Hola mi novia, ¿cuándo hay un cenicero en el cielo?
I nodded knowingly to my Good Lady and gave her the cheeky wink which implied some chorizo might be forthcoming in her bean stew.
Mi cocodrilo jamon tiene hambre?
She ventured slowly, demonstrating her superior Spanish after many years of Duolingo.
Ah si.
I nodded reassuringly.
Well, now that the morning bollocks were out of the way. I turned to my laptop and began to type.
Now, where had I been? Not on Hive obviously! But why? Well, if you cast your mind back you will remember that I was preparing to go on a vacation to Ibiza. Which I did. For a whole two weeks.
It was the most relaxing time ever. Well, what I can remember that is.
I do have a distinct memory of drinking Four Long Island Ice Teas one afternoon before moving on to the Espresso Martinis. It was a glorious time. The Good Lady chose that particular day to be angry about something, possibly the weather. I was too busy imagining my eyes were lasers and burning the boats in the harbour.
Of course there were other delights on holiday beyond me getting sloshed on cocktails.
Sometimes I got sloshed on beer. Or wine. Or beer and wine.
Even beer cocktails and wine.
But alas, the holiday had to end.
So I ended up back in Blighty and I thought, I have to get back on the Hive. Writing posts and shooting shit.
But before I could even blink I was summoned for Jury duty. How could I, an upstanding citizen not obey the call?
So I did that for a whole week and then it was over.
Back home, I settled into the everyday life of a chump. Pretending to be a good parent and a conscientious worker.
When are you going to write a Hive post?
The Good Lady would ask of an evening.
I would sputter with indignation like a fox that has eaten too much melon.
I am going to write one, I have lots of tales to tell.
Then I would open my laptop and prepare to tell the tales only to be distracted by YouTube and short videos of everyday objects being crushed by an industrial press thing or a man wearing a horse-head mask drumming in a bathtub.
After a sufficient amount of my brain had melted from watching such video trash I would look up from my laptop, my eyes crusty and red like a Welshman's foot and realise it was time to go to bed.
And so my life continued.
One day I heard a call from outside the window of the upstairs bedroom. I opened the window and looked out.
There was a floppy-haired young man standing outside a van with a brush in his hand.
You look like you are needing your gutters done?
He yelled up at me.
I looked at him in wonder, could it be true? Had I been trapped in some fairytale castle under the curse of a witch queen?
I think my gutters are fucking fine.
I yelled back at my newly found prince. Was he here to slay the dragon and release me from my imprisonment?
I can see grass growing out of them from here!
Yelled the young prince, his van beginning to resemble a fine steed.
My gutters are fine, gonnae fuck off?
I called, frantic with excitement now that freedom from the Witch Queen was in sight. I wondered, should I let down my flowing blonde locks out of the window so that the young Prince might climb up to the top of the tower?
Your loss mate.
Said the Prince with a decidedly un-princely snarl. He started walking over to my neighbours, no doubt to tell him he could see grass growing out of his back passage.
Fuck you, you fucking arse piece!
I bellowed in joy at my rescuer as I closed the window in joy.
Free, free at last! No more was I in the witch queen's clutches!
Now, where was my laptop?
Way to break those chains lol. Glad you had a bangin' time in Ibiza, glad you're back too, as I miss your stories 😄 Should be a law against jury duty immediately following a vacation away, that's just not right.
I am glad to be back! You know it is a weird thing but I really enjoyed the Jury Duty, it was super relaxing and made me feel even more chilled than the holiday in some respects! I mean, it helped that I had the fucker pegged as guilty as soon as I saw his guilty face 🤣🤣
'There's a new Sheriff in town' is what I am picturing as you saunter into the courtroom 😆
No lie, I don't make a good juror but that being said, I've not been chosen to sit on one. Hmmm...I wonder why??? 🤣
Its a good motto to live by, that way you dont get gazumped by people with angelic faces! GUILTY!
I think you would make a fabulous juror!
