I had a day off today! A splendid thing. What is one to do with a day off? Well, I asked my daughter what she would like to do. She was quite unequivocal in her answer. She wanted to go and see a
A snake thought I? Where the hell will I find a snake? Being Scotland, we don't have many running around wild. Not even little ones. There might be some adders in the highest peaks and glens but apart from that, nada.
I racked my brain. Ok, I didn't rack my brain. I googled it.
Ah, there we go. Ridiculously close by in one of the many, many parks which are scattered around Glasgow there is a Glasshouse, containing within a reptile house. Bingo!
So off we trotted.
In no time at all, we had found the Glasshouse and posed for a picture next to the giant panda wood carving outside. This was a fine day!
We entered the lizard house like Indiana Jones and that annoying little sidekick of his. No, not the monkey from that last awful film. It was hot. Somewhere a squawking thing squawked.
We perused the many tanks and cages containing sleepy animals of many descriptions. The snakes were scarce. Most of them seemed to be sleeping under bits of wood. Hmm, this is a bit pish.
Still, my daughter seemed to be quite entertained. We passed a tarantula tank. In the middle squatted a mean looking thing. I could almost feel its longing to leap out onto my face and make me eat its shit.
It's easy to be brave when the enemy is the size of your hand and trapped in a glass box.
Then we came to the Tortoise enclosure.
There were four of the little blighters. Darting about with a speed that belied their reputation.
My daughter jumped up and down with excitement.
Daddy, daddy, look! LOOK! What are they doing?
I looked askance at two of the tortoises. They were, to be blunt. Doing the do. The male seemed to be having a right old time of it. Chasing the lady tortoise with his wang and attempting to stick it anywhere in her shell.
Well darling, they are, ahem, making babies.
The next minute was spent with me trying to answer her excited questions without resorting to a potty mouth. It's quite hard to do and I was proud of my Daddy self for being so tactful. Suddenly, behind me a nasal voice boomed.
WTFZ?
Daddy, what's a mad shagger?
WTFZZZZ!?!?
*note, shag, if you do not already know is a quaint term for the sexy sexy, that is ahem. To fornicate.
I glared at the neddy* dude who had sidled up beside me with a snottery mess of a child in his arms.
*ned, a rough fellow. A degenerate scamp if you will.
Never mind, darling, that man was just being silly.
The bold yin is getting right intae it! - Exclaimed the neddy interloper excitedly.
I shot him another withering look. He seemed to be getting right into it. Wanker.
By now he was hopping from foot to foot, his eyes agog. It looked as if the neddy chap was about to get a semi* and maybe try and join in for a wild tortoise threesome. I hurriedly shooed my daughter on to the next display.
*Semi - Glasgow talk for a semi erect penis.
Fortunately she was so caught up with excitement she seemed to have forgotten all about what a mad shagger was. I breathed a sigh of relief and we carried on with the rest of our day. Soon we went home and all was forgotten in the mad stampede for dinner. I congratulated myself for having manoeuvred my little ladies thoughts onto other things.
Later we sat down to dinner. My daughter breathlessly regaled her mummy with all of the animals we had seen. I chewed contentedly. Then my blood froze.
Mummy? What's a mad shagger?
My good lady splorfed some food out of her mouth. She stared at me. I stared back. Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound. I smiled.
Yes Mummy,do tell?
The tales of our lives would all be so much better told if you just followed us around narrating things in the way you do.
LOL.
Can ye' even fathom it sonny??
Am trying ma hardest tae fathom it!! ;O)
Hehe, cheers man, that would be a job and a half!!
We love you buddy.
Och, wheesht!! I am smiling as I read that though!! :0)
poor Mommy saved your explaining butt
did she?
who talks like that with kids around?
I was astonished too. He was carrying one as well!! Some people are just crap like that. I should have taken my cane to him!! :0D
Shaggers!!!! Blimey!!!
Did you see what Steve Wozniak said today about Bitcoin????
I wrote a post tonite on it, that kinda stuff with those kinda people and audience speaking openly at big conferences etc like this are key for mass onboarding and letting the regular audiences here about crypto!!
That is surely enough to get those 2 turtles revved up again and get them to really.... come out of their shells!
Hohohohohooh, come out of their shells! LOLZ!
I will chek it out man. It really does help when those kind of mainstream people discuss things!
big news from big people helps mainstream stuff like I was saying for sure.
Thanks Woz and Meester!!!
Very entertaining and great to get acquainted with some Glasgow slang :-)
It's good stuff that slang :0D Cheers!!
Please, next time you are going to visit a mad shagger, leave your children at home :)
Sage advice!!!
Lollll!!!!
Lol, love the pic!!
Thanks! Awww man...This story is too much:) lol...Great post as usual my friend!
Cheers dude. When the guy came along despite being annoyed I was like, ha awesome!!
Lol! Yea he was really getting into it! Well at least the explaination of a "Mad Shagger" fell on mummys shoulders! lol:P
Yeah, she managed to turn it into something quite twee thankfully! :OD
Lol!
