Yesterday
20 May 2023
I've seen lots of conversation about awkward topics around here, recently, and that makes me hopeful.
Because it's only when we're able to "see" the things we aren't comfortable with, and have the conversations about them that we probably should have, that we may be able to address and change things.
“Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
But this has always been something I've found around here and that's exactly why I've stayed.
Part of The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
Read from the beginning >>
It's not financially driven.
For me.
Anymore.
Although it is very satisfying, still, to have that kind of validation.
Only human after all.
It's Not (actually) About the Money...
Today I walked to the village to buy my single cigarettes. Usually four. But today I have this in my only one bank account.
And I had around R3.70 I managed to dig up in change.
So I walked, barefoot of course, to the local shop to get two cigarettes today instead.
I was not stressed at all about this.
Although it's a liddle windy today, the sky is clear and the sun is still shining. The earth and ground felt amazing on my feet. The wind was gentle and soothing.
I passed another regular walker with his dog. A predictable daily event now. I suspect he likes me a bit. We made eye contact and smiled. And today I added a familiar "hello" as well.
The shop assistant is very beautiful! 👀
Both of them are. But the young man, who is also a mad gamer, is usually pale with PubG fatigue. So him beautiful as the beautiful human he is.
It's the young woman who served me today.
A new mom who works seven days a week at times. I've seen her passing by on my evening trips back to the village, when I smoke too much and buy an extra cigarette or two, on her way home. Pushing her young child in a pram. In the now almost dark.
It's a long day for a new mother, I think. That's all I think as I walk by, these days. I have been there. Perhaps this is why I am able to "see" it. She's also a woman of color in South Africa.
I do not need to know more than this, these days.
She is remarkably beautiful!
Every day I see her, and it's still barefoot in my pajamas with my hair in a bun and under a cap now, because traveling for six months and, and... every day, she is immaculately groomed and made up. And every time my eyes meet hers, a kind of stupid, stunned grin hits my face while I try not to show how impressed I am by her self-care and self-respect. Immaculate, I tell ya! She should be on the cover of a magazine somewhere for realsies.
Despite her busy and must be exhausting days.
It's interesting how some people can have so much and still be so unhappy.
Don't you think?
And this isn't a judgment of any kind. It's just an observation. Probably because I've been there and I can't imagine why I was ever so anxious and afraid.
These days.
As I walked towards the counter I dropped a coin and it rolled under one of the shelves.
The woman doing her shopping in front of me looked surprised at my determination to dig that single bronze coin back out from under those shelves. Once upon a time I would've shrugged and forgotten it immediately as well.
These days...
it seems important to respect what I have a bit more.
I couldn't reach it, however, and when I got to the counter and the beautiful shop assistant raised her hand with four fingers extended to double check my order, I shook my head and said, "Only two today. But I just dropped... (checking my handful of coins) 50c and I don't know if I have enough now."
Two single cigarettes costs R3.
She didn't even blink an eye.
Far from the clear embarrassment, yesterday evening, when I ran my card for the final time (until I actually remember to invoice that client done today) while the store owner stood there avoiding eye contact...
or you may miss the whole point of this part of the journey in full.
It's enough to just "listen" to this story.
Honestly.
That's the point of all this effort and sharing.😊
And if you can't quite believe me, yet, that's totally cool too.
So where where we? Oh...
Far from the clear embarrassment, yesterday evening, when I ran my card for the final time (until I actually remember to invoice that client) while the store owner stood there avoiding eye contact...
the shop assistant today just smiled and confirmed I had enough and even some change. Around 20c.
I put it into the charity tin, as I left smiling, and told her she could do the same with the renegade 50c coin if it turned up.
Not an uncomfortable moment between us.
I guess she's walked through the fire of this particular fear as well. Nice!
Yesterday, however, I felt the need to explain I'd gotten stuck into a creative burst on an art project I'm working on and had simply forgotten to invoice a client.
To lessen the awkwardness of the situation. Yes. I still care about what people think, until I remind myself it's not usually my experience they are actually "seeing"... and yes... I do still have some codependency that I have to check regularly.
But also... I do want people to see know...
that how money you have does not change things all that much.
Honestly.
