I got home from the hospital late last night, after the CT scan failed to find anything that could be causing my grievances. So, since there is nothing that shows up there, there is nothing that can be done and I will just have to live with whatever this is until it improves or worsens on its own. It is unsettling though, as it feels very much like it did before I had the stroke and for the last couple weeks I have been living with that feeling of "any time now" where I will either die, or worse, become a vegetable incapable of killing myself.
The Sword of Damocles
I don't know if the threat is real or not, but it certainly feels real enough.
There is zero I can do about it though, so I just have to go on pretending that it isn't there or, ignoring the feelings and just accepting at some point, it'll happen or not. It is a weird feeling to have the sense that at any moment I might drop dead, even if it isn't likely according to the tests. That feeling is still there and it doesn't just shake away.
Life goes on.
And, since there is nothing I can do about it, that means I just have to keep doing what I have been doing, which in itself now feels strange. It is similar to just after the stroke where I feel quite disconnected from my own experience, kind of floating through existence, not fully registering that what is happening is happening to me, or that I am even present in the room I am sitting in. It feels a little like being a ghost perhaps, where I know I am in the room, but can't touch anything real.
How to live if living doesn't feel like being alive?
It is a weird sensation for sure and it makes me wonder what happens if this is the case for the rest of my existence, because I don't think it is conducive to what would be considered a good life. It might be the best it gets though, so in that case, I would be making the most of it and still feel like crap. Which raises the question, what is the point?
Meaning of life stuff.
Although life is ultimately meaningless, there is at least normally the general sense that we are able to create meaning out of something in our lifetime that makes us feel like what we do matters. But if we are unable to connect to something that makes us feel that, it is generally not going to be experienced as a good life at all and if I am unable to feel connected to the world, that makes that connection to meaning quite difficult to find. And, with my inability to focus clearly or imagine anything much at all, it just becomes harder and harder to make sense of the world and the reasoning for it.
Perhaps it will pass.
Maybe it is just the lag from being ill or some other brain change that will shift in time and things will improve. That is the hope I guess. Well, the hope is that something will click in my brain and rather than having another stroke, I will get some cool superpower.
Fingers crossed.
It is tiring to live this way, but unfortunately, it is impossible to get respite, as every moment I am awake and even during the rare times I dream, my brain constantly reminds me of its condition. It is obsessively compulsively an asshole.
Does that make me an asshole too?
Probably.
Many people think that I am an asshole anyway, because I am not as driven by my emptions as they are accustomed to and now that my responses are deadened even further, they probably think I am a psychopath. With 1-4% of the population being psychopathic, I should be able to blend in somewhere.
Is there a club for psychos?
Parliament perhaps.
Well, now that I am home, I should just turn my attention to something else and tell the constant voice in my head to constantly shut the fuck up - but I know it doesn't listen. So, this means that I am always split, where there is what I have to force my attention to attend to, and what my attention will automatically attend to at the same time.
Multitasking is very ineffectual.
Brain injuries are not like a broken leg, there is no cast that can set it straight and there is surprisingly little guidance on what will even help. What I have learned though is that very few people understand it even at a basic level, which is not surprising, as I really think it is one of those "have to experience" it kinds of things and even then, there is a large degree of variation in how different people affected, especially depending on what parts of the brain have been damaged.
A lot of the advice from people is akin to telling someone with a snapped femur to "change their mind" about it, as if the "power of positive thinking" is going to heal the bone.
Willing to snap that sucker and put it to the test?
Didn't think so.
Right... time to pretend I am healthy and move onto other things.
Next post will be about something completely different.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Nah broh, you won't become a vegetable. Think positively and the universe will reward positively.
Well atleast that's what I live by.
Strongs with everything broh, I am more than certain you'll push through..
On a different note. Reading that "Sword of Damocles" gave me some shivers... I am certainly not questioning your history knowledge, but how did you attain knowledge of Damocles
Pretty sure I read the story as a kid at some point. It is an interesting thought experiment on human behavior, so it seems to have stick with me.
Glad you made it home. I was worried. In the next few day consider to spend less time on hive and more time with family over the holidays. I have 4 working days left this year and after that I plan on doing the same
Yeah, I am taking the week between Christmas and New year too, maybe a couple days after. Tomorrow, a midday massage is booked - I have worked enough hours to take a few here and there :)
Will you guys travel this year?
Yes taking family to India
A stroke is a huge mentally disturbing event as well as a physical one, especially in someone relatively young. Was there never a suggestion that psychiatric counselling maybe of benefit?
With absolute respect, has anyone suggested you have a psychosomatic illness brought on by the trauma you've been through?
