Seeing my profile inactive for a very long time reminded me that I should write an update about myself before writing something else. I have been on and off lately; mostly took time for myself and stayed away from the blockchain and social media. I had plans but in the end, it didn't work out how I planned. A lot had happened and I was living in disappointment. I was mostly living with feelings of remorse, despise, and guilt. A lot of posts are in drafts and I had no energy to finish them so they are unfinished mixed with raw emotions. I felt like I was floating on a sea of emotions and it felt like a never-ending process. So, from where do I start? I don't know yet, let's see where this post finish...
What have I been up to? Was there something productive that kept me busy? Was there anything significant that happened or I was doing? I don't know. To be honest, at one point I felt like I should stay silent, stay away from everything completely. I had no inspiration to write something. I wasn't even traveling. It started just before Christmas but the volume of pressure and pain started just before the new year. I had a complete mental breakdown again where I could barely hold myself together. My chronic depression and other problems somehow started haunting me once again and opened a new dark chapter in my life. All, I can say is it was difficult, I was one of the emergency cases once again who needed instant help. I kept my pain, and my feelings secret, I completely shut down and thought that I was alone and this was it, this was the end. I am still alone even though I have a beautiful companion, my dog. I didn't have the courage to write about my condition because I was scared. My darkness and my feelings sometimes scare other people. They think I am negative energy...
Even though I wrote something on my second account but that was nothing significant. I think I learned how to lie, how to hide the truth, and pretend that everything is fine. In my mind, I thought that writing such a kind of life update or mental health-related post might draw tons of attention. Some might say, oh again drama started, here we go again or here comes the attention seeker writing something while taking rewards... People don't have time to read someone else's bizarre thoughts or struggles because we all have a lot of things going on in life.
Is everything okay now? No, but I am adjusting, I am learning. Even though I don't have the inspiration to write something inspiring and beautiful, I still think about good things. My personal life had been messed up and it also triggered my mental health problems. It was like putting oil in the fire. I couldn't trust anybody, I was confused. It's not like everything is fixed now, I just have more room to think. Staying away from everything I guess was good. The isolation was painful but it helped me to understand a lot of things in life. I knew that my struggle and suffering only be dealt with by me, no one else could fix it. Even though some of my friends know what's going on but I never opened up about everything to others. I still see my therapists, they help me a lot even though I am still learning how to share everything with them.
I genuinely don't like sympathy. I don't like those who see my sickness or mental health issues as my weakness. Have you ever looked at the white wall for hours and forgotten about the time? There was a point in my life where I lost so many hours and I don't even remember what I have done in those hours. They are lost, disappeared from my life and I don't remember. I was reading somewhere that doesn't ask someone why you are depressed or what's the reason for your depression. There are no answers...How would I know what's the reasons for all of my mental health problems?
I saw pettiness in people's eyes, it felt horrible. I consumed all of the harassment that could break me into pieces. I felt small, tiny... It's not like my ego shattered, but my self-respect and self-value shattered into pieces. In this short period of time, many told me why I didn't run away, move on, and start fresh again. I often wonder how...
Maybe I am not well for a certain period of time, maybe I am feeling miserable for a certain period of time but the reason I am still alive is Hope. I am still hopeful that one day everything will be fine...My depression breaks me every day, sometimes it tries to kill me but a part of me is still hopeful that this fight will stop one day...
I hope next time, if I write something; I will share something meaningful and start with positive energy...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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Welcome back! It's really great to see you posting and communicating again...and makes a nonsense of this statement...
...the reason being that when you post, it's actually the opposite. It's positive energy, and this is backed up by the number of people who drop by to say hello and wish you well. It's also positive because you're trying to make sense of what's going on in your life and with your illness.
I am sure there are also many people who read your posts who are in awe that you are able to be so open and honest, and who wish they could be the same. Most people just want to show the happy parts of their life and are too afraid to show the not-so-happy. You are not afraid of sharing your true feelings, and that's pretty inspirational :-)
As always, I was really happy to see your name pop up in my feed, what a great way start to my day. Thank you!
You take care always, feel the best you can feel and even in the darkest times, remember that you're never alone :-)
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Yes, I agree that some Hivers actually care for me and understand what I have been going through. Even though I know most of my life update posts don't make any sense or maybe too dark for some individuals; but whenever I read the comments, it helps me to understand that my friends, and people love me, and care about me...
That's the scary part for me, it makes me sad when I see social media. Deep down I feel jealous and suffer an inferiority complex constantly. I cannot see myself in the mirror because I feel low. I have a feeling that I will never be happy or I don't deserve to be happy...It's a shame but it is what's constantly happening with me...
Thank you for the kind words, I hope I continue writing but can't promise anything yet... 😂
Take care my friend...
I am glad you were able to pen your thoughts. It mustn't have been easy, but you mafe it happen, and you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back.
