It comes, it goes, like waves at the beach. However, lately, the unwelcomed visitor stayed past its welcome, much worse than "Aunt Irma".
You probably asked where I went the past few weeks, and this will be one of the (many) times I will be bluntly honest-- I was going through a major funk.
Call it what you want: a slump, a downward spiral, a trip down the rabbit hole etc.
When people spiral, some people Netflix their way into oblivion, or numb themselves by random purchases, or stuff their mouth with more grease than they could stomach, or black out wasted and then go home with an amnesia for a night.
As for me? I did all of the above, in addition to the diminishing productivity I have at work and home.
Looking back, hopefully I am just stating this out in exaggeration, that all the human and non-human authority figures in my life would have probably disowned me by now because of the things I did and things I said.
I am not proud of it, and in no way am I romanticizing any of my bad and irresponsible life decisions weeks ago, coupled by grading season at school (ugh). I am simply explaining my absence in Hive as well as in the other areas of my life.
The funny thing about this fun circus of events is, all of these occurred while I was pondering on a certain question-- an assignment given to me in attempts to "get my life together":
"What will give you peace?"
As usual, I've tried talking to different people about it, and they, while being well-meaning the whole time, provided different viewpoints and answers which I take in with a grain of salt. I admit that I found a lot of difficulty in processing their answers.
I feel that there are one of those times in which, when I do share what's on my mind or what I'm going through, it either gets trivialized, or it gets preached at, which isn't exactly motivating on my end, and instead encourages me to continue keeping these difficult and controversial thoughts to myself to avoid judgment.
Call me a basket case, a person who can't get a grip, an immature entitled person who can't accept the harshness of reality, or who can't seem to get out of her head? I've heard it all, and probably heard much worse. I realized that there is a very thin line between being a bitter, spoiled brat and an overly hopeful person who can't seem to cope with the idiosyncrasies of the fickle Goddess of Chance.
But like everyone else, no one in the world (including myself) has the right to demand a certain type of validation from the people who love them, who can only do so much as limited human beings and are only doing their best to help in the ways they know how.
The overwhelming news of Russia's Attack on Ukraine, the political negativity in social media with regards to the coming elections, all these along with my tendency to end up in isolating situations, I was sinking more and more into despair, overthinking and melancholia each day.
Frankly, it was getting more and more difficult to answer the question--
"What will give you peace?"
To be honest? Maybe I just want the world to stop turning for a while. With grading season at the moment, and everyone at work on the edge of a breakdown, the last few weeks feel like being in a roller coaster ride that I found fun at first, but now is turning my insides out as I desperately want to get off.
It's quite an interesting coincidence that the Russian invasion in Ukraine happened around the same time when the final season of Attack on Titan aired on Netflix. War, genocide, cycles of hate, struggles for power, historical narratives being passed on to perpetuate fear, anger and self-destruction --- themes I observed to be in parallel with the current conflict happening on the other side of the world.
People being evicted out of their homes, soldiers not a year older than any senior high student I am handling are being sent on to do the dirty work for their government.
War has never been gentlemanly, but I somehow had wished ethics and agreements based on the Geneva Convention still prevailed instead of being thrown out the window (and the sad thing is, we don't really know for sure up to what extent).
Propaganda is being aired here and there and it's almost quite easy right now to pin a certain person or a group of people as the bad guys. Parties right now on both sides of the Russia-Ukraine conflict are to some extent guilty for mass emotional swindling all posing to serve their "nation's best interest", perpetuating the already heavy tension in between at the expense of the lives eliminated by gunshots and bombs of those in both sides sandwiched by the conflict.
Aside from watching the final season of Attack on Titan and its lovely plot twists and amazing character backstories which immensely helped me reach realizations on the impact and complications of war and racial oppression in a form of anime, I also was able to read more doom and gloom literature and media: The Reader, Veronika Decides to Die, Flowers for Algernon,..
The bottom line of all the dark and gloomy things I've read is essentially this-- we are all at the mercy of chance, aaand the world is mad, cruel, and fallen, because everyone is. We are all fallen creatures and we can't do anything about it, because human beings are fallible. This path we're in is a one way trip to extinction and no matter what endearing characteristics we have, we're all going to die.
oooor maybe you're just addicted to sadness and negativity Roxanne?
Maybe I am...I have considered the possibility by the way, in fact just recently, I was called by one of my friends, a pessimist.
