I was feeling a little put out. My good friend Giles, a splendid chap despite having a face like arse-pastry had arranged a double date for us both, with what he called, a couple of fillies.
It had been some time since I had found myself having to gussy up for a meeting with a female. There are of course my dalliances with Lady Fotheringham but that's more like throwing sausages at an angry Alsation.
I dressed myself as a gentleman does. With casual flair and sophistication - Top hat, tails and of course my silver topped cane. A quick application of Fingerer Jack (my favourite scent) and I was done. I called for Morris to bring the car round.
I met Giles at the bar in the club.
Ho Boomer! Are you ready to beard the Wizard!
He winked several times in quick succession. I wondered if he had a palsy. I curled my top lip in reply and rapped the tip of my cane on the bar top beside him.
Rack me up a double, Giles old fellow. God knows I'll need it.
A double what old chap?
This time I prodded my cane at his generous stomach.
A double fucking something, that's what.
Giles turned and wheezed out some orders at the barman.
A slender màtre d' with a thin moustache approached, he had a nose like a ogre's penis.
Your guests await sirs.
He gave a sweeping bow and led us to a large table in a sheltered alcove. There were two ladies sitting there. They were rather attractive if that was your kind of thing. Grudgingly I sat down. Giles to my left introduced them.
So ladies, let me introduce the almost legendary Uncle Boom, I am sure he won't mind if you call him Boomy? Boomy, this is Alicia and Maria.
He gestured to each in turn.
Uhum, good evening.
I said as suavely as I could.
Both ladies nodded a good evening back at me. The màtre d' handed out menus and asked if we required a moment to decide on our order.
Four filet mignon, rare and bloody as fuck and two bottles of Chàteau Mouton.
I boomed.
The Maria one made a mewling sound like a puppy in a sack.
I don't actually eat meat. I am a pescatarian.
A pesky fucking what?
I barked.
A pescatarian, the only meat I eat is fish.
Bollocks, you're crying out for a jigget of beef.
Alicia pulled Maria close and started whispering and making hand signals as if trying to land a plane. I felt a tugging on my sleeve. It was Giles.
Come on old chap, tone it down a little. I fancy burying the badgers head tonight??!
I shook him off but grudgingly nodded. I suppose I could let the fish eating go. I slapped the màtre d' on the arse.
Bring a lettuce with the steaks old fellow? For the ladies of course.
The màtre d' sucked in a huge breath, his moustache curling like one of those mood fish from a Christmas cracker.
Sir, I must positively insist that you never strike me in the derriere ever again. Or I will be forced to ask you to leave.
I slowly stood and smiled at the table.
Ladies, Giles. Please do excuse me a moment. I must speak with our friend here.
I turned to the màtre d'.
May we talk in private old fellow? I must make this right.
I pulled my wallet out and thumbed some notes seductively at him. The màtre d' gazed at my wallet like a Weasel with an erection. He nodded toward the back door, eyes never leaving my wallet.
A short time later I returned. I bowed grandly at the table. I was in exceptionally good humour.
Ladies, Giles, please. Let us start this evening afresh. I was a little out of sorts earlier. For that I apologise.
I snapped my fingers at a passing waiter.
My good man, what fine fish do you have for my lovely companion?
I motioned to Maria and gave her my most handsome of smiles. She returned the smile and I sat. It was not long before the conversation and wine were flowing proper.
The evening went very well. I regaled the ladies with my exploits as a trader on the high seas and Giles chimed in with some lesser tales of loading ships with crates and counting beans. Toward the end of the evening the ladies went off to powder their collective noses. Giles leaned in.
Glad you managed to turn it round Boomy.
I do apologise old friend, I needed to... get in the mood.
Yes, well, once you sorted out that greedy bloody màtre d' you were in much better form. Did you have to give the beggar much to assuage his "feelings"? What did it cost you, a hundred? Two? I notice he never came back!
I leaned in close.
I gave him exactly what he was due, old fellow. Exactly. What. He. Was. Due.
Giles laughed.
Oh you are quite the one, old chap. And bloody hell; look at the state of your shirt from that bloody steak! We will have to get you a bib! Go on, how much did he skin from you?
I tugged my coat closed a little and raised my glass with merry cheer.