Just thought it maybe an avenue you could explore as the mental anguish you're suffering now can only compound on what has gone before which could lead you into a hellish spiral of doom.
I hope you get answers. Soon.
Best wishes to you and your family.
It is possible that it is psychosomatic, but unlikely in this case. They think it could be that the nerve signals aren't being interpreted well in the brain. I think it is something different again though, but not sure what the cause or treatment would be.
I think it is less anguish and more disappointment in the way it has all played out. Perhaps if was religious, I would have someone to blame or rely on, perhaps saying that it is retribution for a past life or something :)
The risk of spiralling is quite high though for these kinds of things. Mild stroke patients are something like 10-20x more likely to suicide than normal population and I think it comes down to the frustration and lack of clear steps for anything that can help.
How come the CT Scan can't find anything? But that's the reality, right?
I still always hope that someone can recover from their illness, including you who are actually "recovered" from your stroke. I believe that the power of "positive thinking" is always at work in many ways.
and to be honest, Mr. @tarazkp, I'm really curious about your follow up post about this which you describe as "something completely different".
Everything looked normal on the CT, so that is good. It also showed that the point of the stroke in the brain has healed okay.
Positive thinking only goes so far, but some people think that it will perform miracles.
Not sure what the next post will be about yet :)
Your humor, though dry, is still quite intact! Do you chuckle as you write these things? I'm wondering if you feel more alive when you write a joke, because the page comes more alive for me.
There is something you can do, there are lots of things you can do. My first thought was pine needle tea. Look up its benefits and see what you think. It's delicious too, with your sweetener of choice. Besides being credited with improving brain function and mental clarity, it has shikimic acid in it, and is being touted among the vaccine injury community as a possible therapy for blood clots.
I'm glad you're home.
Occasionally. Less so these days :) I have always valued wit and humor and I have generally had a pretty dark approach personally, which isn't always everyone's cup of tea. But, better to have some humor than none at all.
I have never heard of pin needle tea before - will check it out. They do a birch sap drink here which is pretty good though :)
Congratulations @tarazkp! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)
Your next target is to reach 1270000 upvotes.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out the last post from @hivebuzz:
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!
Cool superpower it'll be 💪🏻
Wow, reading this content you made me feel like myself a certain time i always thought i had HIV even without having sex and it was because the rate at which it was then was high only for me to find out that I had none lol, Truth be said the mindset is Very powerful it makes you think so many bad stuff which are not i am glad you got home safe and you are too young to have such a sickness stroke, you are well to me and you will be fine.
Not long ago, The Tube of You decided to recommend to me a video about the best foods that help blood vessels get clean from whatever clogs them up. I remember two things that sound Italian, one most certainly is, and both are very hard to spell. Rucola and Parmegano A.K.A. Parmesan. They could even fit well into the same salad. (In general, it was about the proper vitamins).
Also, Dandelions seem to be of the same kin with that rucola dude. And I remember lot of those springing up in my garden last spring. Perhaps I should start taking precautions and turn herbivorous.
A Vegetable or a Herbivore...such a choice.
Take care! Stress less.
You are going through a rough patch mate, and I hear that. It's hard to offer anything that will help that hasn't been already said. I'm sorry you feel so disconnected and hope you find a way out of that sooner than later.
Funny I had a DM in the garden withy bro in law yesterday. He tends to do that, just chat about deep shit. We are kinda the same age, I guess an age when you think about your mortality in the face of it all, life's purpose and all that. How to live a meaningful life knowing you are going to die any time, get sick, lose people, even facing the death of humanity as we face the last seconds to midnight. Buddhists of many kinds meditate on illness and death as practice, as if life is a preparation to die. Where do we find comfort in that? Yes, to connect, but sometimes it's not necessary connecting to fellow humans (although that's GOOD), it's connecting to the entire universe. We are all dust, stardust to be hippy about it, from chickens to leaves to ants to clouds to rivers to your great uncle Peter. And if that's not connected I don't know what is. This idea helped me enormously when I was on my knees, metaphorically, when Dad was dying.
We find our ways through. Sometime the journey there sucks balls..
And do keep your dark humour. It's a good brain function thing I reckon. Helps see the cosmic joke of it all.
It's good to see you and maybe you need a holiday to destress and to take your mind off things.
Difficult I know, as this new thing with all of its uncertainties are not easy to shake out of the thoughts.
Just go with it, one day at the time, and enjoy the journey, this is more important.
Glad to here you are back at home. I was pray for your health. I think you are going for holiday with your family. You can spend your time with your family i think you can feel more relaxe. I am always praying for those who admin in hospital. Its very tough time for patients and his family.
