We deal with negative people on a daily basis. They may be friends, family, or new acquaintances from work or social circles. There is a balance between enabling individuals to demotivate us, and moving on from harmful relationships. Let's face it, none of us are Superman or Wonder Woman, and there are some people we must move on from.
Firing our Friends
First off, when someone acts negative it does not mean that you fire them as a friend. There is an element of forgiveness in our daily lives and there is a big difference between allowing someone to be negative and a single negative act - learn to tell the difference. Someone treating you poorly does not give you license to give up on them right away. Have you considered they may be having a bad day?
We must remember that we measure others based on their actions, and we measure ourselves by our intentions. Does your friend know your intent? What you don't want is someone who is constantly belittling you, and seems to possess no care for what your needs are. When firing your friends, consider their past behavior before settling your future relationship.
Sometimes our most draining relationships are the ones we are closest to, our family. While it may be easy to leave a friend relationship, how do you leave family?
After a few years of family quandries, my wife and I have realized that it is impossible to completely remove family from your life. What has developed - and is still developing - is a process of interacting with those we care for but limiting the energy sapping that occurs while we are around them.
One boundary we have established is being around the family member or members while other people are present. It is not easy but it mostly alleviates the temptation on their part to share their "advice" for how we can better our lives. Most of the painful times occurred because there was not an accountability of people to support us at the moment. It is amazing what people will not say if there is positive peer pressure in the room.
Perhaps the biggest lesson we have applied with family is an attitude of gratitude. That may sound odd but it is amazing what you won't do because you remember how you felt on the receiving end. Choosing to see why your family is saying something, versus how they are saying it, will empower you with what to say to them in return. If you lash out in anger, the foul is no longer on them, it is on you.
While it is not ok to give someone a taste of their own medicine, it is also not ok to hide their meds. What do I mean? You are the culprit if you don't tell someone that they are harming you. Some folks are dense, and especially in the case of family old habits die hard.
If it is not clear that there is a problem, then there is no chance for reconciliation. You will only be causing yourself more harm by not saying one simple word, no.
Time can be of use healing wounds but it can also be sinking sand beneath your feet. The choice is yours where you choose to be.
While the rough relationships in my wife and I's life are not resolved the barrier of time is moving mountains. Loneliness is powerful when someone is prone to negativity and they end up being alone because people avoid them.
Allow yourself the freedom to heal, and enable the detrimental people around you to have some thinking space. It may take a while but it contiues to amaze me how much people change if you choose not to be around them. That is not always the case but if you are checking in from time to time it acts as a bright light in their darkness. They see a way out of their duldrums and it puts the onus on them to change while you keep living your life.
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If I have erred it has been in being a "friend" for too long. I find it hard to give up on people, but sometimes you have to.
Same here, I find it hard to give up on longer term friendships. I can say I've only had to distance myself from 1 close friend over the years...the negativity was just so destructive.
Yeah it is hard to do, and should not be done rashly. However, one needs to distance oneself from toxic people as an act of self preservation. Toxic people steal the own thing that we have: our todays.
I'm with you there. I'll put myself through the ringer before I give up on someone.
I love this post and topic! I think it speaks to so many. I think the hardest relationships to step away from are family. It is not always possible to salvage a relationship with family that tears you down on a daily basis. I don't live by the "blood is thicker than water" mentality - if someone (friend or family) is intentionally putting you down, and/or intentionally doing things to hurt you - you let them go. Life is too short to spend time with people that don't love and respect you.
I have stepped away from relationships with friends/family that were unhealthy because I needed to. You can try to fix the issues you have by talking to them, but if they aren't willing to do their part to listen - then that is that. There is nothing else that can be done. For me, the options are simple - work it out if you can, and if you can't, walk away. I have wasted too many years being kind to people that only tore me down in return.
Negativity is like a disease - spending time around negative people usually adds negativity to your day, and rubs some of that negativity off on you. That negativity then travels with you and can affect those that are positive in your life. The best way to keep the negativity from "spreading" is to stay away from it. You can hope that overtime the negative person will reflect on their issues and will "heal", but in the mean time, it is good to just stay away.
