I wish I were a superhero, particularly with the power to induce and take away emotions. I wish I were a superhero, so that I’d have the power to take away hurt.
Let me speak a bit on how I’ve been the last few weeks. I’ve had my exams hanging on my neck for months now as it’s been postponed time and time again. Who would believe that I’ve been in school since October, and still have not written my first semester exams? Unbelievable.
But who am I kidding? I think God loves me, cause He knows that I am not ready. And this is His way – by way of this final postponement – of giving me a final chance to be properly prepared for this exams which will begin a new chapter for me, whether I’m prepared for this chapter or not.
A lot has been happening and the stakes are high. I’ve hardly had the will power to do anything more than study, study and after studying, study again. Whether it’s to post or engage, or do the least thing as reply to my own comments, I’ve lacked the willpower.
It’s like a part of me feels drained just being here, and I don’t know how to help it. It’s funny because, at the moment, ninety-eight percent of my sustenance comes from being here, and I know that not posting means I’m limiting my chances of financial sustenance because I’m not earning. Yet, even that has not been enough to muster my willpower to be here.
I have been occupied with that and also with some other programmes I hope may provide benefits for me in the future. There’s this yearning and sometimes this frustration I feel, but I’ve not been able to fully process it, so I can’t identify what it is, let alone how to help myself. But, it’s been good trying to make the most of each day.
the plot.I say it a lot that my life feels like a movie sometimes. There’s always a lot of excitement, @deraaa loves listening to me talk about them because she has her chance to live vicariously through me. I do enjoy telling her about things, but a few times I wonder if I’m not getting too invested in
One thing about me, I will take full responsibility for whatever benefits or consequences my actions bring. It’s my way of enjoying the moment. Knowing that I signed up for this, so I’m set to live it to the fullest. Yeah, movie-like life where I set the tone, the characters, the plot sequence myself and enjoy being both the director and the audience. At least in some aspects of my life.
Moving on, because I know I am rambling, and this may just be a side effect of being away from here too long (jumbled thoughts). Something happened this evening, and this is what brought about my title and first paragraph. I was returning to my hostel from where I’d spent most of my day and I got into a vehicle that was en route for school. Soon enough, another lady joined in. She had a little girl of about two with her and seemed to be pregnant again. I greeted her and when she barely mumbled a response, I turned my attention away from her.
A little while later, and she burst into tears. She cried deep tears that I knew came from a place of deep-rooted pain. I looked at her and noticed that her eyes were swollen, so she’d obviously been crying before now. She mumbled to the Taxi driver when asked and we got to know that her sister died earlier that morning. The lady kept mumbling “Just like that,” at intervals. Sometimes, she’d start laughing to herself. I’ve felt so shocked and dejected once that I started laughing, so it felt all too familiar to me. I thought she would go crazy right there. Her little daughter kept reaching up to wipe her tears.
Loss.
What emotion can be compared to it? Loss is something that envelopes your being like no other. And watching that lady clutch her chest like she was being actively stabbed and weep like that while I rubbed the goosebumps that had materialized on my arms and fight not to cry myself, I thought. “Isn’t there a way to take away this lady’s pain? Isn’t there a way to permanently wipe these tears from her eyes and stop her from feeling that bitter emotion that is loss? Isn’t there a way?
Anyway, I got back to the hostel and I’ve been trying to relax despite how mentally and emotionally fatigued today has been, yet the question still chants like a mantra in my head. Could I be a superhero one day so I can take away people’s hurt and pain? Make sure that no one feels that burning stream that is loss. How lovely would that be for all of us?
I guess I’ll stop here. There’s only so much one can say, right?
Jhymi🖤
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Wooow. This is so touching. It felt like I was literally there with you in the bus. People pass through a lot of pain indeed and sometimes we are so helpless to help. It may sound absurd but sometimes some of these helpless situations makes us stronger.
Meanwhile, I can relate a little with what you described happening to you lately. This morning I woke up not even knowing where or how to start. Am new to all of this and trying to makes ends meet since am fending for myself can be a lot too. I get tired of even trying sometimes but I tell myself I have to do this even when I can’t find the motivation. Sometimes also writing about how you feel helps even though it doesn’t take away your challenge but having somewhere to pour out your innermost thoughts can be a good therapy. I do hope you find the rest to pass through this season and come out victorious. Much love from me🤗
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Thank you @friendlymoose for the support 🙏
This is beyond beautiful to read. I'm glad you find the courage every day to push forward, and even on days that you don't, it still shows strength of character. I like to talk about everything in here, but sometimes, the words just fail you to put forward, you know. But I will come out of this, and that too in style. Soon enough, lines will fall onto pleasant places for you as well. Thank you for this uplifting comment, @babygirl888. Lovely connecting with you.💗
Amen and amen and amen. Am glad to hear that. Yes you will and you will be better and stronger. The Holy Spirit is there to help you through it all. You can lean on him always. And I will also be here to read and talk with you always 🤗
Do you know what? Everything you wrote here, it’s like we’ve been feeling the exact same thing even when we’ve hardly talked since the whole study started. Drained, mentally exhausted and even depressed. It’s just something how you’re feeling the same thing I’ve been feeling the past weeks and I haven’t even told you about it. Gosh! But I understand perfectly. And I wish I had the superpower to just disassociate. You know. Have the second person who has strength enough to face the world while I sleep. But we don’t always get what we want… I’m honestly mentally exhausted and most times I just want to sleep and be away from the whole world and everyone and everything.
Sorry about the postponement love. God knows best and I know you’ll do great.
The second I'm done sending in this comment, I'll continue binging on Suits. It's the long overdue series I just started seeing. We just have to craft out our own happiness however and from wherever we can. Soon enough, love. It will all make sense soon enough.🖤
P.S: Hey, and look! You could actually reply to my post. Celebrate grace!😂
mine is to be invincible so I'll have the power to get what ever i want 😁
Good for you, dear.😄
😊😊
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