Confession: I Can’t Stand Looking At Beautiful People
In an age of social media where photographers have entire instagram accounts filled with beautiful women and millions of subscribers, I find myself becoming increasingly jaded. Its not only instagram, but almost all visual social media that I find myself slowly receding from. I have known this for a while, but my situation is slowly getting worse, the reality is I hate looking at attractive people. I have posted before how I largely dislike the way I look and am struggling to overcome the insecurities I have as a man and just generally a human being. However, whenever I see an attractive couple together or I meet an attractive girl I constantly feel like im having setbacks.
Whenever I see an attractive male or female I think to myself “why don’t I look like them? Why do I look so different?”, to the point where I feel like a lesser human being. I believe our society becomes more shallow by the day, with people obsessed with the gossip of beautiful celebrities and what their lives are up to. It feels like more and more people care less about the character of a person and judge them more on their facial symmetry. I can’t say that i’m not a part of this either, because the truth is, I have been raised to be just as shallow as them and value beauty as they do. One of my favorite movies is one starring Jack Black, called “Shallow Hal”, where a man obsessed with beautiful women is in a way hypnotized to view a person’s attractiveness based on how good of a person they are. In many ways I wish everyday it was a possibility to have that happen to me, so I could finally find someone to love.
Yearning to be attractive has made me literally write down a list of surgeries I would get if I had a million dollars, even if it meant that there was just a small chance to finally be one of the beautiful people I see all the time. Whenever I see someone in passing or on a website I am just reminded that I don’t look like them and people don’t value me as a sexual being. This is my biggest problem, I don’t feel handsome and im starting to feel like there is no point of even putting myself out there, because I have been rejected so many times. I want to pull myself up from my bootstraps and keep going, but after a while it just makes you tired and depressed. I don’t want to be beautiful to sleep with a lot of women or do something crazy like have a threesome with two girls, I just want to be wanted. It is a basic human need to be wanted and although my family does love me and support me, there is a hole I am missing that can only be filled by the opposite sex.
There are days when im especially depressed where I will see a picture of a good looking man on Facebook or generally just online and I will spend an hour daydreaming about what it must be like to be that person. I feel like my jadedness is having me miss out on many opportunities that men my age should be having, but at the same time I feel like I would only be having them if I was more attractive. Especially living around a twin sister and hearing her friends gossip about what guys were really cute at my school, I always felt hurt. Despite me having inside knowledge that half of these people were completely terrible human beings, because I would play sports with them or just hear them in the locker room, it wouldn’t make a difference on how the girls felt. I cant blame them, and ive never been one to blame others, however I do end up blaming myself. I have no idea why I am so obsessed with beauty and the shallow culture we have, but it is slowly killing me on the inside.
I want to change, I have read books, I have tried therapeutic methods, but nothing seems to work. I feel like one day if I become successful, all the women that rejected me would start seeing me differently and I would just be a provider to them. I want to be the full package as a boyfriend and a husband, able to support my wife and my family financially, but also be viewed as a stud to my wife.
I just feel that day by day I am slowly descending into madness over something that is such a trivial problem but means so much to me. I want to slap myself and say “hey you , asshole, appreciate the life you’ve been given”, but something is holding me back. No matter what I do, I cant control the emotions of jealousy and envy inside of me, wishing I was a more attractive person and hating those who are. What really bothers me most, is theres not much I can do to change how my face looks, while in every other part of my life, I can work hard and achieve my goals. It just feels like I lost the roulette wheel of life on this one and that is depressing. I know many of you are going to think im an ass and this is a stupid ramble, mostly you are right. However this has really been on my mind the past few days after I girl I was very close with told me she wasn’t attracted to me at all. If anyone had the same problem please anyway you got over it, let me know.
Take this from a guy who was looking at himself in the mirror for 10 years saying: "You are ugly". I can feel your pain because I've been there at one point in my life. Until I realized that it was my perception of myself that was actually repelling women.
The cold hard truth about women is that looks isn't in the 5 five of what attractes to a man. Confidence is at the very top of the list, closely followed by humor. I can't count how many men I've met who are obese, badly shaved and overall aesthetically unattractive get the women they want.
Women can read men like an x-ray machine from the moment you enter into a room.
I say start doing things that increase your confidence...whatever it takes. Learn how to talk with women, take humor classes and believe in yourself. You can overcome this obstacle.
I learned that being an overweight guy. I knew being unconfident was uglier than being overweight.
Well said.