Ah Giles. Surely you know...
A splendid adventure. And now to the sorry case of the disappearing advisements... The comments below bear no relation to the post they were taken from.
You see because the spamfarmers actually don't care anymore. It's patently obvious that they read the title of a post and reply to that. Then they don't engage further... Aw!
SpamFarmer1: your story is very interesting i like it very much. hopefully the feathers quickly grow back
UncleBoom: So do I, I am meant to fly south soon.
SpamFarmer2: Funny, if i were her i will bring you more surprises from the drawer like gun and told you ok fuck of cryptocurrency, i am get tired. and also i will go home and trade with you.
UncleBoom: By trade do you mean the sexy sexy and would that be at gunpoint too?
Well fuck it, I'm in, be gentle with me!
Here you go again uncle boomy!!!!hahaha I like this :
I pulled my wallet out and thumbed some notes seductively at him. The màtre d' gazed at my wallet like a Weasel with an erection. He nodded toward the back door, eyes never leaving my walletnow you are actully making good use of your hard earned SBD in Gentleman´s club...will join you next time!!! Oh before I forget..I need your cane to take care of haters of cryto (see my 2 posts today for info´s) !!!! The old wizard guru and government fuders in action again trying to spoil our new deal? hell no. Moreover, little boom looks great in his bitcoin shirt ..awesome indeed!!! Wish you well and greetings to little boom´s and the good lady.Lol, cheers mate. It was good use indeed! I will be heading over and looking that way tonight never fear!:O)
Good one indeed...glad that you checked my last 2 posts yesterday on bitcoin haters...still waiting to borrow your cane !!!! wanna flog haters
These tales of yours are top hole. I sometimes find myself reading them to my dear wife, for the chuckles.
(Using my best, pretty boozed Brian Blessed, voice.)
Brian Blessed is the voice I use in my head when I am writing them!!! Hehe.
Excellent!
Just has to be - fits so well. Not the look, perhaps, but definitely the voice.
"LOVEJOY!"
HAhahahah, yep, thats the voice!
Me da risa de como t refieres a las personas por ejemplo tu amigo que tiene cara de pasta de asno!!! y quien miró su billetera como una comadreja con una erección, hay vale cosas dices, bueno amigo a veces tengo problemas para la traducción, pero a pesar de ello siempre me gusta leer completo, no como los spammers hahaha. Saludos!
I always appreciate a reader, thank you and I am glad you like the descriptions!!
You are very good, boom! Although I had days without reading, I have been very busy but I try to visit it often. thanks to you for going through my blog from time to time. Greetings and I hope the baby is pretty good, I hope this translation has been understood.
This transaltion is just about perfect my dear! Thank you for reading and I do enjoy dropi[ing in when I see your blog in my feed :O)
Thanks, I'm glad to know that .. : )
This is simultaneously the best and worst euphemism I have ever heard in my life.
Hahahah, I know what you mean, even as I said it I thought oh thats crap, then a part of me thought, Actually its not bad! lol
Hahahaha! They really need a "LMAO" button on here, especially for your posts! Your replies to the "not shown" comments crack me up as much as you do! I always have to peek at them. LOL!
I was going to leave them visible but was feeling frisky :0D
In these meetings of gentlemen and ladies always learn something new, today I knew the "pescatarian" I hope you have not acquired in your skin now the favorite dish for having ingested so much fish.
I love the superior handling that Tio Boom has before the SpamFarmer, many thanks to another wonderful day of Tio Boom
I wish you a good evening dear friend SpamFarmer
Hehe, pescatarians are a funny old bunch!!
Cheers @jlufer to you and your family
Well, Uncle Boom, or can I also call you 'Boomy?' It appears you already have plenty of advisement material for next week.
Pescatarian, mmm, I hope you haven't started another food fad
I truly hope I haven't either!! And you are right! Is it just me or is it getting worse again!!
And for you, tis always Boomy!! :0D
Yes Boomy, it is getting worse again. And, a whole new wave is coming, bigger than we have ever seen. Growing pains, my friend, growing pains.
Now that is an utterly splendid way of putting it. I shall happily mutter growing pains as I tromp out an angry reply to various spamfarmers hehe!
