“Why do people do this?”
“Because people think they know you until they try you, and then they find out that they really don't, but they're gonna.”
“Ain't it the truth, Velma.”
This was the commentary of nine-year-old Milton, eleven-year-old Velma, and eight-year-old Gracie Trent about a situation setting up next door at the Ludlow house before their father, Sgt. Vincent Trent, came out and ordered them inside.
Sgt. Trent had caught the look of his former commander, Col. H.F. Lee, who was with his wife Maggie looking after the grandchildren of Capt. R.E. Ludlow for another six weeks and some change. That look said, “Get your little ones into the house, Sergeant,” just as his look at his wife caused her to get the seven Ludlow little ones out of the front yard into the house.
One of Col. Lee's former army colleagues had come up demanding a report about what had happened with the information he and others had submitted in hopes of getting their families back. He was not at all impressed by the colonel's update about leaving said info in a dropbox at a waypoint, and absolutely lost it.
“That's a whole retired lieutenant, losing it with a whole retired colonel,” eleven-year-old Eleanor Ludlow said as she handed a book to her ten-year-old brother Andrew. “You just know that if anyone would talk to Cousin Harry like that, it's still not safe for his wife and children to be at home with him.”
“Ellie,” Andrew said, “it's not safe for the lieutenant, more than anything else – he has lost his mind if he served with Col. Lee and thinks that's doable. How do you survive cussing out the Angel of Death?”
“You know, I forgot about that part, Andy – yikes, I see why we have to go to our rooms.”
“I kinda want to peek through the window to see what happens,” nine-year-old George Ludlow said, “but then again, it's not like the computer games where you just get destroyed and get to start over, so, no.”
“Oh, forget all that!” eight-year-old Edwina said. “That man coming up here disturbing our afternoon – I'm here for everything he deserves – I'm here for all the smoke!”
“No, you're not,” Mrs. Maggie Lee said as she handed Edwina and her seven-year-old sister Amanda a coloring book. “Y'all get on into your rooms and be quiet.”
“I don't feel safe right now!” Amanda whined.
“Oh, look,” six-year-old Grayson said as he packed his Legos into his wagon to take them into his room, “it's Cousin Harry. It'll all be over soon.”
“And if it's not, Mandie, don't worry,” five-year-old Lil' Robert said, “because, see, I've got the Robert Edward Ludlowness to back Cousin Harry up, see, because we're not gonna let you be bothered for too long.”
“You get in there with Grayson and build us some Lego forts for all that – we may need them if both you and Cousin Harry have to get into it,” Mrs. Lee said.
“Right – we gotta put some more red Legos on this cart real quick, see, because, to build strong forts, you need red ones,” Lil' Robert said.
Meanwhile, the lieutenant went on and had his full breakdown, and the colonel just stood and took it calmly.
“I don't see how Col. Lee is not blushing just hearing all that,” almost-18-year-old Vanna Trent said from peeking through her window.
“Dad says that if you have put in a decade or more in the Army, you've heard every obscenity and profanity in a couple of different languages – Col. Lee put in more than two decades, so he's used to it,” 21-year-old Melvin Trent said. “Dad also said they say about this Col. Lee what they said about another one who became a general 160 or so years ago: 'You wish Lee would cuss you out, because it would hurt less if you could bring him down to your level.' ”
Sure enough, when the lieutenant was finally winded...
“Now, you've said all that, Lieutenant. What exactly are you able to do?”
“Oop,” Vanna said.
“H.F. Lee knows how to kick a man where it hurts – squarely in the tender bits of his ego,” Melvin said.
“And if there is anything you can do, why are you over here cussing at me like I will not hog tie you and wash your mouth out with soap for saying all this in front of all these little ones I have charge of?”
“Oooooooooo,” Melvin said.
The lieutenant really lost it and drew back his arm to swing.
“I can't look!” Vanna said and covered her eyes.
A swing and a miss – a grab, a twist around, a tying of a man up in his own sleeves, and –
“Maggie, bring me my shaving soap real quick – yes, dear, the one my family makes in the mountains so it's organic and non-toxic.”
Melvin had to go into his soundproof studio room he was laughing so hard.
“Dad, he told the man what he was going to do to him … and the man just walked right into it!” Vanna said to her father as Mrs. Trent joined Melvin in the soundproof room.
“Never, ever, ever, in your life think Henry Fitzhugh Lee is bluffing – he always does exactly what he tells you he is going to do,” Sgt. Trent said. “Never, ever, ever in your whole natural-born life think you can out-crazy him, either. I served with Col. Lee. He's the best commander I ever had in terms of working with Special Forces … but he's a true historical-type Lee, and that means that if you want to go there, he's already set up waiting for you like Cold Harbor.”
“Yes, Veteran's Lodge mental health support? This is Col. H.F. Lee and I'm reporting a mental health emergency … yes, the victim is foaming at the mouth and kicking up the dirt … I've secured him for his own safety … can you send a team, please? Yes, I'll stay on the line.”
“Oh, my,” Vanna said.
“Never, ever,” Sgt. Trent said. “Never. Ever. The only thing dumber in the world is coming up threatening violence on my house, with my kids in it. I'm not crazy, I'm focused. I'm sending folks to jail on a good day, Hell on a bad one – but you already know that about me, Vanna.”
“Well, I guess he won't be using bad words at anyone's house anymore!” Amanda said as the outdone lieutenant was put up on the gurney and taken away.
“Yeah, but I see why you and Gracie are always talking me out of breaking bad because that man broke bad and got broken, real bad,” Edwina said. “I saw this documentary once in which these guys weren't good at duck hunting and thought they had an abnormal duck that was too big to fly. Turns out that was a big goose who just tore them up. I mean they got beat up and the goose flew off when he was done – but see, I love Cousin Harry because he does not play about defending this house and I need an eight-year-old version of him so I can get married and be set for life!”
“I don't know,” said Amanda, “because I'm confused. Even if the soap was organic and made by our other Lee cousins, if it tastes that good, why is Cousin Harry shaving with it and not having it in the kitchen so we can all enjoy it, and if it doesn't taste that good, why feed someone with it?”
“Well, you know, when you go to the hospital, they gotta clean you up anyway, and the dirtiest thing about that man is that mouth,” Edwina said. “And then, the way Cousin Maggie cooks, she's probably including it in our meals anyway so we don't miss out.”
“Right, because she would never let us miss out on something good,” Amanda said with a contented smile. “I feel safer now … just need to let things get a little more quiet, and then we can go talk all this over with Gracie next door.”
Well, that is one family who needs to stay where they are at.
!ALIVE
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