Thanks for the kind words crypto. Maybe im just in a rut at the moment , a lot of uncertainty is going on with my life. It also is probably my age, girls are a lot more shallow at 23, so thats what people say anyway. Im hoping that I can become more motivated to make things better, because I know just sitting here complaining about it wont get me anywhere. I really appreciate it though.
Crypto is absolutely correct. Nothing turns a woman off faster than these three things: a serious lack of confidence, a bitter or negative attitude, and a sense of entitlement when it comes to female attention. We can smell it so we keep away because a man with those three qualities tend to be dangerous. They're either prone to anger/jealousy or they have abusive or toxic personalities. Not all young women are shallow but they--like all women--are very careful where they invest their time and emotions. If you don't think you have anything of value to offer, they will pick up on that. And by value, I'm not referring to your wallet or a fancy car. I'm referring to your character, your personality, your ability to bring joy, mutual growth, and love into a relationship.
Do you have a hobby or sport or passion? I ask because I have a young cousin who is overweight, dresses like a slob, and tends to be rather laid-back (in other words, he's on the passive side). What he does have: a great sense of humour, a kind and gentle personality, and the ability to be friends with a woman without feeling entitled to her body. His family would sometimes tease him about not having a girlfriend but he would always laugh and say, "She's taking the scenic route but she's headed my way ." He was a 24-year-old virgin when he met a woman two years ago online via his passion: video games. They met and became friends, and that friendship morphed into a romance over the course of about a year. I was at their wedding several months ago and I've never seen a happier young couple. They're not beautiful as per society's dictum but they are beautiful. You have to stop being envious of attractive people and believing that somehow their looks guarantees them deep love and great sex. It doesn't. Stop blaming your physical appearance and grow your heart. Love attracts love attracts love. Find something you love: volunteering at an animal shelter, playing chess, wilderness hiking--anything. Every day find something to love, to pour your love into, and I guarantee that love will find you but only if you have love within you to share. No love--for yourself or for others--equals no love life.
Yes an insecure guy can be dangerous at the worst. Or needy in a way that can be costly. Maybe obsessive. This man blew up my phone with texts about how I was avoiding him after I didn't text him very much when I was busy in school, over the course of a just couple days. I hadn't written him off, until that. It was insane. A year later, he texts me like nothing happens "hey how are you" and then "No interest...that bad?!" A year! It's creepy. It's shallow. He didn't even know me at all.
Very wise advise!
Simple and sound. Yes its a lot easier said than done but the point is looks are not even close to everything and even looks are improved with confidence and self love.
Great to see honest vulnerable expression and kind supportive feedback.
Grateful to be here with you all.
I wanted to respond to this post even though I might be one of the people you have a resistance to or "don't like" because of how I look. I may not be the best looking person but I would be considered more attractive than ugly.
I can tell you that there are lots of benefits to being attractive but there are also lots of difficulties. As with all things there are ups and downs to everything.
Without getting into all that I just wanted to say that what really matters is if you are happy or not. If your not happy then it matters not if you are attractive or unattractive, life still sucks. If you are happy then it also matters not if you are attractive or not, life is great!
So this is what I pay attention to my self. I don't even try and think about being confident, funny, rich or attractive to impress ANYONE. I just focus on being happy.
I also find that a secret of the universe is that the more happy you are the more healthy you are and the more healthy you are the more attractive you become.
So as not to downplay the very REAL difficulty you have experienced I just wanted to share what I have found to be simply the most powerful and influential perspective on the matter.
If you simply begin to support your self from the perspective that happiness is the most important thing and you begin to live in that way, all of life will improve including your looks. Happiness is without a doubt the most important thing, because when happy it doesn't matter if you can get any girl you want or not. You are either happy or you are not.
Because you judge your self happiness is not possible in those moments. SO let go of that. This does not mean you have to pretend like you are something you are not or that you are not something that you are. Just be real and know that you CAN be who you want to be. If being more attractive is of REAL importance to you and not just some idea that has been indoctrinated into your psyche due to marketing and such then there are MANY ways to grow in that direction. Yet you have to be real and responsible with where you are at and make choices to walk a new path.
Regardless of what path you take judgement hinders and love supports.
I wish you the best and support your growth~
Blessings~*~
I dont think I am particularly happy or particularly sad. I do feel like because of my looks I am missing out on experiences my peers are having which makes me sad that I will never be able to experience them at this time in my life ever. I want to try to change my perspective on the matter, but I find it very hard to do. Even thinking positive for me in situations like this is hard for me to do. I wish being attractive wasnt important to me, I dont want to be this person, but sadly I am. I dont want to blame my upbringing or marketing, but somewhere along the line my brain registered to put a over importance on beauty. Im sure one day I will change, I am just stuck here at the moment. Thanks for the kind words and thoughtful response, I really appreciate it.
