I've recently had cause to contemplate trust and what it means to me when I have it, and when I do not. I'll not go into specifics of course, you don't need to know, however I've been thinking about the trust humans place in each other and themselves and what it would be like if every single person on the planet was trustworthy and were incapable of lying. I think it would be a messed up world to be honest, although there'd surely be some incredibly funny moments too. Conversely, there'd be a lot of pain and suffering that could come from brutal honesty as well.
Self trust circle
There's so many different forms of trust and it comes out in various ways however I believe the most important is trust in oneself - if a person cannot trust themselves it's unlikely they'll be trusted in return, or that they'll act in a decent manner by design. The saying, it's what you do when no one is looking that truly defines you, comes to mind. But should we blindly trust ourselves or do we need to constantly earn our own trust by doing the right things consistently, being the best version of ourselves?
I am going to say, yes, I trust myself. But have I always been my best version? I'd be lying if I said I had, as would everyone.
I trust in my abilities though, physical skills, thoughts and attitudes and that trust keeps me moving forward and motivated to take actions that help me design my life. Whilst I might not move arrow straight all the time, going in the right general direction is good enough, as long as I am self-honest enough to see when I'm drifting and do what I must to get back on track.
So, that's self trust for me. There's other elements, but I don't want to get too personal. But what about the trust I place in others? That's not as easily explained...and certainly not as easily given.
General trust circle
People need to earn my trust and it's not the easiest thing to do. I've had situations in which I placed trust with the wrong people; getting burned isn't a nice feeling. It hurts, the amount of hurt depends on what, who, how and why and it can cause many unproductive emotions which can spiral out of control and have lasting effects. It can shake one's confidence and, for me, has affected who I am as a person, with myself and others. So, with me, people start at zero trust and work upwards or downwards from there.
I know, there's people out there who blindly trust others before gathering information and it might even work a few times, but it's not the way to go in my opinion. One must build trust over time and experience and I take the time to do that with others, and expect others to do the same with me should they want my trust. It's ok if they don't of course, they just don't get my trust.
Having said all that, I still don't fully trust many people. There's a few yes, but most will never have it and I think that's acceptable - It's my life to do with as I wish right? I have a circle of trust, like most people, and even within that circle some information is never divulged, or it might to one and not to the other. Information is power so one must be a little mindful of who has which information. I think it's prudent.
Trust and honesty fit together like coffee and cookies and I mentioned above about brutal honesty. Being honest helps build trust of course and lying destroys it, but is there a time for both? Do truth and lies fit together like honesty and trust? I think they do.
Imagine meeting someone for the first time and being brutally honest with them...something like:
"Oh hello, aren't you just the fattest, ugliest and most heinous piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure of meeting!"
Hmm, I think that might be quite hurtful to the person and destructive to the process of relationship building. It might be the truth though. So, you see what I mean? There's a time and place for brutal honesty.
What about this one:
Husband: "Hey babe, can you tell I've been working out on the home gym?"
Wife: "No, you're still the same flabby, untoned, weakling you were a month ago and taking protein supplements is never going to help because you're not working hard enough and consistently enough to make tangible gains."
Brutally honest, but is that going to motivate the poor fellow or help the relationship? I don't think so.
I think you get what I mean. Sometimes human beings need to be brutally honest, I think we should be with ourselves for sure, and sometimes it's ok to tell a little lie, a white lie they call it, as sometimes it's more encouraging and appropriate than the absolute truth.
Maybe the wife could have said:
"You're looking a little more toned each week, superguy. I know how hard you've been working and you're beginning to show some results. Do you feel you've got the balance between the right weights, exercises and frequency to achieve the gains you want?"
Something like that anyway, ad a squeeze on the bum or a warm smile and boom, it's party time! It's not the brutal truth of course, but is probably going to make the poor fellow feel a little better, more confident, and may even lead him to evaluate what he's doing and to work a little harder. It's a more productive comment, although it's not altogether the truth.
No matter what happens in our lives, we will all tell and be told lies, mislead others, withhold the truth or be outright devious and underhanded. There's not always a nefarious reason for it though, sometimes we might just lie to keep a secret from a loved one about a planned birthday surprise or some such thing. I know people who say they never lie, and when they say it, they're actually lying and I make a mental note to chalk up demerit points on their tally of trust. But the lies, we tell aren't always damaging, sometimes they are positive and productive.