But I've been also listening to Alain de Botton's lectures, especially the one on Pessimism and Anger. To quote:
"Many of us today think that anger is sort of physiological problem, it’s to do with hot-blooded or something. Seneca thought that was non-sense. He believed that we get angry for a very simple reason - Optimism. Optimism makes us angry. And he compared a very interesting thing. He asked why people don’t get angry when it rains, particularly in Northern Europe. The reason why people don’t get angry when it rains is that we expect it to rain in England. It’s amazing if it doesn’t rain. So, it would not occur to anybody to be angry at the fact that it is raining. Now, the interesting thing is that we don’t adopt this wise approach in all areas of life. Think about our keys. We start shouting when lose the house keys. Or how we behave when we are stuck in traffic. Now essentially that is because we believe implicitly in a world where keys don’t go astray and the roads are always mysteriously traffic free. That’s a very very odd starting point for life. It’s our expectations that will define what will anger us." -- Alain De Botton
I used to feel bad about my pessimistic tendencies and all the complications that come with it, that sometimes I feel like I'm a burden, or a killjoy, when I talk to people quite opposite from being the life of the party-- it's one how the many reasons that introspection can be quite lonely.
But when the same friend told me that I could still use my pessimism to my advantage, it give me a sense of hope, light bulb turned on, that maybe I do not need to be as positive and motivated all the time as the rest of my peers after all, or have that one million drive to achieve a lot of things in a short span of time, or be pressured to live up to the many self-help books and moral guides I have read from cover to cover, and feminine energy quotes that I used to have faith in for a really long time. I can be pessimistic but still work towards what I want or make the most of what I have, without holding any resentment of the past and being too overly hopeful about the future. If this is how I will define peace, will I be able to give a definite answer to the question once and for all?
I guess that's what my therapist meant when he said "We all need to pick up our cross"
Roxanne Marie is the twenty-year-old something who calls herself the Protean Creator.
She is a chemical engineer by profession, pole-dancer and blogger by passion and frustration, and lastly, a life enthusiast. She is on a mission to rediscover her truth through the messy iterative process of learning, relearning and unlearning. Currently, she works as a science and research instructor in her hometown, Tagbilaran City, all the while documenting her misadventures, reflections and shenanigans as a working-class millennial here on Hive.
If you like her content, don't forget to upvote and leave a comment to show some love. It would be an honor to have this post reblogged as well. Also, don't forget to follow her to be updated with her latest posts.
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Dear @proteancreator , Do Filipinos like Japanese anime Attack on Titan? In the world I live in, Attack on Titan was popular for a while, but was soon forgotten. I felt that Attack on Titan symbolized the simple destructive and violent imagination of the Japanese!
I think geopolitically the Philippines should be worried about aggression from Vietnam and China!
Asians should probably be more concerned about the Chinese threat!
Dear @goldgrifin007, hmmm speaking from my generation and the Gen Z's, yes. A huge chunk of us are very into Japanese anime. Attack on Titan is a very well-plotted story and reflects the essentials of war and racial oppression (and it has running murderous giants lol).
I think so too and everyone in neighboring Asian countries (not only the PH) should be worried as well 🥲. This is actually the reason why I find the Russian invasion in Ukraine troublesome. 🥲🥲🥲
I understand! Dear @proteancreator , I'm surprised that Japanese animation is so popular in Southeast Asia including the Philippines!
In the world I live in, Japanese manga and anime are just like instant food to enjoy.
Rather than philosophical analysis of Japanese animation, I simply enjoy the visual impact and stimulation!
I'd love to visit Japan someday and yes, the visuals in AOT are nice especially during fight scenes. Levi Ackerman is by far the holy grail of humanity in AoT:
Dear @proteancreator , I want to go to the Philippines.😄
I want to escape from the pressure of urban civilization and enjoy the innocence of nature!
We have a lot of that here! And a friendly smiling people too!
I am sorry to hear you are going through a hard time, but Im glad to see you had the strenght to pick yourself up and continue through the hard times you are having. I am hoping that this too shall pass soon.
As a eastern european I find the news about the russian invasion on Ukraine very unsettling. Just the thought of war in the 21st century is quite absurd in my head and i can't wrap my mind around it. I dont find anything that can justify the slaughtering of innocent people. Even if we put the war aspect aside, and by that I mean soldiers from one side fighting soldiers from the other, the impact these actions will have on the ordinary people is still absurd..
I've also been called pessimistic and, personally, I kind of find that offensive. I would much more describe myself as a realist. Everything we go through in our lives reshapes our mindset and the view we have on life itself. The biggest events that happen to us have the most effect on changing our personality or our vision on life.