I know this now because I'm walking it.
And I'm okay.
Despite still being in pretty awkward circumstances myself.
Life really is about perspective and we actually do "create" our reality in many ways.
If not entirely.
Of course... some people hurt other people because of their own skewed perspective. And life and people can be cruel and brutal both. And so can we. As individuals, I mean. We can ignore this plain fact. Or we can observe it in order to understand ourselves, and thus our surroundings and experience, better.
And, possibly, change things. And who's afraid of the dark anyway?! Spoiler. We all are!
My votes and earnings around here have declined over the last bit.
I imagine because I'm having another awkward conversation. As well as my resistance to stick to any one "group" or community. I just don't believe this "lives" with blockchain "ethos". But that's just me. I love all the communities and I support everyone.
I don't believe any one of us can say we are "right" all of the time. Or "wrong" all of the time either.
In fact... I suspect we often get the two mixed up entirely! 😁
Whatever it is... I'm not too fussed.
Because I don't allow money to motivate my decisions or dictate my behaviour.
Anymore.
But that's another part of the story...
Today I'd like to share my experience of the "tough conversations" we'd all rather avoid because they're uncomfortable and even painful at times.
The same thing happened when I began to share on the mental health industry some years ago. And more honestly about my own experience.
And that's okay now as well. Because I understand why this happens now. And because I took the time to understand why people's reactions affected me quite so much. And I fixed that.
I carried on speaking my truth regardless and an amazing thing happened. Doing just this is what "fixed" my fear of judgement in full. It did take some years of walking it and it was very fucking painful at times. warning
Another interesting fact...
Anything becomes acceptably mainstream if it's aired and observed long enough, you know.
Sometimes it even becomes popular!
So...
I'm totally okay with being "poor" now.
And I'm okay with people not wanting to engage because of "The Their Shadow" now.
What a relief! Whew!
Now I get to make and share what I authentically believe is relevant and "good" art/literature...
instead of only trying to create content that keeps people happy enough to pay me for it. Did that my whole life and it ruined the magic
I'm a Fine Artist by a very certified University Degree, y'know, f*ck formal education, quite frankly, and I'll share why I think this one day... perhaps. I missed that prompt as well.
But basically... fighting the good fight with the institution that took it upon themselves to grant me this very expensive degree taught me that authenticity, in the arena of art anyway, rules the day.
And, because of both of these experiences and a few more, money is not my primary motivation, these days.
I was also privileged enough to be born into money and never had to survive-forever-with-little-way-out, because of our social constructs around wealth. Lucky, lucky me.
So I have no judgment of people who can't get enough of the stuff.
Honestly. I've also felt absolute rage with the wealthy elite, and desperation at times, on this journey. It sucks being poor. You have no real idea how much it sucks, at times, unless you've had the misfortune/good fortune of the actual experience.
But I am privileged. I am educated. And I have many, many skills because I love to learn and have consistently. So I reckon I can find some ground again financially. This is not permanent. It has, however, been both a terrifying and fantastic experience both. For my personal growth.
And my "liberation".
I had to face myself to free myself though. And it sucked. Big time, at times.
But, since I got to know myself better and accept myself more...
I'm no longer scared of "the dark" anything much anymore. almost entirely
So how well do you know yourself, do you think? And how sure are you that it is actually me that:
You like/hate/are annoyed with/love/think is arrogant/stupid/brilliant/wanna fuck/dance with/you get the drift.
I mean... how well do you think you know yourself? 😊
Really, really...
?
And, more importantly (!), what are you afraid of?
Thanks for watching ❤️ If you got this far 😊
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
If I had to chance to read this year ago, I would probably laugh and think that you possibly have some issues with life perspective when it comes about money.
Luckily I am reading this now, in money detaching phase, living with 90% less income comparing to the last year. Transition was rough, I was anxious about my wallet (still sometimes), about things I am used to buy (out of boredom, just for the sake of spending)... Lifestyle I used to have is totally different from reality I am living now...
Do I breath easier now knowing that I can live with less money then I am used to, yes!
It took me away from burdensome consumerism and brought me lot's of "how can you" questions.
Oh I hear you. I look back and can't believe how much I had. And I still thought I was struggling financially.