Juror, maybe...judge, not so much lol
Fuck it, reach for the sky! Judge it is! They are all GUILTY, the jails will be full!! :OD
They are all GUILTY, the jails will be full!!
The taxes will be much
So THERE you are ! Just a day or two ago I was thinking "I need to go over to Boomie's place and see if he posted something I missed and if not, comment on the last post "Where are you???".... but I didn't, so I can't prove it.
I pictured Ebeneezer Scrooge shouting obscenities out his high window....LOL !!
You should have asked him "how much??" first. One day years back a random man stopped at my house and asked if I wanted my gutters cleared out.... ha ha ... and I asked him how much. He said $15 and I couldn't check fast enough to see if I had a $20 laying around. I did, so I said yes and he got his ladder and leaf blower and in no time at all they were done! That was the best deal ever !
Glad you are back and that you had a good time. How many times did you shout out "GUILTY!!" in the court room before the trials were over? ha ha
Hehe, if you ask the ones around here how much the practically start working on the basis of a verbal contract!
That would be awesome to get it done so cheaply. I just know if someone went near my roof they would fucking break it and then I would be like, how much to fix what you borked?!?! lol
I am glad to be back in the saddle. I was missing the place but had that strange lethargy that I couldn't be bothered opening my lappie!
And I shouted guilty loads in the jury room, from the very beginning!! heheh 🤣
It's so difficult to getting off that You Tube train once you've climbed aboard!
I'm jumping back on now though cos the feeling of FOMO is killing me having never come across the drummer with the donkey head... strangely, when it comes to drummers, I always get stuck on loop with A-YEON ...
That double kick gives me goosebumps...I digress....
Good to see you back to your best and I'll raise a cheeky Chang to Duolingo and await the next exciting episode 😀
Alrighty dude!!!
Haha, there is something mighty compelling about that drummer lady. I might have to follow her. I love some drum action and you don't get many chick drummers!
See now that's me lost on the YouTubes again 🤣🤣
Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pleased to see you found the laptop again. Glad you enjoyed your holiday and I think next time you should try having a few more alcoholic drinks, just so when you leave you don't return with that annoying lingering feeling you didn't drink enough.
Jury duty eh? So far I have managed to avoid it, I hope my law degree exempts me from doing it if ever I'm called, not sure it does though. Surely you could put that creative mind of yours to work and rustle up a story about your deliberations? It would be great to read about that one for sure.
As for that dirty scoundrel who tried to convince you that he was the man for you, good work on defeating him. I do wonder though, how many other unfortunate people have been lured into believing they have grass coming out of their asses. Sadly there will be some.
By the way I'm intrigued, your good lady is learning Spanish and seems like she has a good grasp of the language, what is she learning for? Is it purely to understand the locals better when on holiday or something else?
Tip reward: 0.4 Hive.
Ah the Good Lady and her Spanish. We both learned from a real tutor some time ago. Then I kept up with it and she didn't. Then I forgot a lot and she started doing it on Duolingo with about three other languages. I do it so I can talk to the locals but I think she just does it to keep her brain active!
I have avoided Jury duty all of my adult life and now I am thinking I should have tried my best to be picked! It is great and seeing how the court system works is great. InScotland it is different in that there are no opening statements so you just get a copy of the charge and then are flung into the evidence. It was a fascinating one!
He's alive! He's ALIVE!!
I wondering where you'd gotten to man. The holiday sounds like it was good craic and a good time of year to get away. Fair play to ye both learning the language, I'd say you find great little gems of bars and restaurants when you're able to chat to the locals in their own language. The auld cocktails are always dangerous, so easy to drink and suddenly your legless!
Aye, it was a fine break and we had the weather the whole time. It made getting back into the saddle ridiculously hard for some reason. I think the missus was happy I wasn't on my phone all the time
I do love a holiday cocktail. It's magical watching them just pour the spirits in with abandon!
I assume you could order drinks in fluent Spanish. Holidays tend to involve a lot of drinking.
I've seen the horsey drummer. The internet is filled with time-eating trivia and I try to avoid getting into such videos. I do watch a lot of drumming videos in general though. Some are actually educational, but some make you want to give up.