I guess it's important to remember how difficult it is to create a good reputation in life and to be seen as trustworthy, and also here on Hive for that point. It takes consistency and effort, and many, many of the right actions in a row. It doesn't come by chance and the ethos of entitlement, that's so prevalent in society these days, doesn't actually entitle a person to trust, respect or a good reputation at all. It's got to be earned.
It's also important to remember that, after all that consistency and effort put into building trust and a good reputation a person can lose it all by one single act. I've seen people do it in the real world and in the online world also. The interesting thing is it's highly likely that if a person does it online, they almost certainly do it offline in the real world.
What are your thoughts on truth and trust? Have you have experiences on or offline in respect of either or do you have a general opinion? Feel free to comment below.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
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I am pretty sure that is the positive spin I get from the Good Lady. Sometimes, I think I could be doing with the brutal truth, lol!!
Well, no one is about to call you flabby, untoned and weak mate, we all know you're rock hard and Titan-strong!
And...don't we all need some brutal truth? I get it every time I look in the fucken mirror and the debacle that's going on with my face...Age gracefully they say. #fuckers
The killer ageing!!
I get the same, so I suppose the nice things from the Good Lady keep me going!
Your good lady is...welll, #good
Three and a half weeks of the month she is!! 😜
And that, folks, is some brutal honesty.
Haha, you have to be honest. Even she admits it!
Trust, trustworthy...
Truth, truthfully...
Coming to an age of 40's It seems harder to find or even earn its status of trust, while its even harder to maintain quality of trust. Crazy thing is... I have been looking for it from the outside when I realized what really mattered most was always there inside... my direct family.
A trust taken for granted?
I also think the pandemic in a way strengthened or hindered the use of trust... the people who I trust most (My wife, children, mom, dad) what trust do I have for them, and what does my trust mean for others (work, friends, neighbors). And who are in my own circle of trust?
We easily tend to choose to act differently depending on how much of the other persons trust is worth.
Meaning the quality of trust you score to others will create a particular behavior you will act towards anyone.
Pretty silly to know that my behavior towards any individual comes from the worthiness of an abstract which essentially is an emotional state of mind.... we call trust. :) If we break it down to the basics.
Its no wonder when a strong trust is broken its reverse effects are just as strong if not strongest. So strong yet extremely fragile.
And still longing for it.
Just my 2cents. :)
Great post man~
I like that you've thought about it, I get the impression not just now because of my post either. You raise some interesting points, valid points. You mention the pandemic and rightly so. It's incredible what an event like that can do, and has done, to how we think. For some they have more trust, and others even less than before. It's all based on the individuals experience and situation I guess.
Thanks for your great comment. It's appreciated. And...Coming to an age of 40's...I left those 40's back a while...It wasn't that painful. Live the moments and the age doesn't matter (much). 😁
Just to be clear, If i understood you correctly, we tend to hold back on our actions towards someone who broke our trust because we value how much trust they put in us? I don't get it...😕
This gave me a laugh. I have seen people say it and even me, I joke with it sometimes when someone ask me, Are you lying?
I get your saying about brutal truth, it’s actually full of bitterness. That’s why there is a saying that the truth is bitter. We don’t want to hurt the feelings of others, so we withdraw some truth and tell a white lie to encourage them to do better. It’s not bad to lie so far the intentions are true.
What are your thoughts on truth and trust?
Telling the truth builds trust. And to tell the truth, one needs to be an honest person. Trust on the other, is quite hard to build depending on the individual and can be demolished only by tiny little mistake a person makes. Just like spoiling one’s reputation.
I have an issue of giving out trust easily and learnt a lesson of being poked for doing that. I give every individual a chance and sometimes unlucky about it.
Although I have met people who proved to be trust worthy, and have been of help to each other.
Yay, I'm glad that line got a laugh, it was supposed to. But, that stuff happens you know, more than I would have thought possible. Nutbags.
I have friends that are brutally honest with me and each other, it comes from past experiences and situations in which dishonesty, even with oneself, had no place. It's often unpleasant, but if it comes from a place of respect then it's acceptable. Not everyone wants friends like that though I'm ok with it.