I wonder if Steemit could develop a "love" button like Facebook has, because your reply needs it.
Like you said, we waste too many years being kind to people who only tear us down in return. Is life really worth that? If they are speaking words we need to hear that is one thing but otherwise it is time to move on.
well, here's the thing - it's a current view to drop relationships including family ones that are stressful. For that matter, most marriages are over before they even get off the ground.
Family members are more open to give you 'free advice' because, well, they're family and have a comfortable certainty you won't just up and leave like others in their lives.
I think we have to be more forgiving with friends and family because God put them in our lives for a reason - if only to teach us to love even the unlovely. I know it's hard, but that's what it's all about. And, if I may add an observation, you and your wife are lovely people and I'm sure you've forgiven a lot. And you will be forgiven a lot because you've shown much love :)
I love your kind and measured words, John. It is a current viewpoint to drop relationships and that is one thing that makes me sad. We didn't want to go that route.
Stating the boundaries and loving those who can be unlovely has been a great source of growth for our character. God truly uses those kind of relationships to teach us how deep His love is for us. Thank you, brother.
Oh, I know you know that, but I've had a lot of experience in the school of hard knocks, and it's been mostly under my own roof :)
We are complex individual and sometime it needs putting yourself in the other person’s shoes to be emphatic. Empathy and patience are the key ingredient. Great post thanks for sharing.
Empathy and patience, that is so true.
Good read, my mom has always said "negative in, negative out". As a rather positive person myself I avoid negatively as much as I can.
We reap what we sow. Negative in, negative out - I like that.
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We can easily get rid of negative friends but with family is different. Maintaining harmony with the family is best because family is all we got. Nice post btw.
So true. I definitely work hard to maintain harmony with family.
Nice to read that great blog post @lydon.sipe !!
Nice to hear from you @blazing!
Thanks, Lydon, for this very constructive and encouraging post. You've hit multiple nails on the head here.
Patience and persistence. A gentle (but honest) answer turns away wrath. Having other family members present as a buffer. A little bit of shunning if nothing else works.
Hold the course, my friend. You've charted a good one.
😄😇😄
Thank you for your thoughtful encouragement brother. You always have wise and true insight.
great post! I'm so glad I got to follow you early on in my Steemit journey.
You are too kind, thank you!
Stepping back always gives perspective and if you are a person who recharges when away from people its something that is needed.
Amen to that. We all need a fresh perspective from time to time.
Some great advice on relationships like this, just listen to them for awhile, don't try to take over the conversation, just really listen. You'll find out what their real problem is and you will problem discover what they think of you. Then you are ready to make the decision. (Also though relationships take two, if all the want is to bring you down well if you listen you'll eventually discover why, buy warning you may not want the trouble). I like you idea of group gathering very wise.
You are spot on. Listening is crucial in situations like this. It is true that we often find the real problems when we stop and
I've definitely got this going on in my family...but I guess I'm the culprit since I haven't said anything! I hate confrontation and always just feel it's easier to put up and shut up. I may have to reconsider that now!
Oh, I understand that. My nature is to be quiet and let it slide. My problem is I let it slide too long and the burden grows.
Yes, that and the resentment! Which then becomes its own burden...
So true. It keeps building upon itself.
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Beautiful photos. wish I was there. I will follow you @lydon.sipe
yeah simply ignoring free advices i believe in hard work
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Thank you for the upvote.
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I had to take some time away from family for a while. I told each of them what I was upset about and I cut off all interaction for months. After not having communication with them for months I realized I was holding a grudge.
My wife would always tell me "Frank, you are going to regret not talking to your family if something would happen to them".I finally started going around them in limited bunches. Things have really changed! I would say the abscense really helped with that.
I always love your sincere answers Frank. This one hit home for me. There needs to be introspection on our part as well in order for a fair resolution to occur.