Excuse me, do you have a name tag?
A reedy voice piped nasally at me like a baby alligator squealing in a sock.
I looked up from my laptop to see which type of neer-do-well was haunting my Thursday office visit.
It was a wispy-looking, middle-aged man with grey skin and incredibly large glasses behind which his eyes swam lazily. I noticed he also had a stain over his left tit that looked suspiciously like egg or the infamous yellow sperm of the Latvian Mafioso.
I hoped for his sake it was egg.
Sorry?
I said perkily, like a well-thumbed nipple. Ahhrum... I am the fire warden for this floor and we're having a Fire test this afternoon. I am taking everyone's names sure that everyone has signed in and I can't see your name tag? Eggy-Womble coughed almost apologetically but at the same time with a predatory gleam in his eye as if I were a young rabbit and he was in the market for an extra lucky paw. Inwardly I groaned. My office still hadn't figured out the door entry system and despite being in the new office for ages now, we had to scribble our names on a sign-in sheet every morning. Needless to say, I never bothered my arse. Life is too short for other people's fucking nonsense. I don't use a name tag. I smiled at the wombling fool, hoping that we were sorted. You don't have one? But you have to, it's the rules? Eggy-Womble pursed his lips tight, like a lady penguin's under-purse in an arctic wind. Oh I do have one, somewhere but it's a pain in the arse putting it on my monitor so I don't bother using it. I wheeled a bit closer to old Eggy-Womble and nudged him jovially with my elbow as if we were two parachute-wearing brohams in a cargo plane at 40,000 feet and we were living for that shit. Eggy-Womble's face turned ashen. You what? You can't not just bother with it. It's...It's policy! His face reddened and dimpled so much that he resembled one of my Aunt Margaret's thighs. Listen, it's cool. I will put my name tag up next time. I left it in the house. Eh, how's that? We good? I tried to give him another amigo-nudge but he skipped back angrily. No, we are not good. I need your name and I will also be mentioning this to your line manager. It is very serious. What if there was a real fire, we need to know who is in and who isn't. Lives could be at stake. Eggy-Womble Looked into the distance, no doubt imagining me smeared in my own shit and screaming as flames raged around me. Oh for gaawwwwd sake. Fine. My name is Archer. I grinned at Egg-sac, nearby Bernie-the-Woman made a coughing noise that sounded suspiciously like a stifled laugh. And what is your first name Mr. Archer. Egg-Flambe leaned in close and hissed at me threateningly, like a cat in a biscuit tin. Archer is my first name mateychops. I turned my back on him and started inserting a swipey transition in a random PowerPoint slide deck. Right, that is it. This is appalling. I need to find your manager. I will be back! Egg-Nog was glistening with rage now like toad skin in the moonlight and strode off in the hunt of someone boss-like. Right, I am away for lunch. Say you have no idea who I was. I grabbed my stuff and stood up. I love hot-desking.
That would be a nipple of any sexual persuasion. I am an equal opportunities nipple thumber but I don't like hairy ones. Not since that time in Korea in '78
I have to swipe my badge 4 times before I even get to my desk, so they know where I am. Joking apart, nobody wants to be the stain on the scorched carpet if there really is a fire.
I don't mind a bit of swiping, I just can't believe they haven't hooked up the swiping system to our own servers yet like in our old place. It's like they take register on a clipboard now!
As soon as I hear a hint of fire alarm I am out that door! 😃😃
I could tell by the way you first described him that he was going to be a stickler for the freaking rules, squeakily so.
He won't have to tell your manager who ran him on like that, they'll already know as soon as he tells them. Who else there would have large enough cojones to do that???
Hehe, he totally was. I don't even think I had ever seen him before.
I wonder which manager he ran to. I am lucky in one respect that we have millions of them. More than workers it seems at times!
Good Lawd! I know THAT story. When I moved to a different department. I got a new supervisor and then another. I have a manager, a director and VP. The old department still has a small grasp on me, so there are 3 more supervisors, 2 more managers and another director and a VP. I don't even know my new director. I call her "you know, that woman".... ha ha ... but of course, not where she can hear. Too many roosters, not enough chickens I say.
And they wonder where the waste lies and constantly patrol the work by the chickens when they need to be taking a long hard look at the middle layer above. It's ridiculous!
I know THAT's right !
Indeed life is too short for such bullshits. That's why we eliminate them as we grow older 😄🍺
Eliminate all the bullshits till there are none left!! That's my motto!
Bullshits must be eradicated, it's a widely accepted policy (in certain circles.)
I wish to be chief bullshits eradicator. I think it works be a fine title to have! 😃
Yes, who would not want their business card to say that; good perks for the job too I reckon.
Policies, policies....just a way the bosses use to get us to be 'uniform'... more like controlled lol. At least you didn't have to hold hands with your co-workers on the way to lunch lol.
Holding hands might have been the last straw. I hate most policies but at least I can understand some but others are just so stupid!! I have told them to get their swipe in system sorted so we don't have to sign shit each day 😃😃
lol good for you! Some policies are necessary, like no guns in the courtroom, those I can get behind.
On the flip side, those archaic policies, like signing in on a piece of paper are ridiculous...I mean, are you not adults?? Can you not be relied on to show up? Next step would be you have to sign in with a different color crayon each day.
oooh how pretty lol. I have minimal patience for that kind of policy
I can imagine crayon writing going down a treat in my place as its full of clowns 😀
No guns in a courtroom. I agree, i think that one might be alright!!
You're like a ghost 👻
Also what is this hairy Korean nipple story?
The ghost face kills!
Lol. I am constantly being told off for not wearing my pass. I hate that shit.
Thankfully there is no Korean story. I just thought it sounded good 🤣🤣
I have to wear a badge as well at work. It is annoying.
Too bad about the story. Sounds like it would have been a good one lol
I dare not think where such a story might have led!!
Yeah, they are militant about it in my place. They think we are a prime target for terrorists and bad actors 😃
I remember reading a story once where someone at a work function complaining of one of his bosses, and the woman to whom he was speaking said, "don't you know who I am? I'm his wife!"
To which the complainer replied, "well, don't you know who I am?"
"Well, no..."
"Good!" And he vanished onto the crowd
Hehe. The joy of not wearing a pad with your visible name on it!!
Anonymity is splendid, it allows many sins!
Hello my dear Sir, those industrial Safety and Hygiene policies are endless at the time of any situation of imminent danger. And finally, which boss are he(Egg-Nog)complaining to? on the hot desk ♨️😁
Hola milady!!
We have so many bosses finding one would get like shooting fish in a barrel 🤣🤣
😝
Lol!
When I was working in office, the manager used to be like that, so one day we lied like that and left office for a trip and I got to know Ajr. Later, there was a lot of disrespect. But all those moments were memorable.
It sounds like Egg-Nog needs a gummy in the worst way...10mg of indica should do the trick! Lol.
That is mighty smooth sir. I hope you didn't actually get in trouble for it. If the guy was serious about reporting you, I guess he can just ask your neighbors what your actual name is. I can't say I'm mad at the guy for being strict while doing his responsibility. If it was any other day than the fire test day, then maybe.
You've had an experience that has really marked you... since ‘78, Oh, man.... well, I hear you.
And there is a Latvian mafia and that thing you mention is famous? Was it in an expensive drink or something? I just know I don't know anything, Archer. Lol.
Ha ha! I am the one doing the fire check, so occasionally, people run out of the building because I forget to tell them about the alarm.