I don't think shame prevents wrongful behavior. In fact, I think more often than not, it lies at the core of depravity, because people who have a lot of shame can't be vulnerable and therefore have a hard time being honest. That guy you encountered, for instance, probably thinks that he was being sincere, when in fact he was just playing a character to conceal his own vulnerability.
When I was younger (I'm that guy's age right now,) I used to think that I was messing up by not acting like all the other men I knew, striking up conversations with women in the street or engaging in flattery. It always made me uncomfortable. Then I realized that it wasn't me, the entire thing was systemic disrespect and I understood it contravened my upbringing and principles.
I've seen these attitudes less and less over the years in my city, probably because of the reality I've crafted for myself. I guess different places experience changes at different rates.
Thanks for this post!
I totally agree, I have met a lot of people like this who want to fit into the 'norms' but it's easy to see they're only playing a role. If we can all be sincere and more vulnerable, the dating world won't be so hard.
Loved this post @honeydue
I agree, I'm sure he was. But I wonder what the healthy approach there is. It's tempting, but ultimately a trap to think oh I can help this person be themselves/more vulnerable/more authentic. Usually, people can only be helped when they wanna be. So it's tricky. I genuinely don't know how one's supposed to proceed in such encounters :D
Thank you @wolfofnostreet (what a cool name!). I'm glad you resonated~
I wasn't lauding shaming other people (nor was it the case for the article I mentioned). Just saying we shouldn't be so quick to liberalize and endorse everything that flies in the face of previous centuries just because they were oppressive and nasty, also.
Oh, I'm sure he was. I have a lot of compassion for these people, and I wish I was in a place to help them. Right now, though, I am more focused on my own journey, setting my own boundaries and carving a healthy, balanced life for myself. So as far as I'm concerned, they can play whatever character they want, I just can't be a part of the masquerade.
I applaud that. Both for being true to yourself, and for owning your truth and values. That's not always easy, is it?
I think this plays an important role. I used to attract quite a lot of messed up character-playing people. I didn't see it at the time, but I was very messed-up myself (which is why I never played the "why am I only attracting creeps" card). Rn I'm just focused on crafting that reality, as you said, in the hope of attracting people who do resonate.
And I didn't say all guys in their 30s are like that :P Thank you for the thoughtful input ~ I enjoyed it!