I thought at the end of the story you will tell what happened to this upstart màtre d'. We will see how the children and the London's rats (even if the place of the story is not London, rats will still be from London, it adds sophistication) rob and raped the mutilated corpse of this wretched man, after you have taught him boom-manners.
However, your innuendo in this story about his fate causes more fear and anxiety! Bravo!
I like the innuendo and the but knowing definitely!! Although I think you have it exactly right, and of course rats are always always from London!!
A pesky fucking what? LOL
That brings me back to my brother in law's closet favorite movie, Nottinghill, where I learned about fruitatarians and how they only eat fruit that has fallen from the vine. I thought with that rationale, as in the fruit is now dead so I can eat it, why not be a roadkillerien? I mean, it's dead already am I right? Do a public service and scoop that carcus up.
I once had a friend...actually that's not accurate, he is still my friend, but once upon a time this friend would do exactly that...he would see the roadkill, open up his door while still moving at a good clip, scoop that thing up and toss it in the back of the truck. It was really something to witness, a ballet of machine and rubber, actual death and near death.
^True story.
He is now married to one of my oldest friends who seemed to have broken him of such incredible stunts. Though I could swear his eyes look upon the smooshed woodchucks and squirrels with a barely contained longing, a revelry, a sweet memory of the good ol' days.
To be a little too transparent, I too once considered roadkill as I drove past a young buck on the side of the highway that hadn't been lying there the night before. I couldn't really see how to grab it from the window and hold onto it until I got to a good stopping place. Since then I've started pumping iron just in case... I'm already up to 3.5lb weights.
This truly made me LOL!!
Hehe, that would be a fantastic thing to witness. Far better than stopping and scooping. Instead an acrobatic machine and man cancer over the death of flesh!
Hehe, I used to joke with one of my mates who got divorced that his wife went for him because he was a bit of a bad boy. She then spent the next 8 years taming him then left him for a bad boy lol!!
nice post !
just kidding hahaha
I have nothing to say but lol
i love the part that translates successive winks to having a palsy hahah
just cause I write that on some of my posts in between brackets and wonder if someone also thought that but you're usually just you - one
Yeah, you know me. I am a bit nuts lol so you are probably safe from anyone ever thinking that :O)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.....
This was a bit lost on me.... I'm not Gen Y, I promise.
Firstly, I assume Uncle Boom is a different dude to Meester Boom, but both share in this little account of hilarious and jovial manly adventures?
Secondly, ahhhh, are we all accomplices in the infamous Murder of the Màtre d' ?
HEllo!
Yes, Uncle Boom is a fictional character who was originally created to be a kindly Uncle to dispense advice to new steemians. HE always started with a story and unfortunately that story usually invlved him killing someone who was poor. Then there was the spam bit at the bottom. Over time though the Story bit has gotten longer!!
And yes, accomplices indeed!! :O)
TFIF.
Now I can face a boring weekend.
Does Uncle Boom use the same undertaker? Is so, he must be getting rich by now.
Hehe, Maybe he has shares in an undertakers!
Now that is a good idea, cut out the middle man, do it all yourself, less checkup, less chance of getting caught, and if tomes are tight, go out and drum up some more business.
Its the best way, if business is slack then make some happen!
Thanks for the clarity 😊 I think I'll go back and read them anyway. You are a talented writer.
You are too kind! :0)
OK... Is it some men's bath house in the dank inner city or a shower at the 'Y' in the government housing neighborhood or what? How is it that Uncle Boom knows anything about ogre penises (penisi? peniss?).
He is a knowledgeable chap. A world traveler no less!
Perhaps it's penii :0)
I can't believe I didn't see this yesterday, after all Thursday is BOOM DAY. On the bright side, it was the perfect thing to read while drinking my coffee on a Friday morning!
I was wrong though, I thought once the girl started saying she only ate fish you were going to assure her that she'd be getting some other "meat" later.
I never know where your stories are going!
I can't believe you didn't see it either, surely there had to be a law against that kind of thing!! Lol, I must admit the option you described had popped into my head!
Flying to the South! Bahahahaha!
Heh heh, I particularly liked that one!!
