And so, that is why we are looking to get assurances from everyone that they will attend the office at least twice a week.
El Jefe stopped pacing around in front of the meeting table and looked at us all in turn. There were about eight of us crammed into a small Covid-friendly meeting room.
We all looked back at El Jefe without blinking like weird lizard people. Hell, in my workplace some of my colleagues probably were lizard people.
I looked to my side at Kipper. His oily skin gleamed like shaved rats smeared in butter running across a rope in the moonlight.
Yep, fucking lizard.
Big Hettie, a monster of a woman shook her head fiercely at El Jefe.
No. No. No.
She tutted loudly and looked around for support.
A few people murmured in agreement and shuffled their feet. It was hardly a ringing endorsement.
Boom, lend a girl a hand?
She whispered fiercely like a Norse God of thunder.
I sighed, El Jefe had been on the rampage today as if he had tried to tickle a hedgehog's insides with his penis without realising it had turned itself inside out.
Rumour was abounding that he was about to get his jotters which in Scottish means getting sacked to fuck.
Boom?!
Big Hettie glowered redly at me.
Fucking hell, talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. Big Hettie was not a woman to be crossed. She had such strong hands that even Elephants feared the thought of a hand shandy from her.
Boss man, two days a week, isn't that a contravention of our human rights?
El Jefe whirled like a giant ball of bacon on an electric spit. His eyes gleamed with delight as he saw that it was me joining in with the raining on his parade.
You... How come you're never inactive?
He snarled like Charlton Heston being manhandled by a damn dirty ape.
What do you mean?
I replied innocently whilst a leaded ball of dread formed in my stomach.
I got a report from Network Ops. We all did on our respective teams. My fucking team is hardly ever active. I mean, for fuck sake, you...
He rounded on Wetty yet another glistening candidate for Lizardhood in my team.
Last week your laptop was inactive for eighteen and a half hours?!
He snapped his head left and pointed one of his bratwurst fingers at Bernie-the-Woman.
And you, where were you last Thursday, you were only logged on from half past eight till just after nine?!
Bernie-the-Woman stuttered something about reviewing a document offline.
We all winced at that one.
But at least out of all of the reprobates on my team who never seem to be logged on there is someone who is a shining example of productivity. Someone who is never offline, never away, whose screen never locks through inactivity. Someone who is online from the very start of the day to the very end...
He stepped forward and doinked me in the shoulder quite deliberately with a grubby-looking index finger.
Hopefully, it wasn't the one he stuck up his arse when masturbating.
I thought of my amazing wheeze of putting an optical mouse on an old watch so that my screen would never lock. It was a fantastic trick. Nobody ever really knew if you had decided to spend half an hour on the toilet playing Tetris or jiggle your kumquats in the shower for an hour.
You ain't got nothing on me, copper.
I smirked like a moustachioed man driving a Chevy with the top four buttons of his shirt undone.
El Jefe's face darkened to the colour of a bruise on a corpse's neck. He looked ready to explode. Then he took a deep deep breath and let it out slowly.
His hands waved out and down as if fending off guinea pigs.
When he spoke again his voice wobbled with forced calm.
Look, guys. It's been flagged. We all have to make more of an effort. We have all... you know... so that's how it is.
He looked around beseechingly, for once almost disturbingly human. More fool him because if the Lizards thought he was human they would have no qualms about eating him and wearing his skin.
Hang on, we? Did you say we?
I pursed my lips like a Japanese office worker browsing the Tentacle Porn section of his local supermarket.
Huh? Yes, we all need to up our game.
El Jefe grunted exasperatedly.
You got caught!
I blurted out excitedly What?! No, I didn't?! El Jefe's eyes darted about madly as if the buttered rats were swarming the floor toward him for revenge. You so did. That's why you have been in such a mood! Wahaha!! I proclaimed loudly like only the man with a perfect never idle laptop could do. This conversation is over. El Jefe glared at us all and then stamped out of our little room. I snorted with merriment. I saw the big skiving bastard in Waitrose last week in the middle of the afternoon so I think you could be right. Grunted Big Hettie. Did he see you? No, I hid. She said with pride as if she had finally snared the guy who fixes the printers. I rolled my eyes. Fucking amateurs.