People think whatever they want to, but that shouldn't stop you. Their words, though cruel and stings, aren't enough. You are a strong person, Pri, and you are doing so well. You are handling things well.
I know it is always hard to move on. I have been in situations where I don't know exactly what to do. Just like you said about staring at a white wall and one moment, the day just began, and the next you look out, dusk as taken place. It makes one feel like nothing tangible was done even when we do some little things.
What I have come to do in my case is to recognise those little things, embrace their existence, and never let my emotion run my day. I wish you the best in life and hope you get better and see those little things around you and also people who are there for you.
Ah but that makes me feel horrible. The world is moving forward fast and I feel like I am just going backward or stuck somewhere. I feel small, and horrible most of the time, and depression never leaves me alone. You are a strong soul dear and I often wonder how you do everything. how you manage everything because I just can't. For example, it took me more than a month just to write/post something because most of my posts were unfinished. I guess I am just a sad soul who loves being isolated...I have some problems I know but I guess I prioritize my problems more than my well-being...
Thanks, dear...
The world may be moving fast, but what matters is that you move at your own pace. Don't rush it because you'll get overwhelmed.
I take a step at a time. When it gets too much, I take a step back and relax. Life is already as hard as it is, I don't want to put myself in its grip, so I loosen myself and breathe. It helps.
Now that you know what you prioritise more and it doesn't help, why don't you take the other route and see where it leads you?
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It's good to see you back ♥️
Thanks Asia, I hope not to disappear again...🤣
@priyanarc
"I hope next time, if I write something; I will share something meaningful and start with positive energy..."
Wes...
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I didn't forget, I guess I don't remember it at all when certain things happen and I lose control. Also, I feel lonely most of the time even though I intentionally isolated myself... I guess I am just a confused soul...
Good to see another post from you. Some people find writing therapeutic at least there is no downside in doing that.
Beautiful pictures, particularly the one in with the sunflowers in the Ukrainian field. The first image is very cool, almost looks unreal though it probably is real.
I have something similar being thought about me by my wonderful wife. She thinks I have dark / negative power attached to me. Anything I start turns into "sh*t". For example, if I decided to invest some money in crypto it means the whole bull market is over. Or that I shouldn't say anything positive about anything because it will turn out exactly opposite. I don't believe in it and love her the same, but I do listen to her out of respect.
I was really surprised at the beginning after reading the comment about how you know about it but later I remembered where you are from and your connection... This was one of the most beautiful and memorable experiences I have ever had, truly unforgettable...
You are not alone, I feel also the same... When I buy something, the value becomes less and less...🤣
Some people do believe in it or they call it jinx or something like that. I also don't believe in it but many of my relatives do believe in such things...
You have no idea how many time I have thought of you. Time flies when you're busy, one day goes after the other and you lose track of when you spoke to certain people last time. I'm not happy to read you're struggling again, but am glad to read this post and see that you're fighting.
What you're going through is a roller coaster ride, with ups and downs, you know that. What you need to remember is that after every down, there's an up and it's always coming. You have your beautiful dog who cares about you and needs care too, which is good as it drags you back to reality.
Don't give up! Never give up as good times are coming. This is a little setback, which happens to everyone, but it won't last forever.
🤗😘
Hi dear Erikah, I hope you are well. I thought to text you a couple of times but I was hesitant, not sure how to start. I was confused and still I am because I am totally lost. I know you are busy with study and other things so also didn't want to disturb you. I just don't know how to start the conversation but I knew you would be there for me...
I am trying my best, not sure how far I can go but I am not losing faith in myself. I hope we can manage a time for chat...I will send you a text...
Thanks a lot, dear...
Thank you for finding the courage to put your thoughts in words, and to publish them here. Big Hug*
Yes, it took me a lot of time to think before writing because it wasn't easy. I find it really difficult to share and open up such private situations... Thank you for reading...
Always a true honor to read such intense and deep thoughts from you. Keep looking up, P🍀
Yes, you can lie and hide from everyone... but you can't fool yourself. And you know it well.
To hell with what others can say! You don't force anyone to read you or vote for you. And from what I read in the rest of the comments, I'm not the only one who is happy to hear from you and how you are really.
Yes! Hope. Always keep the faith in yourself. I trust in you and I see your incredible work progression. Sending love and hugs, my dear. ❤️
True indeed...
Thank you and that's a great motivation indeed. You are one of those who have been encouraging me from the beginning and helped me to find myself. Such motivations help me move forward a lot.
I am trying and thinking how far I have come, I can't stop now... I need to keep moving forward...
I hope you are doing well, thank you so much once again...
I'm sending you good energy🌞
Thanks a lot, I needed this...
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Thank you!!
Greetings from Venezuela, sometimes I feel the same way and I'm afraid to say it. I thought I was the only one. It's a feeling of emptiness that has no explanation, but sometimes I feel very well. I understand you. It's good to have read you and not feel so alone after all.