I'm wary of tradespeople who just show up. I'd rather have them recommended to me. We don't have trees overhanging the house, so don't get too many leaves.
I did have a guy show up saying he had a load of 'spare' gravel and our drive did need some fresh. I managed to knock his price right down, so didn't feel too ripped off.
For the shame of it I have to admit I am fairly fluent in the ordering of drinks. More so than my regular Spanish :OD
The horsey drummer was entertaining the first time not so much subsequent times. There are far too many things like that and I need to reign back on my horrifying burgeoning habit of staring at videos on my phone.
There can be the odd door knocker that is slightly genuine, it is just unfortunate there are so many scammers looking for a quick buck
Wait. The horse drummer is real? Fuck. I miss all the good shit
Oh yes. Everything is on the net.
Wow.
Ah, to think we were saved by a princely arse piece. Glad to have you back; really missed these whacky posts. Glad to hear you just went on vacation and enjoyed it. People usually are more inspired to write after a nice vacation, but I guess you're the opposite. But now that you've been freed from the Witch's clutches, I look forward to more posts.
The witch has me no more!
Yeah, normally I post more when on hols and immediately back but this time I just couldn't get back into the swing of it all!
Taking breaks is important every now and then. Gets the juices flowing and the nectar sweet. I figure I’ll eventually take a break but not just yet. I’ve got motivation to get to certain things before I slow down. Especially if the bull is here! Gotta earn.
I’m glad you had time off and even got to exert your dominance over somebody in court. I haven’t been summoned to an actual case before, got close but it didn’t work out. I probably will get summoned now that I said this lol.
I had dodged the summoning for many years, I think they were getting frustrated with me as in the last two years I got summoned 4 times. This time when I called to confirm it was ok the woman was surprised sounding. It must have been noted on my file that I was a court dodger! I wont dodge itin future though, it was great.
Yeah, a break gives you back the vavavvoom!
LOL, I had mine done recently, the fucker said £125 and then doubled the price to £250 on completion. Shady character... and I thought I could trust him. Are any of these builder-dudes trust-worthy?
None of them are!! I remember a roofer chap told my parents they had a missing slate and he could fix it for 50 quid, then when he was up there said there were other problems and it would be 150. They are all shysters, I give the fuckers a hard time when they come near the house!
This one was a mature chap, lots of experience but still he tried the fast one. I would have had a load of further work for him if he'd been honest. Arse...
That is what they dont get, if they are honest they will get called back for more. I found a joiner that was honest and I have now used him loads of times and recommend him to all my friends. Shysters tho, its a diminishing market for them!
My honest plumber has retired, the electrician.. might still be alive! Roofers.., gutter dudes.., they don't exist!
I need an honest plumber. Sob, I have a leaky shower and I know it should be a fecking simple cheap job but I am dreading getting someone as they will all quote ridiculous figures at me
Did you get a juicy case for your jury duty?
I did indeed, attempted murder! It was a violent affair and the guy in the dock was a total gangster who didn't give a hoot. It was very entertaining. :O)
Wine makes me drunk better and quicker than beer 😄
Same here. It is a fabulous thing for the quaffing! Hurrah for the wine! Red of course for me :OD
LOL!!! Fuck that prince dude!
…I liked your post about not posting better than I liked my post about not posting…yours at least had…an ash tray in the sky and a crocodile ham?
A ham crocodile! Not my best bahjeena euphemism 🤣🤣
Had you not been posting much either? Dang, it must be infectious!
lol yeah I’ve been gone since October. Took off for a wedding and just sort of didn’t come back.
…so her ham crocodile was hungry…which means the morning bollocks basically boiled down to feeding the ham croc…ok I’m tracking now, and I like it even more than I did before.
Those are the best kind of weddings, lol!
LOL amen to that brother 🤣
Just tell me how the crypt feels these days? ;) The dead are coming back to life.
The crypt is cold and damp which is not my bag baby!!! 😃😃😃
😁 You were missed here. I wait for those tales.
