Up until my mid twenties I was an incredibly angry person. Actually, compared to most other people I know today, I still am. I often joke that I have two emotions: rage and elation (so far on this site, I've only revealed the latter).
Marvel Studios
When I was in my early twenties, I used to go to Industrial music clubs in Chicago four nights per week. In America, Chicago was that scene's epicenter. If you don't know what Industrial music is, don't worry. You are not alone. When I meet someone who isn't familiar with Industrial music, I explain that it is aggressive, electronic based dance music. When they tilt their head and look at me like a dog who has just heard me say "astrophysics is a complicated field"... I simply say, "Nine Inch Nails. Nine inch Nails is the most popular example of the genre".
Over the years, I became a regular at several different Industrial clubs and made it my sworn duty to make sure other patrons were treating each other respectfully. I was especially protective of the women who would frequent the clubs. If you are asking, "Who the hell made you the minister of respect?", that is an excellent question. So is, "Didn't they have hired staff to take care of that?". In fact they did have some excellent staff who were hired to perform this task. But if I left it up to the professionals, then I would not get to be the hero. And that was my problem. After years of reflection, I am able to see that I was hiding my need to release my aggression under the veil of "protecting others".
Now might be a good time to point out that at the time, I was 5'9" and weighed about 175 pounds. I wasn't big. I wasn't particularly skilled. I was just a rage fueled person with nothing to lose on an imaginary crusade to rid the world of disrespect at night clubs. When I think about it now, I just shake my head and laugh at myself.
Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios
If a guy appeared to be be disrespecting a woman on the dance floor, "Anger Man" would leap into action. I'd push the guy around until he was removed form the club. Then I'd pat myself on the back and go back to my perch to wait for another opportunity. And those opportunities came quite often. Given enough time and alcohol, there would always be a problem for me to swoop in and solve.
It became my thing. I was the guy who would never stand by and let anyone be disrespected. Unfortunately, I was using violence to do it. I don't want to make it seem like I was busting heads and breaking bones. It never even got close to that. Just lots of pushing and intimidation to get the offenders to back down and leave. To be honest, I think it was just dumb luck that it never escalated into anything dangerous.
Why was I doing this?
I have developed a pretty good habit of asking myself one simple question when presented with any dilemma, "What is my goal in this situation?" Back in the day, when one of these incidents would pop up, I thought my answer was, "My goal is to assure that everyone here feels safe and is being treated with respect". Wow. What a hero.
Paramount Domestic Television
Now that I have the advantage of age, wisdom and hindsight, I know the real answer to the "Goal" question. My goals were to release my anger, make people think I was hero, look tough, and make sure people were being respected. Three of those clearly conflict with the fourth. My goals were incredibly selfish. They were wrapped up in an nice looking altruistic package... but that was a facade.
Did people need to feel safe and respected? Yes. Could I help this to become a reality? Yes. Were my methods correct? No.
Looking back, I always skipped one very early step that could have prevented so many problems. I could have spoken to the "victim" and simply asked, 'Are you OK? Do you need a little help?" I bet this step alone would have defused half of the problems. The creepy guy would see that the woman had an ally and leave. Or the woman would simply say, "Oh it's fine. This guy is just goofing around. He's harmless. He's not bothering me." Who was I to decide when a person should feel disrespected and required protection?
If it turned out that she did need help, I literally knew every employee. I could have simply walked up to one and said, "This young lady needs some assistance." Within seconds, the problem would be solved by the professionals... but then I wouldn't be the hero. Selfish.
When I was young, I was all over the place. I didn't have a clear vision or path. I had a moral compass and I wanted to do what was "right" but I didn't always use the best method to get there. The main reason for this lack of direction was because I didn't have clear goals. I was just making them up as I went along.
Warner Brothers Television and Chuck Lorre Productions
Luckily this changed... or I'd still be a mess.
In many ways, becoming a parent tremendously complicates one's life. In other ways, it makes life incredibly simple. After having kids, so many of my nonsensical goals fell away. Release my anger? Gone. Appear heroic? Who cares? Look tough? To whom? Help others feel safe and respected... well that one gets to stay. But the method needs to change to fit the new ultimate goal.
All the silly, selfish goals dissolve and leave one: "Be a Good Dad".
It's tough to be a good dad if you are in jail, the hospital, or dead. Therefore I must choose to take actions that will lead to my ultimate goal (unless absolutely necessary). Being the respect police is not necessary... especially when there are more appropriate ways to reach the goal of everyone feeling safe and respected. Answering the questions, "How can I look tough, release my anger, and be the hero?" seem pretty ridiculous when compared to, "How can I be a good dad?"