I have to note that up until this point I haven't heard of Alain de Botton, but the quote you posted intrigues me very much and I find it interesting to research it further. Thanks for that!
In my experience I have tried and read a few self-help books in the past, but I personally don't find much help in them. For me the best help I can get is the one I give myself, and that comes with time and practice.
Also, I have to note that the saying from your therapist ("We all need to pick up our cross") closely resmbles one we have in our country ("We all need to carry our cross"), but it kind of has the same meaning. It is so much true that i don't have much to add to it. I would only say that the best way to help yourself is to listen to your inner voice and see what it tells you.
Thank you for the thoughts @harmless90.
I agree. Completely. To think that society is at the pinnacle of technological advancement, this is by far, the worst era for another world war to take place, especially nearing an end of a pandemic. I certainly do not want this foreshadowed quote to occur:
No one is ready for this, all the more the little countries like the PH which fall short in terms of military prowess. To think I have dreams of studying in Europe 😅🤦♀️
Is it already considered a lesson learned late if we say this is the reason why people should really think twice thrice quadruple times of whoever they want to elect into power?
I totally agree on this. Its scary just to think about the damage the nuclear weapons these countries have, while we, in the small ones like PH, and even smaller like Bulgaria with 0 military power, we are total bystanders in this. But being so close to this (like 1000 km or so), I hope that some sense comes to Russia and they stop this madness and dont continue their efforts further.
As for the elections, I dont really know whats going on there, I just know that Putih has been elected as President and as Prime Minister back and forth for quite ever since I can remember. People kind-of seem to like him, but his actions in the last few weeks show him in a different light.
So true. Well, I personally have reservations especially for America or the rest of the West in this matter. Not to mention that elections are also happening in my country this coming May.
A lot of people are playing dirty and propaganda is everywhere. The whole thing can get pretty suffocating.
I know what you mean. Propaganda and serving someone's interest is the main reason I stopped watching the news in my country. Every TV channel is "puppeteered" by a certain politician and you can tell that just by watching a few minutes of the news. It's just getting too much of it and it's really annoying to watch it.
Not to say that most of the non-political stuff was made of Covid, anti-vaxination and so on. Probably it is something similar everywhere. The exact word I can put it is really suffocating.
yea, there's a whole lot of ugly.
but then there is this..
Hahahahhahs Dina Yeager's Titan is a huge m00d.
I wanted to watch AOT because I thought it would have an interesting scifi story so I waited but yeah I do know that the story would go in a more psychological route.
I would always relate entropy and life till now. I used entropy because I am still hopeful that the disorder, randomness, or uncertainty, it pertains won't result to someone else's suffering.
I am also a pessimist and I was able to use it right now to question the f out of my thesis mates. I hope I can also read these self-help books and moral guides without boring myself and questioning it. The only self help books that I know are the children's books I read in NBS rapidly.
Can you suggest a book I can start with? Thank you!
Hi @emion. Well, if it's any consolation, I personally think there will always be enough room for doubts when it comes to moral guides. We can't expect any of these to be perfect or serve us well 100% of the time since the people who authored these are imperfect fallible beings themselves.
I used to be a huge fan of wishy-washy self-help books until life screwed humanity inside out the past several years especially during the pandemic.
The ones I featured in my posts aren't really of any help, in fact, if anything, they are books that do quite the opposite of giving anyone a sense of hope, so if you do wish to open up the said books, do take it with a grain of salt.
Mark Manson's The Art of Not Giving A Fuck is a good read, and if you want, you can also listen to Alain De Botton's sermons. I learned a lot from the guy.
Hey, sister. I'm glad to see you're back. 🙌 I'm sorry to hear that you spiralled so deeply in your absence. 😢 (Note: for some reason all your clever? funny? sarcastic? memes/photos aren't showing up at my end, so I may have missed some depth and nuance to your post because of this)
Then let me do now what I always aim to do (and occasionally f--- up!) which is to ask: "How are you doing right now?"
Imagine me sitting here listening to your answer (in the comments :P) and know that I will not judge, will definitely not trivialise and that you can expect zero preaching (or name-calling! I can't believe people call you a brat or entitled just because you're expressing how you're feeling!! Or are you just doing that to yourself inside your own mind? 🤔)
OK, so I'm ready to listen. Are you ready? Feel free to tell me anything at all that you feel like expressing (on a public blockchain 😅) I'm all ears...
Hi @consciouscat! It's very good to be back here again and seeing you after a looooong period of trying-so-hard-to-figure-out-what-the-hell-I-am-doing-with-my-life.