I read it all and I have no idea what's going on!! I wish I was kidding LOL
Do I need to read your other posts to get up to speed? Is Uncle boom a murderer? Do you really wear a top hat? This is fiction, right? 😂😂
Hehe, yes indeed this is fiction and Uncle Boom is a bit of a murderous gentleman :0)
Although I am partial to a top hat ;0)
He is also a rogue, an elitist, an occasional hater, a torturer of indentured servants and peons, and someone you'd perhaps hang with even after your mother grounded you for doing so. BEWARE!
Haha
Good to know
I always enjoy reading your adventures they are so colorful and you do have a way with words.... don't think I could go without any meat that's my main diet... I'd have thrown the ladies some birdseed myself...lol
upvoted and resteemed
Hehe. I have always been slightly baffled by the non meat eaters myself!
Ah Uncle Boom, I had you pegged for feeding the poor Maria a fillet of màtre d' on a bed of lettuce! haha We need to have words about your choice of k9 insults, first you had my beautiful bulldogs doing something rather unsavoury, now tarnishing my beloved Alsatian's friendly nature?!! Please, for mercy's sake, leave the Cocker Spaniel's alone or I may have a permanent breakdown xD
Oh my goodness lass!! Thank you. Sometimes the well is close to running dry and inspiration is always appreciated. I can see it now. Cocker Spaniel's incoming!!!
xD
Nicely done. So what happened to the badger's head? Did it get buried?
And what about the rest of it? Where does that go?
Do badgers and beavers make good fiends? Or is that only in Canada?
I think they make great friends.
Who knows where the rest of it goes. Maybe it's not even attached anymore!! Hehe actually that's a bit gross loo
Ahh. Nice one. Bloody shirt. Yes, A gentleman never does tell, neither does a good writer. Kudos. The avisements were hilarious, too. Keep them on their toes. Following. Blessings
Hehe, I am glad you liked!
You are in fine form today, Mr. Boom! Uncle Boom never ceases to bring a smile to my face. Your use of the English language is as colourful and delightful as always!
It's the only reason I write anything is to play with them words! :0D
LOL love reading your posts. Always a good way to start the day with a laugh. I do hope that the badger's head was buried, and buried well.
It's the only thing to do with a badgers head! Hehe
Ah glad that the burial pushed through as planned, and that people came or at least I hope so. ;)
Oh ho ho ho!! I see what you did there!!! Haaaaahaaahahahaaaaaa!
How dare that màtre d' talk back to such a fine gentleman! I would say that he got what's coming to him, but he already knew that once you stood up from your chair. I feel so proud of myself now that I don't have to rely on the explanation and immediately get the language you speak, Boomingdales. While I haven't been able to swing by the Gentleman's Club as of late, I'm hoping to get back into it post haste. I just wish the fellows haven't sung a eulogy for me.
This new batch of spamfarmers are quite pestilent, aren't they? Perhaps your new lady friend might feel obliged to eat them, seeing as she's a peskytarian. Also, it's nice to see Morris fitting in. I would've though the frontseat would be too cramped for him, like a small-sized taco shell housing a humongous slab of salami.
Good old Morris, I am sure he will fit in Mohr as time goes on! :0)
There will always be a seat for you at the club old fellow.
I think with the SpamFarmers I have died out their trick. The non bot ones that is, they just read the title and scan the pics then comment something based on that. Is almost always wrong but they don't care!
We will trace back the evolution of the SpamFarmers with your Thursday edition! It has shaped up to be quite the chronicle, not unlike your animation! Uncle Boom, the STEEMstorian!
I once ate a fish that had just swallowed a cow, of course that made me a pes-cow-terian.
Well that sounds blooming magic! I think I might be one!
Boomy was almost spoiling the evening for himself. Glady, he rectify his mistake. "pescatarian" or not, the evening should be on the moon. lolx.
Good luch to the "SpamFarmer"😜
@seyiodus.
He pulled it back from the brink!! :O)
Funny indeed, it's real enough to be believable yet far fetched enough to have me wondering if it's fiction, embellishment or the god honest truth. Either way you've got my attention. I'll be following.
Personal question: I'm a visual artist and have been wondering if I should add more personal anecdotes alongside my images, as to connect with the readers, or if the art should speak for itself. And in extension, although I would advocate humility, it doesn't tend to garner following... What's your advice for getting the readers/viewers attention?
