But what exactly I am doing so that my future will be better!!
You are going to therapy, you are working towards that life, you are doing an amazing job, even if you don't see it yet because you are still in so much pain.
Sometimes I think I am making everything up, everything is inside my head and I am lazy, not depressed.
I'm super familiar with this feeling. From my own experiences with therapy and working on healing I learned that this was a result of not ever getting validation for feelings as a kid (and adult), being told/made to stuff my feelings, having my pain and suffering downplayed and dismissed. My brain was shaped to believe all of this from the very beginning, and it's been hard to learn that I actually deserve to acknowledge my pain AND my needs. Also, stress can make shit feel a million times worse, which can also make me feel like I'm making it up. But just because it's from stress and psychological issues doesn't mean it's not 100% real, because it absolutely is.
Sending all the love!!!
You are right, yes from my childhood, I was always told that there is nothing called stress, it's all about laziness and you don't wanna achieve it. For example, I was weak in Math but my father used to force me to get 100% marks in Math. They never appreciated my results or achievements instead they always showed me I was not enough, I always faced comparisons saying look at other kids and look at you. I always felt ashamed of myself. Even when I was in a toxic relationship, the same thing happened, mental and physical abuse and comparison. If I look at the pattern of my life, it was always the same but I was able to keep them inside and consume everything happily...
Still, now, I am consuming but this time nobody is forcing me, I am doing everything by myself. My brain always shows me the unrealistic picture and forces me to believe in it...
Thank you so much for always being with me during this hard time. Love and Huggs...
Parents put so much pressure on their children to do well academically but I was also rubbish at math. When I left school, I realised that as long as I could add up etc the other shite they were trying to teach me didn't matter. I hope parents are different these days.
You've done remarkably well in your life despite what you have been through.
My parents always gave me a feeling of being in a race, a competition, and the pressure was like a pressure cooker. I dealt with that but somehow it stays. Today I had EMDR again and I must say once again it's more tough than I have imagined. It drains all of my energy... I was so drained that I lost my bus card and I realized when I had to pay for the bus. Anyway, I came home for free though I lost some money which was in the card 😁.
I think future parents ought to have an exam to see if they are cut out to be parents! I wouldn't let some of them look after a stick insect. Kids ought to be nurtured and allowed to do what they want, career wise. Not everyone wants to be a high achiever.
Oh dear about the bus card. I've been reading up about the treatment. It sounds interesting for want of a better word. Next time you go, check that you have everything because you will be knackered when you get out. ❤️
Exactly and I believe raising a kid is very hard in the current world. I guess you are already aware of this generation, digital world. Kids are more into video games rather than playing outside...
I will definitely gonna do that and I am glad I didn't lose my wallet. If I did that, I would be doomed...
I'm glad I was bought up in the age when we just had a yoyo to play with lol.
No, don't lose your wallet!
I know that especially in eastern cultures there is a lot of pressure on the kids to learn and master subjects in school as though they were adults. If I understand it correctly, it's about making the child make the parents look good. That happens here, too, but I think not as extreme. We have different ways of fucking our kids up. My mom would put a lot of pressure on me, but she would help me learn, which I appreciated. Until she got bored, and then was disappointed with me when I tried to teach myself, which happened when I was in home school. I blamed myself for being dumb and lazy for that, when really it was like going to a class with no teacher.
I saw in your reply to ellenripley that you did more emdr and it's really draining. That makes sense going by what you told me before about not feeling anything. The eye movement therapies force you to feel in order to process the trauma and rewrite it. It's a lot, especially if you've been numb for a long time. But in my experience it does get easier. And better. Now whenever I do the ART sessions with my therapist my brain starts jumping ahead to the next steps even before she prompts me because it's been rewired to find a way to heal rather than simply cope and survive. I hope you start seeing those changes soon. I think you will. You're working so hard!! Even if you can't see it. Going to therapy is work.
I love being your cheerleader!!
Yes, that's the point I dislike most. Eastern culture is all about social image and being proud in family gatherings. I personally believe parenting is really hard and every kid is unique and has to be raised that way. Too much pressure is sometimes not good and the most important fact that kills me is when parents are abusive. They put their frustration on kids in an abusive way, I witnessed that, unfortunately.
Yes, and I don't even find any energy to talk. Yesterday I came back home and lay on the bed for the entire time, I couldn't move, I couldn't even feel to talk to anyone and my therapist told me it was normal. It happens. I am still in pain and full of sadness. I don't scream and realize my pain. Instead, I am consuming which is suffocating. Like you said, I hope I will see the results and will feel good and process...
Have a good weekend dear...
💕