Finally, after a long hot day, I sit down and decided to write something about my day or about my entire week. My dog Gigi looking at me right now like I am doing something serious without her and she is very curious about that. She is going to be 3 years old soon I believe because I adopted her during the pandemic covid time. I need to see her passport but her birthday is coming which is 10th July. I cannot believe she is going to be 3 years old, it feels like I adopted her yesterday. I lost track of her age because of the war situation I guess, I almost forget the adoption year, unfortunately.
I am now asking myself what kind of mother I am who forgets her baby's birthday!!! Anyway, this week was kinda normal, boring as usual without work or any productivity. Well, on Thursday I went to see my psychologist to attend my weekly session and it went well. There were some good news and bad news as well. The bad news is I am not going to get trauma therapy for my PTSD because the trauma section denied my application. My psychologist was explaining to me why they rejected me to take my case but I didn't pay attention to it. I have been dealing with rejections in every aspect of my life and it is nothing new to me. I am used dealing to with rejection and no matter how bad I feel about it, I never show that feeling in front of others.
When my psychologist asked me how I have been doing; my answer was quite confusing. She didn't understand my answer at first because I told her that I have been pretending with myself and in front of others as well. Pretending to be normal, pretending that I am doing good and there is nothing wrong with me. I think I am not explaining my thoughts behind such an answer correctly because all I wanted was to be normal and happy in front of others. I started hiding my emotions, and feelings and also I pretend to myself saying everything is alright even though I am broken inside. I really don't know how people can be so strong and so confident. I feel weak and less confident every other day. I guess my loneliness eats me deeply from the inside.
Whatever, I just don't know when I will be back as a normal human being. So, now my psychologist is going to do something with my PTSD and my nightmares as well. So, I was a little bit confused about my treatment, what was actually going on so far...
Believe me or not, I have been realizing so many things lately about myself. It's not only about the war trauma, it's about my whole life which became ups and down all at once. The reason I have been facing so many difficulties is that I am all alone without family members or friends. I don't have anyone who will actually listen to my bullshit talk except my psychologist.
I am staying in a very nice country, I am safe but it's hard to accept all of these changes all at once because circumstances influenced my life so badly. You know I force myself sometimes, I force myself to be better, I push myself to be normal and to feel happy. I am just lost hope of living life and starting over again. I guess I am hopeless and I don't find that inspiration to start life over again.
My sickness and depression are still there, they just come and go, depending on the effects of the medicines. I bought a coloring book and started coloring and drawing to find the creative mind that I had. I love colors so I thought maybe it will help me to relax and to concentrate. This process helps a lot to concentrate on one thing at a time. Probably this might sound crazy or very childish as coloring books are mostly for kids but I thought I should start doing something that I used to love in my childhood. I keep the coloring book with me all the time so that whenever I want, I can focus on coloring. Even sometimes I sit outside and focus only on coloring the drawings. It's satisfying. I have some problems in life that are almost impossible to solve and those issues give me a lot of stress. So, to avoid extra stress, I started this process by myself.
Last 2 days I have been busy fixing my laptop. I don't know much about computer programming so I asked for help. The benefit of living in the shelter is, you will find anyone from any profession at a low cost to fix/solve your problematic things. So, I got help fixing my laptop issue temporarily.
Stress is a killer and it never allows me to think straight. I am doing what I can control but some things are beyond my control level and to fix those I only can rely on time...
P.S.: every day I consider writing something nice, and positive but I always end up writing shitty, boring daily life stories and feelings. It shows that I am not normal...
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Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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All images used are captured by the author...
Here thinking about forgetting birthdays, I really forget even my own birthday, you can imagine that I also forget the birthday of the children in the house or the birthday of the pets.
The point of feeling broken inside and trying to appear to others sounds hard, but I understand that it is something that is also a response mechanism of our mind. By the way, about being 'normal', I must confess that I have never been sure of being completely adjusted to the term, since normality is a statistical thing, so I accept that we are not completely normal and that we are rather as a kind of variation, in a state that allows us to exist in society, but that we always have our shadow or our 'touch' of abnormality that accompanies us.
The issue of loneliness can be quite hard, even for me who is quite introverted, homely, and quite adjusted to the idea of 'indoor people', the feeling of loneliness can become suffocating and quite annoying. The idea of sublimating conflicting emotions through the use of art, even if it is art that is considered childish, is something that I believe is healthy and positive.
By the way, one usually writes about the things that happen to one or what is around, and it can be understood that there are cases in which there are few 'beautiful' things to tell, I know that on social networks we all try to show the most 'cool' that we have at hand, but sometimes, a touch of reality does not go wrong, there are simply moments in which it is good to share what we live, just like we live it. That's normal too :)
Stay !ALIVE
!LOLZ
!GIF coloring book
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!CTP
To be honest, these words really made me smile, I was smiling while reading these lines and still smiling. I wonder how you deal with your wife's birthday or anniversary :D
I guess nobody is perfect and I think my culture and society created a picture or image in front of me being normal when I was a child. While taking the talking therapies, every day I discover a new me and also I come up with some constructive thoughts and realizations. Though I still think my childhood was a golden period of my life; there are a few traumas, and circumstances that influenced my present condition. I just lost myself within the flow and cultural diversity and traumas.
My only issue or thinking is, people don't wanna see the reality of life or don't wanna accept different and simple moments of reality. It's a colorful screen that never shows reality and people just love to showoff the perfect life...
I can assure you that living as a couple with a forgetful person has its advantages and its problems :)
Most of the time I will forget the things that led to bothering me, but I also forget engagements and anniversaries.
I share the idea that people don't want to see reality, but that doesn't mean that from time to time reality catches up with them anyway. It's certainly not a pleasant thing to be hanging around the dark things in life, but it's about relating, and that sometimes means that people aren't always as colorful as they'd like to be. Because it's not that we're a bit 'dark' on occasions when we're down, it's just moments in life that happen, after all, I love sharing the best things I have to say every day, despite that there are quite complicated days, to call them softly.
Anyway, I wish you that everything gets better, regards to Gigi
Stay !ALIVE
!Gif a forgetful person
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Hmmm... who says feeling crappy isn't normal. It's very people looking at you would think you are doing fine. I think many many people put in the show of I'm fine, nothing to see here when really they are hurting inside.
As for writing something nice, I'd personally rather read something honest. If I want to see happy fake lives I'll read Facebook (which I typically avoid).
If coloring makes you happy.. or even distracted for a while .... go for it! Who cares if others think it is childish. Personally it's much rather feel a little better inside than look better outside... but that's just me.
Side note: my wife's dog will be 3 on July 7th. That means we both survived having puppies 🐶
That chew on everything among other annoying habits 😉
Thanks for posting
I completely agree with this point of view of yours. There is nothing real in social media, 90% of what people share is fake or just a glam lifestyle.
Totally agree with you...
Yes, it's fascinating to experience that entire journey with my dog knowing she is gonna be an adult one day, and here, her adulthood is coming... They grow so fast...
I have a colouring book, too. It’s an excellent therapy aid! Glad to see you making good decisions and taking care of yourself.
Keep writing, please. Life is all that you express, the beauty and the beast.
Gigi has a great mum! ♥️🤗
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Gigi will be an adult soon. I was thinking to celebrate her birthday and also gone do her photo session as well :D
Celebrating Gigi's birthday is a great idea, it would be great to see her here! 🐶🤩
It shows you ARE normal. And honest :-)
Social media for many is a form of escapism where they only show the good parts. As an authentic person, you share your real life and that's one thing that makes you special here :-)
Keep battling and always be authentic. That's what being a human is about.
Best wishes as always and big hugs for Gigi :-)
I have been dealing with some criticism for the past few weeks because people always become curious when you are mysterious. There are a lot of talks behind my back but I ignore them. Sometimes circumstances become so difficult that I couldn't even breathe and feel like I shouldn't stay in this world. I feel heavy and I am learning to deal with it. For example, today in the morning I was feeling very stressed and I couldn't do a single activity properly.
Social media is something that makes me sad often and awakens the darkness of my life. For example, when I see my friends/classmates having a stable life, I think about my misery. This feeling is not constant, it just makes me sad sometimes.
Gigi is learning and I couldn't give her proper training because of past situations and now she is so strong that I need to train myself first to handle her... :D
You are absolutely normal, when you see people who only write and live in a world of happiness: get away from that person quickly, because someone who is happy all the time is really and quite mentally disturbed.
We are there to listen and support you, to the best of our ability, and we care that you are better and get ahead in your life, we are something strange and rare in this world: we are or want to be your friends.
You are not alone, if you notice there are a few of us who are looking out for you. To the mischievous Gigi, I hope she's on her best behavior these days when I take her out for a walk.
In this opinion, I ask myself that probably I am jealous or cannot consume the happiness of others as I am living a miserable (my thoughts) life. In reality, my life is actually not so miserable, it's my mental condition and my brain that cannot see the positivity or barely understand the inspiring life.
I really appreciate that...
I know but like I said, I am making many things in my mind...
She is learning but still she needs to go a long way because this war also made her stressed as well. Unfortunately, her trainer told me that she also got affected by the war and she is a stressed dog...
It's truly nice to read your post again. Please don't say particularly to yourself that you're being unproductive because you're not. I think you are productive in writing. You're doing a good job, expressing yourself pretty well.
Phrase as "things will be alright, wait and see" works for me, it calms me down and stop me from dwelling on the negative and things that are beyond my control. Do try it instead of "everything is alright" phrase that you know it's not, and might make you feel you're lying to yourself.
I always believe and say that I am alone but not lonely and most of the time I am really not lonely. With your situation, I think you need a family to be around you or a friend, will do you good in your recovery and make life easier for you, I must agree. I'm glad you have Gigi to give you company. Enjoy each other. 😊
Oh yes, you're living in a very nice country, I hope that could inspire you. You know, you are still blessed compared to others... Look around you, not because one is smiling means they're worry free...
The coloring book is a brilliant idea! 👍 maybe you can show us someday. If this is the way you can beat the stress, keep colouring. You can beat this! All the best. 💕
My doctor also suggested something like this and told me to say it to myself every day. Even before bed, she advised me to do something like this.
I really need someone around me to talk, I know I can talk to anybody but I just need a good friend or someone I can trust. Gigi is something, she is a naughty, strange dog who actually loves me the most.
Well, book coloring is satisfying though it seems so childish and a waste of time in many people's opinion. I have a lot of free time so I use my free time doing something that makes me happy and relaxed...
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I've had phone issues this week so just catching up. I can't believe how stressed I became over a bloody phone, but my whole life is in it lol.
We have adult colouring books in the UK. I visited a friend yesterday who has had some shit in her life. She was saying if she starts feeling low she finds a project to do. We both like working with wood but when we were at school girls weren't allowed to do it.
Who wants to be normal anyway? It sounds so boring but I know what you mean. ❤️
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