Thanks for your thoughts on trust and truth, I appreciate it. We all have our opinions, usually based on experiences I guess, and they all differ. I find those who trust without experience or evidence the trust is well-placed are those who haven't had their trust betrayed in a major way. I think it's human nature to be a little more wary after such events.
Yeah, it is usual for us to be more wary after an experience of disappointment. There is this saying: once bitten, twice shy.
Only my close friends, with whom we hang out together most of the time, can be brutally honest, and I won't feel all that bad because I know it's the truth. But when it comes from someone who I don't know, it feels like the person is trashing me or kind of have a beef with me.
Truths that come from those we don't count as valid are usually unwelcome as you say. It doesn't make it any less the truth I guess though. Still, unsolicited advice, observations and opinions are mostly not that welcome I guess, especially if they don't align with one's own thoughts.
I'm not even a full blown adult so I see I have a lot to learn. But I do agree that our experiences and situations make us. Just like T.D Jakes said in his book how who you are stems from the knowledge of things around you. And being honest can be hard too. Not just with oneself but with their loved ones.
The truth is always never... sweet! I mean, who wants to be told that they are not trying enough? But the fact is, most times, it is our conscience that tells the whole truth about who we are not other people and soon, our actions fall in line with what we really are.
Trust Is like an eraser, the more you give it out freely without process to note if the person is worth it, the more it reduces, being brutally honest is the truth but we know humans don't like the truth, we appreciate it more if sugarcoated lies are told to us which is why some say it with ease, they believe that's what you want to hear. Just like this part,
Though sometimes lying(white lie) is said to make another feel less pain as long as they are bits of truth attached to them as you've cited above.
I have been told I don't trust people, not as I do not, but the process it takes is longer than expected most time, and if it finally happens, I am careful of the information I divulge.
Sugar-coated lies seem to be rather prevalent don't they? This is why I don't watch or listen to news services, it's all lies and propaganda.
Taking time to gather information and understanding before placing trust isn't a bad thing at all, it's smart actually. It mitigates the risks involved with placing trust and may mean one averts a possibly bad situation. I'd say you're doing the right thing.
Propaganda it is..but most see my actions as being dramatic which I take no offense to and do as I please anyways.
The question I have is, how do we accomplish that? Gathering information I mean. With my mom, it was easy because we live together and every single day (till today) she proves herself. (I shouldn't even be distrusting the womn but I did. I honestly didn't trust my mother🤦)
Now, for me who's... well I like a life of seclusion. How do I actually know? (Stupid question? Maybe. But I can't help it).
We gather information in many ways. Direct experience, observation from afar, word of mouth and so on. All of those things combine and we begin to form a perception. Intuition plays a role also, women are good at that one. They all combine to give us the information we act upon.
From there we need to apply honesty, make decisions based on the information and the thoughts, feelings and emotions we feel because of them. Sometimes we look at the whole thing and decide against it, other times we convince ourselves to move forward...We never really know what might come until we experience a little more I guess though. I think one of the most important elements is not to be too hard on oneself when we get it wrong. We need to understand that we made the best decision we could based on the information to hand at the time. Something like that anyway.
As humans we're really good at deception I guess, and especially good at deceiving ourselves.
I'll bear this in mind, arigatto🙂
Dōitashimashite.
😀❤️
I remember taking a philosophy class in graduate school about 'truth,' and some heavy discussions about when it might be acceptable to not be truthful. You're spot on about the interaction between spouses absolutely needing to include the occasional misdirection.
"Honey, does this make me look fat?"
First of all, that's not a fair question. Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to ask your spouse a question where there is no correct answer. No.
(If anyone can tell me the correct answer, I'll reward with a cookie)
You know, I think it's important to try to continue to improve daily. Everyone will have off days. Everyone will have a day where they say "Fuck it, I don't care." That's not necessarily a failure. The failure occurs when the person does not realise that the "fuck it" day was a day when they had to do something better.
I miss your shit. I need to be around more.
The honey do I look fat in this question is one to avoid at all costs. It's a trap! 🙂
I think the truth/untruth/semi-truth/trust conversation is an interesting one to have, hence my bringing it up. Better in person though.
I'd like to see some truth in advertising actually, you know:
This car won't make you handsome or beautiful, but it'll get you from one fucken place to the other.
Or...
