Hey, sister. I'm glad to see you're back. π I'm sorry to hear that you spiralled so deeply in your absence. π’ (Note: for some reason all your clever? funny? sarcastic? memes/photos aren't showing up at my end, so I may have missed some depth and nuance to your post because of this)
As usual, I've tried talking to different people about it, and they, while being well-meaning the whole time, provided different viewpoints and answers which I take in with a grain of salt. I admit that I found a lot of difficulty in processing their answers.
I feel that there are one of those times in which, when I do share what's on my mind or what I'm going through, it either gets trivialized, or it gets preached at, which isn't exactly motivating on my end, and instead encourages me to continue keeping these difficult and controversial thoughts to myself to avoid judgment.
Then let me do now what I always aim to do (and occasionally f--- up!) which is to ask: "How are you doing right now?"
Imagine me sitting here listening to your answer (in the comments :P) and know that I will not judge, will definitely not trivialise and that you can expect zero preaching (or name-calling! I can't believe people call you a brat or entitled just because you're expressing how you're feeling!! Or are you just doing that to yourself inside your own mind? π€)
OK, so I'm ready to listen. Are you ready? Feel free to tell me anything at all that you feel like expressing (on a public blockchain π ) I'm all ears...
Hi @consciouscat! It's very good to be back here again and seeing you after a looooong period of trying-so-hard-to-figure-out-what-the-hell-I-am-doing-with-my-life.
All is well physically on my end: I am healthy, quite lacking on the sleep department, lost a bit of weight, and just perpetually physically and emotionally exhausted from work and all of life's demands and expectations, but I am taking things one at the time and taking things slow, and trying to break the habit of "living in the future" that hasn't come or "living in a world that only exists in my head", instead living today and facing today.
All the news and negativity about elections here in my country and also what is happening on the other side of the world in ukraine wasn't helping either.
Just yesterday, I got to visit the sea after weeks of being cooped up at home and at work, surrounded by a lot of paper works with very little human contact, and just being in a sub-optimal space.
Sometimes I vacillate to and from the paralyzing dread and being functional and numb, which doesn't really help my self-sabotaging tendencies.
The breeze was great yesterday and I wish I could afford going to the sea more especially that the city where I am in is actually just right by it.
Yes, I admit: It's really more of a self judgment then what I actually hear from other people, but nothing that I can't sense. Just a week ago, I had a row with senior co-worker of mine, and I wasn't entirely happy with it.
They weren't pretty happy about me establishing boundaries either (lol), but I'm learning to place my own priorities over other people's urgencies. It's just something veeery difficult to unlearn. π₯²
Hello You. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you made a point of going to the sea and that you're learning to prioritise self-care and learning to speak your boundaries. These are all wins in my mind πππ
I'm like you: I get stuck, frustrated and feeling like I'm getting nowhere when I try to 'figure out my life', but when I do something that feels soothing and good and helps me get present then I feel better and my problems or worries seem easier to deal with somehow. Even if my problem isn't different, because I feel different, the problem feels different. I think that's what you're saying, right?
Bummer that school/work feels so hard. I think that just managing to function right now is actually a huge achievement. We're living through unprecented times. Sh*t is hard. We can't be (you can't be) expected to be an emotionally intelligent, super kind, awesome genius all the time π€£ Besides, in case you forgot, on top of everything you currently mentioned, did you forget that you also lived through a Super Typhoon??? That's epic my love. Truly epic (in size and difficulty, not awesomeness ππ)
So I do hope you're giving yourself a break. If you haven't killed anyone, haven't completely lost your sh*t at anyone (in such a way that it wasn't repairable) and you haven't hurt yourself more than getting a bit too drunk once or twice (or thrice!) then, in my books, you are doing okay.
Roxanne, even if you feel like crap (mentally/emotionally), even if you "think you could/should do better", even if you're cranky at yourself for not being the amazing role model you know you're capable of - you're alive, you're breathing, you're expressing yourself and tomorrow or the next day or next week or next month you'll have more clarity about your life and you'll be able to do "better" at the things that are important to you because you'll feel better... if you just keep looking after you.
--
Okay, that was my attempt at listening in a non-judgemental way. It turned into cheerleading and encouragement and, it seems, advice to keep doing what you're already doing.
Do I need to be slapped for being another annoying person who doesn't listen or did we do okay? πππ€π€ππ !LOL
π€π€π€πππ Sending !LUV either way!
π₯Ίπ₯Ίπ₯Ί Thank you @consciouscat. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I got caught up in work and a lot of stuff.
And yes you did well. Very well actually. In terms of clarity I need for my life? I'm getting there, and I have a good feeling that I'll definitely get there. The only thing I have to deal with now is the patience I need to get there, because just like everyone else, I realize have been impatient a lot, mostly towards myself.
Thank you for the reminder β€οΈ and for bringing me down to earth from the feedback loop from hell π . You're a great person @consciouscat.ππππ
π€ I'm glad it helped. And you're so very welcome @proteancreator. πππ