Like a real blurt not the shit blurt that ex Hive scammers get banished to
Fucking lizard 🦎 🤣🤣
An office can become an arena in the matter of seconds. I share an office space with 3 people and while we don't have beef, other in our building will barge in ignore a few of us and waste time conversing with the others... We all end up annoyed with one another for a week 🥲🙄
Hehe, I like offices with a small number of people in them. Once yo get open plan with a couple of hundred folk then the tensions start simmering! lol
People working only a couple hours per day or in some extreme cases of working a different job entirely on another company's time 😂 - Situations like these are the unfortunate reason why work from home may not last long term. Either that or someone will eventually create super invasive software that will monitor an individual down to 5 minute increments and make working from home not even worth the invasion of privacy. I'm by no means on the side of any corporation, but realistically the abuse of the system by some or many individuals will likely lead to companies not allowing it at all.
It is always the way. I remember when our place trialled allowing people to use social media on the work computers. The canned it a couple of months later because of the sheer amount of time people spent on it.
We also previously had two testers who were actually running their own company from our place and doing nothing but clocking in with us.
So yeah, I see the days of milk and honey being numbered!!
Yeah I've heard that as well at other companies. It's unfortunate really because work from home is such a great benefit but it means it won't last.
I always hate the folk that ruin it for everyone else. They just don't think. A bit like the Hive scammers who go nuts when they get caught, lol
Haha yeah that's a good example 🤣
If El Jefe had been paying attention, he’d have known to back off then and there. In poker terms, that’s a tell.
Hehe, it was most definitely a tell!! :0D
It's things like this that make me happy to be 'my own boss' somewhat. I mean, I can be a taskmaster, surely but I almost never reprimand myself if I take an 'online' break. Actually to be honest, during my 'studio working time' (self-inflicted) I do set a timer for breaks...otherwise well...
When I used to work 'outside the home' every so often I always chose the dumb mindless job of barista. There was always interesting people to meet both as fellow employees as well as customers. It seemed often to be the purgatory of the 'creatives' or the 'in between doctoral phd on Victorian poetry' you know the type...we lazy 'creatives' haha.
I only worked in an office once, when I was young. IT was a small business that shipped lobster dinners all over the country (Very Seaside New England job haha) and I hated it...between timed coffee breaks and watercooler banter, it was hell for an introvert.
Funny, that, I'd play a convincing extrovert behind a coffee counter, slinging joe and steaming expensive lattes, but in an office...ugh.
I do wonder how long the 'work from home' will last for the office worker. The coming future is Dire for Office real estate. It will plummet and thus that realm of jobs will have to re-evaluate itself. I worry about a lot of that work force...and AI is not going to be the office workers friends. In the 80's the robot took the manual labor jobs of factory workers, now look out office work...and of course they're coming for the artists and writers too.-
It is, indeed, a Brave New World...thank heavens we have human humour...for now. I just thought of the South Park episode with the Humor robot haha...we're none of us safe I guess.
A timer for the breaks is probably quite a good thing as I can imagine wandering away and getting caught up in a million things and 'forgettting' to come back!
I think you are right that a lot of creative folk end up doing the old barista thing. In the old days it used to be working behind a bar but I think defo more are doing coffee shop work. I can imagine it being more fun that being chained to a desk.
I think it will last for a while but it is killing the inner cities as they have lost masses of foot fall and loads of companies are ditching their office space. I am hoping to do no more than 50% in the office as I quite like sitting in my underwear Hive'ing whilst working :OD
I don't blame you, I enjoy that too, tho minus the underware...no wait that didn't come out right, let's say many more layers on top of that haha...New England Winters are more about heavy dressing gowns and wooly slippers for lounging haha. Tho, honestly, I have to be 'dressed for the day' as I learned a long time ago as a 'work at home' if I confuse 'work' part of day with 'lounge' it gets blurred and stuff doesn't get done, ah well.
Good luck with that 50percent at home!
Cities are in for a big Redo , one I don't entirely approve of, but the future comes at us whether we like it or not I suppose.
I do agree with the old dressing for work. At least in something that is different from normal lounge about wear or pyjamas!! Otherwise everything fries get too blurred and you just pay about in your pants doing nothing all day!!
I fear El Jefe finally found out you spend most of your 'active' time on Hive/ Peakd...
;^)
This was a tense read. I so don't miss these kind of workspace situations.
