Today is a very hard day for me. I woke up after 2 hours of sleep with my cognitively challenged son jumping up and down on me and whining, because he was crabby after only 4 hours of sleep. Nothing ever makes him happy on days like this and I’m really not in the mood to try when I'm exhausted myself. I made him four different kinds of breakfast, but nothing was good enough and he just kept whining. So anyway, I'm again having a hard time dealing with the fact I am the only parent responsible for our children.
I was so exhausted this morning I had a mini break down, which of course turned into a teachable moment for me, which at first just left me feeling like I have a prison sentence over my head. I have always taken more of the responsibility for my children than the men (2) that helped create them, but there is something about knowing ultimately it always comes down to me that I just feel is so very wrong.
Yes, I understand I created these children and they are my responsibility. Yes, I understand they will always be my children, and may need my help at varying degrees throughout their lives. Here is what drives me mad about the situation: 1.) I don't feel you can be a great parent until you are a great person (or at least on the right path). 2.) I don't feel you can be a great person without the ability to learn and grow and heal your own dysfunction. 3.) I don't feel you can heal your own dysfunction without time to yourself do learn the things you never learned that aid in the process of growing and healing. 4.) When you are the only person responsible for two (soon to be three) little lives, and you want to contribute everything you can to the best cause/place you have ever known to exist, then that leaves zero time for the person to do the growing and healing… It seems like the worst catch 22 ever. I want to be an amazing person to inspire my children to do the same, but I can't get any better than I am because all my time is spent caring for them and living in my own dysfunction of hating the situation.
So @quinneaker pointed out that my main issue is where I’m focusing my energy, which is what is making everything harder. Realistically, the next 4 years of my life will be spent helping small children, day in and day out, and that if I were generating positive mental energy toward that I could be a super awesome parent, so it would be in my best interest to just get in alignment with that.
I understand and agree with all the things he said, I think it is possible, if that is what someone wanted. I don't want to just be a great parent though. I want to be a great person first and foremost. I have put myself last constantly in this life, and now that I am finally living in an amazing place with amazing people, the idea of having to wait 4 more years to become the best person I can be makes me so sad I have cried all day. This realization of truth that was given to me today has me feeling like I just found out I'm going to be in a coma for the next 4 years, and I just have to accept it. I have no idea how to align myself with something when ever fiber of my being is screaming, "No this is wrong, I hate this!"
I took care of my little brother when we were kids. I tried to take care of my addict parents, or at least make sure they didn't kill each other so my brother and I wouldn’t end up in foster care. Then at 15 I started dating and tried taking care of the various boyfriends I had, then at 18 I got pregnant and dropped everything I wanted in life to only try and be a good mother since I was a single parent then too (which turned out like shit). I cared for my daughter and my boyfriend of 9 years, and my parents, and my brother, and basically every lost soul I ever met, meanwhile I just started getting sicker and sicker, because I never learned how to care for myself. Then I got married and tried to care for my abusive husband, and my two new kids along with my oldest daughter. Then my oldest daughter left (which is a whole different trauma I need to process) so I was left feeling like even if you give something everything you have it is never good enough and they will always leave you when you need them. Now at least I don't have to take care of my abusive husband anymore and I will only have 3 children and myself to deal with, but it still feels like I come last when there is no time left in the day.
So here I sit, trying to decide what to do. I can try and find an upside to parenting awesomely, like @quinneaker does, and get on board with the fact that this is currently my life and what I want will just have to wait. Or I can keep hating the situation and wish everyday that it would change, all the while being totally miserable and a shitty parent while I wait for that to happen…
Anyone reading this would think it is a no brainer. Hell, I have been telling myself for the last 10 years I have been feeling like this that it is a no brainer. I have been telling myself to just get on board with what is best for the kids, and if I can get my head right, what would be best for me too. I wish it were easier to let go. Especially when I feel myself feeling physically unwell again. I want so badly to wake up after at least 7 hours of sleep, without someone jumping on me and causing me pain that lasts throughout the morning. Then make myself a green shake instead of 4 kinds of breakfast for someone who just throws it on the ground. After that I want to do some yoga to help my mental and physical well being, instead of changing poopy diapers and listening to whining and complaining unless I get drug out of the house before I even get a chance to brush my teeth. In my perfect world I would then spend the rest of my day trying to finish one the 6 books I have started in the last 3 years, and I would dedicate the rest of my entire day to @gardenofeden and the beautiful vision that @quinneaker has for this world.
