“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg
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We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis
My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang
If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett
A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson
Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney