I find it quite difficult to write a single line lately, it's part of my depression and no matter how much I try, I cannot overcome this problem easily. Days are passing and I barely can keep track of dates and times. It feels like an eternity and never-ending moments. Good, and bad all things are happening around me and somehow different circumstances delaying the process of my recovery. Nowadays, I only blame my fate, nothing else. Sometimes I blame myself for everything; I still find it quite difficult fulfilling small tasks of daily life and I think I am doing everything intentionally. I blame myself for everything. The decisions I have taken so far for myself have gone wrong; even if I see a glimpse of the light of hope, I often end up falling into the dark side.
This week was different, my mood was constantly swinging and changing. I felt scared at some point due to intense and obsessive nightmares and I spent sleepless nights. As a result, I slept in the daytime and couldn't do anything productive. I had chosen to be silent and only kept contact with my younger sister and my psychologist. My intense nightmares began the last week and as a result, I was emotionally devastated. At some point, I thought I was breaking down again but somehow it didn't happen because of therapy sessions and medicines. Despite having a rough week, I managed to do a few things and I am proud of myself because of that.
I started spending more time with my dog Gigi and I began to train her to be obedient. Obviously, she is the kind of dog who doesn't do anything without rewards. Every step of her walk, she likes to have rewards otherwise she ran away. I taught her a few commands when we walk outside. Well, still she doesn't walk properly. The reason I became very strict towards her was that one day while walking outside with Gigi, I had an argument with a Swiss Shephard dog owner and due to anger, I started to train Gigi. Anyway, at least there is hope that my beloved dog will walk properly one day.
Difficulties come when I try to do daily chores due to my depression but I am managing my small life. I often think about when my misery gonna be finished. Even I was thinking to return to Kharkiv, Ukraine. But when I discussed my thoughts of going back to Kharkiv with my psychologist, she told me to take time. I am jobless now; it's not like I cannot find any work, I cannot work now. I am not ready to absorb the weight of the big world and heavy stress. I go out and sit outside every day, sometimes with Gigi, sometimes alone. So far most of my surrounding people already know or assume that I am crazy or have some mental sickness. So people avoid me which is good. Words speed like a virus in the place where I am currently staying.
Last Sunday, I guess I went to Rotterdam. Well, I had no plan to go there, my plan was to go to Breda city near Belgium. But due to the cancellation of my train, I ended up in Rotterdam. I guess I spent 1-2 hours there, walking near the station area. Also, I took the tram to see nearby locations. The city vibe was different. Rotterdam City is a mixture of people from all over the world and diverse cultures. Though it is a big city, the crowd didn't bother me at all. Maybe because of my treatment and medication, I am slowly adapting different atmosphere. I cannot say how I felt about the city because 1-2 hours of exploration is nothing when it comes to traveling in a big city. Next time definitely gonna call @brittandjosie before going to Rotterdam. I thought about calling Brit when I was in Rotterdam but I thought it won't be a good idea to call her all of a sudden.
I spent some time near the central station as I was thinking about what to do next. From Almere to Rotterdam it took 2 hours around so I didn't know what to do next as my Breda city tour plan got cancelled.
The roof of the central station was a very prominent and dynamic design, it seemed like a nice landmark, a huge volume triangular shape.
After spending some time near the station, I went to Rotterdam Blaak by tram. Iconic Cube houses are located there and also I wanted to spend time at Grotemarkt near the big square. Well, perhaps the day didn't go according to my plan but I managed to have a good day exploring a few locations.
I will write about those unique locations soon...
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Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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You can call any time I have said that before! And it’s a huge achievement to be by yourself in a strange new city. My city hahahah it’s silent busy and welcoming to many people including you. And if you say that people in the place where you are now all think you are crazy let them , you will rise against and I agree with the therapist. Take time and next time take the fast train to Rotterdam and we will plan a day , cycle the city or just walk. Discord can always be the message channel aswell. For now I am glad you did the travel a blog and training with Gigi and hope is there for you, time is of the essence
I would love to spend a day with you exploring your city Rotterdam because I know you know your city better than anyone. Yes, next time I will take the fast train because this time I took a different train that is supposed to go to Breda. I will definitely write you when I want to come and join you. It's been a while since the last time we met.
Thank you once again for everything Brit... Huggss...
We never sure of direction in life, look after yourself and Gigi.
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Exactly, still, I don't know what is waiting for me. Thank you...
With my depression that came with the obsessive thoughts, I started making a mental list of bad days. I then defined the worst day for me and was able to see whether it was worse or better when I had a new bad day. In this way, I learned not to dwell too much on the bad days, but to file them away in the list.