Imagine how women feel when they are judged so much by their appearance.
I understand completely, its terrible I know how it feels, whenever my friends say stuff like "shes a beast" I usually tell them to cut it out. Especially my one friend who is very good looking and doesnt realize how many doors he has had open because of it.
No kidding. I'd go so far as to say that we're primarily judged by our appearance. We can be successful, educated women but none of that matters if we're old or not attractive. And after the age of 50, we're invisible (which can be a relief to be honest!).
Not invisible to women who are attracted to women. Because I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure many women are the same. We don't care about how 'fertile' a woman looks. It's nice but not top thing. And there are men who find beauty in that way as well, and who find beauty in the traits deeper than skin deep. Not all men are obsessed with that kind of sexy that procreative health brings. I think a lot of women start dressing less sexy as they turn around fifty, as womens magazines have articles like "What a woman should never wear after 30, after 40..." etc.
Sexy:
but I know what you mean by comparatively invisible...and how it could be a relief. Any young woman gets approached often to the point it can get tiresome
That's actually what I was referring with regards to feeling relieved at times that I have become somewhat invisible. The constant harassment, catcalls, expectations that I "smile" for perfect strangers or else risk verbal attack, ...So glad most of that is over and that I can sit by myself at a coffee shop or browse for a book or walk the seawall without being bothered by someone who feels entitled to my time and attention.
I imagine unattractiveness is a bigger impediment to women than men. Just like shortness is a bigger impediment to men than women.
There are short women with no confidence who strike out because they're too shy and assume they're striking out because they're too short.
Maybe it's your certainty of failure that's getting in the way?
It is, which is one part why I am happy to be a male or else my time would be much worse as a women. My certainty of failure is definitely getting in my way. I have stopped trying all together because I don't want to experience the pain anymore.
Cheer up! You don't have to be attractive to get a good looking gf / trophy wife, all you need is money. Though you'll always question whether she loves you or your money, but then is loving you for your looks any better?
Only if you're broke and ugly and she loves you can you be sure it's true love.
This is what im terrified of, I want someone who is attracted to me physically not my things and how I support them.
You know, one of my uglier friends has a beautiful, sweet, kind, and smart wife. He is really intelligent and honest and she saw that in him, one of the best men a woman could find in my opinion, but for years I thought he would never even get laid because women weren't physically attracted to him.
Go for a walk in a crowded place and you will see many non-beautiful and in love people.
I understand what you are saying, because I used to be beautiful. I struggled through an illness which left me over-weight and looking a bit older. I spent some time being depressed, and feeling like people treated me differently. Seriously, some of them do. I no longer have time for shallow people, and I find that I like my friends better today than before.
I agree, but for some reason im shallow myself and am attracted to only cute/beautiful girls who wont like me back. I wish I wasnt, I dont want to be, I wish I could brainwash myself into seeing all people as the same. Im sorry that happened to you. I cant imagine what it must have been like. I had heart surgery last novemeber so I lost a lot of my muscle mass and gained a few pounds which is also the reason I have been feeling unattractive recently. I have started taking up lifting again, but my chest has titanium plates in it which pinch my nerves if I do too much exercise, which is disheartening.
Everyone loses their beauty if they live long enough. I sure wish I could give you my perspective. Wouldn't it be interesting, to walk through someone else's experiences and memories? :)
And here is where the myths start... it is not easy to be attractive. It takes hard work and pain...
Work to become stronger, healthier and physically coordinated. Care about your apearence and act acordingly...
Im a fashionable guy, clean cut, workout, but after my heart surgery in november I couldnt lift so I gained some pounds, often being fashionable is very hard for me , because im tall and its near impossible to find clothes that fit me well. I have to order things online and 1 out of 5 things I get will actually be okay. Staying clean cut is easy, but even when I was in my prime, my face just isnt that attractive.
Feelings show... Become happy and you will like the way you look a lot better!
And by hurts, i meant actual physical pain... Try fasting, if you have heart issues that will help tremendously!
Feeling of inferiority. Try to look at people who are uglier than you and ask them, how they overcome it.
This made me laugh. Hello Sir, I noticed you are quite ugly... I just wondered if it bothers you, or have you gotten over it? Haha. Just kidding, but that is what went through my head.
Its weird, people are so different, I have a friend who isnt the best looking, but he sees the the positive side of everything. Im trying to change my mindset.