This cosmetic cream won't make you look better, but you'll feel better pretending that it will, and you buying it helps our company become economically viable.
How good would that be?
On the improvement thing...I don't ever look for perfection in anything I do, just continual improvement. If I find that I'm content, if I find it not, then I work harder. Seems a good plan.
It's always good to have you around, so feel free to drop by. (And that's the truth).
It really does just evaporate the second someone does something that may possibly be wrong doesn’t it 😓
But then again if one wants to be duplicitous guess they deserve whatever happens.
I guess it depends on the relationship and situation, but generally reputation is easily ruined with often the smallest breaches of trust. It happens people to people, business to consumer and business to business, country to country even...It's common. I suppose the common denominator is people and because we're all the same (human) we generally have the same (similar) reactions to the bad behaviours around deceit.
Wow it's a very interesting topic, I once read somewhere that trust cannot be won or lost, I decide whether to give it or not, regardless of the actions of others, it seems reasonable to me, I for one try to be as honest as possible, and as you say there are always ways to say what one thinks without offending the other, the truth that hurts by taste is irresponsible bonding in my opinion, and sometimes I fall into this irresponsibility because of my own weakness of not consciously inhabiting my discomfort in different circumstances, I would also like to be able to trust more, in people and in myself, these are issues that I have to work on, thank you for sharing your reflection.
Maybe you should flip those two things around and start with trying to find some trust in yourself prior to others as I think you'll be more successful in that endeavour. Then the *trust in people might also come.
Trusting others is more about them than you in my opinion. If they do things that makes them worthy of you giving them your trust then you give it. If they don't do those things, but you give it anyway, then you're being a little dishonest with yourself. That's how I see it anyway.
Yes, thinking about what you say, probably that is my big mistake, and the reason why I can't be able to trust 🤔
It's ok to focus on yourself, to work on yourself, and strive to reach a place of happiness and contentment, a place, feeling and attitude you can trust and rely upon. It pushes outwards from there.
Thanks for the advice, it's something I needed to hear.
We all need to hear that I think, or have had to at one time or another. Don't be too hard on yourself, show some kindness and open up to you. I think you'll find someone to value there.
Just about an hour or two ago, my neighbor was telling me about someone she's come to trust within a short time. My jaded nature was very fidgety as she spoke. I don't really understand the full context of trust because sometimes I'm like...
Meh, i saw it coming when they do what I expected them to do and I wonder in the moment, did i truly trust the person? Trust is a vouch of confidence right?
I only trust one person currently and she's the one who gave me life. She's constantly proved her loyalty to me and would come through rain or sunshine. No one is as strong a pillar as she is. I got to analyze this just a few weeks ago while I enjoyed a cup of coffee and my mind wandered as it always does.
Just like you pointed out, I don't always go in the right direction but I trust that I can be honest to myself. Frankly, that's painful. To be brutally honest with yourself and not give excuses or live in the safety nets of your fragile mind; being... I'm trying to get the right word. Like, you're not really what you believe you are and deep down you know it, that you have a long way to go. Yep. Hurts like hell. I see why some people would rather lie to themselves and just relax on the cushion of small achievements. The truth is, if I don't skin myself with the fiery blade of truth, I don't think I can be trustworthy; with anything or anyone.
It can be difficult to be totally honest with oneself and I'm not sure if anyone really achieves it. We fool ourselves all the time, in little ways and sometimes much bigger ways. Let's say, an over weight or diabetic person convincing themselves that a little more cake won't be bad for them. It's a lie they tell themselves and so, they can't say they've always been totally honest right? It's the same as when a person talks around issues they know exist in a relationship and then decide to stay in it. I think that one happens all the time.
I actually think we're all in this position, none of us are, or will ever be, perfect. So, I think the honesty aspect comes in the form of understanding that we're a work in progress, always. As long as we're working in the right direction I think it's all we can ask of ourselves.
I could be wrong though. I often am.
Ha! Story of my life ...🤣
Establishing trust isn't overnight and shouldn't be. It takes time and I think you need a foundation to build on. There is no exactness to it either. I have had people that I almost immediately trust and bond with and others, for however long I know them, never get there. It is not that I don't trust them (for lack of a better term) but, there isn't 100% given over to them.