Does that sound selfish as hell, yes it sure does. However, and extremely smart man once said that, "Everyone is selfish. It just depends on what they do with it that matters. Do they use their selfishness to only better themselves, or better the world around them?" I want to do both, but feel I can't do either without caring for myself.
What am I going to do? I am going to do the right thing, because that is what I do. I'm going to find a way to align myself with happiness in raising my children in community with, or without, a partner. Also thank jebus for community life or this would be an impossible task for me! I'm going to do the best for my kids, and know they will see the benefit in it, even if my oldest daughter didn't. If I change my energy, then I can change the outcome of this situation. Plus I have been looking into CBD oil for my son, I think it could really help him and I want to do whatever I can to make our lives more peaceful.
So this is not at all what I planned on writing about today lol. I guess I needed to get this out more than the other thing I have been stewing on for a few months. This posting was defiantly about abuse to myself, existing in my own personal hell, which so many of us do.
Also a big xoxoxoxo to @everlove for helping initiating this particular healing process by reaching out to me this morning!
Questions, comments, shared experiences are always welcome!
Wow!
What an honest, vulnerable and real post.
I could write so much just about what is being shared here. This post has great depth of value. Thank you for sharing it so openly.
Obviously you know that in life "shit happens" yet its what we do with it that decides us. You have been through a LOT of shit and healing/changing takes time.
While you will likely have more bad days on your journey to health and happiness you can have an attitude or progress, learning, making lemonade out of lemons.
Its ok to feel the "bad" feelings, just remember that you are in a safe place now where you are supported, and taken care of. You may feel alone at times but really you actually have a lot of help and support now. Instead of having a husband now you have a community and you can be sure that I will protect and provide for you and your children.
Its all ok. You are in a prime place to heal and find peace. To not only improve your life but help us improve so many lives.
Your pain and trauma will become something that helps heal the world, one person at a time.
Blessings~*~
I'm finding not only is the writing helpful to heal, but it also helps me process what I'm learning more fluidly. I remember a time in my life when I very much disliked people giving me advise, mostly because I thought they were idiots and it was a waste of my time to hear them speak lol. That is the exact opposite about how I feel when you share perspective with me that I can't yet see on my own. I appreciate and benefit from all of it.
I know I can be slow to ask for help, and I'm sure you know why after reading some of my previous posts. That is going to be a hard one for me to change, I am working on it. At least now when people ask me how I am I don't plaster a fake smile on my face and say I'm just fine :-)
I know the bad feelings are not the end of the world, like they used to feel, but I almost feel guilty for having them at all since I know so many people are still in really bad situations and mine has improved 1000%! I am so thankful my children and I are safe. It is a step on the hierarchy of human needs I'm not familiar with, once I adjust to the safety, I will keep growing!
Thank you for holding space for people like me each and everyday. Even if I can help heal one person through my experiences, it will be totally worth it, and all thanks to you for creating a place for it to happen!
Bless it be~*~
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I will Follow back You
You are much more likely to get a flag than a follow with comments like that.
Hi @kimberleighfl a truely honest and moving post, thanks for sharing. I see your dilemma and whilst I only brought up 1 child with my wife working I can completely understand your predicament, I gave up on my career and what felt like life. Ultimately by helping shape your young children's life you will find the success in the achievement of watching them turn into better people than us that's the end reward. Although it feels like dark days, by focusing on too much you will become over burdened and not be able to deliver much. Your kids need you and need your full attention, there will come a time when they won't need you as much and you will be able to focus on you again. Good luck and keep on posting I am sure it will help you. Thanks for your honesty
Thank you @dukexox! I know it is just as likely for men to fall into the same day to day routine as women, especially when doing all the child care. I appreciate your comments, and sharing your perspective. I already have a 17 year old daughter that my total devotion and care did not really work out well with , so as I said that is a separate trauma I'm trying to release and not allow it to affect my feelings this time around. I haven't gotten that far yet lol. Anything else you want to add I am totally receptive to :-)
Hi @kimberleighfl may I first add my apology, having re read my comment it sounds very judgemental and for that I do apologize. In no way was it supposed to sound that way. As for the healing process we can't let what happened yesterday command who we are today. We can learn from mistakes made or attempts failed but if we drive looking in our rear view mirror we can't go forward. I do hope you can find some peace in yourself. By being there for your kids and being so open you are already a winner👍🏻why don't you start by tomorrow morning making yourself a green smoothie even with 2 hours sleep.
Thanks @dukexox. I did not feel your post was judgmental at all, and even if it had been intended that way, it would have been fine because that is how you feel. I agree that living in past is completely un-beneficial to all, however I do believe an un-examined life leaves us without the ability to learn from our past or to truly process all the experiences we have. I don't know if you have read any of my others posts, but I'm using Steemit as a platform to work through experiances I have found traumatic that so far have shaped my life not for the better. I'm experiencing them with a new perspective and in turn healing those scars to the betterment of myself, my life, and everyone around me. If you believe in energy, then I'm changing my vibration is the easiest way of saying it :-) This post is a very small part of that process, it actually connects to a much larger dysfunction I have been working on regarding my experiences with my own parents, etc. I'm learning as I go, and I hope that is coming off in my writing and it doesn't just sound like I'm bitching lol That is not my intention at all. I mean of course part of my initial perception and explanation will be frustration because I didn't know of a better way until I did all the examination and found something better. What I love the most about this writing is after I am done it is like releasing the problem I had with it. I have not felt frustrated at all with my parenting situation since I wrote this and that is my entire goal! PS I have been drinking a smoothie each day which is a great start to incorporate myself into the process of healing :-)
I commented at first without looking back at past posts, I have read a few of them now(can't find a way to bookmark them so keep having to flick through @quinneaker in his steem pants!!!) I couldn't agree more with you that you need to find a way to heal properly. From what I have read so far it seems you have been let down by everyone who was supposed to be looking after you and through no fault of your own. you have obviously now found a support network which is amazing for you and will help heal the wounds. I guess what I am trying to say is that the decisions we make today determine our future. Things that have happened in the past can have an effect on our way of thinking. For instance when new questions are asked of us if we still have a fear of past events then we will make choices through an irrational state of mind through the animal part of our brain ie flight, freeze or fight. Surrounding yourself by positive people is also an amazing step, you obviously are an extremely courageous person to still be looking to better yourself even with all the negative impacts you have had. So please keep up the writing it's definitely honest, realistic and very emotional, definitely not bitchy. It's amazing how writing can help with your emotional well being.
Thank you @dukexox! I have been so busy this last week helping people get ready for SteemFest 2 that I haven't even looked back at replies. I appreciate your input, and thank you for reading! You are dead on with everything you said. My life is so much improved these days! The writing is great for me, and I hope it benefits others too!
thanks for sharing keep it up
Will do! Thank you @shihabieee.
Congrats you see them. :) nice post.. you living your life to the fullest. i want to see more of your post. done following
Thanks @papa-hello! I appreciate the comments, and I have many to choose from if you want to read more about why I'm writing as part of my scar healing process:
Abused & Rising Above: When you're ready…
Abused & Rising Above: The First Time
Abused & Rising Above: Bang! 🔫
Abused & Rising Above: When you think you found a prince 🤴, make sure it is not a Hans … Part 1
Abused & Rising Above: Co-parenting Casualties 👨👩👧👦
Abused & Rising Above: Die Bitch Die!
Abused & Rising Above: Don’t Leave me Bro! Abandonment at Any Age Hurts
Awesome Post !
Thank you @sarah65! I appreciate the feedback, good or bad :-)
I read your post with such empathy. What stood out to me was that you did not only want to be a great parent, but also a great person. Dearest mother, you ARE a great person because you are an involved parent. Thinking of you.
Thank you @minnaloushe! It is truly a gift to be empathetic in this world, so many people are jaded by their own experiences it becomes almost impossible to care about others. I think as a mother our greatest success and largest failures we base on our children because we dedicate so much of our time and energy into their health and happiness. I have come to learn that our children are their own people and will be who they choose, but I don't want them to ever feel like I didn't give them a good base to learn from. I want my daughter to see me as a wonderful person even more than a mother so she can decide to be a wonderful person and not think her only option is a wonderful mother. If that makes any sense lol. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts and comments very much! I would love to hear any other things you may want to offer :-)
Awesome Post !
Thank you @talyor! I hope you find it useful in your own life journey :-)
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