This worked for me, pretend to be confident. You can feel however deep down inside but just pretend and when you start getting a different response you stop pretending and you just are. It may sound silly, but it's worth it to try because on the other side it will feel so good to love yourself.
I try the fake it till you make it approach alot, but I think im just bad at talking to girls im attracted to. They jumble my thoughts and can smell insecurities off me a mile away.
Why pretend when you can feel confident through a skill you've developed or a natural talent? "Fake it 'til you make it" is a pretty common piece of advice but I've always wondered if it really works unless you have at least some confidence in your abilities.
I like looking at them.... it's when they catch me doing it that really bothers me.
Okay had to respond fast to headline and then read!
You are really right. Man I have been there for sure... hard little mindset to lift yourself out of sometimes isn't it?
I think that statement.... not attracted to you at all... could easily have been meant as a "we're friends right?" kinda thing.
I tried to burn the bridge because thinking about it has been making me depressed, but heard from one of our mutual friends that she loves me as a friend and doesnt want to lose that but shes just not attracted to me.
Hey @calacer24p - cryptoctopus nailed it! It's all about confidence... And accomplishment breeds confidence. One of the main things, actually the main thing that has helped me with my own insecurities is Yoga. Learning to to a yoga pose, from not knowing how to do it, at all -- started to give me so much confidence. The way that a good yoga pose can connect the mind, body and spirit -- I don't know.., it just changed the whole way I carry myself. You really want to be attractive to the opposite sex -- entertain them!
Earn to loving :)
If you have good health who cares what you look like.
Oh boy, I feel a lot of compassion for you. I can hear your pain. That you are admitting it and not denying and working to feel better is a wonderful sign. Please remember that things change. You are very young and I promise you won't feel this way forever.
You can read self help books and try to change your thinking etc, but our beliefs come from a deeper place, in the belly, and they always overtake how we coach our minds to think. My hope is that you can find a way to look deeper into your core beliefs about yourself or your appearance and see through false beliefs to find comfort in your own skin. We are all inherently worthy of existence and love, but love will evade you, or rather you will unconsciously evade it, as long as you believe you are unloveable. My hope is that you find a way to love yourself just as you are. That will let others then love you too. Hugs
I just want to start of by saying the way you express your emotions through your writing, whether it is in a positive or a negative way, is very inspirational to me. I've been trying to find a stronger way to express myself through writing and seeing your writing getting better over time while you've been on steemit inspires me to do the same.
Now on the topic on how we see ourselves and body image. When we are "growing up" we gain certain ideas about ourselves based on the experiences we have. These experiences can be as simple as someone complimenting or insult us in someway and the us feeling like were like that from then on or it can be a much longer and intricate experience. Whether these ideas become true or not, all of this is not what matters the most; For all of this is just an analyzes of the past and how something came to be.
For me personally, I have never felt the unattractive aspect to myself or my body but I have felt uncomfortable in my body; With that only starting to change very recently. When I do feel this way it feel like there is something physically wrong with my body, even though there is nothing wrong with it. Having the feeling of being tapped in my body and needing to escape but knowing that I cannot.
I've started getting past this by finding one thing I like about being in my body, for me it's my hair. In the past I was so uncomfortable in my body that I wasn't able to fully appreciate it like I do now. So if you can't find anything then create it. What's help me even more recently is waking up by myself each morning or evening, taking off my shirt, and working out while I absorb the sun. Since Ive started doing this I've felt stronger each day and less uncomfortable or "imbalanced" within myself the stronger I feel. This is like your goal that you set which you set for yourself (which you've pretty much accomplished) for paying off your tuition writing.
This goal is the same at its core except its consistently doing something each day that strengthen your being at its core; Causing you to enjoy every function of your body while doing that daily activity. Every breath, every movement and beat of your heart. From your writing it sounds like your are very mentally externalized (like me) in your thoughts. So whatever activity you find that will help you the most, will also help you become more self-centered (centered in self).
Didn't mean to make such a big text wall but I just genuinely would like to help out (just like everyone else commenting) cause I remember when I had similar feelings to what your describing. Wish you the best of luck, cheers on pretty much accomplishing your goal number one. ^_^
This post has been linked to from another place on Steem.
Learn more about linkback bot v0.4. Upvote if you want the bot to continue posting linkbacks for your posts. Flag if otherwise.
Built by @ontofractal
Oh, yes, I totally understand you! It is a huge nonsense how different people are in social networks and reality. I do participate in many projects and before they start it looks like all participants are models. Then the day of arrival comes and it appears that they are all just simple human beings with all their pluses and minuses...