How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
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How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney
Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre
Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones
Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp
I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.'” – Stewart Francis
My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans