Wow, look at this... En Garde!
The exuberant cry of the Little Lady sounded from behind me.
I chortled and whipped around pretending to pull an imaginary sword for an epic battle.
What the funk?!
I screeched in horror as the Little Lady poked enthusiastically at me with a dirty, green-handled knife.
It wasn't in the slightest bit imaginary.
Where the fuh-uh-uhrnk did you find that?!
My voice, already pitched in an octave that would cause erections in any nearby dogs rose up to a horrified squeak as I tried my very best not to say the F-word to my darling daughter.
It was over there under that bush?
The Little Lady looked abashed as if she had done something terribly wrong like pick up a random street knife and come at her Daddy with it.
Give.
I quickly took it from her and examined it. It was a mean-looking bastard with a long and thin blade. A blade typical of the kind that young gadabouts loved to stick into each others squidgy bits.
Worryingly, the blade had some muddy brown splotches on it as if it had recently sliced into Auntie Margaret's chocolate Ganache.
Bollocks, I had killed enough mice with a hammer to know exactly what I was looking at.
Give me a second, lass. I will give the police a quick call to come and get it.
I dialled the local number and navigated through 17 gabillion sub-menus before finally, the line clicked and a real live human picked up.
Police Scotland - How may I help you?
Asked Chirpy-Cheep-Cheep the call handler.
Hi, my daughter found a big jaggy knife under a bush just off the main street. It looks like it has blood on it. Could someone check it out?
Absolutely sir. Absolutely. Has your daughter told you how she found the knife?
Chirpy-Cheep-Cheep asked with no apparent recollection of me just explaining exactly how she found it.
Yes, it was under a bush behind the main street.
And you say it has blood on it? Are you sure it's blood?
I looked at the bloody knife. It literally looked like it had been used to slice a semi-congealed black pudding..
Sorry, I can't bring myself to say blood sausage ever since an unfortunate incident with an ex-girlfriend and an unexpected visit from the moon fairies whilst we were 'hiding the purple monkey'
Yes, I am sure it is blood.
I said with the cold certainty of a Scandinavian smelling a Reindeer's foot.
Interesting. Interesting. Have you any idea who's blood it could be?
Probed Chirpy-Cheep-Cheep. Obviously fancying himself as a 21st century Sherlock Holmes.
What?! No, I have no idea.
I grated through clenched teeth. I was obviously dealing with a fucking buffoon and as everyone knows, the only thing I hate more than a buffoon was the venison shits.
Ok, interesting. Interesting. You say your daughter found the knife... Can you give me some detail behind that?
Said Chirpy-Cheep-Cheep as if speaking was just opening his mouth and letting random pointless words fall out.
She found it under a fucking bush.
Sir, please keep it civil...
Whatever.
I hung up.
As soon as I did a Whatsapp flashed onto my phone's screen. It was the Good Lady.
Hey, what's keeping you guys?
I grimaced and got my thumbs to work tapping out an answer.
Found a fucking knife. Police fucking useless, so bringing it home and will drop it off to the useless bastards later.
I hit send.
Her answer came back almost instantly.
Oh goody! See you soon xx 😃
I stared at the message. I put my phone and the bloody knife away and motioned for the Little Lady to follow me.
Oh goody?!
For fuck sake.
Oh yeah my friend in England used to go on and on about the joys of black pudding. She even convinced me to order some from Amazon...they ship it in dry ice and it aint cheap. (No we dont stock in out grocery stores here lol) I had no idea what it was, but it sure as hell was not the black chocolate type of pudding we usually refer to.
Lolm it is a bit of a misnomer to call it a pudding eh. Blood sausage is what it is and what it should be called. Personally, I think the stuff is foul!
Ole Bill eh! Not so shiny shiny now!
Oh! He isn't banned from YouTube? Surprising.
Indeed! I thought he might have been erased
Yes! I'm confused at the method to their madness.
I watched someone at work dealing with the diatribe, round and round the loop you go. He sat at his desk and kept yelling, one! one! one! I guess he wanted the number one option. Then, he asked for the operator, then yelled it,
all the while banging the phone on the desk...