All is well physically on my end: I am healthy, quite lacking on the sleep department, lost a bit of weight, and just perpetually physically and emotionally exhausted from work and all of life's demands and expectations, but I am taking things one at the time and taking things slow, and trying to break the habit of "living in the future" that hasn't come or "living in a world that only exists in my head", instead living today and facing today.
All the news and negativity about elections here in my country and also what is happening on the other side of the world in ukraine wasn't helping either.
Just yesterday, I got to visit the sea after weeks of being cooped up at home and at work, surrounded by a lot of paper works with very little human contact, and just being in a sub-optimal space.
Sometimes I vacillate to and from the paralyzing dread and being functional and numb, which doesn't really help my self-sabotaging tendencies.
The breeze was great yesterday and I wish I could afford going to the sea more especially that the city where I am in is actually just right by it.
Yes, I admit: It's really more of a self judgment then what I actually hear from other people, but nothing that I can't sense. Just a week ago, I had a row with senior co-worker of mine, and I wasn't entirely happy with it.
They weren't pretty happy about me establishing boundaries either (lol), but I'm learning to place my own priorities over other people's urgencies. It's just something veeery difficult to unlearn. 🥲
Hello You. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you made a point of going to the sea and that you're learning to prioritise self-care and learning to speak your boundaries. These are all wins in my mind 🙌😍😁
I'm like you: I get stuck, frustrated and feeling like I'm getting nowhere when I try to 'figure out my life', but when I do something that feels soothing and good and helps me get present then I feel better and my problems or worries seem easier to deal with somehow. Even if my problem isn't different, because I feel different, the problem feels different. I think that's what you're saying, right?
Bummer that school/work feels so hard. I think that just managing to function right now is actually a huge achievement. We're living through unprecented times. Sh*t is hard. We can't be (you can't be) expected to be an emotionally intelligent, super kind, awesome genius all the time 🤣 Besides, in case you forgot, on top of everything you currently mentioned, did you forget that you also lived through a Super Typhoon??? That's epic my love. Truly epic (in size and difficulty, not awesomeness 🙄😂)
So I do hope you're giving yourself a break. If you haven't killed anyone, haven't completely lost your sh*t at anyone (in such a way that it wasn't repairable) and you haven't hurt yourself more than getting a bit too drunk once or twice (or thrice!) then, in my books, you are doing okay.
Roxanne, even if you feel like crap (mentally/emotionally), even if you "think you could/should do better", even if you're cranky at yourself for not being the amazing role model you know you're capable of - you're alive, you're breathing, you're expressing yourself and tomorrow or the next day or next week or next month you'll have more clarity about your life and you'll be able to do "better" at the things that are important to you because you'll feel better... if you just keep looking after you.
--
Okay, that was my attempt at listening in a non-judgemental way. It turned into cheerleading and encouragement and, it seems, advice to keep doing what you're already doing.
Do I need to be slapped for being another annoying person who doesn't listen or did we do okay? 😂😃🤔🤐😝😉 !LOL
🤗🤗🤗😘😘😘 Sending !LUV either way!
🥺🥺🥺 Thank you @consciouscat. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I got caught up in work and a lot of stuff.
And yes you did well. Very well actually. In terms of clarity I need for my life? I'm getting there, and I have a good feeling that I'll definitely get there. The only thing I have to deal with now is the patience I need to get there, because just like everyone else, I realize have been impatient a lot, mostly towards myself.
Thank you for the reminder ❤️ and for bringing me down to earth from the feedback loop from hell 😅. You're a great person @consciouscat.💙💚💛💜
🤗 I'm glad it helped. And you're so very welcome @proteancreator. 😘😘😘
This post and especially this quote feel eerily the same as mine you commented on! Oh, how wonderful would it be if everything just stopped for a while, just so that we can take a breather? We all need a breather at this point.
The insight in this simple line is tremendous. If more people understand this. Luck and madness go hand in hand, but unluck and chaos as well! Hopefully, that makes sense.
Yes! Productive-pessimism, it keeps you always attentive and on the lookout. I think some people just function better in this always hyper-aware state.
This comment is two months late, hopefully, the storm has settled a bit by now. Best of luck!
Yes. We ALL DO NEED a breather-- one thing this modern world and its current haphazard, maddening, rapid pacing we subscribe to-- don't understand, and oh...
Yeah it kinda does.
Two months later, the storm has cleared significantly, not completely, but at least I am functioning way better now than two months ago, and mellowed down on the vices ☠️.
And I do not think we will slow down. What a crazy time to be alive in.
I am glad things have mellowed down a bit!