Whenever I think I am getting better and recovering from the past, something uncertain always drags me down. It is that kind of moment when I start solving myself and all of a sudden all of my efforts decide to drown in water. Well, in my previous post, I wrote about my nightmares and how my unconscious mind reacts to obsessive thoughts. After having a one-hour session with my psychologist last week, she decided to talk to my psychiatrist as well. Basically, when I described my nightmares in detail with her, she instantly decided to talk to my psychiatrist. I have been better but I didn't know I have been developing some unusual behavior as well which I have never felt before.
I had schizophrenia 15 years ago and I got treatment as well. But whatever happened in the past year and recent years, it was not connected with schizophrenia or hallucination. My doctors also assured me that that madness is not gonna come back but they kept my previous treatment records just in case. Because no matter how motivated I feel now, my darkness is still inside me and sometimes they come out in the form of unusual activities. For example, lately, I have been obsessed with cleanliness. It's like OCD but not OCD. I can't stop myself from cleaning and scrubbing things until I get tired. What is more concerning is I don't do these daily chores like normal people in the daytime, I do this at midnight after I wake up having obsessive and destructive nightmares. I now start imagining characters (family members and people around me) in dreams in a deformed and aggressive form. As a result, my body feels heavy, I cannot breathe properly and I choke in dreams. I become vulnerable sometimes as well as aggressive in dreams and start reacting using my body. I feel like I am going to die and as a result of the signal of my brain; my body reacts aggressively.
So after the consultation, my psychiatrists told me that I have developed "Cognitive dissonance" and I didn't know what it was. Because in the morning, I am a completely different person and I do things like a normal person. This is a psychological disorder caused by trauma and stress. This is a discomfort triggered by my beliefs, daily activities, and my perception. I am gonna add some words about this term.
According to this theory, when two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent. The discomfort is triggered by the person's belief clashing with new information perceived, wherein the individual tries to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce their discomfort. source.
This discomfort only arrives at night at a very specific time and that is when I completely turn into a different person. I don't hallucinate but the scariest part is whatever I experience in my nightmares, I clearly remember and can recall through the entire day. So, no matter if I act like a normal person, or smile like a normal person, I am not fully a normal human being. I know these all of things are so bizarre and hard to believe but this discomfort can cause death in sleep. I am also on high medications and because of side effects, heart attack or death can happen during my sleep as my body reacts to the nightmares. So, treatment is necessary and from the next another specialist will be introduced to me who will be helping me go through this process. Well, my psychiatrist also gave me the idea of the treatment which I already forgot. And of course, she knows I am gonna forget eventually but for the record, she had to explain the treatment details to me. I wish I could write and explain how much I am suffering due to these bizarre discomforts.
Another example I wanna write here is what happened yesterday night. My nightmares are constant and every night they arrive. Today morning I found out I cut my hair and I don't know when exactly I did that. I cannot remember and the entire day I have been trying to figure out when I cut my hair. I am not a sleepwalker but as I said, because of imaginary characters and circumstances, I do bizarre things that have no meaning. Another fact is because of the fear of having nightmares, I am scared to fall asleep.
Well, of course as a result of this bizarre discomfort, my medicine dose increased. If I discuss these discomforts with anyone, they will think I am completely crazy. I am suffering; struggling from the inside. My strong personality doesn't want to show my weaknesses but I know how much weak and vulnerable I am now. 2 months ago I wanted to kill myself and now I am scared of death. It's weird. Even I cannot believe in my own thoughts and I cannot believe that this kind of psychological issue exists.
It's hard to believe that a brain can imagine a whole new imaginary world, characters, and beliefs.
Well, now I have to fix my hair.... :/ Again have to spend money on some things that are not essential... But it is what it is...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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Do not lose heart, and you will see later in time, that these days are like a distant memory.
There are relapses in recovery, that is normal in almost all therapy. Do not for that reason lose hope that you are moving forward.
I often scare about my visions and their intensity, they seem quite real and very overwhelming. But the good part it, these visions do not hamper my daytime routine which is good...
You're not crazy, you're ill.
This post is so detailed provides an incredible insight into what kind of devastating symptoms this form of illness can manifest. I'm sure that by talking about this, you are helping and educating many of us. Thank you.
