think it is the blanket itself, but what it represents. For a lot of people here, a relationship is only in the home, meaning there isn't a lot of togetherness outside, with lots of activities separate. So, then if they are separate in the home also, where is the relationship lived?
Yeah, like I said, I get what you are saying. My wife and I sort of work together, so that helps (I think), we also spend a lot of time together in the summers camping. I don't think we would be able to do that as much if we didn't share a closeness.
Never heard of anything like this, only one blanket per bed here, but sometimes in the summer, we sleep with no blanket. Different habits for different climates, I believe.
No blanket is good - or just a sheet, though my wife is always freezing. She might have a heart of ice.
Mine is the same, saying she got a chill inside, even in the middle of the summer. I must light my inner fire, I am fine most of the time, if the temp is above zero degrees Celsius.
Today it can be seen that some couples sleep separately :)
It is sad!
No midnight shenanigan's. Not that I get any of that anyway.
You’re not being crazy. It’s weird for couples to use different blankets. Or let me not say it is weird but I don’t think it is cool. Some couples even sleep in different rooms. It’s crazy cos they won’t even be close
The intimacy needed in marriage won’t be there…
I don't understand the separate rooms, unless having a fight. But then, it means that making up takes longer too.
Saludos tarazkp, siempre he pensado que lo más rico que hay es dormir placentera mente y si para eso cada quien debe tener su propia manta entonces no importa, siempre hay momento para conectarse.
Mr. Taraz in my almost 47 years of marriage we have never slept with separate blankets, in fact the only contact of our skins, our smell and heart rhythm at the time of rest, when we have been sick, recently pariah of my children and even we have been upset with each other, we have not separated our blankets.
It is to feel alive and loved under our blanket until God disposes.
When we have traveled for separate work reasons it is difficult for us to fall asleep because we miss that one with you, from you to you under the blanket. 🫂😸
I find it quite strange unless your heating is on the blink and will rather have my own duvet and blankets. That is extreme though and a once off as you may as well have separate bedrooms or single beds. I agree the relationship would be far different from what we would know in the rest of the world as this would not be considered normal behavior. You may as well have a sleeping bag each.
We always sleep under different blankets. But in the morning you can cover yourself with one blanket, hug and chat.
I hate it when my husband turns to sleep on his side, then I suddenly have a wind tunnel next to me. I end up pulling the duvet and wrap it around my shoulders. It's all part of the fun and I would never swap that for separate blankets. Who's gonna warm my cold feet? 🙃
Yes, maybe you're a little crazy dear @tarazkp 🤪, but isn't it a very effective formula to lead our lives better?
Does the point in question require scientifically verifiable evidence?
Most likely. However, your particular study may hit the mark overwhelmingly.
When we allow ourselves to ruin, thanks to a parting of the sheets, our most intimate couple moments. Then curious things may start to happen. We could transfer that separation to our daily life and they would become "normal".
Life is so short that we should be with our partner as long as possible. Cuddling and sharing our good and bad moments of the day. But there, in bed, something magical happens, everything disappears, under a single sheet, when we allow ourselves to gently brush our feet and feel each other's skin. One more day of life together. We are truly alive and it's all worth it.
I think this might be a great example of correlation versus causation, and trying to assign meaning to things. I'm sure you've heard plenty of stories of couple's breaking up, and you find out that they had separate blankets and you distinctly remember the cases it was true and convenient forget the cases that it wasn't.
I would say that stress causes far more breakups... and a lack of quality of sleep either increases stress or makes it harder to deal with stress. So until we see data on this, I would actually guess that people who allow themselves to be uncomfortable for their partner are more likely to break up.
I think the act of just sharing the same bed and blankets conditions the psychs of the couple to tend toward loving and caring for each other more. It's just a psychological effect, but it is very effective. And it goes beyond just sharing blankets. The more the couple do things together, the stronger the bond between them will grow. Thanks for sharing.
You may be onto something, and there may also be some confirmation bias in your sample size XD
This bit made me giggle because so very true but for people who are always doing the right thing (because they're doing it therefore it has to be right, being wrong is something to be avoided at any and all cost with the most idiotic mental gymnastics) "it just makes sense" I guess.
In the past I was getting no comments. Now I am getting more comments but upvoting them greatly lowers my voting mana. I suppose I can't complain. After all this was what I wanted.
I see your arguments but maybe, sleeping in separate blankets is the symptom of an already deteriorated relationship and not the opposite, meaning the banquets are not the cause, they are already the consequence.
The other day I saw an interview with one of the most prestigious "sleeping therapy" doctors in the country and he mentioned we should sleep in separate beds, maybe not at the start of our relationship but as we age, his theory was we should. I told my dad who is 85 and still sleeps with my mum who's 85 and he said....Yes, and why doesn't he tell you to go spend the night with another partner? maybe some would also get better sleep :)
This is an interesting observation. I am curious on how many couples you know, and what is the ratio of them sleeping with 2 blankets. If 15/20 couples you know use 2 blankets, and 4 of them have divorced, then your theory has a high chance of coming true.
But I can see your point though. Being slightly inconvenienced is something expected in a relationship. It would support your theory more if they were initially using 1 blanket early on in their relationship, and then switched to two, leading up to the divorce.
Both the points are right in their own way. But I think sharing your blanket is quite sign of love you spend your life together than why not night in the one blanket?
I agree with your theory. For a relationship or marriage to work, there must be compromise. The question is about what each of both couples are ready to compromise. I don't see any reason why couples should be using different blankets. In Nigeria today, I can say that many couples are growing apart because they are not ready to adjust on their individual preferences in order to meet at the middle. It may not be a sweeping statement. Some couples may have genuine reason for doing that.
“annoyed by the stupidity of others” pretty much sums up my introvert personality. I often joke that I am allergic to stupidity.
At first I didn’t really know where you were going with this. It seemed very trivial. But I love how you spun it to represent the preference of comfort over companionship. It makes sense to a certain degree. Thinking back, my husband and I sleep with one blanket and in the middle of the night, I tend to hog it but I wake up, see him cold, and put the blanket over him. There is that awareness of someone outside of yourself. I feel relationships thrive better when that exists. When you don’t see your partner as an other, but as an extension of yourself.
Deep reflections here, thanks!
I would never have a relationship with a two-blanket person, let alone a two-bedroom person. Wiggling our toes together, or even lying butt to butt is nice. I don't hate having a second bedroom because that is better than sleeping on the couch when I do something dumb, but I don't think I would ever want to sleep apart if I didn't have to. Sharing the closeness, those electromagnetic signals with your partner, I would agree is essential for a successful relationship that prioritizes each other.