Thank you, I shall attempt to post again 😃😃
If the humble Prince gets to scale the neighbours battlements, he shall be sowing grass seeds in your back passage and will return next year like he won a joisting contest. Glad you are back! I'm mad into them crushing videos as well. I do like the bearded cleaner fella going around to GYMs and moving massive weights around with one hand while strong men gazes in amazement as they can bearly lift said weight.
. Gas man! 🤣. Oh by the way. a Scottish woman doing a Spanish accent, i'd be taking her up the stairs.Haha, aye the bearded bloke who finds the weights shot like they are toys. They're good. It's a fucking time sink watching all that shit.
I am partial to a Spanish accent it must be said! 🤣🤣
hahahaha, , so you got drunk in one way or another hahaha, maybe that's why you thought you were rapunzel, I already missed your jokes.
Welcome, A hug
Hello! Oh yes, as a Scotsman it is my duty to be able to get drunk in many different ways 😃😃
Hi Boomy!
From what I read the holidays went well with a bit of wine and a bit of beer, eh eh!
Anyway your story reminds me vaguely of something... As if I had lived those same adventures and sensations, lol!
In the end your gutters remained intact? No one violated them?
Hola mate!
I had a fine vacation and even better my gutters remain intact and untroubled by random men in the street 😃😃
Great! I'm glad you had a great vacation and enjoyed it and I'm also very happy about your gutters!
Thank you, I only wish there were more vacations in the year, they are over and forgotten so quickly!
Oh yes, there's a song by an Italian singer called... "on vacation for a lifetime"... It would be a fool to live a lifetime on vacation and then maybe work a couple of days a year just to not feel guilty, lol!
Sounds alright to me that kind of living! Or at least having a job that was a pleasure and not a stress!
The longer you're away from here the harder it is to come back. I think my longest streak without writing on Hive since 2016 was a couple of weeks. I remember it taking some real work to get back into the flow. Time away can be good though. Nevertheless, it's good to see you back!
It's very true. You get out of the way of writing for the blood and appreciating the time offline!
But it's good to be back!
So.. the person you were on jury duty for? Guilty? Innocent? Death sentence? Chop his fucking balls off? Make that wanker clean the fucking gutters..
Lol, fucking guilty. I knew it as soon as I saw his face. No evidence required!! 😃😃
He gets his sentence in December!
No evidence required ... lmao. They should do away with juries altogether.. 2 minutes in front of Boom and off to sentencing you go. Guilty little pig fuckers
I would be hard but fair, everybody would still be guilty right enough :OD
It is so, so easy to get out of the habit of Hiving, especially with all the mind numbing TikToks to watch!
They really are kind numbing but so seductive!
I imagine you heading off to Ibiza,the swagger as you walk down the Aero bridge to the plane, saying Ibiza bitchaz. Of course, once there...well, it's all good. Then the trip back to the UK after a glorious two weeks of fuzzyheadedness and...jury duty bitchaz!
Ok, that last but isn't all that good.
Oh well, being a chump isn't too bad, and it's a bonus to have Mrs. Boom to remind you to post lest you forget completely.
She was admirable in her persistence on asking me why I wasn't posting. I think because she needs me to have a habit she can pester me about because she is addicted to Duolingo and works ages in it of an evening 😃
In the end I was just getting post holiday lazy but I thought it I don't start now it will be Christmas shortly!
It's nice of her to encourage you so that she can get you out of her hair and dedicate the time to Duolingo instead. She's so thoughtful.
It is like she lives for romanticism :OD
Haha!
Hahaha, free from the command of your beautiful wife.😁
Well, it's nice that you're back in writing.😊
I will never be free of her command! :OD
Yes, I had to break the duck and get back in the saddle and a million other euphemisms to start writing again!
Hahaha, you really accepted the facts.😊😊
Normally I refute facts, even the ones that prove this is all real! :OD
It seems that you just have no choice.😄😄
Even the illusion of choice is choice! 🤣🤣
I see.. 😄😄
#hive #posh
!PIZZA
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