Keep sharing your fight and we're all out here supporting you in your fight which you are so obviously winning.
Be patient and keep going. Your medical team are amazing and will 100% get you well.
Best wishes and take care always :-)
Thank you for these words Nathen, it means a lot. I was never familiar with this term, I didn't even know they exists. Each and every human brain works differently and very unique from one another. I hope there will be a cure for my illness...
You know my psychologist told me once that I have the capability to portrait and explain my thoughts in a good manner, not everyone can do that. But yes, I hope in the future, I don't face any side effects...
Being able to describe and understand your feelings and emotions is of massive importance. We see children every day at our clinic with issues like ADHD and autism so I absolute concur with your team that it's a massive help when you have this ability. When the kids can tell us how they feel, it helps us so much to give them the best therapy we can.
Have a great week Priyan and keep fighting :-)
For heaven's sake, the problem leaves me surprised and worried. I didn't know about being able to die in your sleep from a nightmare, but I suppose it's quite possible.
I was also surprised when you cut your hair, and you don't remember when you did it, that scares a little more.
I wish that the treatment helps you to improve, and better if you do it quickly, because your situation is worrying.
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It's a feeling but like I said it is possible because of medications. Nightmares can cause heavy pressure on the body, and brain, and my brain becomes very active at that specific time when my body goes to complete rest moment. So, the response between the body and brain becomes different and that causes pressure on the heart as well because I cannot breathe properly.
This is something that concerned me a lot and also my psychologist didn't say anything about this. Probably next week I will get an answer...
Well, hopefully you'll have an answer next week and things will clear up a bit.
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Thank you for sharing everything you are going through. It must have taken a lot of guts to write this. Your medical team seems to have acted quickly on what has happened to you recently. I know you are having such a difficult time at the moment, but hang in there! ❤️
Yes and like I said before, I think a lot before writing something. It's like I am opening a dark side of my world in front of the whole world but I felt that writing this not only will help me release the burden but also, in the future, it will inspire me... For now, I am not quite sure if it is a good idea to write about these things or not...
Thanks, dear for always staying with me...
That's ok. If you feel it's doing you good then carry on. If not, take a rest for a bit. No pressure either way. I suspect it might help other people as well. You take care of yourself. 💕
Oh, dear, the road to your recovery is like this, with ups and downs. You are not alone and you do well to inform your therapists of everything you remember about your nightmares. It must be horrible that it arrives every night, it is normal that you are afraid to sleep, we would all have it!
Don't fall, keep trusting yourself, you will be able to feel completely again.
Ps- The hair grows again and you may discover a new look that suits you better.
A big hug. ❤️
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Developing different behaviors is something new to me and my imagination level is now capable of portraying a situation in the form of nightmares which is quite insane. Obviously not everybody will understand such issues. These imaginary situations seem so real. Anyway, I hope these struggles will stop one day somehow...
Could it help you write all that your imagination is creating? Maybe you can identify some point that is repeated, or what you feel before your mind disconnects and serves to detect it in time. If you do it by hand, much better.
Of course, not to publish it but to serve you as a future reference or to better communicate your thoughts to your therapists.
This will happen, you recovered years ago and you will do it again. He keeps trusting. Big !HUG ♥️
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Crass and sad to hear what you have to go through. I wish you only the best.
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Thank you, I really hope these dark days will be over soon. I cannot tolerate this whole process any more, it's sufferings...
I believe you! Hang in there.
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Thank you @thekittygirl and @innerblocks for the support...
Oh . I'm familiar to these due to my brother and few friends... hiking up mountains n spending some nights camping in nature far from thingssss (human arrangements n noises) drinking water from natural springs... staring at the starry sky for hours... All I can seriously recommend .
I thought about this and I have a plan to do something like this. My body is weak and not prepared for the adventure but genuinely, I wanna do something different to find peace...
Oh so sorry to hear all of these. I hope you're feeling a lot better now than when you were writing this. ❤
I wish you speedy recovery, my friend. Have a walk with Gigi in nature so you'll forget your worries, I hope.
I must say, you still write pretty well. You can stir emotions. Take it easy. I wish you only the best. 🌹🌹🌹
Thanks dear... I have been better...