Does this mean that I have become a bystander who will sit idly by and let terrible things happen? Absolutely not. Do I still believe that all people deserve to be respected and that I should do my part to make this a reality? Of course. The only difference is that now I try to help using more effective ways that will not jeopardize my main goal.
SCRIBENDI INC.
*For the record, I am not claiming to be a pacifist. It's too easy to come up with hundreds of "what ifs" that would cause me to look like a hypocrite and answer, "Yes violence would be required". But this article isn't about those extreme "what ifs". It's about every day conflict that can be handled without violence... if I keep my most important goal in mind.
Feel free to share your ultimate goal in the replies if you would like.
This is a very nice writing. I'm glad you changed that part of yourself. I guess everyone has been trough fhases in life like yours. Main thing is that we realize wtf are we doing and we change it on time.
Your anger is a gift - but not in the way you think ;)
I have definitely found a way to channel it for good. Just took me about 30 years to figure it out.
At least you got there @hanshotfirst - others are not so lucky.
Wow! I so get this. This describes me too. Almost exactly. I had a strong "sense of justice" as I liked to describe it. It was becoming a parent that brought me down to Earth too. I can so relate to everything you wrote as it described me as well. I lived in a far smaller place than Chicago. The closest we'd have to a club scene would be occasionally large out door parties somewhere with a couple hundred people. Most parties were a quarter that size or smaller. Yet I was the HERO of Justice too. I also was lucky like you. I blogged about this on one of my blogs. You should check it out. I think you'll laugh when you see how similar we are in this regard. We even used the same animated character in our post. LOL
This is a well written article you did. I'll be following you.
Just read yours. Yep two peas in a pod lol
By the way I have RAGE too. It has been controlled for decades now, but there are periods in my life (four that I can think of) that I literally saw red and scared the shit out of people. I never hurt anyone in that state, but oh I came so close. Every time people were terrified of me. I was also terrified of myself so early on I learned how to nip that in the bud. I stopped bottling up anger and I made sure if I was angry the person I was speaking to believed it. I think I got really good at making them believe it and this made me intimidating. I think this is where my "luck" came from. I often wonder if that rage and seeing red is what the historical berserkers tapped into... I came so close to killing a friend once when I saw red, and I swear he was moving in slow motion at the time. That is why I was so terrified and started making people believe me when I was angry. My parents were alcoholics and my home life was not fun, I bottled it up, people picking on me I bottled up.... I was probably 5'11'' at the time... my friend I nearly killed was 6'9'' then. He was bothering me, I told him to please stop and he kind of chuckled and kept egging me on. He didn't mean anything by it. It is simply that bottling up stuff had made it so I couldn't hold more. Before I knew it I saw red and was moving towards him. He was moving in slow motion, twist, twist, and I am sitting on him with his head turned in my hands ready to snap his neck. No punches thrown, no bruises, no one harmed. It was terrifyingly easy. I was not in control. Something stopped me... some sense got through... shock was starting to register.
My friend says "Are you done?" as he sits below me. I rapidly let him go and start babbling at how I am so sorry... I was terrified. So was he. I will say he never messed with me like that again. We were and continue to be friends. He also woke me up to bottling up anger. I never did it again and that is when my rage went away.
But seriously, I'm glad you've found a way to control it. It sucks to be a slave to anything... especially bottled up anger.
Wow. Of course I have a similar story. My best friend is 6'6 and 275. Best roommate I ever had. He was the only one who could stand to live with me. We were messing around one day and it went to far. I can't imagine how funny the "fight" looked. There was also a night when I tried to stop him from beating up a house. No lie. He was punching the side of a house. I tried to hold his arms back so he wouldn't hurt his hands. I flopped around like a rag doll...
I swear I didn't copy you lol... I was a goof all on my own.
I will be subscribing, I am glad you found your peace in your children, in your role as a dad. I feel the same!
Thanks. Check out my other stuff. It's much happier.
Its funny, not an hour ago my husband and I were having a conversation about this exact thing. Not only did you article compliment 9ur discussion, but I thought it was very well written. I admire how much self reflection you have done, which isn't easy. Thanks for sharing!
Yes hindsight is amazing... I'm a lucky man.
That's a hard lesson. Many times if we allow our own behaviour to go unexamined, we think we're trying to do one thing, but somewhere inside there's a very different motivation. 👌
Exactly. I just needed motivation to take a step back and examine what I was doing. My wife provided that initial motivation. Then my kids made it easy.