It's so interesting, huh?
Mine began with the court debacle so I was a year ahead of COVID and it's impact. I watched people go through the process. Brutal in many ways.
All I could share was that it's quite wonderful. In the end. If you use the experience to adjust, instead of trying to keep things the same. Fight the change, I mean.
In many ways... losing everything was the best thing that ever happened to me. As much as it was the worst :)
Isn't life incredible ?
I choose to try and take the learning and make good from it. But I come from a family of natural Stoics. Big time.
❤️
Deepest secret of humanity, it's never enough!
Some thing must fall apart and make room for the new ones, we can't have it all and we shouldn't!
Oh, nice to meet you, same here, same here...
:)
Bring back the Stoics!
But with the ability to see what we are in more clearly so we can march on trying to change it. Yeah
Found this, this morning... (fakebook link - you've been duly warned - but it's worth it!)
https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=690703769733368&set=a.441651937971887
Haven't read nothing better said than this in a while!
Thanks for sharing even it's on dully FB 😵
[fakebook hahah]
:D Yep. Fakebook it is and shall remain until people aren't afraid to be themselves. But I suspect Facebook punishes them if they try so...
It's pretty good, huh? Worth the daily visit to stay i touch with some good people who aren't ready to shift yet. <3
Everyone should embrace their darkness!
It's marvelous to be happy in yourself as it truly transcends the feeling that you have to have money to be happy. It's hard though as that is a message that is drummed into everyone from the moment they are born. Everything is so bad now with the wealthy snapping up more and more leaving less and less.
This makes me remember when one of my guy is replying a certified dude that ,if I did not have money you won’t my friend and I correct him and said ,no one have enough it’s just contentment ,if you are driven by what you don’t have you won’t ever have enough
Genius.
That's so very much how it seems to work for most of us.
And I'd add... that if we do create our own reality (and we seem to) then focusing on how much we don't have creates that reality despite how much we do have!
Isn't that an interesting spin? :D
I so love how you included about how you experienced that your votes and earnings were declining but, still it is not about the money after all and I could relate with you. As for me, what matters is the ability to share my thoughts freely and meeting amazing friends like you is a bonus, my dear friend, nickel. And I must say, it is not all about the money but staying for the community after all. Best regards my dear friend.
!PIZZA
I don't know if this is a typo but it's brilliant :D
Yes to connection. And yes to money - as long as it doesn't destroy connection, please!
Thanks for stopping by, lovely soul 👣<3
I will not lie Nickie. I am a bit afraid of you now. Like, just reading this and I honestly want to just pull you so close and hug the ever loving shit out of you while running away and screaming for the hills at the same time. Is that normal?
Your mind is a maze! I mean, I read people and pretty much understand a bit of them from what I read but you...an enigma! And I am now so very intrigued (and scared) and want to know you better. Be friends! Like actual friends because it is not everyday I meet people like you. And now, I have learned to go for something I want.
I don't know. Do I really know myslef? Maybe. Maybe not. I try though. I have doubts and insecurities but mostly, I have motivations born from fear and anger. We should talk sometime. If you want to. I mean, I really like you. A lot.
Wow. Hello :D
Yes please!
I love fearless adventurers. I'm in! 100%.
Are you on Discord, perhaps?
Nah... I don't any of us every fully know ourselves. Honestly. It takes, I think, being fearless enough to go for new experiences and open up to them. It's how we learn, really so. I've been stubborn enough to keep on walking through the fire. But it took a total nuclear explosion to get me to finally let go!
Not all my doing at all. Fate? Dunno. Gods and stuff? Dunno.
I do know that what a person focuses on increases and I was obsessively curious. So... careful what you wish for!
I'm fine angel. I've gone hungry. I lived through the night. At first stuff like this is terrifying. But, after a while, it's just another moment that will pass. Because you've been there before and it passed! See? Everything passes. It's inevitable. Change is inevitable.
In fact. It's the ONLY constant thing in this world. Change :)
So yeah. Four years of this experience and I'm used to it now. You know what strikes me most? Some people live like this their whole lives! They must be really strong, huh?! WOW.
