Wish I knew something that would help, could be so many things are I know you damn smart and have tried a lot already. I know that resistance and fear amplify pain, and that deep accpetance has opposite effect. Talk is cheap, I dont know If I could hardle what you do, probably not. Your not alone, never think that, life is relationship, but it can only be felt, never thought.
Ty for support @freemoceanisnow. Very true on resistance and fear! I have played with it for many years in meditation. Fully accepting pain, embracing it and even loving it. Its helped on and off which is parlty why im just letting it out on some of my diaries. I dont know that i could ever fully accept this. I sure can accept healing tho. Its hard when i cant do or act the way i know i easily could without this very strange pain. Again ty, its these little comments that somehow help. Blessings