I used to write a chart before where I wrote both about having good and bad days including my happy and obsessive thoughts. But I stopped because I lost track and I find it quite difficult to write about them.
You achieved something, my psychologist also told me to do it but I don't know why I stopped. But writing about bad moments feels kinda relief, I mean I feel like I am talking to my diary...
Sorry to hear this. This must be hard on you. Dogs are therapeutic. I hope your dog help to make things better for you. Stay strong.
The past 3 months have been hard for me and I feel like I am stuck. I don't feel normal at all; in fact, when I deal with my emotions, I blame myself. But to be honest, I am doing much better now compared to my previous condition...
It's a good idea to spend more time with Gigi. She's part of your family and going for numerous walks will benefit you both. It is good labradors love food as that's how my friend trained her dog. I can let him off the lead and I'm sure he will come back for a treat. He's finally stopped pulling now but that sometimes comes with age. Training Gigi is a good goal to have. Dogs are great company.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. I expect you are still going to have rough patches but you've still achieved positive things this week. ❤️
Exactly and it's like a purpose in life. Yes, labradors love food and that's why it is very easy for me to train her. I can't let her off leash now but in the future, I guess with proper training, she will be fine. Another fact I noticed about myself is that, when I train Gigi, I completely focus on her and it's like something I wanna achieve now as a goal. I thought I cannot do anything but I can; it has to be something I like or want for now.
Yes, positive things also happen so I would say, treatment is taking me on the right track...
I agree. Dog training is a type of mindfulness. You can concentrate on something else instead of getting taken over by your own thoughts. I know you won't be able to let her off the lead yet, but you will get there.
My prayers are with you, that you and Gigi will find happiness soon.
Have you ever tried a head harness for her? If not, they're really effective because the dog can't pull at all. The only issue is in properly introducing it so she'll accept it. The feel is quite different from a collar or harness.
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Yes even actually someone suggested using it for her after seeing her enthusiastic behavior. I try to find that product nearest local stores but no luck so far. Maybe I should search it online and buy it as soon as possible. But dog products are expensive :D
Oh, anything that's comfortable and puts the weight on her nose will work fine :) You can make one from parachute cord. I'll see if I can describe it using Paint soon.
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Do you have a picture of her collar, please?
I am glad to read that despite how bad you had these days, you managed to do some things that helped you improve.
I think your focus on spending time with Gigi should help you too.
It is unpleasant that when one receives professional psychological help to face problems and work on solutions, the people around them take it as if one is simply crazy. I've seen it happen many times, but I always find it annoying.
I wish you that everything gets better soon
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Something new I have learned and I thought that only in my own culture, people don't believe such mental things but it's all over the world. Anyway, as long as I find my treatment useful and effective, nothing else actually matters. People's talk makes me sad and upset for a while but I know it won't stop me going forward. I sometimes think that despite of having dark days in life, I am still healthy and surviving. Probably not as much as stronger I used to be but I am good...
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What a good description for what it is to live with a mental illness. It is normal to go through days that seem worse, to come back up and take charge of your life again.
Training Gigi is a fantastic activity for both, I encourage you to continue with her.
What I liked to read the most about the whole post is that you have felt proud to have managed to take advantage of the change of plans. That's a huge advance, congratulations! A big !HUG dear. ❤️🤗
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I also feel proud thinking about how I inspire and motivate myself to move forward instead of prioritizing my feelings. I still have that fighting character inside me though I am having a difficult phase in life. I can see the differences and how far I have come considering how I was feeling in February and now...
Gigi is a good dog, it's just she is little spoiled :D
Thank you for the courage of sharing such private thoughts and condition with the community. I only can say to you that luckily I haven't been thorough the harsh situations that you have... But about some of the thoughts and present day difficulties I might say that I came crosse them once in a wile. Someday I have to find professional help, but I didn't found out that it was demanding, since I could cop with them till now. I wish you can find a firm and solid path of return to your safe and normal life stile. Till there I wish you all the strength to achieve it.
This is the case in the Netherlands as well, with long waiting lists and hard-to-find help if family doctors consider the case minor. I wrote about my mental health condition thinking someone might find it useful. It's not easy to write about mental health as many people still consider this issue taboo. Some say there is nothing called a mental problem...
Thank you for reading my post... Have a good week...
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Walking does her a lot of good, I hope Gigi behaves better.
That you are aware of her advances and her falls is something very important, recovering from depression is slow, do not despair.
It is hard that people push us aside for thinking that because we are in treatment we are dangerous crazy people. The good thing is that they leave us alone and do not overwhelm you.
Thank you very much for sharing images of such interesting places, I can't travel, so every time I see your posts I really enjoy it.