Now THAT is an upvote! LOL
Lol. A great story, and I would love to have seen your wife's face when your daughter spouted that out. It's perhaps not so bad a thing that it happened though.
Growing up, my parents were rather strict and a tad old-fashioned. I could never talk to them about sex, for it was just awkward. But, if I had been able to do so comfortably, I could have talked to them and potentially averted a number of lessons/mistakes that I ended up going through.
Perhaps you should think of this occurrence as something that helps make conversations about sensitive issues easier for both you and your daughter. That way, if she ever wants to know something, she can ask you instead of her possibly ill-informed young friends. That sort of support is becoming far too necessary in this world of declining morality.
Also..
Thank you for this definition. I never liked the word NED much when I learned that it meant "Non-Educated Delinquent." You can't tell if someone is educated or not simply by looking at them, but you can tell if they're a ned or not. So I think the word requires a new definition that speaks to what the average person means when they say it... And yours is a lot closer for sure.
Cheers man. We do talk about sex even at this early age and we are quite open about it. It still makes me cringe although I try to avoid it being obvious. We have this quite horrifying book which is aimed at young children (pure hippies us) and itgoes into a lot of detail.
In fact I will never forget one morning as we sat eating breakfast and my daughter said. Daddy, are your sperms good swimmers? Did you give mummy your sperm and on and on. We chuckled mightily after the fact. The main thing I was trying to avoid was telling her that shagger was anything to do with it because I don't want her goin g into nursery and talking about shagging :O)
I was the same when I learned what NED meant really. It kinda ruined the word for me because its such a posh outside looking in description. I agree you just cant tell if someone is educated by looking at them but you can tell if they are a scummy bassa who is likely to give you a tanking with ten of his amtes when you pop to the shops!
I have to say that I really love your style of writing, you make everything so funny and I love to read something funny every day ! ^_^
Aw, thats quite the compliment. Thank you very much! :OD
This post received a 28% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @meesterboom! For more information, click here!
Priceless! Many thanks for the belly laugh.
Cheers!
Yer very welcome mate. Thanks for stopping by!! :0)
I have to agree with @barrydutton, everything would be better in life if you were the narrator, in fact I would go as far as saying that you would give Morgan Freeman a run for his money ;-)
Haha, such flattery! How will I got through doors tomorrow!! Cheers dude :0)
Like us old timers always say, "the world is off its rocker"!!
Ain't that the truth!!
You are quite the story teller! Although anything with sex in it sells. 😁
I also like your definitions of Scottish terminology for the uninitiated.
Woot! I like to tell it so that someone can get a total feel the situation!! :0)
It's like I'm right back there in Scotland reading your stories.
Then that makes me a happy man!!!
The turtle meme is hilarious 😂 thanks for sharing mate! I'm not too sure how comfortable I am around snakes, but pandas & turtles I can get used to haha thank again @meesterboom ! Daddy of the year!
Daddy of the something that's for sure!! Cheers man. It was cool what with them all being locked behind bars or glass. I did get a fright when a leaf blew onto my shoulder though!
Ahaha sounds safe enough 😂👍
Hahahah, yeah, no minefields there!
Upvoted resteemed
Why thank you!
awesome guy!
UPVOTED!
Wayhay! Cheers!!
Hahah, I'm glad I followed you! This was hilarious, I'm sure the mommy had a great time explaining things to the kids :P
She did, I wont go so far as to say she was enjoying it but yeah! :O)
I sometimes feel like I need subtitles for Brit flicks; would probably need a subdermal universal translator for Scots.
After about ten minutes though you would be leaning back and thinking This is nae bother, am bran new wi it!
;O)
I love reading your stories! So... I am curious...how did mommy explain what a mad shagger was? lol
Lol, she turned it round to an innocent thing that the man was beng silly and talking silly about the turtles playing! She did remarkably well!
That is great!! Moms know best ( sometimes lol) :)
Your a good dad!
Hehe, I try!! :0)
All dad should be like you ;)
Ooft, I wouldn't go that far lol!! Cheers man!!
LOLOLOLOL!!!!
I can't stop laughing, @meesterboom!
Thanks for sharing this marvelous story of your day. Well, well done!
BTW, how old is your daughter?
😄😇😄
She is almost five! Quite a clever lass!
Hehe, and thank you, glad to share :0D
With a granddaughter myself, I can tell you that I remember five as a precious age for a little girl!
You are blessed! :)
Hehe, it's an awesome age. So inquisitive and innocent and happy. I am loving this age!!
Man I love the dry humour in your stories. Great one here, I can just see it happening.
That's awesome, I am glad you like it. Thank you!!
Great post!
Cheers mate!!
your post is very good..
Haha you can always rely children to come out with the wrong thing at the wrong time lol
I know, I was convinced she had forgotten all about it!
They are very clever, storing information then using it to get you into trouble, I have been there :)
She has done it before and then bought it up a week later and you think oh noes!!
