this matter is... not quite sure how to word it... something of particular... challenge... with the AuDHD especially, i'd guess/assume / know all too well, with the two distinct aspects at odds with eachother...
in my latest wave of watching ASD stuff and seeing reflections, i've been like, "oh fuck i really have been leaning hard into routines after all..." which is kinda so super perplexing, given it seemed not too long ago during putting together my 38 pages of notes for the ADHD diagnosis, it was like, 'oh fuck there's no way in hell I can EVER consistently keep ANY routine for longer than like 2-3 days.' 🤔🤔🤔
god, it's weird. for real. somehow I've managed to find a groove into some routines & consistency over the last year, which feels oddly new/different. though at the same time, i dunno how "productive" they actually are, spending a good amount of time within them still kinda scattered on YouTube & Instagram, lol. meanwhile, the "productive" stuff it'd seemingly make logical sense to get into the routines (i.e. writing & music)... those still seem to function with their own uncontrollable creative waves. had a few phases where almost kinda found a bit of a groove and they integrated into routines... until nope. and acknowledge at this point that probably better to not even try touch or force it at all until the next wave(s) cycle around (and maybe I'll have established enough of a routine that they're easier to fit in).
*and then the restlessness with where I'm at kicks in, questioning whether I really wanna stay here or oughta follow whatever the reason is I cry often when watching stuff in Thailand and Indonesia - knowing that'd require an entire uprooting of the routines and all "stability/security" with(in) them it's taken a year (or many) to establish.
ah yes, the 'joys' of the AuDHD-ish brain. 🥴
Yes, it's like, I love routines, because the predictability alleviates anxiety, but at the same time I myself am unable to sustain them, but also, also, they cannot be forced on me by someone else, because - demand avoidance.. so then.. effectively.. there are no solutions.. unless there are nice little npcs with rigid routines around me that create a sense of structure without requiring me to take part in them but I can if I feel like it.. xD Which is as ridiculous as it sounds.. xD
Yup
ohhhhhhhhh.
something just clicked with the "demand avoidance" as seeing it placed in the context you just articulated as you did here.
(I didn't look too far into the concept and didn't particularly feel inclined to self-diagnose, though see why it came up in the same conversations now. and whether going so far to self-inquire further and slap another label on myself or not, definitely see insightful refections in that single sentence as you structured it.)
😮