Then he got all maniacal screaming, Operator, over and over. I thought they would have to take him away.
Those loops will drive you to drink.
That is actually pretty alarming, knowing they have little hoodlums walking around with knives where innocents are.
Are you sure it was blood? :))
Peppa Pig!!! Oh, Goody!
It might have been rust or old chocolate cake. Twas an alarming sight and worse where it was located, by the side of the road under a bush. Too easy to be hidden for later methinks! Glasgow can be a tad rough that way. Although my lovely area is usually free of that nonsense so perhaps it was chocolate cake :OD
I hate those ones where they ask you to speak the answers. They have terrible trouble with Scottish accents!
Haha! And that surprises you? I fancied myself a whiz at accents until Beer Saturday comes around. :)
Kidding.
The ones that want you to speak are frustrating. Exactly where are they from? They don't do American English either. They don't even respond to curse words.
Not that I would know, but, something I have heard.
I have had great success when I get really stuck y imitating an LA style sort of silicon valley google employee accent. Usually gets me past things!
You should see me when I revert to speaking normally and don't enunciate so much ;OD
Ha! Sounds very Scottish! :)
A Scotsman cannot hide his roots!!
Why woukd he want to?? I mean, KILTS!!
Arrr, like a true sailor, you've sailed all the seven seas!
Next time add the magic virus word in there somewhere, doesn't matter how. Police will jump at it right away, dear ones will ask if you're safe. The media will be there way before the ambulance. "Sir, you found the contaminated stabbing object with the infectious mud all over it, right?"
Recently had a conversation with an emergency service myself. "Where are you sir?" There was me thinking I would already have been spotted by a dozen satellites. Apparently I'm still chip free.
"On earth, and you?", was not the right answer for me to give either.
"Your phone does not send your position to us Sir.", it was not my phone. Nor did I know phones could do that, without me giving permission.
Anyway, forgot to say the magic virus word. That would probably have saved a lot of time.
About time people got chipped, damned. Not me of course, as I do want to go through life like a ghost. Being invisibly visible, must be freaking awesome!
Have a great one!
Ihave sailed all the seven seas. hahahahhahah, oh my, that is a fantastic way to put it.
I would like to think that people couldn't randomly track my information either but you just never know when it comes to devices and all that. What will things be like when they start pushing the smart fabrics on us and everything is tracked to the nth degree!!
Have a good one mate!
You sorry lot would piss your pantaloons at the sight of what the average rural kid has on hand. I have three hunting knives ranging from mostly crap to halfway decent here by my computer as leftovers from my survival kit posts. I'd be a felon in the UK!
Don't worry, I cleaned up all the blood after my last murder spree. All clean and tidy now. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hahahahah, yes indeed. You would be a felon! Well, maybe. They are really weird in that you can have the damn things but you can't carry them about with you unless secured somehow. I think it is to stop us all doing a Crocodile Dundee on the streets. I have a small collection of little blades myself but alas no hunting knives. Would like a right good one as well!
As someone who lives within driving distance of the Buck Knives factory, and has toured the place, I would suggest their products a good balance of budget and quality if they're available in your neck of the woods, or you're willing to pay an exorbitant sun for my amateurish smuggling efforts.
Hehe, they do have a UK store I am browsing it now so no smuggling required... for now... :OD
They don't seem to have my 117 anymore, so if I had something like this knife instead, I think I'd consider myself well-equipped for cutlery in the woods. If you're any sort of angler, check out the model 105 blade profile, too.
What happened to the great British knife makers? Sheffield and whatnot still a thing?
It was precisely that knife that I was looking at, that and the nobleman!
I think Sheffield steel still make em, I have a Currey Lockspike which is a yachting knife. No idea why I picked that up but I do love it. Had it since I was seventeen. A lot of knife making is all hand made craft malarkey now
@meesterboom Fortunately it wasn't an emergency, someone would have killed you while you were trying to contact a real person. Hahaha!!!