Parents build a foundation of love and safety for us with respect, communication, truth, and honor. The online world has ripped down so much that it becomes hard to trust anyone, especially if you have been burnt once or even twice... but especially the first time. Of course, over time you do, reluctantly at first and then, a little bit more.
A good subject to toss about. I wonder if scammers ever do.
There's no formula to apply to giving trust, it just happens and sometimes quickly as you say. Women are better at men with the whole intuition thing, but men do it too and that helps a lot. We just feel a certain way and with a little experience here and there, trust happens. We need to apply caution though also, in my opinion.
I agree it's a decent topic to discourse on, broad in scope, and no, I think scammers don't consider it. They probably don't even stop to consider their actions as wrong, greed, ego and hubris tend to blind a person.
This is the first time I read your work and I think you do a nice job when expressing your ideas about this topic. Everyone needs this Self-trust circle but most people ignore that need. Thanks to take care of this kind of topic, I believe you are helping a lot of people.
Hi there and thanks for taking a read of my post, I'm glad you saw something you liked.
What's your take on truth and trust? Have you had any experiences, good or bad?
Moral training comes basically from early years with parents where trust first lies, if broken when young both trust and morals will flounder.
Most relationships are built on trust, once trust is broken, most occasions irreparable.
Have yet to meet anyone who does not lie, not part of human nature, we can continue trying to keep to straight and narrow, no excuse there.
The problem is that these days moral training isn't actually getting done as well or as much as it used to.
This is a quite interesting topic to partake. There's a Ricky Gervais movie (The Invention Of Lying) that you may find quite interesting. Trust is a matter of trusting oneself first. Sadly, with time and experiences it's quite hard fill a glass that once was easier to fill. There's a factor that enters the equation and it is how bad you were in life or in situations that require trusting. Most of people that broke the trust of someone are the ones who find it hard to trust, it can be the other way around in the case of people whom trust were broke as well. In the end we have to be cautious and focus on judging actions. It's hard to trust people nowadays that's why many individuals prefer to that have their circle fully closed. There are good people though, I still have faith in humanity and changing. Regards.
It's a complex situation and one that is specific to the individual.
I guess I should clarify, I don't personally find it hard to trust, just that I need to see people earn it as trusting a person blindly with no evidence that they deserve it seems rather bonkers to me.
It's worked for 52 years so far, and whilst I've placed trust in the wrong places previously, and also in the right places, I still seek evidence that trust is deserved before I give it.
Blind trust doesn't seem prudent no matter the amount of faith a person has in humanity. We all know there's people out there who don't deserve trust, and that's there's other people who do, it's situational, and actions will determine who is who.
A parent sending their 10 year old to the playground by themselves trusting in their faith in humanity may not work out so well these days. Back where and when I was 10 it was considered normal. That situation may also be location specific. Just an example of how blind trust may be misplaced.
Times change, and people need to change with them because people force those changes societal changes.
Thanks for your comment.
As usual, this is absolutely spot on sir and I must say that this came at the right time because it is relatable with the events I witnessed with Wifey's family members few weeks ago. Trust should be earned and I was just in one corner watching them drag things left and right but it all boils down on lack of trust within themselves. There is a time and place for brutal truth. There is a place for diplomacy too. If everyone wants to be brutally honest all the time, so many things would go wrong.
Yes, I have to trust myself to do the right things and when I drift, I should be honest with myself as well to do things better. Trust should be earned. One of my favourite quotes reads: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Trust and truthfulness is an interesting and broad subject as there's so many circumstances and situations in life than cause it to look differently depending on perspective and who is looking. I think it's important to be honest with oneself as much as possible, but as I said above we also tend to deceive ourselves a lot I'm preference for other emotions and feelings.
We're human, and so are always going to be flawed and fallible.
Absolutely true sir... absolutely. 🙌
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I have faith in many but trust very few.
A good policy.
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Well, I like the idea of trusting from downwards to upwards, absolute trust must be earned. At the same time anyone could make a mistake and it is only natural that the trust will be affected. You can easily forgive the person but can not easily trust again, but maybe with time and effort it can be rebiult. Nice thoughts you have put together here, friend.
I guess some might feel able to rebuild trust with someone who has broken it, but it tends not to be my way. Broken trust is incredibly difficult to mend with me. It's best not to break it in the first place.
I think they teach it to them in kindergarten.