Blegh...
He knows I ask up to something I suspect but the year looks to be on him. I will just amend my ways slightly :0D
Haha, keep doing it the ninja way, buddy!
Hello Mr. @meesterboom definitely when working between 4 walls called an "office" there are times when you should analyze very well the situation you are facing so that there is no paralysis and the environment sucks, especially with the co-worker who gives them the most know-it-all.
And that's fine, but, keep in mind that the decision is not always life or death hahah as it happened in his story I would say analysis is not paralysis.
I am glad that he is already returning to his work in good health. After the covid, we have to take things slowly and breathe life and health.
Offices been be fraught things indeed. I think we are all our of the way of working together face to face due to home working. I half hour it stays that way! ;0)
It is that working with other human beings face to face is to face everyday life as it is "endless days" of real stories that are virtually not felt in the same way.
You take care of yourself and recover your integral health so that you can move forward, visualizing a better place for your immediate present.
I am full of the visualisation don't worry!!
Take care Mr @meesterboom 🌻 I feel the good vibe despite the distance , have the best weekend possible is my wish for you and your family.
Receive my respect for you always 🍀
You know that I also suspect a couple of people... I guess lizardmen are among us, probably some rule us; maybe not, if lizardmen ruled the world would be better.
However there are and I will be able to find one! Of course I'll send you the evidence... a finger or maybe an ear, your choice.
It would be far better, lizards would take no snash and we would all have to fall in line! :OD
Yes, I agree, then the only explanation is that there are still a few, perhaps in reconnaissance and the others will arrive as soon as possible ... mmm, yes, it seems plausible to me.
Haha, is it can be slightly plausible them it must be happening!!
Should we form a resistance? 😀
I don't know we have to understand how strong they are and then decide at the most we could join them... as the saying goes, if you can't beat them.
Then oh, if it must be resistance, let it be resistance!
We could join them and be secret rebels at the same time. Taking them down from the inside!!!
This would be a great move, from within we could undermine their resistance!
Great plan, You have earned command of operations!💪
You want to be the commander right? It's for the good of humanity!
Oh no ! I would hate to have to go back in any amount of days, not even one a month.
For us though, we are working through the company programs and we make transactions, so they can not only tell when we are inactive, but they can also tell how many transactions and when. This wasn't new to working at home though, it was already like that when we went into the office too. When the company gets too large for them to keep up with the massive amount of workers, they have to have the system do it so all they have to do is read a report of maybe not even that, just get an alert when some worker isn't complying with the requirements.
Our company would have to go to a little more trouble now to bring us back in though as they no longer have the huge building we were working in. A few they can have come back in other places if need be, but it would be major to decide to bring us all back. I'm not going back. I believe I would quit first. That is easy to say though, since I don't think there is any chance of it. LOL
I had already thought about teaching someone else my job and paying for them to sit in once in a while.
For a while I was doing one a fortnight. Heck, even though I am meant to be doing one a week I am still doing about one a month. I always seem to find an excuse to get out of it.
Thats the same with ours. They might harbour all these fancy notions of getting us in more but they got rid of one of the offices and I genuinely think they can only support half the workforce in at a time maximum! Which suits me just fine!
I thought of my amazing wheeze of putting an optical mouse on an old watch so that my screen would never lock. It was a fantastic trick.
Never heard of this before, but it does explain some things for me, as few people that underperformed in the past were also forever online and we couldn't figure out why.
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Hahaha, yes, I think I might have inadvertently given their cheeky game away!!
!BEER !
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With "El Jefe" you reminded me one kinda awkard situation I made. Was used to use "el jefe" in spanish on informal basis, while addressing somebody (latinos usualy use something as a refference to a person they are addressing and I really never got into using "bodily" description as they use pretty much - Hola chico/chica/flaco/gordo/moreno/rubia/... or typical hermano/amigo/hijo/...) and never realised they don't use it in Dominican republic - they use "lider" for example.
I was using blah blah blah tu sabes jefe! and I was receiving mixed reactions. So anyway later I found out that "El Jefe" was a nickname for one and the only Dominican dictator Rafael Trujillo who is still a topic here, although he was assasinated in sixties as a result of his more and more bloody regime. Still feeling embarrassed from the mess I made with this and I won't lie, that "El Jefe Arise!" worked like a clickbait for me :D Take care and stay safe in office world!
