Balls, the most precious things in the universe. Don't believe me? Look up. The sun which we depend upon for life itself. It's nothing more than a great big burning ball of hydrogen and helium. The planets - big balls of rock or gas. Except Earth of course. It's obviously flat. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH.
Balls are everywhere. Precious, bouncing, happy balls. But, I hear you ask? Are you just going to talk balls in this post?
Of course not, well perhaps.
The reason I am wittering on so much about balls is that first thing this morning I took one of the hardest kicks in the nuts I have ever had. It was from my daughter.
Caught square in the bojangles. The haw maws. The cheeky coconuts. I kid you not. I almost fainted from the pain. It was like Popeye when he eats spinach. I could feel it BOING all the way up from my happy sacks, swelling and gaining power like a tsunami before exploding in my head.
How could a four and a half years old girl deliver one of the hardest kicks ever? I aint sure.
Perhaps it was because I was completely relaxed. Lying there in bed. Perhaps because I was completely unguarded in that joyous dream state between waking and sleep. I heard a noise. A delightful little daughter noise.
Daddy
My eyelids fluttered. I smiled slightly, Aw, my little girl deciding to wake me up. Perhaps she will kiss me on the cheek?
I think I changed colour several times and passed out. What I managed to piece together from the good lady was that my daughter had been standing on the bed and decided to leap up into the air and land on my stomach. Except her geography was off.
Two knees colliding with my BFF's and mashing them against my pelvic bone. The noises I made caused a mass beaching of whales of the coast of Scotland.
They don't tell you this when you become a parent. They don't tell you to count how many times you have ever been clobbered in the crown jewels because that is gonna be a number that you laugh at in years to come as that number is dwarved by the number of times they will be repeatedly pounded by your little dearests.
It is insane. How anyone manages to protect them long enough to be able to spawn more than one child beats me.
It all starts when they are old enough to crawl. Invariably they slip when climbing on daddy mountain and an inadvertent knee or elbow strikes you like at a speed and accuracy a ninja would be envious of.
As they get bigger and older and start to walk their head gets to be that perfect height so that when they run to you for a hug you get rattled in the haw maws rather a lot.
In my life before parenthood, I think I could genuinely count on one hand the number of times I had been severely blootered in the fruits.
Now they hang there like slightly throbbing jellyfish. pulsing away, dreading the inevitable next time.
So my advice to you, the prospective parent is this. You might find yourself in awe of this perfect little life you have created. You might find that you enter into a new era of responsibility and joy.
But for pitys sake. Prepare yourself.
Perhaps soaking them frequently in white spirits to toughen them up might work?
But prepare for the special pain. The pain that you thought you had left behind long ago...
Perhaps it's your daughter's way of telling you to stop after 2 children hmm? Maybe she just wants one little sibling and that's it. Done. Finito. A royal castration, if there ever was one.
I was nervous when you were listing down ball-like planets, but breathed a sigh of relief when you emphasized that Earth was flat. Good on you embrace the truth, dude!
And I shall do what you advice, and, shall we say, gird my loins for the upcoming battle ahead!
Soak em in white spirit!! ;0)
She had been doing it since she was tiny. Perhaps she wanted me to to stop before the was any siblings!!
I put that there deliberately to tease the round earthers !!
Haha! She had failed once, expect that she won't take it lying down! Prepare for heavy smacking in the months to come. Who knows, Boom Baby #2 is waiting on the wings as well. It might join her older sister on the action, or at the very least carry on with the tradition. A passing of the baton of baton-bruising, ifyouknowwhatimsayin ;)
Those damn round earthers don't know when to quit! Even in the face of facts they still argue their fictional nonsense!
They do, they keep claiming balh blah blah circumference blah!!! :O)
Yeah I am not looking forward to the potential tag teaming nonsense in the future!
whoaaaat?
so this is why you got sick :)
It might have been!!!
These balls are huge!
Gigantic!! And red!!
Balls, baby:
I cant think of a better person to sing it :OD
This post was hilarious @meesterboom. of course, not for what you endured...I cannot imagine...but for the way you tell it! I thought you were going to talk about the sun and the earth, and then basketball etc LOL
Pobres cojones...
Hehe, very suitable gif!! Yes, the post could have went many ways!! :0)
I hope it didn't make you upset...but I had to use a gif...it's probably funny after the fact, but not when it happens...
I am laughing now ;0)
Ah... that kinda pain.
Trev had the snip (we found out what caused children and sorted it...)
He had the 'op' private because the horror stories from work made him realise he was too chicken to chance any grapefruit-sized 'nads.
So, the next day, he was back at work, no problem... a little tender in certain areas, but no worries at all.
Now, as you mentioned... 4 year-old kid = nut-height to Daddy.
Result = 2 weeks off work, with strict instructions to NOT (under ANY circumstances) lift anything, not a cup of tea, a remote control, or anything.
Oh boy...
Oh my!! I will have to remember that one because I can see a similar event coming in my future!! :0)
Michelle just asked me if I remember the two weeks. Now let me think.
Uch, I've been bojangled in the danglers so hard one time that I litterly could not see for 15 minutes. Then it took another 15 for my sight to gradualy return. I know what you speak of. Though that was before I had kids. That was war on the soccerfield. the kids though do manage to bullseye the twins more than I care for though. That morning off-aim jump in bed has taken me down to a bawling baby more often than I care to admit.
Haha, the hump in the bed is the absolute worst!!! Loved your description!!
Sounds like something they should give out at the hospital on birthing day. A footballer's daddy-cup. "Here, wear this till you're kid is 15". Sounds like a truly fun endeavour, though I have no wee ones, so only the slipped bike-seat is my nuttular nemesi.
Oh I have done that, the slipping bike seat, nightmare!
A cup given out at birth might be a very good idea :0)
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Sounds like fatherhood is a full contact sport. Best you start cupping them fuzzardly dice when you know you're most likely to be off guard.
Just keep it a secret from them, or they're likely to intentionally target them two trouble makers...ok...I've gone too far...don't know you or your brood. But you do...up to you...'cause the more they get whacked...the sooner you'll be doing it to yourself when unmindful as you flop yourselves onto a chair.
You have been warned...
It is very full contact. I have also never been hit so much in the face. But that doesnt sound quite so interesting :O)
Sounds like whenever I have one of these little ones myself I may invest in a new jock strap and cup. Gotta protect the boys anyway I can!
I would heartily recommend that!
Brought me back to the time my oldest niece, now 23, as 5 year old, just hauled off and ruptured my entire masculinity. After some time, I picked her up by the upper arms and stated "If I punched you, it would end your world. If you punch me in the crotch again, guess what, I'm going to punch you in the face."
We had a great understanding after that. To be fair, my dogs love to leave the bed by launching off my crotch.
Animals do seem to like a soft launchpad!
Lol, I have explained this. She genuinely didnt mean it this time hehe
Time to start wearing a cup to sleep I think! (or perhaps at all times...)
All times might be necessary!
That's usually the time the missus will say "Suck it up, Cowboy...that aint nothing to birthing them"...
Lol, yeah, mines says that too!
Your story reminded me of this:
Lol, yes that is very apt!!
Wau, that is the worst blow that life can give you! I imagine, the pain !!!!
I wish you a good start to the week
I do not wish it on anyone. I am so sorry dear friend @meesterboom.
I am thankfully recovered from the crushing blow, cheers @jlufer!
I'm upper, upper class high society
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
All the social papers say I've got the biggest balls of all!
I always loved that song! I have the guitar in my head now
While I did the whole crazy giggling thing through this post, which is per usual, my husband guffawed. I mean literally. I have a feeling he relates (I know very well he relates LOLOLZ) I have never heard so many different ways of saying kick to the balls, and there's no possible way that there are better ways of saying it then yours....blootered in the fruits...I heart you. hahaha.
Such delicate easily bruised fruits!! Hehehhe!
I am thinking of starting a foundation!
Oh my. And she did it all in love.
I know, bless
Dude, you are very right! Might not be a bad idea to invest in a cup and make it part of the daily routine along with putting on pants lol.
I would say it hurt so bad because you were in a relaxed state.
Stay Alert Stay Alive
I have a cup as well from my old kung Fu days. Tend to sleep without it these days though :0D
Lol, you were in bed huh.
And it hurt all the more for it!
Ouch!
I feel your planet model is a bit lacking so please have this more realistic representation of the Earth!
Aw, look at that!! Truly awesome!!!
What the hell it's so funny oh sweet flat potato!)) Take care of your balls man.
I will attempt to take more care now. They look like corned beef!!
Sorry, I'm laughing at your pain! In my own experience, kids and pets are nut demolition experts
Yeah my cats have caught me a few times. Lord knows what a dog would be like!!
My dog used to laser target me with her front paws... still, i miss her. Odd that this memory is a fond one now that she's gone
It is funny the things you look back on fondly, I know what you mean
Ouch, got the t-shirt and the ice pack ;-) wait till the 2nd one arrives!
Not long now?
I think it is 12 weeks. The missus knows to the hour obviously. Me, I have to be reminded every ten minutes :0)
Sounds all to familiar ;-)
I bet ;0)
Whilst your little ones are that young its best to always be prepared around that area.maybe extra padding at all times lol
Extra padding is being considered from now!!!
Now that's a meesterboom!
Not arf!! :OD
Sorry for your pain but it did made a good story. Thank u for sharing!
Was glad to, Cheers for reading!!
My balls are pretty precious... but they are fragile... nick them while you are shaving them and you'll see...
Ouch, not a case for aftershave!
"Blootered in the fruits" - consider this stolen, sir ;)
I am glad it's worthy of stealing!!! :0D
So my advice to you, the prospective parent is this. You might find yourself in awe of this perfect little life you have created. You might find that you enter into a new era of responsibility and joy.
But for pitys sake. Prepare yourself.
Perhaps soaking them frequently in white spirits to toughen them up might work?
But prefer for the special pain. The pain that you thought you had left behind long ago...
Ahem
So by copying the last part and pasting it in a comment mean that you approve or disapprove? Is this some new thing?
Great :)
Hmm, the event no, the story... Well alright then, yes!
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Wowsers. Cheers! I will read!
Upvoted!
Haha really good read!
Cheers mate!
Bork!
Nobody warns you about how strong they are, even as little nippers. Its definitely one of things that shocked me most about being a parent, but being a lady its the boobs that get the battering!
Amen to that! Balls are power :D
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ahahahahahaha holy balls!
Hopefully those balls still work......
hahahahaha
SteemoN!
I hope so too!! Hehe
hahahahahahaha