True, if it was an emergency we would have been doomed!! :OD
Dogs get erections and the sound of little girl shrieks? Learn something new everyday..
You didnt know? Oh aye, mad for it them dogs are. :OD
!PIZZA
$PIZZA@davedickeyyall! I sent you a slice of on behalf of @meesterboom.
Did you know you can trade $PIZZA on Hive-Engine, Tribaldex, or LeoDex? (1/20)
You've found her murder weapon, now she has to "deal" with you when you get home XD
are you still there? :D
I have just walked stuff to the police before (because there's a copshop nearby and it's much easier to go there than deal with phones), they might be on your case for messing with crime scenes now though XD
Hehe, they were fine. I dropped it off at the nearest one with an apologetic my daughters fingerprints are all over it and they were just happy to have it and find out where it was. They were quite dismissive of the call handlers in general, said they were a waste of space - ha, so true
LoL poor call handlers XD
Pity them not, the feckers! :OD
Really?? Your sense of humor is just crazy.
At least the police in your part are not irresponsible.
They don't pick at all and if they are picking it is after the problem has been solved or after someone has been killed.
Nice story
They are actually alright the police round my way. But they, like everyone else have gone call centre crazy and now it's hard to actually speak to one!
Oh goody is said by Peppa Pig a million times :)
Haha, I wondered where it came from!! It doesn't surprise me. There has been a lie of Peppa pig in this house!! :0D
I think you deserve some !PIZZA ;0D
$PIZZA@azircon! I sent you a slice of on behalf of @meesterboom.
Did you know you can trade $PIZZA on Hive-Engine, Tribaldex, or LeoDex? (1/20)
A free knife! And it's a fixed blade, too! Did you happen to find the sheath nearby?
Yo, don't ever call the cops about that sort of shit, if you do you're instantly a suspect.
See, all that's needed is a change of perspective. A free knife!! I wish I hadn't handed it in now!!
You could go and ask for it back. Tell them it's urgent as you need it for a very important assassination.
I am sure they would be cool with that, I will buy them some doughnuts and all will be good!
Sounds like a plan! They will appreciate the doughnuts I'm sure. Bon voyage.
I think they will, I made them myself out of the thigh muscles of my last two kills. Used the knife to poke the holes in. They will love them!
Ah! Thighnuts are the best sort of doughnuts. Don't forget the sprinkles.
I get the idea that the good lady is use to being pranked by you so nothing upsets her any more haha . Now I am waiting to hear what happens to the knife. Jeez luckily your daughter showed it to you. In SA we will phone the police and they will say throw it away. They do not even come out for many crimes..... part of our lives
It was a bit like that here, it seemed like they didn't really care. You are right with the good lady, I suspect she was like whatevs! :OD
You say your daughter found the knife... Can you give me some detail behind that?
Back to beginning 😂
The endless loop! It was like groundhog Day!! :0)
Are there any serial killers doing the rounds in the Govan area? Could be vital evidence that now contains your DNA?
It's alright, it's mostly my daughters DNA. She's going down!!
🤣
When I read what you say on the phone menu I remembered when I made an appointment with the doctor, and then the number of questions from the person who attends you, what the hell, and the good lady earns your anger when your thumbs practically shoot her the message, and I guess you buried the knife, it's the quickest way out, ha ha ha
If only I buried it. Instead I handed it back to them. Who knows what mayhem will happen with it now!!
This is fiction, am I right?
Lol, No, it is simply a dramatic accounting of the real events of the day
It mean "Oh God", or "Oh Good" ? Because option 2 is similar to my wife's answer when she leaves me alone with kid.
Even if I send her a photo of me covered in blood, the baby is crying, and the cat is eating some shit from the floor, and the curtains are burning.
" Oh goody. I'll arrive in a couple of hours. I want to buy that thing for bubbles in the bathroom".
Hahaha, it means oh good and it probably was because she was looking forward to me getting home with the oldest and swapping for the youngest!
The police which you have called to render help couldn't do anything than just ask questions out of point instead of taking action.
This is entirely correct! Fortunately I took it to them!
Always civil me!! ;OD