Hehe, I didnt know that about the term "El Jefe"! I mean I knew about the boss bit but not about the dictator bit!
Its funny how Spanish changes in many places so that it is quite easy to make these kind of mistakes!
Take care mate!
After working home for a while, people wouldn't want to go to work waking up early, I have seen this in our office 😁
I think it is happening in ours too. I am starting to think that the days of working from home might be numbered!!
Pre-Covid, while still working at the office, I used to use the exact opposite tactic. I would arrive at the office, then immediately turn my teams/skype/lync to show me as away, then proceed with my day.
A couple of times a day, the bossman would swing by, and look at me funny. (In his brain, I could see him thinking, "but the light shows yellow - the light doesn't lie") But he never asked. So I thought I'd pick it up a notch.
When I heard him coming over... {Listen for the wheezing}. I got down under my desk to fix a "loose cable". When he peered around the corner, he didn't see me, so asked my neighbour if she'd seen me. I quickly, quietly got up and back in my chair. My neighbour, who I'd just been chatting with, got up and came over to my cube and said "Hi". I responded "Hi". The Bossman looked in and was a little stunned. Again, he huffed and walked away.
Rinse and repeat for about 3 months.
Then the Gods smiled down and had him demoted - then we upgraded to a competent manager. The new manager's philosophy is ... as long as the job gets done, and noone finds the bodies, everyone's doing a great job.
Hehe, that's quite a good head messing!!
That's the best way isn't it? You get the best out of folk when you let them be and get in with the job. Then if the job isn't getting done you can crack heads but if it is then just let it be!
https://a.co/d/ak19CtT
I figured I'd share this. A $10 mouse jiggler USB attachment. :). Give one to everyone in your team. (The one's you want to keep). :)
Oh man! I want one of them. Ithink I will get one in fact. I am sure they didn't use to exist. Or maybe I just didn't search well enough!
I thought you might like that. But your optical mouse with an analog watch is quite brilliant as well!!!
Desperate times call for desperate measures, lol!
Have you got one yet? They are very useful. For me. I like to go take a coffee break without my computer locking up before I get back. When working from home, I believe the threat of someone sitting down at my computer and doing something is basically 0. When I want to lock it, I lock it.
You should buy each of your team a typing bird!
My memory instantly flashed back to this episode of the Simpsons after reading your post. : )
Lol. One of those would be great! Tapping out over the space bar!!
The Simpsons is hilarious, I haven't seen much of it for a while but used to watch it all the time!
I used to watch it all the time too but haven't seen it in years!
Its funny that. The same with South PArk for me but I have heard its still honking funny!
I'd revisit it but my wife can't stand it! I'd have to watch while she's sleeping. It's odd how many predictions about the future they've gotten right. Have you heard about that?
I haven't actually? I take it there nailed a few?
It’s shocking, really. https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/simpsons-future-predictions-accurate-1140775/
Where is the exit?
Heavy duty office life.
Fix of the day for a good laugh!
!BEER
I know, run for the hills!!! Office life sucks :0D
Problem is the people... 🙃most times!
I totally agree. When you are surrounded by a big bunch of folk you realise how many are actually annoying chumps!
Glad mommy taught me not to mix work with friends.
Wise advice!!
Ah.. so much of this I can identify with being a Teams manipulator (but not using the watch trick yet). The make us go 3 days a week, if it goes to 4.. then I will be fucking off quick!
Dumb management are going backwards, next it will be mandatory ties.
Three days, ooft, that would be brutal. I used to do the PowerPoint slideshow trick. It stops the screen from locking too! The watch means that you can still do stuff!
I feel you, if I didn't have a mortgage I would peck it in!
They really measure your screen inactivity? Wow...closest I came was getting into bother for too many smoke breaks at First Direct in about 1990 as they logged us in and out of doors..I soon fixed that by sneaking in and out when other went to the toilet, it was all so simple back then. Cool trick with the watch, just goes to show old skool can still beat the latest tech. The system gaming would make the job worthwhile for me!
More power to you my friend and have a great weekend :-)
PS the finger in the arse trick doesn't work so well when you get to a certain age, you usually just dribble piss. Not really the desired effect :-(
They didn't use to measure it but I think they are starting to push us into the office again and just have decided to start fighting us with stats!!!