Good that CT came back with nothing, bad that CT came back with nothing.
Control the controllable, like what you eat, identify the toxins you may be exposed to, lifestyle, and wish you that everything will get better from here on.
You know I sometimes have this feeling, the meaningless of life. However, in a while, I find something to be happy or busy with, even simple things. I think we should have a goal in general in life, otherwise we might fall into this emptiness from time to time.
That’s not good man, it’s difficult for sure as I’ve seen people in various states of that and it’s different for everyone but equally challenging in their own right.
One of the things, thinking about the situation as a whole, perhaps you could add in some additional vitamins, even simple and inexpensive ones. Vitamin D with vitamin K is shown to do incredible work at removing calcium plaque in the vessels that build up over time. Those plaques can cause cerebrovascular accidents, it sounds like the one you had in the past was more on the aneurysm part rather than constriction but it could help! There’s a lot of good and promising research out there in that regard and the combination is usually not more than 20 or 30$ for a 60 day supply. I know you likely take all kinds of shit but some of the basics could go a long way!
As well, the people around you may not enjoy it but adding fresh garlic into your diet at one bulb a day is proven to do wonders for blood pressure and that corresponds to brain health since a common occurrence for people that end up with neurological episodes and issues is high blood pressure that causes weakening of the membrane in one of the vessels. Being able to assist our body at lowering the blood pressure goes a good way to reducing the risk overall.
You may think both of these are horse shit but I have experience with these types of things myself in my own health and with my wife and her health issues, so my anecdotal evidence suggests it does well. But then someone could say that lifting your right ankle and touching your left ear and farting will fix an issue so take it for what it’s worth! Lol
Human body has an amazing ability to heal, you just got to let it by removing barriers and nourish it.
After a major trauma, the effect often lingers even after recovery, is it physical still or psychological? You have to decide for yourself if you can’t figure it out after doing all the tests.
Now the pills, if there is a way naturally through diet, that could be much better.
Maybe something you are doing daily is still making the association to the incident, time to change it up if possible?
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing these feelings/symptoms @tarazkp, but thankful there's no evidence of more clotting.
Feeling disconnected, your head floating, and the feeling of impending doom, was exactly how I felt when going through a major clinical depression.
This can happen after a TBI/ABI, so it may be worthwhile exploring that avenue.
There's no 'snapping out of it' as many told me at the time! The brain chemistry is affected and requires medical as well as holistic treatment.
Do you tell a diabetic to 'think positively' and stop using insulin?
There's much written about TBI/ABI causing a major depression -
https://www.flintrehab.com/brain-injury-and-depression/
It's been a long road, hoping that you start feeling better soon @tarazkp.
Glad to read you are well.
I am sure your body is much stronger than you think so we can count on @tarazkp posts for many more years :)
It's time to destress for a bit, a bit more focus on the things you love, spend time with the people who matter the most. Maybe even a little vacation will help.
Take it easy for a while man. Cheers 🥃
I do not exactly understand what your health concern is but yes it is surely disturbing you a lot. I am writing this to you as one of my friend was going through some similar kind of situation and symptoms. I am not sure again if all your symptoms are same but may be it can give you some perspective and sometimes the solutions are simple and all we need to do it is look with a different perspective. He was always feeling short of breath and would feel like he would pass out any time. He did all the possible test, suffered for around 4 years. One of the Doctor could finally identify what was triggering all of it and it was a severe food allergy to some of the foods that was triggering through out the body and making him lifeless.
It is possible that you may have all together a different problem which I am not able to relate to but most commonly all our health problems lie in our foods and if that is corrected it eases out the problem. There are comprehensive Gut and DNA test which if not done you should look into it, because I am sure problem can be identified in that as they go very deep. You may check out the test at this lab Diagnostics Laboratory
Yoi may also want to consider getting onto a Autoimmune diet.
Wish you speedy recovery and Good Health.
The wise ones live remembering and numbering their days. Death is not sickness and feeling unwell doesn't mean death is knocking. When man is entering a new phase in life age wise, the body systems changes too. This is not a death coming my dear friend. I love your resolutions pretending that you're not sick and in no distant time you would have forgotten how you once felt.
Oh no! So sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, @tarazkp. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must to A) Feel this way and B) Be told that they cannot find what is causing it...bummer. Is this the verdict coming from the neurology doc's? They have the edge when it comes to catching things the others don't (I can attest to this, as it took a neurology consult to pick up on my CRPS brain damage, which took a looong time...)
I really hope that by the time you are reading this reply you are feeling better, and that God awful, underlying feeling that you are having has well and truly buggered off.
Sending healing vibes.
Annabelle 🤕