Thank you and best wishes,
Gio
Its a tricky one isnt it? I think you have to do what feels most comfortable for you.
In my experience adding personal touches here and there adds to the enjoyment of the reader so I think it might be worth a shot. I looked at your blog. Its fine. You will do well if you carry on as you are :)
Thank you master tree (that's what meesterboom means in dutch) I'll keep at it!
Lol, Oh I know that dont worry! The Master Tree bit :O)
Two "interesting" face descriptions in one story! Notching up the standard? XD I don't know whether I'm concerned/amused by what Boomy has to get up to to get into a good mood or the complete obliviousness of his friends XD
I've done your character btw need to know if the design is okay or if you want amendments
Oops, I trotted straight over and forgot to answer this one!! It's magic!! Hehe, his friends are so oblivious!
Nice read. I guess I'll be watching your posts from now on :)
Excellent, thank you!
Lol that’s so weird. Good stuff. Alx
Can't beat the weird! :OD
If you love weird and ever have any free time, my small network is both creative and weird AF. We’d be operating above our pay grade except it’s all investment in intellectual development. Some normal and boring but consumer friendly as hell, but at least half of it is just incredibly eccentric. I like smart weird people a great deal. And they generally end up reciprocating, as long as they have some interest in the business of “for prophet” not JUST “for profit”. Prettt literally. I have a patron and they’ve made it able for me to direct all my invention to helping bring about the true “PATRON AGE™️“ love to talk some day. Can link you to my discord name if you use that, or our room if you have room for another, assuming you use it. If noT, what do you prefer for real time comms? Alx
I use discord these days @meesterboom#1553 I dont have a lot of free time but when I do I hang out there sometimes :O)
Lol “Free Time”. It’s the only thing that is! Cool. Thanks MB. I have no free time and all of it depending on perspective. I keep discord open all day to the people I love and trust though. Whether it’s for idea building or just being there. The world is fucking crazy, and I deal with some sensitive characters. Bright and open but they can be moody AF.
Hahahha, ah that makes me laugh. Probably because I know exactly what you mean!
lol i get 1 gold per lol. 2 per lmao. 3 per rofl. oh wait, this isn't a decade ago and i'm not using the mailbox in stormwind in "WOW", as a philosophy and comedy platform. Good chatting with you. Hope for more. I'd always take comments over votes. 100%
hahaha you will cash many robots in comment good try :)
Stacks of em!
Funny, informative and one of the stories you will have to read again just to enjoy the second time. Keep it up @meesterboom
Thank you!
wow this story is one of my favourite this week,i can now read it like 10 times,its funny
Very good post, please help me follow and voute
Certainly! Click the follow button at the top of my profile. Then click the vote icon. Done!
LOL!!!!
Mmmm, spamfarmer 2 looks like an unwitting Boom wannabe.
Lady Fotheringham plays a bit too ruff? The service at that restaurant- do you find that it's getting harder to find good help these days?
very informative blog and i really love such beautiful blog
I love you. Come, run away with me
wow, amazing story
the first article that I read from top to bottom
Ha, your such a fucking liar. :0D
And this, this is why I love you so me boom.
Hehe, is nice to just get it out isn't it!
nice post good info
This info could save lives
good info I love it very much especially the part where he buried his badgers head. pls follow me. gib money
Sorry im newbie in steemit sorry for this comment i should read carefuly your post
You should!
hahaha, I love your way of explanation, its awesome actually it's amazing, I wanna see more like this in future, firstly I should follow you, keep sharing and keep in touch.
I will be on the next plane
Didn't vote though eh.
a very interesting post @meesterboom
Thank you, I truly believe that until we completely understand string theory we should close down CERN at once!
Look my remix list I believe you will be love
Didn't vote- talking shite
uff! mucha gente loca. : )
wow, amazing. it is really fantastic. keep posting such interesting and eyes catching stuff. Thank you.
I hope I catch your eyes... On a stick!
This made me snort, so I had to upvote it!
I just came back to this comment section to read some of these to Howie, hee hee, God I love him, no one can best him in dealing with spammers.
Feck the feckers up their bums says meester when the spammers come!
The unexpectedness of some of his responses make them pure gold!
If it's snort-worthy then all is well in the world!!!
hahaha, que malo-
LOL