You have to try and keep one step head there crafty little bugas lol
Always on your toes!
Literally
Haha keep these posts coming! We need more good humor on Steemit
I love humour and glad you do too!!!
That sounds like a big adventure the two of you had! Very entertainingly written :D
I was also very delighted to see the explanations of the words, thought this time, I didn't need the help. Not sure I should be proud of that!
I am very proud that you didn't need the explanations!!
You will be a Scot before you know it!!! :0D
Yay! That makes me very happy :D
We will inaugurate you into the honourary hall of fame :0)
Hmmm... would it be possible I get a castle instead?
Oh aye, we have loads just lying around!!
Great! I can have my pick then :D
"*ned, a rough fellow. A degenerate scamp if you will."
hahahaha!!!
Hehe, it's a great term for them!! :0)
Mad shaggers and neds, if Carlsberg did days out...in Glasgow.
Haha, as long as they came armed with beer!
or Buckfast.
The monks of buckfast would be carried on the shoulders of the golem-like neds like ancient royalty!!
And the buckie served up ice cold...
Ah such sophistication!!
Oui, bien sûr.
Ooh, im getting a bouquet reminicent of blackcurrant cough syrup, some sweetness, dry fruit flavours, an excellent alcohol to smackaroonie ratio, and an overwhelming urge to chin someone, good balance!
You my friend have most obviously partaken of the auld abuse juice!! Steem on!
Gosh, I look forward to these moments so much...I will happily tell my future little one that I don't know what a mad shagger is, but perhaps mom will know!
If in doubt pap it off onto Mummy, thats my motto!!
You will love it all when it comes!
I honestly believe one of the thoughts going through my head when that day comes will be swatting a bloody octopus...still chuckle when I think about that.
It will, you will be thinking exactly that lol!!!
that's funny and enjouying.you be fast thinker i guess.upvoted.follow back
Cheers!! I like to think on my feet! :0D
Things we have to explain to children. The last part. What did she tell? What did she tell?
She said it was a silly thing to say and that the man was just talking about them playing. She was very good after the initial surprise at defusing it and making it sound like a proper daft thing to say. I think she got the message across!
I thought she may something like that. You have a great woman.
Hehe, I need someone sensible to balance out my loopiness :0)
I want to share it
Hehe, I am glad it has had that effect!
Hahaha, when your best to be a responsable parent, and it gets wrecked by a less tactical person in a split second... I do so recognise this. =D
Yeah, all nice words and everything going well and a guttersnipe shouts crazy things. It's outrageous!! Hehe!
=D
Bloody hell
Haha, I know!
AHAHA! Who would've thought the birds and the bees talk would be prompted by snakes and tortoises. Snakes and tortoises! If I had a
dirtydirtier mind, I would think that was code for something.Way to put on a Scottish vocab lesson while you're at it! I didn't know tortoises could mate while on the side huh do they have long members? Are the female organs located in their side? Do their organs move?? So many questions in my head!!
I liked how you flipped it to your good lady to the explaining haha! I could imagine how awkward it must've been for you, dude!
Lol, he was trying to poke it anywhere!! I had about four pics. The side on one was best though as he kept opening his beak and making an odd noise. Ha, the was no privacy for him that day!!
She did well!
I'm sure you meant your good lady explaining it to the future Queen-Empress, but the first time I saw it I interpreted it as the female tortoise doing well haha! Would've been nice if it was a GIF then!
Ah that reminds me, I haven't done a good for a while!!
It looks like you had a day full of great events man! That turtle tried to impress you all! :D
The turtle was incredible in his persistence!! Cheers man!!
Hahaha amazing ... The title says it all too knew it would be funny from that!!!
I did think it quite the title!! :O)
I once called a baby a tw*t in the UK because I was convinced it meant buddy in English. I remember my friends laughing to tears when they heard. I'm sure your wife had the same reaction...I hope :). Man, this story is brilliant. Well written!
Oh man, that would have been hilarious!!! Hehe, that must have gone down a storm!
Cheers mate!
What happened after that? xD plzzz do a second post :P
Hehe, the second post would bea short affair. It was mummy stumbling around saying that was what tortoises did when they were playing. I am hoping she the daughter doesnt remember when she is at school and says something untoward!
hahahahah xD what's her age btw? toddler?
A shade off five!! You guessed right!!
great! May god bless her ;)
Thanks man!!
*SLAP -3 . Those shaggi torti get you into trouble every time. Particularly if there is a spouting iijiot nearby. "Thanks for bailing me out, dear."
*Snort Like A Pig x 3. I've been told I'm somewhat of a boring laugh-er. Think 'exuberant exhale with mirth'. For some reason yours is the stuff that makes me laugh hard enough to make that chortle-snort little pig laugh thing. My very own version of LOL.
Then if I can bring forth a little snortle pig I am a very happy chap indeed!!! Much preferable to a lol!!
Keep on writing, and I'll no doubt keep on snortin'.
Snortin equals good'in. I think!
Mostust definitely.