Send Discord if you have one and let's connect and share experiences :) I'd love to hear more about you <3
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I get a visit from you twice in one day!! Whoop whoop!
Sending love, HiveBuzz. ❣️
Love is in the air 😍
!LUV
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Fluffy kittens and rainbows everywhere :D
Hey there Nicky 🤗
It's interesting to read about these personal experiences in your daily life.
I think everyone owes themselves to finding their freedom and discovering who they are to the core.🙌
Thanks for your #KISS
I enjoyed it 😉
lips sealed
Thanks, M.
Shedding is a BIG part of that. And finding freedom. The material should be first to go, I reckon. I'm understanding more why many people who were "seeking" practiced asceticism these days.
It works!
Happy Monday, beautiful 😍
😍
I feel that there's a reason why we read or see things when we do. Probably because the universe knows if we saw it a year earlier or even a day earlier, we wouldn't be able to understand or see the message it's clearly sending.
To be very honest, I know firsthand what it means to have everything go down the drain. Like the rug is swept under your feet. And I struggle everyday not to be sad but to be glad of the things I've learnt. Like it or not, you'd be able to see a lot more things when you're no longer on your high horse. It's like scales are pulled from your eyes and suddenly, you can actually see.
Yes!
We hide behind so much of the material facade to protect ourselves :)
When it's ripped away (as you describe it) we have to walk "naked" in the world and endure the fear projected on to us, as well as our own fears around why we use these defenses, and this really helps a person remove a lot of noise and understand themselves and the world around them far better!
Well said, fellow traveler :D
I know now why so many spiritual seekers practice asceticism! It "works"!!
Sending love on Monday. You're "enough" just as you are. But I suspect you know this already <3 👣
And so it's left for us to make the effort in finding ourselves, without all that materialism and vanity. Truly seeking out ourselves.
Saying this as my mantra for the rest of the week. I am enough. Thank you so much dear. Lots of !luv and hugs.
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Perfect! :D
And in case you forget:
YOU ARE ENOUGH!! ❤️
You aren't "poor" you are just "broke" ;)
Does it all come back down to experiencing it? Experiencing having money and not having it, I guess both ways can be liberating and frightening at the same time...
I love reading through your thoughts, recognizing myself at times and at others not at all! And then you keep on reminding me not to give a fuck about what people think... I think you are a beautiful human, but is it really you? is it really me? (this one I like, going to remember it!) ...but maybe we just need to remember that we can never be sure and that will be enough.
💛
"And the truth shall set you free"
BOOM!
I knew you were a Pippin from the get go. 👣👣 <3
😄😊😘😘
I like to do that too, even when it's the last of my coins in my pocket. All the time I thought it was my goodness. Now I'm not so sure. There's an assumption that everything we do, we do it for ourselves. Now I ask myself that question every time. What did I just do it for?)
I don't have a clear answer yet...
Thousands of things. Many things stretch back to my childhood. The main fear is to remain another nobody in the world...
!ALIVE
!PGM
!PIZZA
!LOLZ
!LUV
!HUG
!CTP
!invest_vote
!hiqvote
Well then I think you may enjoy what's coming next. I hope anyway.
p.s. Aren't we all? But it's not actually that.
You are one of the most "woke" and courageous humans I've met. You will find the answers you seek if you just keep on asking the right questions and allowing the answers to rise. Promise!
Stay you!
<3
🙌💜💛💙🙌
Yes, I think it's going to be interesting.)
!ALIVE
!invest_vote
@nickydee! You Are Alive so I just staked 0.1 $ALIVE to your account on behalf of @stdd. (12/20)
The tip has been paid for by the We Are Alive Tribe through the earnings on @alive.chat, feel free to swing by our daily chat any time you want.
!LUV
!PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
@nickydee just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @stdd.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/1 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
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I can enjoy my day with little to no money. But I am pleased when I have a few dollars in my pocket for coffee and beer. And I love to give, today I gave two coins on top for my drinks.
I love you already :)
Thanks for saying hello!
I feel the same. I feel really grateful I have a roof, food and, sometimes, can buy cookies!
But I've been unable to afford to eat and, once, thought I was going to end up living on the street so...
I know how much I actually do have, these days.
Thank you for connecting ❣️