Damn, old age bites the big one!!
Man if you gonna take the piss you gotta do it right! Boom wins again!
People need to be responsible man. But they make it easy for some us to shine. Most people are under performing and doing shit, if you do the bare minimum and a little more you look like the smartest hardest working person ever. It's quite pathetic though. Happy to take the money, but really unhappy when they get called out in it. That's why I love freelancing hey. I'm not expected to be there all the time. If you complain I say but you just paying me for 10 hours of my time a month. Why is it a problem!?
!PIZZA
They do make it easy for others to shine! I was once saying to the Good Lady that I didn't think I was exceptionally amazing at my job but I am fairly good but when you factor in 80% of the workforce appears to be clowns then suddenly you look amazing in contrast!
Here in Pakistan took a year off during the Corona days, after that when we went too, it was a very strange failure because after such a long time it is a little difficult to get back into the routine, Then it took some time to become routine again. But even today, when people remember that time and think that he would have had a lot of rest when he worked hard for a year. The way the people in the office were looking at her must have scared her more because when people look at her like that, one gets very worried.
It can be hard adjusting back to it all.
I hope we never have to go fully back to the way it was. If so I will get another job!
I seem to remember a time when it was five, sometimes more 😂 We really are in sci-fi land now!!!
Sounds like you are about to get a new boss?
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
I sometimes wish I would get a new boss and then I think no because better the devil you know!!
W would never have dreamed of such home working a few years ago. Things truly have changed!
As tragic as Covid was / is, I have to admit that in some areas it did force the world to catch up with what technology is capable of...
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It totally did. It pushed tech to be better. Our original home working was awful but now it's probably more productive to work at home
Definitely! No commuting, meals and breaks when they make sense for you, and fewer distractions. The only drawback I see is if someone is truly lazy and needs supervision. But in general they find a way around it even if they are supervised 🤣
I really don't know if my work monitor our laptops. Even if someone's in the office they can still be skiving. I did hear they caught a guy who was coming to the office, but then having a sneaky sleep in his car. I'm just wary of the risks of being caught. Just try to ensure people can say nice things about my work.
You don't want to do the wrong sort of 'blurt'. I upset too many people on the Mary Celeste that is the refuge of the great unloved.
Must try that trick with the mouse...
I genuinely do it's work in the office than I do at home. In the office there are so many distractions and tea breaks and the like.
The Marie Celeste, heh heh, I like that one!
El Jefe is up there with Omar from the Wire as one of my all time favourite characters.😂
Hehe, it would take some to beat Omar!! :0D
your hairs are looking real, how you have grown them this soon ? :O
Hehe, I am good at the photo manipulation!!! :0)
then I would say photo manipulation at it's best ;)
Lol. Nah, good enough to pass!! :0)
yeah, I can easily say you are good at graphic designing ;)
I used to do a bit of Photoshop for web development. I have forgotten much but still remember some basics
Good to know ;) Have a good day.
The trick you employed is a very nice one even though I have never heard or experienced where someone put an optical mouse on an old watch so that his screen will not go off...
That is quite interesting.
It is a good one, a handy use of an old watch!
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Hello sir what happened again why I got your downvote??
I remember our conversation about engaging with the community on hive. I see you commented a few posts for a couple of days after that and then lapsed pretty much stopped for 20 days.
You still managed to post every single day though.
As I said, if you aren't part of the community you don't deserve rewards.
Actually I didn't understand this mean sir , if you aren't part of the community you don't deserve rewards.
Can you explain something??? actually I don't know so much and I am a expertise so that's why didn't have so much time but I am trying sir
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Hahah oh ol’ Jefe. At least he didn’t get caught snapping his carrot on company time or even worse in the office. He definitely was under the microscope though getting caught lol.
I enjoy remote work but I don’t enjoy that aspect of it. For a little while in the beginning I was turning on a meeting and leaving it there with no one in it if I had to walk away afraid if I was idle it would get flagged or something. Now I’m too busy to have to worry about that lol so it’s feast or famine with some of it.
How in the FUCK was this post worth $100?!?!?! Hahahahaha
Cos it's fucking AMAZING!! 😀
Hahaha gotcha. Slobbing on those knobs must be amazing as fuck. You go girl!!!!!!!!