I looked at my post title and contemplated a couple of times before publish this. There's so many questions in my head and I don't think they'll ever be cohesive as much as I'd like to be. Do you know what it feels like to be in the middle of being so pumped up and being so pooped out?
As someone of multiple interests, I tend to get myself into all sorts of things. Recently, you may have seen me around Twitch - streaming or participating in chat - or in some Discord server.
Or not, the world's too big, lol.
I am slowly getting traction in these areas and believe me when I say that I am excited! Never did I imagine meeting new people this early and I am super grateful for that. It seems like the people skills I've been working on has been paying off but it's also something I dread.
I know how eager I can get and I feel it's starting to take toll on me. I'm losing track of things, sleep's starting to feel like it's a waste of precious hours being awake, and I just can't stop. It's probably because I'm in a race against time. I've been unemployed for almost a year now and funds are draining quickly. I took some loans that I am not even sure if I can pay off soon and that's some dumb move, really. There's no one to blame for except for me. That makes me angry as I could've done so much before but everything's just stuck at step one. No progress was made, maybe little, sure. But I can't put anything out for my sake because I'm nitpicky as hell.
Yes, yes. Hive is a mixture of people who likes money from content creation and people who genuinely just want to share things to the world. I am both. I grew up writing as a kid. I like money. I need the money. But every time I type anything, even if it's about something I find fun or interesting, I keep going back and forth per sentence. Or even per phrase. Is my grammar even right? Are my punctuation marks at the right places? Is the header photo good enough? Is this even worth publishing?
No. Nothing's good enough for you until you find it in yourself that it is good enough.
I only realized that now while I'm writing my feelings away. Or whatever these are. Now it's obvious to all of us that I have regrets. And when it comes this, they're a lot.
I regret not letting myself loose. Why did I not let the words flow out and then see what happens later? Why am I so concerned about an image I have made up for myself when no one really cares? This is the internet. Why give so much pressure on that? I hate how I grew into a person who is so critical of themself. I wish I knew better.
I regret taking too many strides in one go rather than moving slow and steady. Now I'm struggling to put myself sleep because I feel like I'll miss out on things. What are those things? I don't even know! It's illogical and logical at the same time to me.
I regret so much more than those but all this rambling is emptying my head.
Maybe I needed to let it all out.
Maybe I forgot to breathe and now we're here imploding again.
Maybe this is step two and then I need to work some more for step three.
Maybe I swept everything else under the rug.
Well, whatever. I gotta get moving as everyone else does. Gotta hustle.
I am not sure why you clicked on this. But if you reached the end, thank you for stopping by and watching me scream into the void.
What happens if you don't pay? Can you preempt that and although funds are draining if they are enough to pay then the loans are less concerning and you only have 1 problem left. I don't know the situation obviously but work seems like something you will have to get, it might also help to not only bring in income but provide focus on the projects etc you are involved in by prioritizing for long-term growth.
Obviously still dabble in many many things as for waiting for something to be perfect, nothing will ever get built if we wait for perfection. I find myself never starting anything and use that exact excuse "critical of myself" but I personally don't really care I just don't like to fail publicly. Best way to not fail is to never do I guess.
In my time on Hive I still have "standards" for my main account for the most part but even though I tend to write as I like I know very well what image I have projected, so I have other accounts for other things. Obviously nothing is harder than changing your own expectations of yourself so a little more carefree is good, think of it like, how in the past you maybe felt this exact anxiety you are feeling now, the pressure and how if you now think of that time it can almost seem comical that you had that reaction.
I think for me a big part of interaction and self-expectation is to be aware of how much relevance I give things emotionally and when I look at what may come then it can help to not be pressured and become anxious. With some objective observation, many things can seem rather silly actually. Obviously, you do have real problems and I hope you solve them in a way that provides some balance.
!PIZZA !LUV
I don't know what happens if I don't pay on time as I initially wanted to pay it the soonest I could. The loans are from a friend and not from a banking institution so maybe I'm not in much of a crazy situation after all.
But anyhow, yes, it is what it is! Gotta keep moving and eventually find that balance I'd love to have. Thank you for stopping by, Pen!
Bat parang nakakarelate ako dito? baka naman pwede pag usapan. If loan yan, pay them the interest lang muna if the main amount isn't feasible.
'Di pa ko nagtatanong kasi shy girl aku unu
Heya arc - you are doing fine. All of us are making stupid and rash decision at times except kung perfect ka like Adam.
I like money for content thus I decided to not care at all with naysayers kung ano ang post ko. I tend to step away from the perfectionist side of me and just post whatever comes up with my mind na.
Okay lang yan, drain the baggages tapos kuha ka ulit ng itatambak mo. If ever you have some concerns and need someone to talk to we are here uWu.
uwu thanks tp! At least pag may baggage dito, pwede paring gawing pera. Char
I'm here because @penderis shared the post. I know exactly how you feel and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can tell you that it does make you stronger when you get to the other side. I will share my intro post with you, although I don't expect you to do what I did. You may get a few ideas though and if you ever did want to try, I followed you and you can ask me anything. I am happy to help out.
!PIZZA
Hey wannabescrapper! I took a look at it and found it amusing! I'd do that one day when I'm not attached to the things I used to own, haha. It's been a long time since I tinkered with things. Thank you for suggesting this!
Good choice yung nag optout ka sa boxbot, makakatulog ka ng mahimbing.
Nakatulog nga wala namang mapatay. Pff!
Arc... A little !LUV for you. 🤗
I hope you let it all out. If not, rant pa.
No need to care about what other people think because people are so busy thinking about themselves. Sometimes people care, but often they don't. So no need to mind others' opinion. Just be you.
If people don't like you for who you really are, it's their problem, their loss actually.
Let all your drafts come out! I'm really looking forward to reading them. Babaan mo standards mo minsan, no need to be perfect.
Di ko na alam pinagsasabi ko. Malayo na ata ako sa topic. 😂
I think kulang ka lang talaga sa tulog. Matulog ka rin kasi 😂
Tulog ka nang mahimbing!
Kailangan maganda ang content kasi maganda ako. Charing.
Matulog ka rin kaya, Witty?!
Ay wow! Wala akong panlaban dyan.. Sige lang 😂😂😂
Natutulog ako.. Tulog ako now while typing..
Ikaw d pa rin tulog.. -1% yung kagandahan pag d nakatulog nang mahimbing
Pokus sa goal iwan pamilya
😖
We all need time to sit back and try to reflect, so post away in here for that! Lol I’ll tell you it feels good to do it but also not go nuts about the small things like punctuation. We aren’t perfect!
I hear you on missing out on things and sacrificing some sleep to get it done. I’ve slept less than id like to lately and it’s certainly tiring but at the same time there are a lot of different things to get into that it can be overwhelming but exciting. I’ve made it a point though to go to bed by a certain time so that I have a minimum of sleep. That’s an important rule to keep! Without adequate sleep our brains and bodies don’t work well so try to get some sleep in there and the others will come with time!
I get that we aren't perfect and we'll never be, but I forget about it wayyy too often! Gotta work on that for sure.
You know, after posting this, I've started to pay more attention to the time! I'm still forcing myself to leave the desk but in the long run, I'm sure I can get used to it.
Yay! 🤗
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